FicWad

Soon, the drugs were gone… I mean everything I had stashed around my house, around our house… it was gone… I did it all… Every last drop of alcohol was gone, every pill was popped, every last bit of powder was inhaled… And there was just nothing left. My soul was scarred and the sadness was consuming me… I looked around and I could see. I could see it all… This house was no longer the home I once knew. It was no longer the place I shared with him. It was a prison and I had to get out…I was angry and desperate and I needed a fix.

“Where are you going?” Bobs voice was surprised. Maybe it was cause it was the first time I actually stepped back from the window in three days. And I was reaching for my coat…

“I..” My voice cracked. I hadn’t used it in so long and it just hurt… “I have to.” I tell him and he knew… He knew where I was going.

“Naw Elle,” he tries to tell me, but it was like he knew he wasn’t gonna change my mind cause he reached for his coat too. “Lemme come with you then.” He sighed.

“Suit yourself.” I shrugged as we went outside… It was light out. Sunny even. And I hated it. It was like it was mocking me. How dare the sun shine! Gerard is dead, and I am broken and the sun is shining… Life was moving forward for everyone but me…

“Where are we going?” I hear Bob say and that’s when I realized we had gotten in the truck and he was in the drivers seat, so I guess he was gonna be driving but it didn’t matter really…

“Uh, Market Street.” I tell him and he sorta nodded but didn’t say anything. Victor Watkins lived on Market Street. He was a punk. Some kid Gerard met through some other kid. He was a low-life trash-talking drug dealing motherfucker, and normally I wouldn’t give him the time of day but right now he seemed like a god to me…

We drove in silence I suppose, cause if Bob was talking to me I just wasn’t listening. We got to Victors and he double- parked in the street. I got out, thinking maybe he was gonna wait in the car but he didn’t… he got out too and followed me down the steps, where I rang the bell. When Victor opened his door I just threw a crumbled wad of money at him. I don't even know how much it was…

“Gimme whatever you got Vic.” I mumbled at him and he sorta smiled as he shoved the cash into his pocket. He held the door open and motioned for Bob and I to come in. His apartment was a fucking wreck. It wasn’t even a real apartment. It was the basement of some house he was renting. It was dark and dingy and just overall disgusting. There were a few people sitting on his couch smoking weed. A guy and these two girls... Looked like fucking crack whores to me. Right away one of them says hi to Bobby…

“Ah, hey Ruth.” He sorta nodded at her and I tried not to gag. Of course he knew her! He was a fucking whore and she was a skank.

“Ellz.” Vic kinda waved me over to the hallway. I hated how he did that. Adding a ‘z’ on my name like that, like he was oh-so fucking ghetto and not some white trailer-trash punk pretending to be a thug…

Bob seemed to be preoccupied catching up with ‘Ruthie’ and he didn’t follow me down the hall towards Vic’s room, although he should've… I guess he figured I couldn’t get in much trouble, seeing as I was just one room away, but oh how wrong he was…

I followed Vic into his bedroom where he pulled a metal box out from somewhere. I don't know where, I wasn’t really watching… I went over and sat on the edge of his bed. I was trembling now. I don't even know why. I guess it was just the stress catching up with me…

“This cool?” Vic holds up a bag of powder and I kinda shrugged at it.

“Anything man.” I sorta sighed as I laid back on the bed. “The harder the better.” I tell him and he sorta nodded as he shuffled through his box. He pulled out a few baggies with pills in them and he kinda paused looking over at me.

“How hard we talking?” He says and I sat back up and kinda made a face at him. “Oh so the usual ain’t having its normal kick anymore huh?” He kinda smirked.

“Something like that.” I kinda smiled a little back at him and then he shut the box and reached over and opened his drawer.

“I got something for ya Ellz.” He grinned as he spun around and it took me a second to focus on what he was holding… It was a needle, a syringe actually, and one of those rubber band things you wrap around your arm when you shoot up…

“Aw Vic, I don't know how to- I mean I- can’t” I shook my head at him. I mean I needed a fix but… But I never done that before, mostly cause I was afraid of needles. Gerard was too… Oh God… My Gerard…I felt my heart clenching up and my lip trembling… All of a sudden my emotions started swelling back up on me and I was beginning to panic. Vic could tell too.

“It’ll make it all go away, I promise ya.” He says flicking the needle as he held it up. “I’ll show you how, trust me.” He says and I found myself lifting my shirtsleeve up for him…

I squeezed my eyes shut as he pulled the band around my arm…All I could think of was Gerard. I could see his face in my mind… His beautiful eyes, how they would flicker in the sun… he would hate to see me now… I almost reached over to stop Vic, but then this other vision flashed in my head… it was Gerard's eyes too, but this time they were full of hurt and pain, and it was cause of me… The image of him and the last time I saw his eyes, how he looked at me… How he spoke to me… “Not a word Elle…” Oh god….

“Do it Vic.” I gasped a little as the needle pierced my skin. And this intense rush of heat overtook me. It was like my veins were on fire.

“That’s good shit right baby?” I hear Vic say but I didn’t get a chance to answer him.

“What the fuck you doing to her!!” Bobs voice yelled out so loud I swear the room shook. He was standing in the door completely enraged. I mean Vic was pulling the needle from my arm and I just knew he was gonna kill him…

“No!” I yelled out and I jumped up with this surge of energy that came out of nowhere… Actually it wasn’t out of nowhere; it was out of the heroin that was now coursing through my body. “I told him to, I asked for it.” I tell him blocking him from grabbing Victor by the throat.

“You what! What the fuck is wrong with you!” He turned his anger onto me and I just started crying. I mean Bob was yelling at me… At me! He never yelled at me… And I just knew… I was going down and I was dragging everyone along with me and I hated it… “Lets go. –now!” He hissed at me as he grabbed my arm and dragged me outside. He tossed me into the passenger seat and it just reminded me of that day at the strip club, at how angry he was… I found myself shaking and sweating and my skin was crawling all of a sudden…

“Bobby I don't feel so well.” I sorta panted at him and he looked over at me as he started the truck back up.

“Yeah I wonder why.” He says sarcastically and I pulled my knees up to my chest and started sobbing and shaking uncontrollably… “Aw Elle please honey stop…” He lowered his voice down and he kinda rubbed at my back to comfort me but I couldn’t stop myself. I tried but I couldn’t… “Why the fuck would you even do that huh?” He says pleadingly almost and I didn’t have an answer for him…

“I wanna go home can we go home now?” I whined and he nodded in agreement. The rest of the ride I didn’t speak. I just stared out the window at the lights in the sky…Why was this happening? Why was everyone I loved taken from me? Was I just that awful of a person? Condemned to be alone. -To live a life in sorrow?

We got back to my house and I went right into the bathroom and just threw up. The heroin was fucking with my head. I felt like I was at the bottom of a hole and it was filling with water and there was no way out… I tore off my all my clothes and just threw them on to the floor. They were dirty and sweaty and just…I don't know…

I went back to the bedroom and I didn’t notice Bob behind me at first. He was watching me as I opened my drawer up. He didn’t say anything so neither did I. And as I pulled a clean shirt out from the drawer my eye caught a glimpse of one of Gerard's work shirts. He had put it in my drawer by mistake, or maybe it wasn’t a mistake. I mean he was always sticking shit where it didn’t belong… He knew I hated it on the floor, so he would just shove it wherever…I don't know why but I pulled it up of the drawer and clutched it against my heart.

“He's really gone isn’t he?” I said my voice shaking and I felt Bob come up behind me.

“Yeah.” He sorta sighed and he reached over to take the shirt from me and I just let him. I didn’t have the strength to fight him for it…

“He hated me you know? When he died he hated me.” I blurted out as Bob put the shirt back in the drawer.

“Naw honey. He loved you.” He says trying to sound convincing but doing a poor job of it.

“I never even got to say I was sorry.” I sorta whispered and Bob lowered his eyes down as he closed the drawer.

“he knows.” He sorta whispered back and he reached for me… He fucking reached for me and I pulled back.

“Please just stay away from me.” I tell him as I jumped up off the floor. He just gave me this weak look. He wanted to hold me. He wanted to comfort me but I couldn’t let him… “Please just leave Bob. Walk away while you can. Don't let me kill you too.” I started to sob and he got up off the floor himself now.

“You know I can’t leave.” He says to me.

“Why do you even care anymore.” I shook my head at him.

“Cause I love you Elle.” He says reaching for me and I just lost it...I mean he loved me! He was just standing there telling me he loved me!… That’s how all this started, cause he was always just there…like all the time!

“Why don't you just fucking go home already! Cause I don't love you back.” I snapped at him as I pushed past him out into the hall.

“What?” He kinda gasped and he reached up and blocked me from slamming the door as I walked out on him.

“You heard me Bob!” I hissed at him. “I don't want you here, I don't love you, now fucking leave.” I tell him and he shifted his eyes a little.

“Damn, heroin doesn’t agree with you.” He says under his breath a little and I just started freaking

“Heroin!! No, It’s YOU! It’s you don't agree with me!” I shrieked at him. “I fucking hate you Bob! You're the reason all this happened. I hope you fucking burn in hell.” I smacked my hands on his chest as hard as I could and either the heroin was giving me a surge of super human strength or he just wasn’t expecting it cause he fell back a little. “I fucking hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.” I continued to pound at him as the tears poured from my eyes.

“Stop.” He cried out and he grabbed my wrists in his hands but I some how managed to wriggle them out from him as I stepped back somewhat.

“Gerard is dead because of you!” I screamed hysterically at him “And I will never forgive you for that! Not ever!” I cursed him with my eyes and his mouth opened like he wasn’t sure what to say in response…

“He’s dead cause of me?” He said softly.

“Fuck yeah cause of you!” I waved my hands in the air. “We would’ve been fucking married right now if it wasn’t for you! Gerard wouldn’t be six feet underground now if it wasn’t for you. You killed him and I hope you're happy.” I spat at him.

“Elle.” Bob kinda sighed like I knew better, and maybe part of me did; but I was so angry and I didn’t know what else to do…

“Get the fuck out of my house Bob.” I tell him and he shook his head no. “I don't want you, I never wanted you, you were the biggest mistake of my life.” I started ranting on him.

“Elle.” Bob sighed my name once more as he rubbed at the back of his neck. He just let me rant and curse at him as I paced back and forth in the kitchen now. He beyond stressed out though. I found myself hoping he would just say he had enough and he was gonna leave, but he wouldn’t… “Why don't you go get back in bed.” He says softly and I scoffed at him.

“Why don't you fuck off Bob and just go home already.” I said crossing my arms on my chest as I glared at him.

“Why so you could kill yourself in peace?” He sorta snickered and I shrugged. “Ain’t gonna happen.” He crossed his arms on his chest like he was challenging me back. I dropped my hands down on my hips and just stared at him for a moment. He was a stubborn fucker. But it was my life to do with as I saw fit, not his…

I shifted my eyes around the room, contemplating my next move when my gaze rested on the wooden block of knives on the counter. He saw me looking at it too but I was closer and quicker… I pulled the biggest one from it and pressed it up to my heart as I jumped back from him. He froze up like he wasn’t sure what to do… He wanted to reach forward and take the knife from me, but he didn’t.

“Elle don't.” He says raising his hands slightly in defeat. The tip was pressing into my skin now. I could feel a trickle of blood run down my stomach.

“I’m sorry Bobby...” I heard my voice say and he moved forward towards me and I stepped back once more. I was against the counter now. He sorta took another step, but it was more to the side. He kinda had me pinned in now and he was running his eyes around me like he was assessing the situation…

“Elle, you're fucking wired, you don't want to do this. Just think for a minute…” He tells me and I shook my head a little at him. Wired or not, I knew what I wanted… I took a deep breath in and locked my eyes on his…

“You killed him. His blood is on your hands and now so is mine...” I declared as I pulled the knife back to plunge it into my chest. All of a sudden the back of Bobs hand came crashing down on my cheek…

He hit me. He fucking hit me. I could taste the blood in mouth as he threw me on to the floor. The knife fell from my hand and he pinned me underneath him and I screamed. I screamed as loud as I could… I screamed and I struggled against him until there was nothing left…

“Let me fucking die Bobby… please…I have nothing left to live for…” I begged him and at this point I had just stopped struggling. I was completely worn out, both physically and emotionally…

“You have me.” He whispered back and he sorta loosed up his grip on me. “You will always have me Elle.” He says as he reached up and pushed the hair from my face. I was still under him, I mean we were still on the kitchen floor, but I wasn’t fighting him anymore… I couldn’t... “If you don't want your life anymore, give it to me.” He suggests and I wrinkled my face a little.

‘What’ I sorta gasped as he ran his hand down my cheek.

“Let me take care of you, let me love you Elle. Marry me…again…”