FicWad

“No he’s coming home, I'm waiting.” I tried to pull back but Bobby wouldn’t let me go.

“Elle.” He tried to reason but I couldn’t accept it.

“No he is! He has to.” The tears wouldn’t stop. “Don't you see, this is the first time that I do something right,” I tell him. “I stayed the whole night alone here, and I didn’t do shit, and he's gonna come back, cause I did something right…I didn’t fuck up, and he has to see this…please don't do this to me Bobby, I cant…” I became lost in a fit of hysterics and all Bobby could do was tell me he was sorry…

Gerard was dead. And he was sorry.

I cried for so long that my eyes burned from the tears and he was sorry.

My life was over and he was sorry…he was fucking sorry. That was all he could say to me…

Do you know what it feels like to have it hurt when you breathe? Cause I do. How it feels for each breath to be an effort that just doesn’t seem worth it anymore… How it feels to have everything you’ve ever known taken away? Do you know what its like for your body to give up on you? Not to cry yourself to sleep, but to have your body shut down on you. Because it cant bear the pain anymore… What it feels like to fall asleep praying that you won’t wake up…

And then once you do sleep to have your mind betray you…

‘don't forget’

‘forget what’

‘that I loved you’

He would twirl the dandelion around in fingers as he held it out to me… The sun was shining so brightly and the petals would seem to glow as I reached for it… And the second my fingers touched it, the second it passed from him to me, he would be gone… He would fade away right before my very eyes…

It was the same dream every night; every time I shut my eyes I could see him… An angel in my nightmare, that was all he was…He existed only in my dreams now. He was dead and I might as well have been too…

Hours upon hours passed and I still would not move from my window… I couldn’t. I wouldn’t… I would sleep and I would wake and I would cry. I was numbed to the world.

Bob didn’t leave. Actually it was more like he wouldn’t leave although I didn’t know why... I wouldn’t speak to him. For two days he would try to talk to me but I wouldn’t answer him, he finally just gave up trying. He resigned himself to some sorta prison guard duty, trying to force feed me food that I didn’t want to eat, water that I didn’t want to drink, he was trying to keep me alive when all I wanted to do was die…

The day of the funeral Frankie came over. I could hear them talking... Hushed whispers tearing at my heart, shredding it beyond repair...

‘she hasn’t moved.’ And why would I? I had nothing left but a hollowness in my soul.

‘she wont go.’… And I wouldn’t… to go would mean he was really gone and I couldn’t…

‘it starts in a hour’ … In one hour Gerard was going to be laid to rest in the dirt and I wanted nothing more then to join him…