Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > The Beginning Is Never The End
This wasn’t suppose to happen. I wept over his body.
Not like this… Not now…I was hysterical. Babbling all sorts of nonsense about fate and karma. How I had more time. How the universe gypped me. I wouldn’t let him go. They had to pry me off of him.
I watched them put him on a stretcher as Gerard held me. I wanted to stay in his arms forever but then I saw them cover my papas face with a sheet and I freaked out. Went running after them out the door and fell down the steps. Hard.
There was so much chaos. Unless it was only me. Voices yelling, someone trying to hold me down, taking off my boot. I heard Gerards voice amongst it, telling me to relax and then a pinch in my arm. The paramedic had shot me up with something cause it was all getting foggy. The voices were fading. Gerards too and I found myself desperately trying to hold on.
I was in the field of flowers once more. My grandpa was coming towards me. He was walking strong and tall. He looked younger almost. A radiant glow around him. “Papa.” I fell into his arms. He leant forward and kissed the top of my head. I clasped both his hands in mine and looked up at him. “Don’t leave me.” And no sooner then I said it did it start to fade. My papa was saying something but I couldn’t hear. “Please!” I cried out but it was too late. I gasped for air and opened my eyes.
I was laying on the couch in the living room. My ankle propped up on a pillow… Reality crashing down around me. I reach up pulling the wet rag from my head as I sat up.
Bobbi-Jo walked in the room now carrying two teacups. She tried to hand one to me. I pushed it away. She placed one on the table and sat in the rocking chair sipping the other one.
“I wish you would drink it.” She said softly and I just shook my head no.
“This was my fault.” I began to cry and she got up and came and sat next to me now.
"No dear" she said quietly wrapping her arm around me. Gerard was no where to be seen. I glanced at the clock it was after 6, he had to have been long gone. I cried to Bobbi-Jo for what seemed to be forever. She said it wasn’t my fault but it was. She said people only get a certain amount of time on this earth and my papa was fortunate that he lived so long, and that’s when it hit me.
I killed him.
Me and my surge of activities these last few weeks killed him. I weakened him. I sucked the last bits of life from him. Maybe that’s why Gerards was cut so short, cause of all the shit I put him through. I know people joke about when things are tough they age, that old ‘you’re giving me gray hairs’ joke. But maybe its not a joke…
I started to panic at my thoughts and even though Bobbi-Jo tried to calm me she couldn’t. "Elle dear..." Bobbi-Jo started but I couldn’t hear it.
"Bobbi-Jo just go home.." I was crying now. “Please leave me alone.” I continued to cry.
Bobbi-Jo got up and went to the kitchen for a few seconds, she came back and stood over me. I was sitting on the couch with my head down between my knees sobbing and I wouldn’t look up.
“Lia came by.” I hear her say and I didn’t acknowledge her. I didn’t care. “She said maybe this would make you feel better.” She tells me and I glanced up and saw Bobbi-Jo was holding Teddy.
“Oh fuck.” I sorta laughed at the sight. Bobbi-Jo sort of smiled too but it wasn’t for the same reasons.
“Hes kinda like your bear huh?” She faintly smiled nodding towards the picture on the wall of me as a child, sitting on my papas lap hugging Bow-Bow…
“Um not really.” I took him from her and shut my eyes taking a deep slow breath. Bow-Bow was a key to a tainted fortune. Teddy was a key to undeniable relief. “Im going to my room.” I told her before hobbling down the hall. I didn’t make it that far. I ended up in the bathroom. Inhaling line after line till I passed out…
I woke up alone in the bathroom the next morning. Strung out and sweaty. Bloodshot eyes and chapped lips. I stood and looked at myself in the mirror… It was my birthday.
I threw up.
Didn’t make me feel any better though. I did a few more lines, drank some water and hobbled into the kitchen. I had a very long talk with Bobbi-Jo. She told me she was going to go stay with her grandkids in Texas after the funeral. Seeing as how she was only here to take care of my grandpa. And I agreed that was for the best.
She said she had a lot of trouble making plans for the funeral yesterday. That cause my papa died the day before I turned 18, there was a lot of legal issues. Because for 12 hours I was technically still a minor and couldn’t access his money. It had to be set up in a trust which was pointless because once they established it, they would have to undo it. She said Mr. Reefer was handling it, that he would be calling her back, but I know how Mr Reefer calls back. He doesn’t. It would be spring before we’d bury papa if we waited for him.
I told her we would just use whatever money I had left in my bank account for the funeral. It would be small and a quick service. Just one day. It would leave me broke but I didn’t care. I didn’t need money. I didn’t need anything anymore.
I sat with her in the kitchen for a while. Helping with some of the funeral plans until I just couldn’t take it anymore. I told her I was going back to bed and not to let anyone in. Not Lia, not Gerard, not anyone. I just wanted to be alone, which was a lie cause as long as I had Teddy I wasn’t really alone.
She said that was fine, seeing as how I ate a little with her, and reminded me once more to remember to call Mr. Reefer next week and I just shrugged.
I hated Mr. Reefer. He probably knew all about Nicky too but never told me… I found myself asking Bobbi-Jo before I left if she knew anything about my father and she said no, but I wasn’t sure if she was lying… I asked her what happened to the letter and she said she didn’t know. That it must’ve gotten lost in the chaos of it all. Once more I wasn’t sure if she was lying to me…It might’ve just been the coke making me paranoid but I don’t know…
I inhaled another mess of powder and then passed in and out of consciousness so many times I lost count.
The next thing I knew Bobbi-Jo was waking me. Telling me it was time. She set up a service from 6-10 Friday night because it was cheaper then waiting till Saturday morning.
I wish I had brought my notebook with me to the funeral but I had forgotten it. Just walked out in a daze. Things were going way to fast for me. Bobbi-Jo was leaving immediately afterwards. Like she literally brought her suitcases. Something about her good luck in catching a last minute flight that night, and I couldn’t blame her. It was a smart move, getting away from me as fast as she could.
I was beyond toxic. I was a fool. Challenging fate like that and losing. I was more convinced then ever that my first thoughts were correct. That you only get a certain amount of life. That I killed my papa. And I couldn’t kill Gerard.
Just like he thought he would be protecting me by not asking me out, to spare me from whatever pain he thought Paul would cause me. I would protect him. All the stress I put him through… It was a lifetimes worth that was for sure. And that’s what you do for people you love. You protect them. My papa must’ve thought he was protecting me from Nicky, although Im not sure why.
I sat in the front row with Bobbi-Jo and watched as person after person paid their respects to my dear papa. I was surprised at how many people were actually there. Being on such short notice and all. But I guess you cant really make advance planning for funerals now can you…
I sniffled as I watched them. My nose was so red. But it wasn't from crying, it was from the 3 more lines of coke I snorted in the bathroom when I got here.
"Sit up straight now child" Bobbi-Jo said nudging me so I did. I sat up and smoothed out my black dress over my knees... I looked down at my feet. I had one black heel on. My one ankle was bandaged up pretty tight still. I was staring down at it. I twisted it slightly. You could almost see the budge where the bag of coke was. Lia was sitting on the opposite side of me. I leant over and rested my head on her and she stroked my hair softly as I stared at the ground.
“hey” I hear her whisper as a pair of ratty converse sneakers stepped into my sights. I looked up. It was Mikey. His jacket was too short for his arms and his tie was a little crooked. He said hey back to Lia before leaning over and giving me a hug. As I straighten his tie out for him he blushed and I faintly smiled.
"What are you doing here?" Lia whispered at him. He pointed behind him. Gerard was walking towards the back with Helen. He was helping her into her seat and I tried not to roll my eyes. Helen was a strong woman. She didn’t need his help sitting, but that’s just the way Gerard was.
"Oh uh my grandma went to the same book club as Elles grandpa" he said. "She made us come...I mean..she didn’t make us… I mean…"Mikey stammered looking at me.
"Its okay Mikey. I get it." I whispered back at him.
"Uhh..Is Paul here?" he asked pushing his glasses up looking around.
"I don’t know where he is." I shrugged. I hadn’t seen him. Mikey just continued to look at me. “What?” I cried out louder then I should have. “I don’t know. I havent seen him. If hes here-I didn’t invite him!” I was getting agitated and Lia squeezed my hand to try to soothe me but it just got me more wound up. “I didn’t invite any of these people to the party okay?” I snapped at him and he nodded apologetically.
To the party? Is that what I said? I shook my head a little in disgust with myself… Some party. Its my birthday and Im burying my grandpa. This is great. I needed air…
“Ill be right back” I mumbled to Lia as I got up. As I limped away I heard her hissing something to be about nice job upsetting her, but it wasn’t Mikeys fault. It was my own…
I should’ve went outside and had a cigarette, stared up at the sky or something but no. I went to the bathroom. Locking the door behind me and dumping the coke on the counter once more. I cut it into a few lines and inhaled it… All of it… When I stepped out into the hall I saw Gerard was standing there. I was just frozen looking at him. I felt a tickle on my nose but didn’t even move my hand to wipe it away, I was that frozen.
“Youre bleeding.” Gerard whispered urgently reaching over and grabbing my arm. He was going to bring me back into the bathroom and I was going to let him until I saw the shadow of a man over his shoulder.
He must’ve come in while I was in the bathroom cause I didn’t see him before…It was Slim.
Not like this… Not now…I was hysterical. Babbling all sorts of nonsense about fate and karma. How I had more time. How the universe gypped me. I wouldn’t let him go. They had to pry me off of him.
I watched them put him on a stretcher as Gerard held me. I wanted to stay in his arms forever but then I saw them cover my papas face with a sheet and I freaked out. Went running after them out the door and fell down the steps. Hard.
There was so much chaos. Unless it was only me. Voices yelling, someone trying to hold me down, taking off my boot. I heard Gerards voice amongst it, telling me to relax and then a pinch in my arm. The paramedic had shot me up with something cause it was all getting foggy. The voices were fading. Gerards too and I found myself desperately trying to hold on.
I was in the field of flowers once more. My grandpa was coming towards me. He was walking strong and tall. He looked younger almost. A radiant glow around him. “Papa.” I fell into his arms. He leant forward and kissed the top of my head. I clasped both his hands in mine and looked up at him. “Don’t leave me.” And no sooner then I said it did it start to fade. My papa was saying something but I couldn’t hear. “Please!” I cried out but it was too late. I gasped for air and opened my eyes.
I was laying on the couch in the living room. My ankle propped up on a pillow… Reality crashing down around me. I reach up pulling the wet rag from my head as I sat up.
Bobbi-Jo walked in the room now carrying two teacups. She tried to hand one to me. I pushed it away. She placed one on the table and sat in the rocking chair sipping the other one.
“I wish you would drink it.” She said softly and I just shook my head no.
“This was my fault.” I began to cry and she got up and came and sat next to me now.
"No dear" she said quietly wrapping her arm around me. Gerard was no where to be seen. I glanced at the clock it was after 6, he had to have been long gone. I cried to Bobbi-Jo for what seemed to be forever. She said it wasn’t my fault but it was. She said people only get a certain amount of time on this earth and my papa was fortunate that he lived so long, and that’s when it hit me.
I killed him.
Me and my surge of activities these last few weeks killed him. I weakened him. I sucked the last bits of life from him. Maybe that’s why Gerards was cut so short, cause of all the shit I put him through. I know people joke about when things are tough they age, that old ‘you’re giving me gray hairs’ joke. But maybe its not a joke…
I started to panic at my thoughts and even though Bobbi-Jo tried to calm me she couldn’t. "Elle dear..." Bobbi-Jo started but I couldn’t hear it.
"Bobbi-Jo just go home.." I was crying now. “Please leave me alone.” I continued to cry.
Bobbi-Jo got up and went to the kitchen for a few seconds, she came back and stood over me. I was sitting on the couch with my head down between my knees sobbing and I wouldn’t look up.
“Lia came by.” I hear her say and I didn’t acknowledge her. I didn’t care. “She said maybe this would make you feel better.” She tells me and I glanced up and saw Bobbi-Jo was holding Teddy.
“Oh fuck.” I sorta laughed at the sight. Bobbi-Jo sort of smiled too but it wasn’t for the same reasons.
“Hes kinda like your bear huh?” She faintly smiled nodding towards the picture on the wall of me as a child, sitting on my papas lap hugging Bow-Bow…
“Um not really.” I took him from her and shut my eyes taking a deep slow breath. Bow-Bow was a key to a tainted fortune. Teddy was a key to undeniable relief. “Im going to my room.” I told her before hobbling down the hall. I didn’t make it that far. I ended up in the bathroom. Inhaling line after line till I passed out…
I woke up alone in the bathroom the next morning. Strung out and sweaty. Bloodshot eyes and chapped lips. I stood and looked at myself in the mirror… It was my birthday.
I threw up.
Didn’t make me feel any better though. I did a few more lines, drank some water and hobbled into the kitchen. I had a very long talk with Bobbi-Jo. She told me she was going to go stay with her grandkids in Texas after the funeral. Seeing as how she was only here to take care of my grandpa. And I agreed that was for the best.
She said she had a lot of trouble making plans for the funeral yesterday. That cause my papa died the day before I turned 18, there was a lot of legal issues. Because for 12 hours I was technically still a minor and couldn’t access his money. It had to be set up in a trust which was pointless because once they established it, they would have to undo it. She said Mr. Reefer was handling it, that he would be calling her back, but I know how Mr Reefer calls back. He doesn’t. It would be spring before we’d bury papa if we waited for him.
I told her we would just use whatever money I had left in my bank account for the funeral. It would be small and a quick service. Just one day. It would leave me broke but I didn’t care. I didn’t need money. I didn’t need anything anymore.
I sat with her in the kitchen for a while. Helping with some of the funeral plans until I just couldn’t take it anymore. I told her I was going back to bed and not to let anyone in. Not Lia, not Gerard, not anyone. I just wanted to be alone, which was a lie cause as long as I had Teddy I wasn’t really alone.
She said that was fine, seeing as how I ate a little with her, and reminded me once more to remember to call Mr. Reefer next week and I just shrugged.
I hated Mr. Reefer. He probably knew all about Nicky too but never told me… I found myself asking Bobbi-Jo before I left if she knew anything about my father and she said no, but I wasn’t sure if she was lying… I asked her what happened to the letter and she said she didn’t know. That it must’ve gotten lost in the chaos of it all. Once more I wasn’t sure if she was lying to me…It might’ve just been the coke making me paranoid but I don’t know…
I inhaled another mess of powder and then passed in and out of consciousness so many times I lost count.
The next thing I knew Bobbi-Jo was waking me. Telling me it was time. She set up a service from 6-10 Friday night because it was cheaper then waiting till Saturday morning.
I wish I had brought my notebook with me to the funeral but I had forgotten it. Just walked out in a daze. Things were going way to fast for me. Bobbi-Jo was leaving immediately afterwards. Like she literally brought her suitcases. Something about her good luck in catching a last minute flight that night, and I couldn’t blame her. It was a smart move, getting away from me as fast as she could.
I was beyond toxic. I was a fool. Challenging fate like that and losing. I was more convinced then ever that my first thoughts were correct. That you only get a certain amount of life. That I killed my papa. And I couldn’t kill Gerard.
Just like he thought he would be protecting me by not asking me out, to spare me from whatever pain he thought Paul would cause me. I would protect him. All the stress I put him through… It was a lifetimes worth that was for sure. And that’s what you do for people you love. You protect them. My papa must’ve thought he was protecting me from Nicky, although Im not sure why.
I sat in the front row with Bobbi-Jo and watched as person after person paid their respects to my dear papa. I was surprised at how many people were actually there. Being on such short notice and all. But I guess you cant really make advance planning for funerals now can you…
I sniffled as I watched them. My nose was so red. But it wasn't from crying, it was from the 3 more lines of coke I snorted in the bathroom when I got here.
"Sit up straight now child" Bobbi-Jo said nudging me so I did. I sat up and smoothed out my black dress over my knees... I looked down at my feet. I had one black heel on. My one ankle was bandaged up pretty tight still. I was staring down at it. I twisted it slightly. You could almost see the budge where the bag of coke was. Lia was sitting on the opposite side of me. I leant over and rested my head on her and she stroked my hair softly as I stared at the ground.
“hey” I hear her whisper as a pair of ratty converse sneakers stepped into my sights. I looked up. It was Mikey. His jacket was too short for his arms and his tie was a little crooked. He said hey back to Lia before leaning over and giving me a hug. As I straighten his tie out for him he blushed and I faintly smiled.
"What are you doing here?" Lia whispered at him. He pointed behind him. Gerard was walking towards the back with Helen. He was helping her into her seat and I tried not to roll my eyes. Helen was a strong woman. She didn’t need his help sitting, but that’s just the way Gerard was.
"Oh uh my grandma went to the same book club as Elles grandpa" he said. "She made us come...I mean..she didn’t make us… I mean…"Mikey stammered looking at me.
"Its okay Mikey. I get it." I whispered back at him.
"Uhh..Is Paul here?" he asked pushing his glasses up looking around.
"I don’t know where he is." I shrugged. I hadn’t seen him. Mikey just continued to look at me. “What?” I cried out louder then I should have. “I don’t know. I havent seen him. If hes here-I didn’t invite him!” I was getting agitated and Lia squeezed my hand to try to soothe me but it just got me more wound up. “I didn’t invite any of these people to the party okay?” I snapped at him and he nodded apologetically.
To the party? Is that what I said? I shook my head a little in disgust with myself… Some party. Its my birthday and Im burying my grandpa. This is great. I needed air…
“Ill be right back” I mumbled to Lia as I got up. As I limped away I heard her hissing something to be about nice job upsetting her, but it wasn’t Mikeys fault. It was my own…
I should’ve went outside and had a cigarette, stared up at the sky or something but no. I went to the bathroom. Locking the door behind me and dumping the coke on the counter once more. I cut it into a few lines and inhaled it… All of it… When I stepped out into the hall I saw Gerard was standing there. I was just frozen looking at him. I felt a tickle on my nose but didn’t even move my hand to wipe it away, I was that frozen.
“Youre bleeding.” Gerard whispered urgently reaching over and grabbing my arm. He was going to bring me back into the bathroom and I was going to let him until I saw the shadow of a man over his shoulder.
He must’ve come in while I was in the bathroom cause I didn’t see him before…It was Slim.
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