(#) warjournalist 2010-04-01Well, the details have improved with this second chapter. You've made Dante into a sociopath. Which I could forgive because the anime version of him very much was. But as for everyone else, you've given us names without characters. Physical descriptions add dimension to the story. And the fact that everyone would all come barging into his shop at the same time & when needed sounds ridiculous, especially with Nero living in another country.
And just one more thing. This is a type of first-person story, telling things from one pov at a time. You can give a lot of depth to your characters by letting us in on their thoughts. What's their personal opinion of the situation? Are they worried? Confused? Arrogant? Why?
Again, I'm not trying to flame you, I'm just trying to be helpful. I hope you don't take it the wrong way. I'm enjoying the events that are taking place.
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