Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > I Find It Hard To Stay
“I--before this happened, I was--I had--I was…pregnant…” she said quietly. “Did…I mean, am I still…?”
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For the third time in under three months, Pen woke up in a strange bed, not knowing where she was or how she had gotten there. The lights were bright, the room smelled of sterilization, and the sheets were stiffly starched; she was in a hospital bed. “Are you fucking kidding me,” she murmured, shifting around under the covers. She cracked open her eyes, looking around for a doctor. “Nurse,” she muttered, straining her voice. “Nurse! Doctor! Someone!” She fumbled around on the bedside table for a moment, finding the call button and hitting it repeatedly. In a few moments, a doctor entered with a clipboard, not looking as though he were in any particular hurry, despite the fact that the call button usually meant an emergency.
“Ms. Way,” he greeted her, making Pen roll her eyes slightly.
“What’s going on, Doc?” she asked him.
“Well,” he said, flipping through the papers on his clipboard. “It seems that you were attacked outside a concert venue by a drug-dealer. Your brothers said that your friend…” he checked the papers again. “…Bob, found him hitting you, and you already seemed to be unconscious. Your assailant seems to have sustained worse injuries than you, however, seeing as Bob got to him before the police did. You’re lucky to have a guy like him around,” the doctor smiled at her then, earning a small smile in return.
“Yeah. I guess I’d do well to remember that, huh?” she said, more to herself than the doctor.
“Now,” he said, back in professional-mode. “You have several bruises and lacerations in various places over your body, but they’ll all heal. I’d be surprised if you even had any scarring left in a few days. A few cracked ribs, but they’ve already healed themselves. It’s quite amazing actually.”
“Hey, Doc,” Pen said suddenly, getting a bit nervous. “I--before this happened, I was--I had--I was…pregnant…” she said quietly. “Did…I mean, am I still…?” she bit her lip and looked up at her doctor, not quite sure what she was hoping to hear.
The doctor’s face fell, and he cleared his throat. Pen closed her eyes and slowly shook her head, feeling a few tears pricking the backs of her eyes. “Well--ahh--” the doctor was even at a loss for words, unsure how to break the news to his patient. “I’m…I’m afraid that you just took too many blows to the stomach. I really am so sorry,” he added.
“Are you positive?” she whispered.
“I’m afraid…By the time the ambulance got you here, most of the placental fluid had already evacuated your body. When they got you here, we had no choice but to remove the rest from your womb with a syringe. I’m so sorry, dear,” he repeated, truly remorseful that her baby had had to be taken from her like this.
She stared down at her hands, not wanting to believe it. Just a few days ago, a human life, a real baby, a little person, had been growing inside her. A little piece of her would have been thrust out into the world, given a chance to live a life on this earth…And now it was gone. A life, extinguished before even getting a chance…It didn’t even get a chance. Pen bit her lip as hard as she could, an attempt at stemming the flow of tears from her eyes, down her face. The doctor told her he’d give her some time to adjust, and he’d be back when she was ready.
Pen took a shuddering breath and leaned her face forward into her hands, sobbing quietly into her fingers. Her baby’s chance had been ripped away, all because Pen had been foolish enough to get mixed up with people like the guy who had attacked her. She may as well have thrown herself down a flight of stairs; the blame for her unborn child’s lost life lay in her lap, just as it would if it had been by her own hand.
All Pen could think of as she cried into her palms were chances; a chance at life, a chance to be born, and live in a world where there were good and bad things, and it was up to you which path you took. The thought that Pen couldn’t handle was that she had taken the chance that her baby hadn’t gotten, her own chance at life, and completely fucked it. She had gotten mixed up with drugs, and sex, and alcohol, she had taken a beautiful chance, an opportunity that a lot of unborn children like her own would never get, and she had wasted it. Her life, her own life, killed just as it was blossoming. It had all spiraled out of control, starting with that one drink on her 18th birthday.
Pen sobbed louder as she wondered if it was too late to fix it; if she could perhaps find a way to put the train tracks of her own life back into place while it was still early. Negativity fogged her brain, telling her that she wasn’t strong enough. She wasn’t strong enough to save her baby, and she wouldn’t be strong enough to save herself.
The five band members arrived at the hospital after getting the call that Pen had waken up. She had been out for three days now, and the guys had had to reschedule two shows already; they knew they wouldn’t be able to focus while they were all worried about their friend.
“Well…” Ray said as they lingered outside her door. “Who wants to go in first?”
Bob stepped forward and grabbed the handle, clenching his fist so tightly that his knuckles turned white. He took a deep breath and opened the door, stepping quietly into the room. The rest of the guys walked down the hall to allow them privacy.
Penelope didn’t hear him walk in through her reckless crying. It broke Bob’s heart to watch her in pain, and know that there was nothing he could do or say to comfort her.
When they had first gotten to the hospital three days ago, the doctor had asked about the fluids that were soaking her jeans and running down her legs, causing Mikey to admit that Penelope had been pregnant. It had felt like a wallop in the stomach to Bob at the time; how had he not realized it?
“What am I gonna do? Who’s gonna want to help me?” she moaned into her wet fingers, shaking with sobs.
“I will,” Bob finally spoke up, making his presence known. Penelope snapped her head up, looking at him through shining eyes. Her lower lip trembled, and she bit down on it to keep it from quivering.
“Bob--how could you still want to have anything to do with me?” she whispered, casting her eyes down into her lap. “Do you know what I’ve done--”
“I know,” he told her. “And I don’t care. It doesn’t matter to me, none of it. But why didn’t you tell me?”
“I was ashamed,” she murmured. “I thought you’d…I thought you’d want nothing to do with me. Because I’m such a--a--I’m a--”
“Don’t say it,” he told her firmly, sitting lightly on the edge of the bed. “You aren’t. We’ve all made mistakes, and we learn and grow from them. But you have to know, Penelope, no matter what kind of trouble you’re in, I will do whatever I can to help you. I want nothing more than for you to be happy in life, wherever it should take you…with whomever…” he added, looking down.
Pen slid her hand into his, causing Bob to look up. “Even with you?” she asked, offering a small, hopeful smile.
His eyes lit up, and he returned her smile. “Especially with me,” he told her.
='[ I'm sorry. It...it had to be done...OverAndOutxx
“Ms. Way,” he greeted her, making Pen roll her eyes slightly.
“What’s going on, Doc?” she asked him.
“Well,” he said, flipping through the papers on his clipboard. “It seems that you were attacked outside a concert venue by a drug-dealer. Your brothers said that your friend…” he checked the papers again. “…Bob, found him hitting you, and you already seemed to be unconscious. Your assailant seems to have sustained worse injuries than you, however, seeing as Bob got to him before the police did. You’re lucky to have a guy like him around,” the doctor smiled at her then, earning a small smile in return.
“Yeah. I guess I’d do well to remember that, huh?” she said, more to herself than the doctor.
“Now,” he said, back in professional-mode. “You have several bruises and lacerations in various places over your body, but they’ll all heal. I’d be surprised if you even had any scarring left in a few days. A few cracked ribs, but they’ve already healed themselves. It’s quite amazing actually.”
“Hey, Doc,” Pen said suddenly, getting a bit nervous. “I--before this happened, I was--I had--I was…pregnant…” she said quietly. “Did…I mean, am I still…?” she bit her lip and looked up at her doctor, not quite sure what she was hoping to hear.
The doctor’s face fell, and he cleared his throat. Pen closed her eyes and slowly shook her head, feeling a few tears pricking the backs of her eyes. “Well--ahh--” the doctor was even at a loss for words, unsure how to break the news to his patient. “I’m…I’m afraid that you just took too many blows to the stomach. I really am so sorry,” he added.
“Are you positive?” she whispered.
“I’m afraid…By the time the ambulance got you here, most of the placental fluid had already evacuated your body. When they got you here, we had no choice but to remove the rest from your womb with a syringe. I’m so sorry, dear,” he repeated, truly remorseful that her baby had had to be taken from her like this.
She stared down at her hands, not wanting to believe it. Just a few days ago, a human life, a real baby, a little person, had been growing inside her. A little piece of her would have been thrust out into the world, given a chance to live a life on this earth…And now it was gone. A life, extinguished before even getting a chance…It didn’t even get a chance. Pen bit her lip as hard as she could, an attempt at stemming the flow of tears from her eyes, down her face. The doctor told her he’d give her some time to adjust, and he’d be back when she was ready.
Pen took a shuddering breath and leaned her face forward into her hands, sobbing quietly into her fingers. Her baby’s chance had been ripped away, all because Pen had been foolish enough to get mixed up with people like the guy who had attacked her. She may as well have thrown herself down a flight of stairs; the blame for her unborn child’s lost life lay in her lap, just as it would if it had been by her own hand.
All Pen could think of as she cried into her palms were chances; a chance at life, a chance to be born, and live in a world where there were good and bad things, and it was up to you which path you took. The thought that Pen couldn’t handle was that she had taken the chance that her baby hadn’t gotten, her own chance at life, and completely fucked it. She had gotten mixed up with drugs, and sex, and alcohol, she had taken a beautiful chance, an opportunity that a lot of unborn children like her own would never get, and she had wasted it. Her life, her own life, killed just as it was blossoming. It had all spiraled out of control, starting with that one drink on her 18th birthday.
Pen sobbed louder as she wondered if it was too late to fix it; if she could perhaps find a way to put the train tracks of her own life back into place while it was still early. Negativity fogged her brain, telling her that she wasn’t strong enough. She wasn’t strong enough to save her baby, and she wouldn’t be strong enough to save herself.
The five band members arrived at the hospital after getting the call that Pen had waken up. She had been out for three days now, and the guys had had to reschedule two shows already; they knew they wouldn’t be able to focus while they were all worried about their friend.
“Well…” Ray said as they lingered outside her door. “Who wants to go in first?”
Bob stepped forward and grabbed the handle, clenching his fist so tightly that his knuckles turned white. He took a deep breath and opened the door, stepping quietly into the room. The rest of the guys walked down the hall to allow them privacy.
Penelope didn’t hear him walk in through her reckless crying. It broke Bob’s heart to watch her in pain, and know that there was nothing he could do or say to comfort her.
When they had first gotten to the hospital three days ago, the doctor had asked about the fluids that were soaking her jeans and running down her legs, causing Mikey to admit that Penelope had been pregnant. It had felt like a wallop in the stomach to Bob at the time; how had he not realized it?
“What am I gonna do? Who’s gonna want to help me?” she moaned into her wet fingers, shaking with sobs.
“I will,” Bob finally spoke up, making his presence known. Penelope snapped her head up, looking at him through shining eyes. Her lower lip trembled, and she bit down on it to keep it from quivering.
“Bob--how could you still want to have anything to do with me?” she whispered, casting her eyes down into her lap. “Do you know what I’ve done--”
“I know,” he told her. “And I don’t care. It doesn’t matter to me, none of it. But why didn’t you tell me?”
“I was ashamed,” she murmured. “I thought you’d…I thought you’d want nothing to do with me. Because I’m such a--a--I’m a--”
“Don’t say it,” he told her firmly, sitting lightly on the edge of the bed. “You aren’t. We’ve all made mistakes, and we learn and grow from them. But you have to know, Penelope, no matter what kind of trouble you’re in, I will do whatever I can to help you. I want nothing more than for you to be happy in life, wherever it should take you…with whomever…” he added, looking down.
Pen slid her hand into his, causing Bob to look up. “Even with you?” she asked, offering a small, hopeful smile.
His eyes lit up, and he returned her smile. “Especially with me,” he told her.
='[ I'm sorry. It...it had to be done...OverAndOutxx
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