FicWad

I just can't help staring out the window, pretending everything I do matters. Everything I ever say is a half-truth. Some fictional bullshit that I tend to make up on the spot to keep from looking like a complete addict and a fool. I just don't even care anymore.
Let everyone think what they want.

Today is the day I finally start speaking my mind.

Yeah, motherfuckers.

It's not that I didn't care what was happening around me, it was more like I wasn't even paying attention. Even if I was it's not like it would make a difference. Life is silly you know? If you want it, you can't get it. If you you don't you do. I'm sick of the rat-race. I want to seize every day by the throat and choke it till it's all mine.

Some would call it greed, I call it a coming of age.
Something subtle that happened between sleeping and this train ride to the city.

I want to do so much with my life but I just feel like he will has been gone so long that it may never come back. I can stand around and think about avenging my youth all day long but actions speak so much louder than words.


At that realization the train jerked.

"This is your conductor speaking", a voice blared from the speakers to the ears of all the early commuters. "We will be staging an emergency evacuation to another train to leave New York City."
People all through the cabin immediately started clattering and chatting, wondering what was wrong. Some children were becoming antsy after a few minutes becoming scared of what they may hear.
A man near me closed his cellular shut and somberly stated, "There has been a terrorist attack."
Squeal of morbid excitement and small cries could be heard as another man pressed for information. Everyone egging on the man to explain, needing details in case they were in harms way.
"Pardon?" I asked, quizzically.
"The twin tower, in the city. Assumed terrorists from some unknown place have flown planes into the buildings. They aren't sure of survivors and the whole city is covered in a cloud of dust and debris." It seemed so robotic, his voice as flat and his face emotionless. "My wife, she was at work, we were meeting for lunch in Manhatten." He trailed off quickly in shock and slid downward into a seat and buried his face in his hands.
I can't believe this, if I would have left sooner I would have been trapped there in the city. Stuck in a cubicle, scared of the aftermath and trying to escape everything that was going wrong.
"I need to be there!" A woman shouted. "My son! What if-if something, oh my! Please!" She sang in horror, "Please, take me to my son!"
A few women were crying and mostly people were on their telephones trying to find some more information or loved ones.
I stood in shock, forced to sit inside my own head and replay my morning. Waking up in Jersey, running late and needing a shower after a night out drinking alone. What am I even doing with my life? After a half-ass shower I found myself a war, staring at my refrigerator trying to decide on a substantial breakfast and deciding I would rather grab an espresso on my way to the train station. Everything that is wrong with me saved me from something too large to even comprehend right now. I am so goddamn lucky.

"Hey! Can you watch what you're doing!?!" My coffee cup flew from my hands and landed on the chest of a sharply dressed young woman that did not seem to be amused with my revelation that I was now mouthing aloud. "Yeah, YOU'RE so goddamn lucky! Shouldn't you buy a girl a drink before you THROW one at her?!!" I would love to buy this lady a drink.
"I'm so sorry, here let me help." I blurted trying to blot her blouse with my scarf.
"Hey, hey, hey! Get off me creep-o, can't a girl have a fucking stain without a hero? I really don't have time for you right now, or haven't you noticed that the whole state is in panic?" She was a mix of emotions, startled, angry, terrified, covered in my hot drink.
"I really am terribly sorry, I just, there is a lot to take in right now." The other passengers were starting to file out of the cabin at this point.
"I will be fine. I suppose I won't be in my office today anyway, get in line."
"Excuse me?" Get in line?
"Yes, the line. We have to go to the opposite rain, no one is allowed in right now, emergency precautions, you see?" I looked over my shoulder to see my misty-eyed peers, anxious for me to move along.
"Yes, right. Well, I...thanks, and, um, terribly sorry. Complete accident."
"S'fine. Go. Now." She was awfully demanding, even in a state of emergency. I suppose now is an alright time to rude.
I filed out onto the opposite train and day dreamed about watching the news when I returned home . I this really even happening? All the crying, hysterical people around were enough to make this all real but it just couldn't soak in. All of those innocent people. All of those families. The city. The damage. Wow, we're fucked and all I can do is sit here. I wish I could help, there must be, I don't know, something out there that I can do. Something that will matter. Something out there has to make this mediocre feeling go away and open minds.
The train came to a creeping hold, the speakers rang and it was time to depart back into my normal life. When I stepped off I could smell the disaster, even so far away. You could see a thick casing of debris over the city in the distance and even above yourself. We all knew it was worse than we has imagined and life got really real. Really quick. Too quick.
I slammed the pavement with my bag as I pulled out my cellular and phoned my mother.
"Mama, are you there?!" Answering machine. "Mom, it's Gerard, the train was evacuated and I'm back in town now, please don't-"
"GERARD!" My mother cried into the other line, "I was so worried!"
"I'm fine, I promise, back in town at the train stop. Mom...if you and Dad are okay I think I'm going to just walk back to the house, this is insane. You are okay?"
"Yes, darling, perfectly fine. We were so worried about you, I prayed right there in the floor hoping you had been too late for the first train today."
"Aw, gees. I'm sorry to have made you worry like that, but I am perfectly fine right now Mom. I will be home in about a half hour. There are a lot of cabs here but I think I should let the other people with families in The City grab them, I can walk."
My mother sighed into the other line, "I love you son, please, hurry home. I'll let your brother and father know you're on your way back."
"Love you too Mom. See you soon."
I hit the end call button and wiped my hair back out of my face. I snatched my bag up off the ground and walked on toward my neighborhood.
"Hey! Coffee guy! Yeah, hey, stop for a minute!" I urned to see the angry girl from the train.
"Yeah, you, hey, what's up? I can't find a cab, I figure some people need them more than I do right now, you know? I'm not from here anyway, do you um, maybe want to walk along with me?" She seemed a bit better of a mood now even though the circumstances were a downer she had tried her best to be nice about eating my head off.
"Sure." I figured the company would be nice and it kind of dawned on me that she was still wearing my hours old coffee. "How's you're shirt holding up? Need a jacket?" I held mine out trying to be as comforting as possible.
"Oh, I'm fine, a stain never hurt anyone, but uh....how about that drink? Maybe get me my OWN espresso?" She was trying to be funny and it was working, I hadn't just given my jacket to every stranger I met, not usually anyway.
"Oh! Of course, yes, I'd love to." I'm pretty sure I was telling the truth. She meant well enough and I suppose I kind of did owe her.
"Lovely, I have an extra shirt in my bag and the cleaners are on the way to Dunkin' Doughnuts anyway. Sound good?"
"Perfect." As close as it was going to get to today.
"Well, then. Shall we?" She stared walking toward the crosswalk and there we were.
Rejected from a burning city and stuck together through fate for coffee.
"You can send me the bill if you'd like." I didn't mind.
"Oh, very generous but it's truly fine. Thanks."
We walked for a couple of blocks, chatting about the towers and sharing stories of riding the train and working in the city. I told her of how I was an artist and drew cartoons and comics for a living and she told me about how she owned a rare-to-find and limited press book store. She was fascinating and kind. A very genuine person and genuinely interested in me as well. I felt kind of bad that a disaster brought us together but I tried to keep it off my mine. At least for the moment. I didn't want to seem rude by dwelling to much.
"So I guess now would be a proper time to ask seeing as how you ruined my shirt and redeemed yourself and all...what is your name?"
"Gerard. Well, Gerard Way. And you, I'm sorry, I suppose I never asked either." I felt kind of silly that I hadn't caught it in conversation, but it hadn't come up. Whatever her name is she sure is comfortable.
"Gerard? That's an odd name, don't hear it every day." I just chuckled at this, I get that all the time.
"Maybe you should put me in your 'rare to find' section?"
She crooked her eyebrow and pursed her lips, "No, I'm not sure you would fit. It's a small store anyway, but you should check it out since you like to read so often. And it's Bennie."
"Bennie?"
"Yeah, my name, it's Bennie Gets." Wow, good name.
"Well, Bennie, it's a pleasure to meet you." I thrust out a hand and met her all over again finally properly introduced we had arrived at the dry cleaners.
"I'll be right back, Gerard." She swung through the doors and flipped her dark auburn hair fixing her shirt collar and reappeared as quickly and smoothly as she had departed. No, in a crisp black button up and jacket.
"I had something to pick up, remember? I said I had a change, don't look so surprised." Bennie laughed through a grin noticing my puzzled look as she changed in an instant.
"Oh, yes. I do. Hey, the coffee shop is right next door." I pointed out.
"I'm going to need a reallllllly big cup." She slided out slyly.
"Ditto." I chimed, today was too much already. I knew the feeling of needing the caffeine rush.
We strolled in and fetched out fix and coninued to chat through the afternoon until I looked at my cellular finding a text and the clock reading 3PM.
"Oh, wow, I need to get back home. I promised my family I would be back soon." Bennie nodded her head in agreement and mater-of-factly stated something that floored me.
"Since your phone is already out go ahead and key me in. You should probably call me tomorrow, I won't be working." Bold little thing.
I agreed and gladly accepted her digits, promising that I would call her after the calamity calmed down.
"Right then. Tomorrow?"
"Sure." I chimed while walking backward toward my neighborhood that wasn't far now.
Bennie waved and disappeared around a corner.
I kick at the ground, still holding my cup and sipping occasionally. I fumbled through my bag for keys and discovered a note on the foyer table upon entering:
"Went to the grocery for a few things. -Mom."

I smiled and shoved the note into my pocket. Before I knew it I was on the telephone, but not with Bennie.
"Yeah, hey Ray.....yeah, it's Gerard. So um, hey how have you been? Yeah, me neither. I'm not exactly happy with what's been going on lately. I'm thinking we should all get together again soon to jam. Sure. Yeah. So I'll see you on Sunday then? Yes. Here. Okay, I'll phone the others. Bye Ray, sure, be safe too."