Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Darling, I want to destroy you
Gerard only stayed for a couple of minutes. I didn’t want Damien to come home and see him at our place. Gerard didn’t want to leave. He wanted to stay with me. He kept saying that he should stay and keep my company but he also understood why I needed him to go.
He held me in his arms in the doorway and told me that everything would be okay, and that everything would work out. And that’s when I blew up at him.
‘Of course you would say that everything is going to be okay, you already have a kid!’
‘That’s not what I’m trying to say Vee. I mean there are other options, you can adopt.’
‘Adopt? Adopt! I don’t want to fucking adopt. All my life I have been waiting to have my own child. To hold my own flesh and blood.’ I was screaming at him now and crying at the same time. ‘I’ll never get to watch my tummy balloon out. I’ll never experience the weird cravings. I’ll never get to experience the absolute pain and joy of childbirth. And that kills me Gerard it really does kill me.’ He just stood in silence absorbing every single word I threw at him.
‘And I am jealous of every single woman out there who is pregnant, just had a baby or already has children because I will never get to be like them. And fuck, I’m jealous of you to. You get to leave here and go home to your wife and your baby girl. You get to watch her grow up. You get to watch her learn to walk, wave her off to her first day of school, criticise her when she brings home her first boyfriend. And I, I get none of that at all. All I have are two four legged children that only want my attention when they want to eat.’ I wasn’t yelling anymore. I was balling my eyes out. ‘And the worst thing about it all, I will never ever hear a tiny little voice call me Mum.’
I sank down onto the couch and wept. Gerard put a comforting arm around me but I pushed it away.
‘Please Gerard just leave. I need to be alone.’
‘You shouldn’t be alone, not now, not like this.’
‘Just leave me the fuck alone.’ He looked me over and shook his head. He placed the flowers on the coffee table and walked out the door. As soon as I heard the door close I swung my arm across the flowers causing them to fall onto the floor. I was just so angry and so sad. Why me? What did I do to deserve this type of punishment?
I looked down at the broken petals and stem lying across the carpet. I crawled onto my hands and knees and started to pick up the pieces. I didn’t mean to get angry and Gerard. I just cant accept the fact that I would never have a little me in the world.
After I had cleared the flowers I made way to bed. I cried myself to sleep that night. That night Damien never came home.
*
Weeks had gone by since I had learnt about my personal misfortune. Gerard had forgiven me for my outburst, simply saying that my reaction was understandable and that there was no love lost between us. I still hadn’t told Damien my news as I was too scared too tell him. I didn’t want to wear another black eye. But even if I did decide to tell him I couldn’t as he was barely home. When he did come home it was in the dead of the night and I was already in my third dream. He slept with me but was gone again before I woke up. Eventually I was beginning to get sick of the distance between Damien and I. He was my boyfriend for fucks sake!
One night I decide to stay up and wait for him to come home. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to see him. At around 1am he came through the bedroom door and I was leaning up against the headboard reading a book.
‘Bub, what are you still doing awake?’
‘I haven’t seen my boy in weeks and well I waited for you.’ My eyes diverted from his smile to his arm. ‘What happened to your arm?’ It was covered in plaster and graffitied with peoples words of sympathy and stupidity.
‘Didn’t you know I broke my arm? I thought I told you?’
‘Babe we haven’t seen each other in weeks!’
‘Surely you would of felt the plaster while I held you at night as you slept?’
‘Aww did you really hold while I was sleeping?’
‘Every single night. I don’t know what I would do without my angel.’ He climbed in to bed and leaned over towards me placing a gentle kiss on my lips. He started running his tongue along my lips, I opened my mouth rubbing my tongue against his.
We made love for an hour and laid in each others arms. I was reading all the notes friends had written on his cast. One message in particular caught my attention. ‘Hun, my sister didn’t break your arm!’
‘What are you talking about Virginia?’
‘On your cast it says “My girlfriends sister did this to me”, you haven’t seen my sister in months.’
‘Uh um that’s because my girlfriends sister did break my arm.’ I could feel the anger rising in my body. I gently moved his arm away from me as I inched closer to the edge of my bed. I swung my feet over the edge and my body followed suit. ‘Get out’ I whispered.
‘What’s wrong Bub?’ He placed a hand on my shoulder. I turned my head and looked at it. I picked his hand up and removed it from my shoulder.
‘I said GET OUT!!’ I was standing now and looking down on him as he sat in the centre of my bed. ‘Get the fuck out of my house and never ever come back here again or so help me.’
‘Why? Why don’t you want to see me again?’
‘You have another girlfriend… I wonder what the fuck is wrong with that? Are you fucked in the head or something? What kind of games do you think you are playing? Gather all your fucking shit and get the fuck out of my house before I do something I regret.’
I watched as he scampered off the bed into his room. He grabbed as much as his hands could carry and went out to his car. I marched into his room and started pulling clothes out of draws and thew them onto the floor. As I pulled out his things I came across a framed picture of him and another girl. She had drawn little love hearts around the frame. Rage was flowing through my body, I took the frame and launched it into the living room. ‘Oww! What the fuck.’
I looked through the doorway and saw Damien clutching his head. I walked out of the room and went to him. ‘Oh I’m sorry did the picture of you and your girlfriend hit you.’
‘Yeah it did, right on the head.’
‘Oh show me where.’ He raised his hand to the side of his head. I smacked my hand right across the spot.
‘What the fuck was that for?’
‘That’s for taking me on a ride. You are a fucking asshole. I hope you and your girlfriend have a great fucked up life together.’ I walked out the back door and lit up a cigarette while he finished getting rid of the last of his stuff. I waited outside until I heard his car leave my car port.
Back inside I found the spare set of house keys on my kitchen bench. I stared at them and traced my finger around them. It’s over. In that moment without even thinking, I pulled open the cutlery draw. My hand made its way towards the butcher knife. My fingers laced around the handle and my arm pulled it out towards my left arm. A single stroke ripped through my skin and the crimson began to fall. Not satisfied with the one, I did another then another. When I could see nothing but red running down my left hand, I moved to the kitchen sink and placed the knife in the basin. I turned on the cold water and held my bleeding arm under it. The sharp pain ripped through my body and I let out a loud scream.
He held me in his arms in the doorway and told me that everything would be okay, and that everything would work out. And that’s when I blew up at him.
‘Of course you would say that everything is going to be okay, you already have a kid!’
‘That’s not what I’m trying to say Vee. I mean there are other options, you can adopt.’
‘Adopt? Adopt! I don’t want to fucking adopt. All my life I have been waiting to have my own child. To hold my own flesh and blood.’ I was screaming at him now and crying at the same time. ‘I’ll never get to watch my tummy balloon out. I’ll never experience the weird cravings. I’ll never get to experience the absolute pain and joy of childbirth. And that kills me Gerard it really does kill me.’ He just stood in silence absorbing every single word I threw at him.
‘And I am jealous of every single woman out there who is pregnant, just had a baby or already has children because I will never get to be like them. And fuck, I’m jealous of you to. You get to leave here and go home to your wife and your baby girl. You get to watch her grow up. You get to watch her learn to walk, wave her off to her first day of school, criticise her when she brings home her first boyfriend. And I, I get none of that at all. All I have are two four legged children that only want my attention when they want to eat.’ I wasn’t yelling anymore. I was balling my eyes out. ‘And the worst thing about it all, I will never ever hear a tiny little voice call me Mum.’
I sank down onto the couch and wept. Gerard put a comforting arm around me but I pushed it away.
‘Please Gerard just leave. I need to be alone.’
‘You shouldn’t be alone, not now, not like this.’
‘Just leave me the fuck alone.’ He looked me over and shook his head. He placed the flowers on the coffee table and walked out the door. As soon as I heard the door close I swung my arm across the flowers causing them to fall onto the floor. I was just so angry and so sad. Why me? What did I do to deserve this type of punishment?
I looked down at the broken petals and stem lying across the carpet. I crawled onto my hands and knees and started to pick up the pieces. I didn’t mean to get angry and Gerard. I just cant accept the fact that I would never have a little me in the world.
After I had cleared the flowers I made way to bed. I cried myself to sleep that night. That night Damien never came home.
*
Weeks had gone by since I had learnt about my personal misfortune. Gerard had forgiven me for my outburst, simply saying that my reaction was understandable and that there was no love lost between us. I still hadn’t told Damien my news as I was too scared too tell him. I didn’t want to wear another black eye. But even if I did decide to tell him I couldn’t as he was barely home. When he did come home it was in the dead of the night and I was already in my third dream. He slept with me but was gone again before I woke up. Eventually I was beginning to get sick of the distance between Damien and I. He was my boyfriend for fucks sake!
One night I decide to stay up and wait for him to come home. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to see him. At around 1am he came through the bedroom door and I was leaning up against the headboard reading a book.
‘Bub, what are you still doing awake?’
‘I haven’t seen my boy in weeks and well I waited for you.’ My eyes diverted from his smile to his arm. ‘What happened to your arm?’ It was covered in plaster and graffitied with peoples words of sympathy and stupidity.
‘Didn’t you know I broke my arm? I thought I told you?’
‘Babe we haven’t seen each other in weeks!’
‘Surely you would of felt the plaster while I held you at night as you slept?’
‘Aww did you really hold while I was sleeping?’
‘Every single night. I don’t know what I would do without my angel.’ He climbed in to bed and leaned over towards me placing a gentle kiss on my lips. He started running his tongue along my lips, I opened my mouth rubbing my tongue against his.
We made love for an hour and laid in each others arms. I was reading all the notes friends had written on his cast. One message in particular caught my attention. ‘Hun, my sister didn’t break your arm!’
‘What are you talking about Virginia?’
‘On your cast it says “My girlfriends sister did this to me”, you haven’t seen my sister in months.’
‘Uh um that’s because my girlfriends sister did break my arm.’ I could feel the anger rising in my body. I gently moved his arm away from me as I inched closer to the edge of my bed. I swung my feet over the edge and my body followed suit. ‘Get out’ I whispered.
‘What’s wrong Bub?’ He placed a hand on my shoulder. I turned my head and looked at it. I picked his hand up and removed it from my shoulder.
‘I said GET OUT!!’ I was standing now and looking down on him as he sat in the centre of my bed. ‘Get the fuck out of my house and never ever come back here again or so help me.’
‘Why? Why don’t you want to see me again?’
‘You have another girlfriend… I wonder what the fuck is wrong with that? Are you fucked in the head or something? What kind of games do you think you are playing? Gather all your fucking shit and get the fuck out of my house before I do something I regret.’
I watched as he scampered off the bed into his room. He grabbed as much as his hands could carry and went out to his car. I marched into his room and started pulling clothes out of draws and thew them onto the floor. As I pulled out his things I came across a framed picture of him and another girl. She had drawn little love hearts around the frame. Rage was flowing through my body, I took the frame and launched it into the living room. ‘Oww! What the fuck.’
I looked through the doorway and saw Damien clutching his head. I walked out of the room and went to him. ‘Oh I’m sorry did the picture of you and your girlfriend hit you.’
‘Yeah it did, right on the head.’
‘Oh show me where.’ He raised his hand to the side of his head. I smacked my hand right across the spot.
‘What the fuck was that for?’
‘That’s for taking me on a ride. You are a fucking asshole. I hope you and your girlfriend have a great fucked up life together.’ I walked out the back door and lit up a cigarette while he finished getting rid of the last of his stuff. I waited outside until I heard his car leave my car port.
Back inside I found the spare set of house keys on my kitchen bench. I stared at them and traced my finger around them. It’s over. In that moment without even thinking, I pulled open the cutlery draw. My hand made its way towards the butcher knife. My fingers laced around the handle and my arm pulled it out towards my left arm. A single stroke ripped through my skin and the crimson began to fall. Not satisfied with the one, I did another then another. When I could see nothing but red running down my left hand, I moved to the kitchen sink and placed the knife in the basin. I turned on the cold water and held my bleeding arm under it. The sharp pain ripped through my body and I let out a loud scream.
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