Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Darling, I want to destroy you
As soon as I pulled into the car park at work Gerard was ever so faithfully waiting for me besides his car. I walked over to him as I sparked up a cigarette.
‘His gone.’ Was all I said. I watched as smile crept along his face but then disappeared.
‘I’m sorry Vee, I know how much you loved him.’
‘I’m just a fool, that’s all it is.’
‘Naw, your not a fool. Just a nice girl that got hurt.’ He wrapped his arms around me and cuddled me for a few minutes. ‘You have just had a run of bad luck, things will change Vee, I know they will.’ He pulled back away from me as he ran his hands down my arms, his hands gripped tighter as they got to my wrists. ‘Virginia, what are these?’ He was looking at the fresh scars. His grip sent pain shooting through my arm.
‘Let go Gerard, your hurting me.’ He gripped my wrists tighter.
‘And seeing this on your arms is hurting me.’ he said in a low whisper. I looked into his eyes and saw the glisten of fresh tears forming in the corners. He let go of my wrists and turned away from me. I watched him as he raised his hand to his face and wiped away his tears.
‘I… well… I, I just couldn’t take it, I wanted it to end, but then I realised how stupid it would be of me to end it all.’ I let out a deep breath. ‘I just felt so weak. I felt at a lost. Nothing seems to be going right for me. All I want is to be happy. Is that too much to ask? Because at the moment it seems like it is.’
Gerard stared at me intently. ‘Vee, life is hard. Life is bullshit at the best of time. It picks you up and tears you a part, but you have to be strong, and give life a big fuck you. Everyone has their hard times, and some peoples hard times are worse than others, but its something we all must deal with. God knows I have had my times. You need to look at the good things in life.’
‘I know Gee, but right now, I can’t see much positive. All I see is negative. What do I have to live for if I can never have my own children in the world?’
The conversation came to a halt as Tina strolled passed. She noticed us and walked over. ‘Hi guys.’
I just smiled at her as Gerard started a conversation.
‘Hi Tina, how are you?’
‘I’m good. What are you two doing out here? You both don’t start for another 30 minutes.’
‘Oh we just thought we would catch up before our shift started.’
‘But you have your whole shift to talk.’ I didn’t like the direction Tina was taking this conversation.
‘Well we wanted a little bit of extra time.’
‘You both spend a lot of time together.’ She kept lifting her eyebrows every time she said ‘you’ and looked at me then Gerard.
‘Yeah cause we are good friends. Why are you here anyway? Isn’t today your day off?’
‘Um yeah I’m just…’
‘Here to visit Travis from the bar? We all know about you and Travis.’ Tina cheeks went scarlet and walked away leaving us alone.
‘I didn’t know she was interested in Travis.’
‘Don’t try and change the conversation Virginia. You are going to a doctor, and you are going to get those scars checked out.’
‘Doctors are useless, they serve me no good purpose.’ He grabbed my wrists again shaking them as he spoke.
‘And you, at the moment serve yourself no good purpose.’ Gerard kept a hold of my left wrist and dragged me towards the terminal. ‘As Tina pointed out we have time till we start, so you are going to the doctors.’
‘What you are going to fly me to the best doctor in the world?’
‘No. There is a doctor in the international terminal. And you are seeing him.’ I shook my wrist free from his grip and walked along side him into the airport.
Gerard did all the talking with the receptionist as I sat in the waiting room flicking through year old magazines. As soon as Gerard sat down next to me the doctor called me to his office. ‘Did you want me to come with you?’
‘I’m sure I can take care of myself with this one Dad.’ I gave him a cheeky smile as I followed the doctor.
He lead me into a small office that was painted with lime green walls. I looked at all the medical certificates he had hanging from his wall. He gestured his arm towards the seat closets to his desk.
‘So Virginia. I understand that you have had a rather tough time lately.’
‘Yeah I guess you could say that.’ I couldn’t look at him. I kept my eyes focused on anything else but him.
‘Can I have a look at your wrists please.’ I placed both arms in front of me and he scootered closer towards me on his wheeled office chair. He took my left arm in his hand and ran his finger over the scar. ‘The wound isn’t deep so I don’t suspect that it will get infected.’ He let go and manoeuvred himself back to his desk, typing furiously on his keyboard. I sat there while he typed away and squinted my eyes trying to see what he had entered into the computer. As I leaned closer to look he stopped typing and snapped around to look at me and I fell back against the chair.
‘So Virginia, what are you taking at the moment to control your depression.’
‘How did you…’
‘I could see the faded scars on your forearm, I know this isn’t the first time, so what has your GP prescribed you?’
‘Cymbalta.’ He raised his eyebrows and rubbed his forehead.
‘Do you feel that it is effective enough?’
‘I would say so. I have gone through three different types of meds and this one seems to work with me.’ The doctor stared into my eyes as if trying to look into my soul.
‘You know the gentlemen who brought you here is very worried about you. He mentioned something about your ovaries and being unable to bare children.’ Of course Gerard would mention that.
‘And what do my ovaries have to do with anything?’
‘You tell me Virginia. Being told you cant bare your own children couldn’t of been the easiest news to digest.’
‘Well considering I thought I was pregnant and then being told I can never bare kids, it was a shock. I shock I don’t think I can ever get over.’ Tears started to fall from my eyes.
‘There are other options, you are aware of that.’
‘Oh here we go again with the other options. I am over the options. You have no idea how I feel right now. I feel less like a women, in fact I feel like a pathetic excuse of a women.’ I buried my face in my hands as I cried.
‘Virginia, I want you to see someone. I think you need to pour out all those thoughts bubbling around in your mind.’ I lifted my head out of my palms and looked at the doctor, he was holding a business card in my direction. ‘This is the number of a psychologist I would like you to go see. I think it would be in your best interest, both physically and mentally.’ I nodded my head as I rubbed my nose on my arm. He handed me a tissue then walked towards the door.
I walked out and Gerard was sill there waiting for me. ‘Virginia, do you mind taking a seat while I have a quick word with your friend.’ I didn’t respond to the doctor, I just sat down in the chair that Gerard had just exited. I waited for only a couple of minutes until Gerard emerged from the office with a comforting smile on his face. He held out his hand and I placed mine in his. He guided me out of the seat and towards the exit.
‘Do you mind if we go visit Liam, before heading to work.’
‘I was thinking the exact same thing.’ We walked towards our favourite coffee shop and I broke the silence again.
‘He asked you to make sure I see the psychologist didn’t he.’
‘Yeah he did, but I told him I cant watch you every minute of every day.’
‘Sometimes I wish you could,’ I whispered and I thought he didn't hear. But he did.
‘Me to Virginia. Me to.’
‘His gone.’ Was all I said. I watched as smile crept along his face but then disappeared.
‘I’m sorry Vee, I know how much you loved him.’
‘I’m just a fool, that’s all it is.’
‘Naw, your not a fool. Just a nice girl that got hurt.’ He wrapped his arms around me and cuddled me for a few minutes. ‘You have just had a run of bad luck, things will change Vee, I know they will.’ He pulled back away from me as he ran his hands down my arms, his hands gripped tighter as they got to my wrists. ‘Virginia, what are these?’ He was looking at the fresh scars. His grip sent pain shooting through my arm.
‘Let go Gerard, your hurting me.’ He gripped my wrists tighter.
‘And seeing this on your arms is hurting me.’ he said in a low whisper. I looked into his eyes and saw the glisten of fresh tears forming in the corners. He let go of my wrists and turned away from me. I watched him as he raised his hand to his face and wiped away his tears.
‘I… well… I, I just couldn’t take it, I wanted it to end, but then I realised how stupid it would be of me to end it all.’ I let out a deep breath. ‘I just felt so weak. I felt at a lost. Nothing seems to be going right for me. All I want is to be happy. Is that too much to ask? Because at the moment it seems like it is.’
Gerard stared at me intently. ‘Vee, life is hard. Life is bullshit at the best of time. It picks you up and tears you a part, but you have to be strong, and give life a big fuck you. Everyone has their hard times, and some peoples hard times are worse than others, but its something we all must deal with. God knows I have had my times. You need to look at the good things in life.’
‘I know Gee, but right now, I can’t see much positive. All I see is negative. What do I have to live for if I can never have my own children in the world?’
The conversation came to a halt as Tina strolled passed. She noticed us and walked over. ‘Hi guys.’
I just smiled at her as Gerard started a conversation.
‘Hi Tina, how are you?’
‘I’m good. What are you two doing out here? You both don’t start for another 30 minutes.’
‘Oh we just thought we would catch up before our shift started.’
‘But you have your whole shift to talk.’ I didn’t like the direction Tina was taking this conversation.
‘Well we wanted a little bit of extra time.’
‘You both spend a lot of time together.’ She kept lifting her eyebrows every time she said ‘you’ and looked at me then Gerard.
‘Yeah cause we are good friends. Why are you here anyway? Isn’t today your day off?’
‘Um yeah I’m just…’
‘Here to visit Travis from the bar? We all know about you and Travis.’ Tina cheeks went scarlet and walked away leaving us alone.
‘I didn’t know she was interested in Travis.’
‘Don’t try and change the conversation Virginia. You are going to a doctor, and you are going to get those scars checked out.’
‘Doctors are useless, they serve me no good purpose.’ He grabbed my wrists again shaking them as he spoke.
‘And you, at the moment serve yourself no good purpose.’ Gerard kept a hold of my left wrist and dragged me towards the terminal. ‘As Tina pointed out we have time till we start, so you are going to the doctors.’
‘What you are going to fly me to the best doctor in the world?’
‘No. There is a doctor in the international terminal. And you are seeing him.’ I shook my wrist free from his grip and walked along side him into the airport.
Gerard did all the talking with the receptionist as I sat in the waiting room flicking through year old magazines. As soon as Gerard sat down next to me the doctor called me to his office. ‘Did you want me to come with you?’
‘I’m sure I can take care of myself with this one Dad.’ I gave him a cheeky smile as I followed the doctor.
He lead me into a small office that was painted with lime green walls. I looked at all the medical certificates he had hanging from his wall. He gestured his arm towards the seat closets to his desk.
‘So Virginia. I understand that you have had a rather tough time lately.’
‘Yeah I guess you could say that.’ I couldn’t look at him. I kept my eyes focused on anything else but him.
‘Can I have a look at your wrists please.’ I placed both arms in front of me and he scootered closer towards me on his wheeled office chair. He took my left arm in his hand and ran his finger over the scar. ‘The wound isn’t deep so I don’t suspect that it will get infected.’ He let go and manoeuvred himself back to his desk, typing furiously on his keyboard. I sat there while he typed away and squinted my eyes trying to see what he had entered into the computer. As I leaned closer to look he stopped typing and snapped around to look at me and I fell back against the chair.
‘So Virginia, what are you taking at the moment to control your depression.’
‘How did you…’
‘I could see the faded scars on your forearm, I know this isn’t the first time, so what has your GP prescribed you?’
‘Cymbalta.’ He raised his eyebrows and rubbed his forehead.
‘Do you feel that it is effective enough?’
‘I would say so. I have gone through three different types of meds and this one seems to work with me.’ The doctor stared into my eyes as if trying to look into my soul.
‘You know the gentlemen who brought you here is very worried about you. He mentioned something about your ovaries and being unable to bare children.’ Of course Gerard would mention that.
‘And what do my ovaries have to do with anything?’
‘You tell me Virginia. Being told you cant bare your own children couldn’t of been the easiest news to digest.’
‘Well considering I thought I was pregnant and then being told I can never bare kids, it was a shock. I shock I don’t think I can ever get over.’ Tears started to fall from my eyes.
‘There are other options, you are aware of that.’
‘Oh here we go again with the other options. I am over the options. You have no idea how I feel right now. I feel less like a women, in fact I feel like a pathetic excuse of a women.’ I buried my face in my hands as I cried.
‘Virginia, I want you to see someone. I think you need to pour out all those thoughts bubbling around in your mind.’ I lifted my head out of my palms and looked at the doctor, he was holding a business card in my direction. ‘This is the number of a psychologist I would like you to go see. I think it would be in your best interest, both physically and mentally.’ I nodded my head as I rubbed my nose on my arm. He handed me a tissue then walked towards the door.
I walked out and Gerard was sill there waiting for me. ‘Virginia, do you mind taking a seat while I have a quick word with your friend.’ I didn’t respond to the doctor, I just sat down in the chair that Gerard had just exited. I waited for only a couple of minutes until Gerard emerged from the office with a comforting smile on his face. He held out his hand and I placed mine in his. He guided me out of the seat and towards the exit.
‘Do you mind if we go visit Liam, before heading to work.’
‘I was thinking the exact same thing.’ We walked towards our favourite coffee shop and I broke the silence again.
‘He asked you to make sure I see the psychologist didn’t he.’
‘Yeah he did, but I told him I cant watch you every minute of every day.’
‘Sometimes I wish you could,’ I whispered and I thought he didn't hear. But he did.
‘Me to Virginia. Me to.’
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