FicWad

My phone hit the car floor and my throat became dry. Was he implying what I think he was implying. A shot of adrenaline ran through my veins as I took off from the side of the road and into incoming traffic. A flurry of car horns followed me after I re-entered the road. I didn’t care. I had to get home. And I had to get home fast.

As I drove along I kept stealing glances of myself in the rear view mirror. I wasn’t happy with the reflection I saw staring back at me. My eyebrows were in desperate need of some attention and a pimple was making itself comfortable just above my lip. Fuck. I ran my hand down my leg and realised I had forgotten about shaving. Since Damien had left I have had no reason to and now I have turned into cousin it’s relative. Fuck. If I had let my legs go wild then I also hadn’t tamed the wildest of all bushes. Fuck. I tried to calculate how much time I had before Gerard would get to my house. 15 minutes was all I have. 15 minutes to make this mess into a goddess.

I finally made it to my place and turned into my car port. Luckily I stopped speeding and was driving at a crawling pace. Otherwise I would of collected Gerard and his car. Fuck. So much for goddess. I waved at him through the windshield and he gave me a small wave in return. I looked at him and I could tell something was up. His eyes looked smaller and he hadn’t flashed me his smile since I pulled in.

I gathered my handbag and made my way towards him. ‘Hi honey, I’m home! Did you lock yourself out again?’ A small smile grew across his face.

‘Yes I did, seeing as I have never been given a key to our house.’ I laughed but soon stopped as I saw his smile disappear. ‘I’m sorry Virginia. I didn’t know where else to go. Can I come inside?’ His shoulders were slumped and his eyes looked at me, pleading. I took his hand in mine and lead him to my front door.

He sat down on the couch as I put my handbag down and put the kettle on. I came back to find him with his head in his hands. ‘Gee, what’s up? You’re scaring me a little.’ He lifted his head and looked at me. I saw the tear stained cheeks and let out a small gasp. This had to be extremely serious.

‘I’ve fucked up Vee. I’ve fucked up good. I’m a terrible Father, and a terrible husband.’ His eyes stared out into the distance as he wiped his cheeks.

‘What have you done Gerard? I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s going on.’

‘You can’t help me Virginia. I am to far for help.’

‘You are being ridiculous Gee. You are not to far for help. No one ever is.’ I reached out and grabbed his hand. I turned his head to face mine. ‘Tell me what is wrong. I am worried, very worried.’

He gazed into my eyes and looked away. ‘I did something I am not proud of Vee. I’m to ashamed to even tell you.’

‘Gerard, you know I wont judge you, I’m not like that.’

‘I know that Vee, but it’s just so terrible. I’m scared your whole perception of me will change.’

‘Don’t be silly Gerard, that’s impossible, you know I think very highly of you.’ He got up off the couch and started pacing the lounge room.

‘But that’s just it. You think so highly of me, that if I tell you, you will be horrified and never speak to me again. And… and… I couldn’t live with myself if you left me. If I you left my life I would be no one. Without you I am nothing.’

‘Then why did you come to me if you are so afraid to tell me what’s wrong?’ He stopped dead in his tracks and looked at me. An uncomfortable silence fell between us. I stared at him as he stared back at me. I couldn’t take the tension that was travelling between us. I walked off to the kitchen and started making coffee. I kept telling myself to remain calm and to just breathe. I spooned in the sugar and coffee and began to stir the wonderful concoction together. I turned around to get the milk out of the fridge and slammed right into Gerard’s chest. ’Fuck me.’

‘I hit my daughter,’ he said in such a low whisper that I could only hear him because he was so close to me.

‘You did what?’

‘I hit my daughter, and I didn’t mean to. I don’t know what came over me, I jut did it.’ He was shaking his head furiously and stepping away from me. ’I didn’t mean to and I sure as hell didn’t want to but I did and Lindsay saw and she yelled at me and I yelled back and oh man I am fucked.’ He went back to pacing around the lounge room his arms waving all around him.

I picked up the two coffee cups and carried them into the lounge room placing them onto the coffee table. I stood in the middle of the room and waited for Gerard to walk up to me. He lifted his head up and saw my standing in front of him. I rested my hands on his shoulders and asked him to calm down. He crumpled into a heap on the floor and once again put his head in his hands.

‘Gerard, I know you wouldn’t hit your daughter on purpose. You need to tell me what happened, because your story is not making any sense.’

He took a deep breath and replayed the scene from earlier today. ‘I was sitting on the couch with B and we were just playing with some of her dolls being silly and then she stood up on the couch with a doll in hand and smacked me across the face with it. So I hit her on her bottom and she started to cry. Lindsay came into the room when she heard B’s cries and asked me what happened. I told her I hit Bandit. Lindsay started screaming at me, telling me that I was a pathetic excuse of a father. That I am hardly ever home and when I am my mind is else where not where it should be. I tried to tell her that it was an accident but she told me to leave. She held open the front door and ordered me out.’ As he re-told his story he kept his eyes fixated on the carpet, never once looking up at me.

I let the silence linger between us as I rubbed his thigh in an effort to comfort him. When my hand met his leg he looked up at me ‘You’re still here?’

‘Where would I go? This is my house.’

‘I thought you would of left in disgust.’

‘Gerard, you haven’t done anything wrong, you are beating yourself up over nothing.’

‘Are you crazy I hit my daughter. I made her cry. I don’t like making a girl cry, it’s the worst thing a guy could do.’

‘Gerard, when you said you hit you daughter I thought you punched her. You lightly tapped her on her bottom and she still wears diapers. I don’t think you would of caused any injury to her, if anything you shocked her and that’s why she started crying.’

‘No I hit her. I know I hit her.’

‘Gerard, look at me. I know you smacked her bottom but you didn’t hit her. You did what most parents do to their kids. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.’

‘But I never wanted to ever hit my daughter. Never ever. I did want to ever punish her like that. I don’t know what came over me.’ I was fighting a useless battle with him. There was no way possible that I could explain to him that what he did was nothing compared to what other people do to their children.

‘Have you called Lindsay since you have left the house?’

‘No I haven’t. I don’t know what to say to her. I am just so ashamed with myself.’

‘I think its best that you talk to her and explain to her what you told me.’

‘What if she doesn’t listen to me. Or even worse, what if she doesn’t answer her phone?’

‘Gee, I know Lindsay loves you and she will listen to you, you just need to explain to her what really happened.’ I handed him his coffee and a took a sip holding it in his hands.

‘You don’t think I am a bad person?’ He looked at me with hope.

‘No Gerard, I don’t think you are a bad person, I think you are worrying yourself to much. Please call Lindsay, I’m going to the bathroom.’ I picked myself up off the floor and walked into the bathroom. I closed the door and slide down against it. I thought about what Lindsay had said to Gerard about hardly being home and when he was his mind was else where. I began to think that Gerard’s problem didn’t lie with his daughter, but there were more pressing issues with his wife, and I was the one causing the issue.