Categories > Anime/Manga > Hikaru no Go > The Lessons of Hikaru and Akira
Learning to Touch
0 reviewsShindou Hikaru and Touya Akira go through the difficult stages of learning about one another, and what it means to have a relationship.
0Unrated
Rating: 18+ for occasional non-explicit but highly suggestive adult themes, especially in later chapters
Chapter 1: Learning to Touch
xxxxx
"Hey, hey. Are you drunk? Do you need a taxi?" Shindou Hikaru asked his friend and eternal rival.
"N- no. No, I'm fine. I was..." Touya Akira looked Hikaru in the eyes, and then turned away. Tonight was the celebration of Ogata's second title, which Akira had attended out of formality.
"I drank a little, but was waiting it off when Ogata-sensei assaulted me with some incoherent rambling."
It was true, he had only drank one beer, maybe an hour and a half ago, and had been waiting patiently for a moment to excuse himself when Ogata got a little too chummy. Akira had been grateful that the ever-obsessive Hikaru had come to retrieve him when he didn't answer his phone.
"Oh man," Hikaru laughed heartily, "when he's drunk it's like he has a second personality. 'Drunk Ogata'... maybe he's Sai."
Akira cracked a smile. Shindou's humor, however totally stupid, did make him smile, if for no other reason than he was the only one to tried to make him smile.
Hikaru sighed, relieved.
"Phew!" he said, smiling widely when he saw Touya's grin, crossing his arms high behind his head. "You were so serious when I rescued you, I'm glad you're okay now."
Akira felt a pang in his chest that he found was becoming more and more frequent as of late. It was both happy and sad, and he wasn't sure what to make of it. It happened whenever Hikaru did, or said, something...sweet to him. Something that made him feel cared about. That feeling usually dazed him for a moment, and he was unaware that Hikaru noticed this.
"But, really, Touya-kun," Hikaru continued, changing the subject. "I've got some tutoring to schedule tomorrow so I need to know when we're meeting so they don't conflict, okay."
"A...ah," Akira mouthed.
Hikaru furrowed his eyebrows. "Touya?" he asked, knowing clearly that Akira's mind was in outer space.
"H...hey, Shindou. I think..." Akira began, staring at his feet. "I think maybe I'm not feeling so well after all. Let's postpone tomorrow's game, okay?"
He cocked his head, dissapointed, but not bothered. "Sure."
Hikaru continued walking, and Akira followed him a few steps behind. It was almost midnight, and the residential streets were dark and quiet.
Akira had become increasingly concerned with this feeling, specifically because it was so unfamiliar. Why did it feel pleasant and painful at the same time? Why did it only happen with Shindou, and why so recently? He turned these feelings over in his head for a long while as they walked.
"Hey," Hikaru said, suddenly. He turned around to face Akira. His expression was stern.
Snapped out of his trance, Akira looked up. They had almost reached Akira's home.
"Listen," he continued, averting his eyes from Akira's, and scratching the back of his head absently, "You go get some rest. And... feel better."
He paused, and Akira blinked at him. He wondered if Hikaru was angry, or what it meant that he stressed the last two words so specifically.
"But-" he added, forcing Akira to freeze. "But if something is the matter, I hope you'd tell me what you're thinking."
He began walking immediately, mumbling 'excuse me' on his way, with a half-hearted raise of his hand. He didn't look Touya in the eye as he said it- he had kept his face averted.
He was already far away when Touya resumed control of his senses.
His thoughts raced.
'What was his face saying that he didn't want me to see?
And how did he know...that I was lying about how I felt?'
xxxxx
Akira was unable to sleep that night. Ogata had said to him that Shindou was more than just the other half of his go. He knew this- this was not news. Akira and Hikaru were close friends now. Their relationship had graduated over the past couple of years- from meetings at the salon and the institute, to games at one another's homes, to the occasional dinner at the other's house, and a sleepover or two when their games or discussions ran too late.
Just as Akira had become astute in identifying when Hikaru was not his normal self, Hikaru had come to know how to determine when Akira was having inner turmoil. He had seen through Akira's "I'm not feeling well" charade.
"I should have known," Akira thought. But what was his other option? Telling Shindou "Yeah, I feel all funny inside when you do something nice for me. Let's discuss?"
Akira shared parts of himself with Hikaru that he shared with no one else. His existance was, above all else, absolute composure. Because his father was Meijin, he didn't want anyone to think he received anything by sheer virtue of being Mejin's son. He worked hard to obtain his goals on his own, not because of his father. That is why Akira never let his appearance falter- so there would be no question about how worthy he was of what he had gained.
But Hikaru never doubted that. When he met Akira, he didn't know who he, or his father, was. Well, he was also someone else- some God of Go channeling through a young boy's hand.
"That again," Akira remorsed, gritting his teeth. He'd waited patiently for Hikaru to tell him the truth about Sai.
But in any case, he had never been Touya Mejin's son to Hikaru. To him, Akira had always been... Akira. And he knew Akira's strength better than anyone. This is why he could be human around Hikaru. He could shed the costume of the "Pro Go Player" when he was with Hikaru, and just be "Akira."
"He makes me laugh," Akira said out loud, as his thoughts wandered.
Akira tossed in bed, waiting for thoughts of Shindou to leave his mind. But he couldn't. He almost wanted to relive the frequent, stirring moments that he experienced as long as he could before sleeping. Shindou was precious to him. But he didn't understand how much.
xxxxx
Monday morning came. Cold and bright. Akira shook away of the frost of his heavy dreams and came to the sense of where, and when, he was. In his futon. Shindou walked him home last night. Parents in China again.
He sat up, facing the bright sunlight of the day squinting and yawning. Shindou had been his only plan for the day, and he'd cancelled it.
He knew that wouldn't stop him, though. Sometime after lunch, he would come barging in, because that's what Shindou did. He'd get an idea in his head, like "Monday I'm playing Touya," and nothing would erase that idea. He would eventually show up anyway, ask if he was free, and-
"Touuuuuuuuuuya-kun!" came a familiar bellow.
'Oh, God, what time was it?' Akira thought. 'Am I decent?'
"Neeeeeeee, are you home, Touya?"
Akira sighed. Hikaru didn't know whether Akira was home or not. If he remained silent, Hikaru would go away. Or so he thought.
Before he could even finish breathing his sigh of relief, Akira's bedroom door slid open with a crash, and he was knocked back onto his pillows in surprise.
"Ahhhhh! Thank goodness you're alright!" Hikaru shouted, exhaling deeply.
Akira sat, stunned, half-awake, half-clothed.
He blinked.
Hikaru stared back.
"T...touya..."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGHHHH!" Akira screamed, throwing first his pillows, and then everything he could get his hands on, at him, shouting "Get! The! Hell! Out! Of! My! Room! You-!" until he had been pushed far enough out of the bedroom to close the door on him. Akira slammed it shut (well, a corner of a pillow was in the way, so it was slid... mostly shut.)
He spun around, crossed his arms with his back to the door, and hollared "Don't you have ANY manners, Shindou Hikaru? Coming into my house, and barging into my room, do you have no sense of-"
...and at that moment, Touya Akira melted.
Suddenly, he experienced a feeling he had never felt before. Not like anything he had felt in his entire life. Hikaru's hand- he had reached it through the door, and placed it on Akira's naked shoulder. It was warm. His touch, at that moment, told Akira everything Hikaru hadn't been given a chance to say. It said, "Akira, you got drunk, you were alone, and not well, so I came to make sure you were alright."
More to the point, it said, "I was worried about you."
Akira became flush. His skin burned, and his knees became weak. His stomach caved in on itself. This feeling... Shindou's touch. It was unlike anything...anything... he had ever felt.
He felt like fainting, but refused. He couldn't decide if he wanted the touch to stop or continue. The feeling was like the sweet feeling he had pondered the day before- but amplified in a way that deafened his senses. He couldn't faint, no, because then this sensation would stop.
'No! What...what am I doing?' Akira thought. 'Wanting Shindou to... touch me?'
"G... go away!" he stammered, still facing away from Hikaru. He immediately lifted his hand, stunned. For a moment, it hovered over Akira's shoulder. He could feel its warmth radiating. But no sooner did he come to notice this, than his hand came down again, grasping Akira's neckline firmly, as if to turn him around by force.
"Touya, I'm-" he began to say, but it was too much. A touch made him dizzy, but his grip- that was too much. He stumbled, and landed on his hands on the floor. He was burning.
No sooner had Akira fallen than his friend wrenched the door open, rushing in to help him.
"Please!" Akira shouted, his face to the floor.
Hikaru froze.
"Please go away. Please, don't come back today." Akira fought back tears. He tried desperately, between heaves, not to sound like he was about to cry. He didn't want to chase his best friend away, but he was overwhelmed with fever and confusion. "Pl...please."
Hikaru eked not another sound. Akira heard him try tiptoe out of the room backwards. He tripped on something that was thrown on the way out. And once in the livingroom, he ran.
He curled up into a ball on the floor and heaved for the first few minutes. He felt red and hot. Akira clawed at his shoulder, trying to rid himself of the sensation of Shindou's touch.
'Why did it bring me to my knees?' he thought. 'Why did I feel so disgusting?'
... and why did he want more?
xxxxx
He woke up half in his futon, half on the floor, as if he had crawled over to it, and had only the strength to throw his head and shoulders onto it. He looked disgraceful. His face was puffy from tears, and still hot from crying.
"So..." he came to consciousness, and spoke aloud. "So cold!!!"
He ran to the bathroom to start a hot bath to take away the chill brought on by idiotically sleeping shirtless and blanketless on the floor. In the bathroom, he noticed that his phone was on the floor.
"What are you doing here?" he said aloud.
He picked it up, and flipped it open. It did not respond. "Battery...?"
He began running the bath, and then brought the phone to his room to plug it in, before coming back to shower off and get in.
The hot bath was refreshing. Silent. Calm. Finally, he could think. The clock said it was fifteen o clock, but he had so little conception of time at this point, it didn't matter. What time was it when Shindou came by?
He closed his eyes, and remembered. Shindou's hand on his shoulder. It had shocked him. 'Had we ever touched before?' Akira wondered. Since they were in grade school, and Akira grabbed Hikaru's hand to examine it for evidence of go playing? No, come to think of it, they never touched. In fact, he had never been touched. By anyone. his mother hugged him, yes. He shook hands with some foreign players, yes, but... the feeling of skin...
'Oh...why does it rattle me so much?' Akira thought, proceeding to grumble audibly. 'Moreover, why was my first instinct to grab it, and pull him closer to me? To feel more of him?'
Akira's frustrated groan echoed in the bathroom.
'Ugggh, how wretched! How perverse!'
Akira wondered where the feelings came from. His hands, he decided. But why? Is it because they could have touched more? More than just his shoulder?
He frantically shook his head.
Maybe his arms. His chest? What would that have felt like?
Excitement was growing somewhere under the water, in a certain organ he had least wanted it to.
"NO NO NO NO NO!" he cried, smacking his fists against the water like a child.
He had tried so hard to avoid the idea that those feelings were even remotely related to arousal. But he couldn't stop thinking, fantasizing about that feeling.
Soon, he couldn't fight it any longer. He allowed himself to become aroused so rarely that now... at this stage, he could not recover without giving in. With anguish, he closed his eyes, and let his hands drift through the water to their erect target. He leaned back whispering, "Shin...dou..." as he gave himself up to the fantasies he had tried so desperately to repress.
xxxxx
Thoroughly disgusted with himself for having fantasies about his best friend, Akira returned to his bedroom to find his phone beeping at him. There were a nine- NINE messages?
"Message 1: Sunday, 22:39. Touya, it's Shindou. Its about 23:00 and I was hoping we could make plans for tomorrow. Call me soon?
Message 2: Sunday, 23:11. Touya? Are you not back from the party? At least turn on your phone, okay? I have to make plans for tomorrow, so call.
Message 3: Sunday, 23:28. Touya, Shindou. Look, are you okay? You're not drunk in a ditch somewhere, right? If you're drunk, I'll pick you up, okay? Don't let Ogata do anything wierd to you."
Akira chuckled. Ogata was pretty disgusting last night.
"Message 4: Monday, 09:02. Touya, it's Shindou. Feeling better? My tutoring is almost over, and I wanted to give Yoshi a certain kifu to study. Do you remember that game, six years ago... Kuwabara-sensei played...someone. Ugh! I can't remember. Do you remember? It was really good. Oi, it's too early. You better be awake." There was a pause, and he whispered, "How much did you drink? Call me back?"
"Message 5: Monday, 09:37. Touya! Are you alive? What the hell?"
"Message 6: Monday, 09:59." Silence. Akira heard the click, and in the silence, could hear his fear. Hikaru really was worried that he was dead.
But there was more.
"Message 7: Monday, 13:01. Uh....Touya. I..." I cringed at the sadness in his voice. The rest of the message was muffled.
"Message 8: Monday, 13:33. Touya, it's...Touya I don't know what I did but...look, I don't want to be hated by you, okay, so...please..." Akira's heart was breaking. "Please tell me what I should do?"
'Oh God, what have I done' he thought. 'He's been through nearly 24 hours of worry at this point. What does he think I feel?'
"Message 9: Monday: 16:09. Touya! Touya, your phone rang. I know it's on now, so... please. When you feel like you can, just tell me what I did wrong? I can't..."
What had he done?
Akira stared at the phone. What could he do now? Shindou had been crushed by Akira's internal confusion. What had just happened? How much hurt had he caused his best friend?
When the phone rang in his hand, it shocked Akira not only out of my musings but out of chair as well. He landed on the floor, and the phone tumbled onto the tatami a few feet beyond him.
It was just his mother, checking on him.
xxxxx
Akira knew it was his move. Shindou would not call again, he had already make himself sound desperate enough. Akira had to fix this. He had to muster up the determination of his go, and fix his relationship with his best friend.
All he could manage was a phone email. "Please come over. I don't hate you. I'm sorry."
He didn't know what he was going to do or say when Hikaru arrived, but he had to, at least, alleviate his friend's grief as soon as possible. It was the least he could do right now. It took only about 20 minutes to reach Akira's house if Hikaru hopped on a subway right away. He had to assume he had only that much time to figure out what he would say.
Or so he thought.
Immediately, his phone chirped with a reply.
It said, "I'm here."
xxxxx
As Akira walked, carefully, towards the door, a sense of total fear rose up inside him. He wanted to resort to anger to hide it, like he did when Hikaru's post-game discussions challenged him. He wanted berate Hikaru about how pathetic it was for him to be waiting outside his door all this time. But when Akira opened the door, and saw him, his posturing anger melted away.
He was sitting on the step, his head in his hands, staring across the street.
All Akira could so was look at him. He couldn't say a word. He had forgotten how to speak.
The silence pervaded for a long time. Maybe six or seven minutes. Hikaru's mind was racing to find the right thing to say first, and Akira's, meanwhile, had gone completely, entirely blank.
Akira realized at that moment, that he loved him. More dearly than anything he had ever known.
Still looking away from his friend, Hikaru began to speak. "I know..." his voice shook. "I know how pathetic I must look."
Akira wanted to shout 'no, no you aren't pathetic!' But he was still mute.
"I'm calling you over and over, like a possessive mother. Watching over you like a nanny. Loosing sleep and focus, Oh God, look at me!" He laughed in a tired, and sick way. As if he were at his wits end.
"I'm so sorry you have to see me like this. I'd tell you you won't have to see me again, but you will, because we are professionals of Go. We will see each other several times a week in matches and events. There's nothing we can do about it, so..." he turned around and his rival's eyes. "So we have to talk, and make it okay."
Akira's heart broke when he saw his face, wrecked with worry. But still, no words would come out.
"I wasn't thinking... I mean, last night, I didn't think that worrying about you so much...would look so pathetic. I mean..." He inhaled, obviously put off by the fact that Akira could do nothing but stare at him. So he turned away again. "It made sense then. No one was home, you were wierd when I walked you home. I thought, if he dies of alcohol poisoning, no one will know until his parents get back in three days. How would I feel if that happened?"
Akira ached. But he still could not speak.
"But I know how you must have felt. A grown man, doting on you like that. I'm so sorry. Calling you over and over... busting into your house...I'm sorry...but..."
He lowered his face into his palms.
"But I thought we were close enough that that would be okay. I was wrong, so... please. Please forgive me."
Akira had never ever seen Shindou so vulnerable before. Not after his most crushing losses. Not when his grandfather died. This was his most sincere.
Words failed him, because there were no words for what he needed to say. There was nothing in Akira's vocablary to communicate that everything was alright, everything he did was alright, and that there was nothing he needed to be forgiven for.
So Akira fell to his knees and embraced him. He wrapped his arms around Hikaru so tightly, that were he not the fit Shindou he knew, I might have suffocated him. He had never held on to something so dearly, so fiercely, in his entire life. Touch was not dirty. It was communication. It was a language beyond words. He hung on so tightly that he thought he might break himself. Shindou, facing away from Akira, could not hug him back, but Akira could feel- because Hikaru was wrapped up in him- he could feel Hikaru's soul lighten. He felt him relax. His muscles loosened, and his breath steadied. He thought he could even feel him smile.
After a long moment, Hikaru put his hand over Akira's. Instead of fearing it, he savored it. And Akira smiled too.
A long minute later, Akira sat up, and slowly let go of his friend's body. Hikaru took his time inhaling loudy, exhaling, and turning around to face Akira. In a final act of beauty, he reached his hand up to Akira's cheek, and brushed it gently. With this, he said "Thank you."
As the energy adjusted back to normal, clearing the debris of that fitful tension, Akira sat down next to him. They looked out into the street. After a moment, Akira said "I've gotta get things in order."
"Hmm?" Shindou asked.
"I haven't been out of the house in almost 20 hours. And it's a wreck in there. I feel like a train thats been derailed."
"Ah," he replied.
"But I feel better, now, Shindou." Akira smiled. It felt good. "Thank you for worrying."
As Akira beamed at him, he noticed how free he was becoming. Some wall had cracked in Akira's heart, revealing its sensitive insides. Akira wanted to show Hikaru that he was not alone in sharing his vulnerability. But as he was new to this sort of thing, Hikaru got a little freaked out.
"T...touya..." he stammered. His face began to flush.
"W- what is it?" Akira shouted, turning scarlet himself.
"N...nothing," he replied, turning away. "I'll let you..." But Akira grabbed his arm as he began to stand up, pulling him back down with a thud.
"Tell me," Akira demanded.
"Ahhhhh, nooo, Touya, you're scary again, I take it back!" he hollared, trying to wrench his arm from Akira's grip. He grabbed on with both hands. For his frail physique, he managed to keep a good hold on his friend. In the tussle, they has fallen into a pile on the floor. Akira turned over, his face over Hikaru's as he lay facing up.
"Shindou... tell me what you were thinking."
Hikaru sighed in defeat. He closed his eyes for a beat, and then opened them, looking at his rival square in the eyes.
"Touya. Don't laugh at me, okay. But, when you smiled at me... you really, really smiled at me, for the first time ever. I thought it may have been the happiest moment of my life."
-End of chapter 1.
Chapter 1: Learning to Touch
xxxxx
"Hey, hey. Are you drunk? Do you need a taxi?" Shindou Hikaru asked his friend and eternal rival.
"N- no. No, I'm fine. I was..." Touya Akira looked Hikaru in the eyes, and then turned away. Tonight was the celebration of Ogata's second title, which Akira had attended out of formality.
"I drank a little, but was waiting it off when Ogata-sensei assaulted me with some incoherent rambling."
It was true, he had only drank one beer, maybe an hour and a half ago, and had been waiting patiently for a moment to excuse himself when Ogata got a little too chummy. Akira had been grateful that the ever-obsessive Hikaru had come to retrieve him when he didn't answer his phone.
"Oh man," Hikaru laughed heartily, "when he's drunk it's like he has a second personality. 'Drunk Ogata'... maybe he's Sai."
Akira cracked a smile. Shindou's humor, however totally stupid, did make him smile, if for no other reason than he was the only one to tried to make him smile.
Hikaru sighed, relieved.
"Phew!" he said, smiling widely when he saw Touya's grin, crossing his arms high behind his head. "You were so serious when I rescued you, I'm glad you're okay now."
Akira felt a pang in his chest that he found was becoming more and more frequent as of late. It was both happy and sad, and he wasn't sure what to make of it. It happened whenever Hikaru did, or said, something...sweet to him. Something that made him feel cared about. That feeling usually dazed him for a moment, and he was unaware that Hikaru noticed this.
"But, really, Touya-kun," Hikaru continued, changing the subject. "I've got some tutoring to schedule tomorrow so I need to know when we're meeting so they don't conflict, okay."
"A...ah," Akira mouthed.
Hikaru furrowed his eyebrows. "Touya?" he asked, knowing clearly that Akira's mind was in outer space.
"H...hey, Shindou. I think..." Akira began, staring at his feet. "I think maybe I'm not feeling so well after all. Let's postpone tomorrow's game, okay?"
He cocked his head, dissapointed, but not bothered. "Sure."
Hikaru continued walking, and Akira followed him a few steps behind. It was almost midnight, and the residential streets were dark and quiet.
Akira had become increasingly concerned with this feeling, specifically because it was so unfamiliar. Why did it feel pleasant and painful at the same time? Why did it only happen with Shindou, and why so recently? He turned these feelings over in his head for a long while as they walked.
"Hey," Hikaru said, suddenly. He turned around to face Akira. His expression was stern.
Snapped out of his trance, Akira looked up. They had almost reached Akira's home.
"Listen," he continued, averting his eyes from Akira's, and scratching the back of his head absently, "You go get some rest. And... feel better."
He paused, and Akira blinked at him. He wondered if Hikaru was angry, or what it meant that he stressed the last two words so specifically.
"But-" he added, forcing Akira to freeze. "But if something is the matter, I hope you'd tell me what you're thinking."
He began walking immediately, mumbling 'excuse me' on his way, with a half-hearted raise of his hand. He didn't look Touya in the eye as he said it- he had kept his face averted.
He was already far away when Touya resumed control of his senses.
His thoughts raced.
'What was his face saying that he didn't want me to see?
And how did he know...that I was lying about how I felt?'
xxxxx
Akira was unable to sleep that night. Ogata had said to him that Shindou was more than just the other half of his go. He knew this- this was not news. Akira and Hikaru were close friends now. Their relationship had graduated over the past couple of years- from meetings at the salon and the institute, to games at one another's homes, to the occasional dinner at the other's house, and a sleepover or two when their games or discussions ran too late.
Just as Akira had become astute in identifying when Hikaru was not his normal self, Hikaru had come to know how to determine when Akira was having inner turmoil. He had seen through Akira's "I'm not feeling well" charade.
"I should have known," Akira thought. But what was his other option? Telling Shindou "Yeah, I feel all funny inside when you do something nice for me. Let's discuss?"
Akira shared parts of himself with Hikaru that he shared with no one else. His existance was, above all else, absolute composure. Because his father was Meijin, he didn't want anyone to think he received anything by sheer virtue of being Mejin's son. He worked hard to obtain his goals on his own, not because of his father. That is why Akira never let his appearance falter- so there would be no question about how worthy he was of what he had gained.
But Hikaru never doubted that. When he met Akira, he didn't know who he, or his father, was. Well, he was also someone else- some God of Go channeling through a young boy's hand.
"That again," Akira remorsed, gritting his teeth. He'd waited patiently for Hikaru to tell him the truth about Sai.
But in any case, he had never been Touya Mejin's son to Hikaru. To him, Akira had always been... Akira. And he knew Akira's strength better than anyone. This is why he could be human around Hikaru. He could shed the costume of the "Pro Go Player" when he was with Hikaru, and just be "Akira."
"He makes me laugh," Akira said out loud, as his thoughts wandered.
Akira tossed in bed, waiting for thoughts of Shindou to leave his mind. But he couldn't. He almost wanted to relive the frequent, stirring moments that he experienced as long as he could before sleeping. Shindou was precious to him. But he didn't understand how much.
xxxxx
Monday morning came. Cold and bright. Akira shook away of the frost of his heavy dreams and came to the sense of where, and when, he was. In his futon. Shindou walked him home last night. Parents in China again.
He sat up, facing the bright sunlight of the day squinting and yawning. Shindou had been his only plan for the day, and he'd cancelled it.
He knew that wouldn't stop him, though. Sometime after lunch, he would come barging in, because that's what Shindou did. He'd get an idea in his head, like "Monday I'm playing Touya," and nothing would erase that idea. He would eventually show up anyway, ask if he was free, and-
"Touuuuuuuuuuya-kun!" came a familiar bellow.
'Oh, God, what time was it?' Akira thought. 'Am I decent?'
"Neeeeeeee, are you home, Touya?"
Akira sighed. Hikaru didn't know whether Akira was home or not. If he remained silent, Hikaru would go away. Or so he thought.
Before he could even finish breathing his sigh of relief, Akira's bedroom door slid open with a crash, and he was knocked back onto his pillows in surprise.
"Ahhhhh! Thank goodness you're alright!" Hikaru shouted, exhaling deeply.
Akira sat, stunned, half-awake, half-clothed.
He blinked.
Hikaru stared back.
"T...touya..."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGHHHH!" Akira screamed, throwing first his pillows, and then everything he could get his hands on, at him, shouting "Get! The! Hell! Out! Of! My! Room! You-!" until he had been pushed far enough out of the bedroom to close the door on him. Akira slammed it shut (well, a corner of a pillow was in the way, so it was slid... mostly shut.)
He spun around, crossed his arms with his back to the door, and hollared "Don't you have ANY manners, Shindou Hikaru? Coming into my house, and barging into my room, do you have no sense of-"
...and at that moment, Touya Akira melted.
Suddenly, he experienced a feeling he had never felt before. Not like anything he had felt in his entire life. Hikaru's hand- he had reached it through the door, and placed it on Akira's naked shoulder. It was warm. His touch, at that moment, told Akira everything Hikaru hadn't been given a chance to say. It said, "Akira, you got drunk, you were alone, and not well, so I came to make sure you were alright."
More to the point, it said, "I was worried about you."
Akira became flush. His skin burned, and his knees became weak. His stomach caved in on itself. This feeling... Shindou's touch. It was unlike anything...anything... he had ever felt.
He felt like fainting, but refused. He couldn't decide if he wanted the touch to stop or continue. The feeling was like the sweet feeling he had pondered the day before- but amplified in a way that deafened his senses. He couldn't faint, no, because then this sensation would stop.
'No! What...what am I doing?' Akira thought. 'Wanting Shindou to... touch me?'
"G... go away!" he stammered, still facing away from Hikaru. He immediately lifted his hand, stunned. For a moment, it hovered over Akira's shoulder. He could feel its warmth radiating. But no sooner did he come to notice this, than his hand came down again, grasping Akira's neckline firmly, as if to turn him around by force.
"Touya, I'm-" he began to say, but it was too much. A touch made him dizzy, but his grip- that was too much. He stumbled, and landed on his hands on the floor. He was burning.
No sooner had Akira fallen than his friend wrenched the door open, rushing in to help him.
"Please!" Akira shouted, his face to the floor.
Hikaru froze.
"Please go away. Please, don't come back today." Akira fought back tears. He tried desperately, between heaves, not to sound like he was about to cry. He didn't want to chase his best friend away, but he was overwhelmed with fever and confusion. "Pl...please."
Hikaru eked not another sound. Akira heard him try tiptoe out of the room backwards. He tripped on something that was thrown on the way out. And once in the livingroom, he ran.
He curled up into a ball on the floor and heaved for the first few minutes. He felt red and hot. Akira clawed at his shoulder, trying to rid himself of the sensation of Shindou's touch.
'Why did it bring me to my knees?' he thought. 'Why did I feel so disgusting?'
... and why did he want more?
xxxxx
He woke up half in his futon, half on the floor, as if he had crawled over to it, and had only the strength to throw his head and shoulders onto it. He looked disgraceful. His face was puffy from tears, and still hot from crying.
"So..." he came to consciousness, and spoke aloud. "So cold!!!"
He ran to the bathroom to start a hot bath to take away the chill brought on by idiotically sleeping shirtless and blanketless on the floor. In the bathroom, he noticed that his phone was on the floor.
"What are you doing here?" he said aloud.
He picked it up, and flipped it open. It did not respond. "Battery...?"
He began running the bath, and then brought the phone to his room to plug it in, before coming back to shower off and get in.
The hot bath was refreshing. Silent. Calm. Finally, he could think. The clock said it was fifteen o clock, but he had so little conception of time at this point, it didn't matter. What time was it when Shindou came by?
He closed his eyes, and remembered. Shindou's hand on his shoulder. It had shocked him. 'Had we ever touched before?' Akira wondered. Since they were in grade school, and Akira grabbed Hikaru's hand to examine it for evidence of go playing? No, come to think of it, they never touched. In fact, he had never been touched. By anyone. his mother hugged him, yes. He shook hands with some foreign players, yes, but... the feeling of skin...
'Oh...why does it rattle me so much?' Akira thought, proceeding to grumble audibly. 'Moreover, why was my first instinct to grab it, and pull him closer to me? To feel more of him?'
Akira's frustrated groan echoed in the bathroom.
'Ugggh, how wretched! How perverse!'
Akira wondered where the feelings came from. His hands, he decided. But why? Is it because they could have touched more? More than just his shoulder?
He frantically shook his head.
Maybe his arms. His chest? What would that have felt like?
Excitement was growing somewhere under the water, in a certain organ he had least wanted it to.
"NO NO NO NO NO!" he cried, smacking his fists against the water like a child.
He had tried so hard to avoid the idea that those feelings were even remotely related to arousal. But he couldn't stop thinking, fantasizing about that feeling.
Soon, he couldn't fight it any longer. He allowed himself to become aroused so rarely that now... at this stage, he could not recover without giving in. With anguish, he closed his eyes, and let his hands drift through the water to their erect target. He leaned back whispering, "Shin...dou..." as he gave himself up to the fantasies he had tried so desperately to repress.
xxxxx
Thoroughly disgusted with himself for having fantasies about his best friend, Akira returned to his bedroom to find his phone beeping at him. There were a nine- NINE messages?
"Message 1: Sunday, 22:39. Touya, it's Shindou. Its about 23:00 and I was hoping we could make plans for tomorrow. Call me soon?
Message 2: Sunday, 23:11. Touya? Are you not back from the party? At least turn on your phone, okay? I have to make plans for tomorrow, so call.
Message 3: Sunday, 23:28. Touya, Shindou. Look, are you okay? You're not drunk in a ditch somewhere, right? If you're drunk, I'll pick you up, okay? Don't let Ogata do anything wierd to you."
Akira chuckled. Ogata was pretty disgusting last night.
"Message 4: Monday, 09:02. Touya, it's Shindou. Feeling better? My tutoring is almost over, and I wanted to give Yoshi a certain kifu to study. Do you remember that game, six years ago... Kuwabara-sensei played...someone. Ugh! I can't remember. Do you remember? It was really good. Oi, it's too early. You better be awake." There was a pause, and he whispered, "How much did you drink? Call me back?"
"Message 5: Monday, 09:37. Touya! Are you alive? What the hell?"
"Message 6: Monday, 09:59." Silence. Akira heard the click, and in the silence, could hear his fear. Hikaru really was worried that he was dead.
But there was more.
"Message 7: Monday, 13:01. Uh....Touya. I..." I cringed at the sadness in his voice. The rest of the message was muffled.
"Message 8: Monday, 13:33. Touya, it's...Touya I don't know what I did but...look, I don't want to be hated by you, okay, so...please..." Akira's heart was breaking. "Please tell me what I should do?"
'Oh God, what have I done' he thought. 'He's been through nearly 24 hours of worry at this point. What does he think I feel?'
"Message 9: Monday: 16:09. Touya! Touya, your phone rang. I know it's on now, so... please. When you feel like you can, just tell me what I did wrong? I can't..."
What had he done?
Akira stared at the phone. What could he do now? Shindou had been crushed by Akira's internal confusion. What had just happened? How much hurt had he caused his best friend?
When the phone rang in his hand, it shocked Akira not only out of my musings but out of chair as well. He landed on the floor, and the phone tumbled onto the tatami a few feet beyond him.
It was just his mother, checking on him.
xxxxx
Akira knew it was his move. Shindou would not call again, he had already make himself sound desperate enough. Akira had to fix this. He had to muster up the determination of his go, and fix his relationship with his best friend.
All he could manage was a phone email. "Please come over. I don't hate you. I'm sorry."
He didn't know what he was going to do or say when Hikaru arrived, but he had to, at least, alleviate his friend's grief as soon as possible. It was the least he could do right now. It took only about 20 minutes to reach Akira's house if Hikaru hopped on a subway right away. He had to assume he had only that much time to figure out what he would say.
Or so he thought.
Immediately, his phone chirped with a reply.
It said, "I'm here."
xxxxx
As Akira walked, carefully, towards the door, a sense of total fear rose up inside him. He wanted to resort to anger to hide it, like he did when Hikaru's post-game discussions challenged him. He wanted berate Hikaru about how pathetic it was for him to be waiting outside his door all this time. But when Akira opened the door, and saw him, his posturing anger melted away.
He was sitting on the step, his head in his hands, staring across the street.
All Akira could so was look at him. He couldn't say a word. He had forgotten how to speak.
The silence pervaded for a long time. Maybe six or seven minutes. Hikaru's mind was racing to find the right thing to say first, and Akira's, meanwhile, had gone completely, entirely blank.
Akira realized at that moment, that he loved him. More dearly than anything he had ever known.
Still looking away from his friend, Hikaru began to speak. "I know..." his voice shook. "I know how pathetic I must look."
Akira wanted to shout 'no, no you aren't pathetic!' But he was still mute.
"I'm calling you over and over, like a possessive mother. Watching over you like a nanny. Loosing sleep and focus, Oh God, look at me!" He laughed in a tired, and sick way. As if he were at his wits end.
"I'm so sorry you have to see me like this. I'd tell you you won't have to see me again, but you will, because we are professionals of Go. We will see each other several times a week in matches and events. There's nothing we can do about it, so..." he turned around and his rival's eyes. "So we have to talk, and make it okay."
Akira's heart broke when he saw his face, wrecked with worry. But still, no words would come out.
"I wasn't thinking... I mean, last night, I didn't think that worrying about you so much...would look so pathetic. I mean..." He inhaled, obviously put off by the fact that Akira could do nothing but stare at him. So he turned away again. "It made sense then. No one was home, you were wierd when I walked you home. I thought, if he dies of alcohol poisoning, no one will know until his parents get back in three days. How would I feel if that happened?"
Akira ached. But he still could not speak.
"But I know how you must have felt. A grown man, doting on you like that. I'm so sorry. Calling you over and over... busting into your house...I'm sorry...but..."
He lowered his face into his palms.
"But I thought we were close enough that that would be okay. I was wrong, so... please. Please forgive me."
Akira had never ever seen Shindou so vulnerable before. Not after his most crushing losses. Not when his grandfather died. This was his most sincere.
Words failed him, because there were no words for what he needed to say. There was nothing in Akira's vocablary to communicate that everything was alright, everything he did was alright, and that there was nothing he needed to be forgiven for.
So Akira fell to his knees and embraced him. He wrapped his arms around Hikaru so tightly, that were he not the fit Shindou he knew, I might have suffocated him. He had never held on to something so dearly, so fiercely, in his entire life. Touch was not dirty. It was communication. It was a language beyond words. He hung on so tightly that he thought he might break himself. Shindou, facing away from Akira, could not hug him back, but Akira could feel- because Hikaru was wrapped up in him- he could feel Hikaru's soul lighten. He felt him relax. His muscles loosened, and his breath steadied. He thought he could even feel him smile.
After a long moment, Hikaru put his hand over Akira's. Instead of fearing it, he savored it. And Akira smiled too.
A long minute later, Akira sat up, and slowly let go of his friend's body. Hikaru took his time inhaling loudy, exhaling, and turning around to face Akira. In a final act of beauty, he reached his hand up to Akira's cheek, and brushed it gently. With this, he said "Thank you."
As the energy adjusted back to normal, clearing the debris of that fitful tension, Akira sat down next to him. They looked out into the street. After a moment, Akira said "I've gotta get things in order."
"Hmm?" Shindou asked.
"I haven't been out of the house in almost 20 hours. And it's a wreck in there. I feel like a train thats been derailed."
"Ah," he replied.
"But I feel better, now, Shindou." Akira smiled. It felt good. "Thank you for worrying."
As Akira beamed at him, he noticed how free he was becoming. Some wall had cracked in Akira's heart, revealing its sensitive insides. Akira wanted to show Hikaru that he was not alone in sharing his vulnerability. But as he was new to this sort of thing, Hikaru got a little freaked out.
"T...touya..." he stammered. His face began to flush.
"W- what is it?" Akira shouted, turning scarlet himself.
"N...nothing," he replied, turning away. "I'll let you..." But Akira grabbed his arm as he began to stand up, pulling him back down with a thud.
"Tell me," Akira demanded.
"Ahhhhh, nooo, Touya, you're scary again, I take it back!" he hollared, trying to wrench his arm from Akira's grip. He grabbed on with both hands. For his frail physique, he managed to keep a good hold on his friend. In the tussle, they has fallen into a pile on the floor. Akira turned over, his face over Hikaru's as he lay facing up.
"Shindou... tell me what you were thinking."
Hikaru sighed in defeat. He closed his eyes for a beat, and then opened them, looking at his rival square in the eyes.
"Touya. Don't laugh at me, okay. But, when you smiled at me... you really, really smiled at me, for the first time ever. I thought it may have been the happiest moment of my life."
-End of chapter 1.
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