FicWad

Ray
I don't know what happened after that. I guess I passed out. Whatever happened, the next morning I had a headache but was unfortunately still in possession of my memories. Goddamnit

Mikey was alone in his bunk across from mine, but beyond that I was alone, and I was still sitting in my bunk, praying for the strength to move, when Danielle came in. I tried to see if she seemed different. If she had...
No. No, I couldn't think about that.
Probably not, right? She wouldn't. She hadn't...
Her hair was pulled back now. She was in a tank and shorts instead of her outfit from last night. What did that mean? If she had...spent the night with that boy, would she still be in her clothes from before? I couldn't even guess.

She sat down on Mikey's bunk, moving his feet out of the way, and smiled at me. Her eyes were wide, sparkling. Not drunk or hungover. Maybe she hadn't...

"You feel all right?"

"Yeah." My voice was rough. It cracked. Great, just great.

"I wouldn't figure you as such a lightweight."

I shrugged.

Her smile fell. "You know, when we first met, I thought we'd become friends really quickly. But I feel like I don't know you well at all."

I didn't say anything. "You're real quiet. But you seem to...I don't know...."

"What?"

"It's just that everyone knows you're a genius." I could feel my cheeks burning. Please don't blush. "Everyone knows you think all the time, but nobody knows what you think."

Please don't blush. "I'd tell you, if you asked."

"I get a question?"

I thought a moment. "Yeah, yeah, if I get one for you."

"Hmmm, okay. That's fair. Let me think a moment.... Do you think anyone else exists?"

"What?"

She laughed. "I mean, are you solipsistic? Is it just you and your thoughts under that 'fro? Or do other people play a part? Are we all just pawns in the great mind of Ray Toro? Or do we think? Do we exist?"

I had to think about it, that's for sure. "I don't really know. Some people...live, but don't think. Worse still, some exist but don't live. Some think but don't...do anything else." Like me.

"Do I exist, to you?" she asked after a pause.

"Yeah. Yeah, I think so." She smiled at that. Please don't blush. "Uh. Anyway, that was two questions. So I get two." Danielle laughed and threw her hair over her shoulder, exposing skin that had two seconds ago been covered. "BWS," I murmured, pointing at the italicized tattoo along her collarbone. "What's that stand for? Beer Wine Spirits?"

"Guhffffahh!" she exclaimed. "No."

"So what's it stand for?"

"Uh. Promise you won't make fun of me." I made the scout's honor symbol. "It means,'Bleed without shame.'"

"What's that mean to you?"

"Okay, that's your second question." She paused significantly. "It means...understanding that life is fucking painful. Acknowledging that it's painful...to the world. Being honest and open about your pain, not apologizing for it. Being vulnerable...I think that's beautiful."

There was an extended silence, before I cleared my throat. "Yeah. Yeah, I agree." She smiled and leaned back so that her body draped over Mikey's, then laughed. He twitched in his sleep but didn't react.

I felt my face go slack. Feigning blankness, I always turn from wide wheel of the world and choke on sobs, but no one can tell. And here I was just sitting here, unbearably cognizant that the giggling girl in front me had no clue how much I bled for her.