FicWad

I stared at her lifeless body for a very long time. Many times I had imagined her dying and thought she was dead, but never had I imagined leaning over her dead body like this. I hated the way her eyes were glazed over in an unmoving stare and the way she had clenched up her fists into tight balls. I wondered if dying had been painful for her. I hoped with all my might that she had just died in her sleep or that she had died quickly. Maybe she hadn't lived the best life possible, but she wasn't an evil person and didn't deserve any extra pain. She deserved to go straight up to Heaven if such a place existed.

I slowly reached my hands out and closed both of my mom's eyes for the very last time. After her eyes were shut, I threw a blanket over her limp figure and tried to figure out what to do next. She would obviously need a funeral of some sort. How was I going to put a funeral together though? I didn't think she had any friends who would want to attend anyway. Maybe I should just have a small funeral for myself and her out in the backyard.

Thinking I should start digging a grave, I turned and started heading towards the backdoor. I had only taken three steps when my legs failed me. They were shaking like jelly and refused to carry me another step forward. That was when I realized my whole body was shaking and quivering. Tears started flooding through my eyes and poured down my cheeks. Without another thought, I dropped to the floor and buried my head in my hands as I let out tears for the mother I would never speak to again.

I cried for her soul, for the relationship we had never had, and partially for myself. After all, I was now completely alone in the world. I had this little shack all to myself now. The thought of that sort of creeped me out. I didn't think I wanted to live alone. True, I turned seventeen in a month and could legally live by myself, but that didn't change the fact that I didn't like living alone. What the hell was I suppose to do now? A million questions continued to whiz through my brain as the tears spilled out. I was living a lonely, confused life with now idea of what to do next. First James had left me, and now my mom. What next?

I stayed in the bedroom for a very long time. Even after my tears had dried up, I continued to sit motionless on the floor, drowning in my own sorrow. Just when I was thinking that maybe I should try to get up now, there was a click from the bedroom door. I instantly thought it was an invader and jumped to my feet to be prepared to attack if necessary.

But there was no need for attack. James stood in the doorway with a smile on his face. When he got a good look at my tear-stained, makeup-smeared face, his expression quickly changed. The smile disappeared and a concerned frowned replaced it. He walked towards me and gently placed his arms around me in a hug. A hug was really just what I needed right then. Sometimes small things like hugs can make all the difference in situations like these. I let James hug me and leaned against his shoulder, taking in his scent and breathing in deeply as I tried to calm myself.

After we embraced for a few minutes, James asked quietly, "What is it? Did something happen?" Not trusting myself to speak, I leaned away from James and pointed at the bundle under the blanket on the bed. James looked quizzically at the blanket as if not sure what to expect. He walked around to the side of the bed and lifted up the corner of the blanket. When he saw the face of my mother, his eyes widened with a mixture of sadness and horror.

He quickly returned to my side and started to hug me again. However, this time, I remembered what Kitty had told me. James didn't really love me, he only felt sorry for me. Abruptly, I pushed James away and backed towards the corner with an expression on accusation on my face. My unsteady emotions were boiling up around me and I felt ready to explode. James looked at me with hurt written all over his face. He cocked his head at me and waited for an explanation.

"Why the hell are you even here?" I asked a lot louder than was needed. "You're not here because you love me, are you? You're here because you felt sorry for a stupid, little bitch like me who couldn't take care of herself. In reality, you really love Kitty, but you just feel like you should pretend to be with me so I won't try to kill myself or do something freaky, isn't that right?"

I was out of breath after my little outburst and my eyes flashed dangerously. James, obviously taken aback by my sudden outrage, shook his head, "No, no, it's not at all like that. I liked you from the day I met you. Remember how I sat with you the first day at school? I could've sat with Kitty, but I didn't. I liked you and you only."

"That's not true," I spat back. "Don't you fucking lie to me. You felt sorry for me because I was sitting all alone. That's all there is to it. You felt sorry for me and that's how this whole mess got started. You thought you could pretend that you were in love with me and that I would be too stupid to notice that it was pretend." By now, my cheeks were red and my hands were shaking from anger kept inside for much too long. I should've let it out a very long time ago.

James was getting kind of angry at this point. He was scowling at me and his blonde hair was getting a little frizzy, "Olivia, you know that's not true. Even if I did feel sorry for you, wouldn't that just prove that I cared for you? And if I cared for you, that what mean I really did love you. So can we quit talking shit? I think you're just looking for a fight right now. Something to take your anger out on." I thought about James' words for a moment. I didn't want to admit it, but he was absolutely right. I didn't really believe the things I was saying, I just wanted to be angry at something right now. My mom's death had really taken a toll on me.

I quieted down and a few small tears poured out of the corner of my eye. I sank down the wall and sat on the floor, and stared up at James. His expression immediately softened and he leaned down to sit besides me. We didn't speak for a few minutes. Silence was sometimes the best thing in a difficult situation. But after a few moments had passed, James leaned close to me and whispered, "Who told you that I didn't love you? Is Kitty giving you all this shit?"

I glanced up at him from the corner of my eye, surprising he knew it was Kitty. Slowly, I nodded. James' face contorted angrily and he hissed, "That bitch! I'll make her pay one of these days." That was the moment when I realized that James really was over Kitty. The glint of anger in his eyes and the vein throbbing in his throat showed that he genuinely was angry at Kitty. That meant that James really was here in my house right now because he loved me. It was as simple as that.

The thought took my tears away, and miraculously, I found a small smile forming on my lips. The anger in James' eyes dissolved as he looked into my face. The next thing I knew, he had pulled me against him and was kissing my lips ever so gently. A lover's kiss always made things better. I closed my eyes and just let myself feel.

~ ~ ~ ~

The two of us exchanged sweet kisses for a long time. I don't really remember how long we sat there together. Time sort of gets lost when you're having such a good time. The longer we kissed, the more passionate our kisses seemed to get. We had started out kissing by barely brushing against each other's lips and placing our hands lightly around each other. Now...well, now wasn't quite so innocent. We were kissing fervently with me sucking hard on James' lower lip. I kneaded it in between my lips and let my hands creep up his chest in a very sensual way. James was kissing me back just as passionately and I could feel one of his hands dropping towards my ass while the other hand started pressing me tightly against his body. I could literally feel the heat coming off of James' body. That's just how steamy that atmosphere had gotten.

But it had to stop. I couldn't let this keep going. There was a crazy, wild part inside me that wanted to knock James onto his back, rip off that thin T-shirt he was wearing, and unbutton his pants. I couldn't listen to that part of me though. I was not some crazy, sex-starved creature who wanted to have sex on the bedroom floor in a room with her dead mother. Ew, that was kind of a creepy thought now that I thought of it further.

I was so caught up in my thoughts that I hadn't realized that James had somehow managed to get his hands under my shirt and was playing with the clamp of my bra strap while kissing me all the while. There was a crazy adrenaline raging in my body that was preventing me from saying or doing anything to stop him. If I was being honest with myself, I had to admit that I liked the way James was acting with me. I wanted James to tear my clothes off, touch my breasts, stroke me gently, and just make love to me. Oh god, I really was losing it. This needed to stop. Now.

James pushed me lightly onto my back so I was lying underneath him. When we separated from our kiss to come up for air, I gasped, "W-we need to s-stop." James caught his breath and the look of hysteria that had filled his eyes moments before was replaced by a look of horror. Looking guilty, James immediately climbed off of me and stammered, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that. I don't know what's gotten into me lately-"

I cut him off, "It's okay. Maybe someday, but just not now, okay? It would creep me out to have sex in a room with the dead." James blushed and looked over at the bed nodding. He helped me sit up and pulled my shirt back down. I shivered under James' touch as he ran his hand down my side. There was no time to think about that now though. Now, I needed to think about what I was going to do about my mom. I couldn't leave her here obviously. She would need to be buried.

"Uh, James?" I asked, still a little breathless from our kiss. James raised an eyebrow at me, still a little red in the face. I could tell he was a little embarrassed about what had happened earlier. I couldn't help but wonder if he would've gone all the way with me if I hadn't stopped him. Something told me that he probably would've. After all, he had done the thing with Kitty in the school's gym closet! I couldn't quite get my thoughts about sex straightened around though. Having sex with someone you loved was obviously suppose to be a pleasurable thing. Being raped hadn't been enjoyable, but that would be different than having sex, right? I didn't really know. There was only one way to find out.

"We should probably go bury my mom or something. We can't leave her to rot on the bed. Besides, knowing me, I won't get a wink of sleep tonight if she stays here. You wouldn't mind...uh...helping me dig a grave for her, would you?" I asked. I knew it was big favor, but there was no way I was going to be able to get my mom out of the bed and dig a grave alone.

James quickly washed away my fears, "Yeah, of course I don't mind. I can dig the grave and stuff. Do you have a shovel or anything? It would be a lot easier if you did."