Categories > Original > Humor > The Suicidal Immortal 2
-Derek dragged himself home, blood dripping from his lip, his knuckles already too swollen to flex his fingers. It was just another wonderful day of high school dealing with idiots and assholes. He walked through the door of the empty house and made his way to the freezer to get an ice pack.
-It wasn't every day he had to fight off the entire football team, it was every other day. This time the cause was a stuck up cheerleader that had gotten it into her head that it was Derek's duty to do her homework for her just because she was a whore. When he had refused she had gone and told the star quarter back who happened to be her boyfriend that Derek had been saying nasty things about her and the rest was history.
-He put the ice on his hand and plopped down to play a video game. A few hours of beating hookers to death with a baseball bat should make him feel a little better, even if it was just a game. He popped in the disk and waited while the load screen came up. After a few seconds he was rewarded with a disk read error message.
-Derek sighed and went over to the system; he took out the disk, cleaned it off, blew in the slot and tried again. And again he was treated to an error message. Without so much as a flickering eyebrow Derek left his room and plopped down on the couch in the living room and turned on the TV.
-His favorite show was just about to come on, hopefully that would help Derek forget about his lousy day. He watched the credits of the show that was currently on and waited through the commercials then just before his show was about to start the TV went blank for a second and he was shown a message saying the channel was temporarily unavailable.
-Derek combed his fingers through his hair thinking. He changed the channel and every other channel was working fine. He returned to the channel that he wanted and found it was still out. After waiting several minutes Derek was forced to accept that he would not be watching his show today. He turned off the TV and tossed the remote on the table.
-His aggravation starting to get the better of him Derek sat down at the computer, if nothing else maybe he could have fun killing newbies on his favorite mmorpg. He clicked on the icon and after several seconds was informed that his computer failed to connect to the internet.
-He checked the modem and sure enough the activity light was off. He disconnected and reconnected it and tried again and again was met with failure. He reset his computer but still he was denied. Not only that but when the computer came back on it started a physical memory dump which meant the thing wouldn't work for at least half an hour.
-"...son of a bitch." Derek got up from the seat and made his way to the kitchen just in time to see his old dog Brutus puke all over the floor. Derek stared at his dog for a long while before shaking his head and grabbing a paper towel to clean up the mess.
-Afterwards Derek looked in the fridge and found nothing to eat, not that he was still in the mood anyway. He resigned himself to watching a movie. He got his favorite VHS tape and placed it into the VCR. Several seconds later he heard a strange mechanical noise and realized that it had eaten the tape.
-"...GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING SON OF A FILTHY WHORE!" Derek screamed as he brought his fist down on the VCR so hard that the device was smashed. Enough was enough, every single day he went through more of the same and he was sick of it.
-He went into the bathroom and filled the tub with water. After retrieving a toaster from the kitchen he plugged it in and stepped into the cool water. Derek felt no fear at all; even the pits of hell would be a welcome change to the insufferable misery of his wretched existence. All he had to do was drop the toaster.
-"God, I hope you're up there. Because when I get my hands on you I'm gunna cut my fucking name in your chest!" Derek pushed down the tabs on the toaster and let it go. Then everything went black.
-For a brief moment Derek wasn't sure what had happened. He hadn't felt a thing, no pain, no fire. He still felt the water around his ankles and his own heart beat. He stepped out of the tub and walked out of the room. The entire house was dark.
-"You've got to be fucking kidding me," Derek said as he realized what had occurred. He went downstairs and checked the breakers sure enough a fuss had blown just before the toaster had hit the water. He considered resetting the breakers and trying again when he heard the door upstairs open.
-"Derek," his mother yelled, "what did you do to the VCR?"
-It wasn't every day he had to fight off the entire football team, it was every other day. This time the cause was a stuck up cheerleader that had gotten it into her head that it was Derek's duty to do her homework for her just because she was a whore. When he had refused she had gone and told the star quarter back who happened to be her boyfriend that Derek had been saying nasty things about her and the rest was history.
-He put the ice on his hand and plopped down to play a video game. A few hours of beating hookers to death with a baseball bat should make him feel a little better, even if it was just a game. He popped in the disk and waited while the load screen came up. After a few seconds he was rewarded with a disk read error message.
-Derek sighed and went over to the system; he took out the disk, cleaned it off, blew in the slot and tried again. And again he was treated to an error message. Without so much as a flickering eyebrow Derek left his room and plopped down on the couch in the living room and turned on the TV.
-His favorite show was just about to come on, hopefully that would help Derek forget about his lousy day. He watched the credits of the show that was currently on and waited through the commercials then just before his show was about to start the TV went blank for a second and he was shown a message saying the channel was temporarily unavailable.
-Derek combed his fingers through his hair thinking. He changed the channel and every other channel was working fine. He returned to the channel that he wanted and found it was still out. After waiting several minutes Derek was forced to accept that he would not be watching his show today. He turned off the TV and tossed the remote on the table.
-His aggravation starting to get the better of him Derek sat down at the computer, if nothing else maybe he could have fun killing newbies on his favorite mmorpg. He clicked on the icon and after several seconds was informed that his computer failed to connect to the internet.
-He checked the modem and sure enough the activity light was off. He disconnected and reconnected it and tried again and again was met with failure. He reset his computer but still he was denied. Not only that but when the computer came back on it started a physical memory dump which meant the thing wouldn't work for at least half an hour.
-"...son of a bitch." Derek got up from the seat and made his way to the kitchen just in time to see his old dog Brutus puke all over the floor. Derek stared at his dog for a long while before shaking his head and grabbing a paper towel to clean up the mess.
-Afterwards Derek looked in the fridge and found nothing to eat, not that he was still in the mood anyway. He resigned himself to watching a movie. He got his favorite VHS tape and placed it into the VCR. Several seconds later he heard a strange mechanical noise and realized that it had eaten the tape.
-"...GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING SON OF A FILTHY WHORE!" Derek screamed as he brought his fist down on the VCR so hard that the device was smashed. Enough was enough, every single day he went through more of the same and he was sick of it.
-He went into the bathroom and filled the tub with water. After retrieving a toaster from the kitchen he plugged it in and stepped into the cool water. Derek felt no fear at all; even the pits of hell would be a welcome change to the insufferable misery of his wretched existence. All he had to do was drop the toaster.
-"God, I hope you're up there. Because when I get my hands on you I'm gunna cut my fucking name in your chest!" Derek pushed down the tabs on the toaster and let it go. Then everything went black.
-For a brief moment Derek wasn't sure what had happened. He hadn't felt a thing, no pain, no fire. He still felt the water around his ankles and his own heart beat. He stepped out of the tub and walked out of the room. The entire house was dark.
-"You've got to be fucking kidding me," Derek said as he realized what had occurred. He went downstairs and checked the breakers sure enough a fuss had blown just before the toaster had hit the water. He considered resetting the breakers and trying again when he heard the door upstairs open.
-"Derek," his mother yelled, "what did you do to the VCR?"
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