FicWad

It’s been a month. A month since Gerard saw me succumbing to my addiction. A month since I promised him I’d do my best to stop and about two weeks since I broke that promise.

Of course, I haven’t told him. He’d kill me if I didn’t beat him to it. Since that day, Gerard’s been home a hell of a lot more and watching me whenever he can. He makes sure I eat every piece of every meal he or our mother makes. When I go to the bathroom, I swear he’s always outside the door or walks past every few minutes, listening. I was doing fine for the first two weeks, as miserable as I felt, but after those first two weeks, Gerard had to work a lot more again. He wasn’t at home as much and I didn’t even try and maintain my clean slate. I went straight back into it. Honestly, try and see it from my point of view. You may as well give a five year old kid a roll of bubble wrap and say “Leave it…”.

Not cool.

I’m finishing a session of puking and cutting when I clean myself up and open the door.

I almost have a heart attack when I see Gerard, my mother and my father standing on the other side.

My insides freeze from the shock and my heart breaks when I see the look of complete and utter disappointment and worry on my brothers face. Nothing is worse than when your best friend is disappointed in you. I repeat, nothing in the whole world is worse. My mother looks frightened and my father seems to be completely and utterly confused.

“Oh, my god, Mikey.” My mother whispers as she steps forward and tries to pull me into a hug. “What’s happening to you?”

Fantastic. Gerard told them and now they’ve half-witnessed it too. There is no way in hell that I am letting this happen again.

“No!” I scream, pushing her away. “No! None of you saw this! None of you!” I slip past her and run to the front door. I must look like a real crazy person. I act as though they just saw me strangle and drown someone.

“Mikey, come back!” I hear Gerard yell, “Don’t you dare fucking run again!”

I choose to ignore this plea as I hear my father scolding Gerard for swearing. I swing the front door open and run as fast as my lanky legs can carry me. I’m not entirely sure where it is I’m going, but I am certainly not ready to go back and face my family. I run down the street towards the park. The sky is orange from the sun setting in the horizon. I was never one to run away from my problems. Well, I wasn’t before this shit started. What the hell am I doing? I ask myself that question over and over again as I run into the park Gerard and I only visited on rare occasions when we were kids. I take refuge in the shelter underneath the jungle gym. Hoping to god no one from my family will find me, I simply sit down and hug my knees to my chest, rocking back and forth, crying. I’d really done it, now. Oh, god. Why did Gerard have to find out? Everything would be fine if he never found out. I’m an idiot for not locking the door. One simple thing I had to do and this wouldn’t be bothering me.

The smallest mistake has the biggest consequence and I’m definitely not happy, right now.

These thoughts continue to fill my head as the sun goes down and disappears taking all the light of day with it. The cool night breeze begins to blow and I shiver involuntarily. You don’t realize how scary one place can be until you’ve been there at night. All is silent except for the sounds of my heavy breathing and occasional sobs. I could see my breath hanging around in the air, looking like smoke. I watch it for a while before I feel my eyelids begin to feel heavy and sink. Sleeping in a park is the last thing I want to do, right now, but I suddenly feel so tired. I can’t help it when my eyes finally close and I fall asleep, slowly falling into a small ball as I do so.

*

When I regain my senses, my eyes are still closed. At first, I’m slightly confused, but then I remember everything. I’m meant to be in the park, right? Right…So, why is whatever I’m lying on moving? I decide to open my eyes. When I do, I am not in the park. I see a brown roof. Yeah, I’m confused. I rub my eyes and slowly sit up and then it hits me; I’m in a car. Our family’s car. What the hell?

I feel a hand on my shoulder. “Mikey?” Gerard whispers. I turn around to see him sitting across from where I had just been lying down. His eyes are red and swollen. He has definitely been crying. Oh, yay.

“Gee, what’s going on?” I ask.

“Uh…” My brother turns toward my parents who are both at the front. My father is driving and my mother looks like she’s crying. Gerard looks at them as if expecting them to say something, but neither of them do.

“Gee.” I bring him back to my question.

“W-We’re taking you some place, Mikes. Somewhere where you can get better. Don‘t even worry about it.” He attempted a smile, but I saw right through it.

“What place? What the hell is going on?! Gee, let’s go home. We‘re going home, right?!” I plead, beginning to panic. Where the fuck are they taking me? Gerard turns away from me, lets his hand drop from my shoulder and stares out the window, biting his lip. I know that look too well. He’s trying not to cry.

“Mom?” I ask. “Mom, where are we going?”

I receive no response except for her quiet sobs. I asked my dad this time and all he did was cough and ignore me. I don’t understand why no one will tell me anything more. Not even Gerard…

I grab his shoulder gently and ask again. “Gerard. Where are we going? Please tell me.”

My brother just shakes his head and lets a few tears fall.

Well, this is fan-fucking-tastic. I look around the car to the space in the back. Two of my ‘going away’ bags are packed with stuff. My stuff? Probably. I’m going somewhere and that’s all I know. I’m not sure how long we’ve been driving for or how long I’ve been asleep, but the sun looks as though it has just come up. Someone must’ve found me sometime during the night. I desperately try to make sense of where I could possibly be going until the car stops. I look out the window and nearly open the car door and run away again when my eyes fall upon our destination.

We’ve stopped outside a building, and what else does that building say other than ‘Belleville Psychiatric Institution’.

“No! Not this!” I cry, clinging onto Gerard. “You can’t be serious. I won’t do it again! I’ll be good, I swear! Please don’t, Gee! Please!” It’s no use. He opens the door, climbs out and shuts it in my face. The door I’m closest to is opened by my father and he has to pull me out by my arms. I beg and scream for them to take me home. No one’s listening to me. Gerard grabs my bags from the car and as much as I struggle, my father refuses to let me go.

“We just want you to get better, son.” He tells me, sternly. Hardly any empathy from him, I see.

“I can do it myself!” I scream. “Don’t do this to me! Please! Gerard, tell them I can do this!”

Gerard doesn’t say anything. He just drops my bags and takes me from my dad’s grip. Now, my dad is going to get my bags and Gerard is the one holding me and keeping me from running away again. At least it isn’t an army man grip, like my dad had. He’s holding me in what would be a hug if I didn’t keep trying to struggle and release myself from him. I was so busy struggling that I didn’t entirely notice that Gerard had pulled me inside the building and we are now standing in a reception-esque room. My father is talking to some lady who just looks at me and nods then proceeds to walk through a door exiting the room. My father walks over to my mother and holds her close as they both walk over to my brother and I.

“Please, guys, don’t do this to me. This is completely irrational! Please.” I beg. I’m crying so hard I can hardly control it. My entire body feels weak and my stomach hurts like someone has just kicked me.

“It won’t be long, son. Just until you’re okay again. We’re doing this for you.” My father tells me.

“I love you, baby. Remember that.” My mother says, still crying. She strokes my face with her hand and places a kiss on my forehead, then returns to my father’s arms. The two of them walk out back to the car without looking back once. I turn to Gerard.

“No…no…Gerard, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. P-Please! Let’s go home. I’ve learnt my lesson, okay? I’m scared shitless. Game over. Let’s go, please! This is so stupid! I don‘t need to be here. I‘ll do it myself. Let‘s just go home!”

“Mikey.” Gerard says, crying also. He pulls me into yet another hug. “I don’t want you to go either, but I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want you to do this anymore.”

“I won’t!” I cry into his chest. “You’re not even giving me a chance! Please, don’t let them take me…I won’t do it again, I promise!”

“That’s what you said last time, Mikes.”

“I’m sorry, Gerard! I can keep promises now. Please, listen to me!” I cry so hard it hurts. My brother’s disappointment in me is by far the worst thing I could possibly deal with, right now.

“Please, Mikey. I’ll visit you all the time, okay? I just want you to be alright again. I want my little baby brother back. Then we can go back to the way we were, remember? Playing X-Box, watching Star Wars and ordering pizza when mom and dad weren‘t home.”

“What do you mean you want your little brother back?! I’m still here! I never left.”

“You did, Mikes. You changed, you disappeared. This needs to happen. You‘re practically killing yourself.” His voice is drenched in pain. Gerard pulls away from me and holds my shoulders, looking me dead in the eye. “I don’t wanna watch you do that. I love you. This is for your own good. Trust me.”

I shake my head, tears still falling freely. My glasses are starting to fog up from how much I cry.

“You love me, right?”

I whimper and nod my head.

“So, trust me. You know you can trust me.”

“But, Gee, I wanna go home, please!”

“You can’t. Not right now.” He looks past me and nods. “You have to go now, Mikes. So do I.”

“No! GEE! No! Please don’t make me, Gee! Please don‘t make me!” I yell, clutching onto him with all my might, but he only pushes me off to look at me again.

“I can’t. I‘m sorry.” He pulls me in for one last quick hug and lets me go again, tears still streaming from his eyes. “I love you.”

He kisses the top of my head, turns and walks out the door of the clinic.

How convenient, he turns and looks back in time to see two doctors dragging me away since I refused to be taken. I scream and thrash my body around as much as I possibly can, but it’s no use. They’re too strong for me, but it doesn’t stop me screaming. I scream and scream and scream and scream until my throat hurts. Even then, I keep on screaming, hoping it‘ll help my situation, somehow. I have no idea where they’re taking me. All I know is that I‘ve been taken past the doors of the reception area and down hospital-looking halls.

So, I scream.

I scream because I’m scared. I scream because I don’t want to be here. I scream because of how badly I’ve fucked things up for myself. My screaming ceases however, when I feel a sharp pain in my arm. I look down. Oh, joy. A needle. Now, everyone is going to think I’m completely insane. At least, in the movies, all the insane people get a needle stabbed into them. Well, either they’re insane or have epic anger issues and I didn’t want to be classified as either of those people. As expected, I soon black out from whatever the hell was in that stupid needle.

What a great first day in this hellhole.

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