Categories > Celebrities > 30 Seconds to Mars > Darkness Of Flashbacks
- Lie awake in bed at night and think about your life -
April 29th, 2007
Jared began his day with the usual rituals that he had gotten in Martha's. He got into the shower and cleaned himself properly to make sure that the subtle, but still horrible, smell from the old bed vanished from his body and went down the drain. The person in the mirror that looked back with blank and expressionless eyes wasn't the same person that he had been a year ago when the terrible things had started to happen. Jared had used to be very keen about his appearance and the way he looked. Always testing new hairstyles and kept himself fit by exercising when there was a gap in his busy schedule.
Now he was rough all over. Jared's hair was just a bunch of lifeless, brown strands that just hung there. It didn't have a purpose, and it didn't look good either. He just didn't care anymore. The moment he was found that devastating day in February a new Jared had been born. That new Jared was determined not to talk, and pushed back all of the bad memories into the back of his mind. A place so dusty and full of awful shadows that it was necessary to forget the memories of the past. Some words, smells and objects trigger those memories to come alive once again though. The flashbacks came regularly and was nothing that Jared could control at all.
The lock in the door to Jared's room clicked open and a guard walked inside the room. "Hey, you. You have a visitor." The guard yelled and watched the broken down man without hope in front of him. Jared recognized the voice of the guard. When he was trying to sleep at night he could hear the guards talking as the walls weren't soundproof at all. Jared knew that the guard's name was Valentino, and that he had a young daughter who obviously liked to party a lot. He had also heard that Valentino had an affair with one of the psychiatrists inside the institution. Loads of unimportant information that Jared had no use of whatsoever.
Jared let Valentino cuff his hands and take him down the corridor to the room where the criminals sometimes got to talk to someone from the outside under supervision. When Jared got there he saw his older brother Shannon sitting in one of the booths. As they got closer to the drummer, Jared noticed the stream of tears that ran down Shannon's eyes. He would feel guilt and compassion if he would have been capable of having feelings. Valentino dragged Jared inside the booth and pushed him down on a seat opposite to Shannon. Valentino himself stood beside the two brothers to watch the scene.
Shannon stared at his brother in disbelief, it was the first time he had seen him after the trials and the sentence. It hurt him deeply to know that his own flesh and blood was capable of killing, and then act so cold like nothing had happened. "What the fucking fuck, dude?" Shannon screamed, but choked on the words and his own tears. He couldn't believe how Jared could be so stupid and throw everything they had down the drain so swiftly. Something was off about his brother, but he couldn't figure out what. Shannon had never seen his brother so completely broken down and apathic. Jared didn't even pay attention to any of his brother's words as he silently fell into another flashback.
August 5th, 1978
Jared was seven at the time, and was just like a normal kid. He enjoyed playing in the sandbox with other children, and to drive his older brother crazy. Little Jared stood in the kitchen and looked longingly up towards the cookie-jar and thought of a plan to get them when his mother entered the room. She sighed loudly when she saw her son looking up after the green jar with pink dots on it. "Jared, sweetie, you'll have to wait until after dinner. Okay?" She said and smiled softly. Jared pretended like he hadn't had those thoughts about eating all of the cookies in the jar and shook his head. "I won't, ma." He answered politely, and then remembered something that had bothered him all day. His mother had turned around and fumbled with the dirty dishes.
Jared tucked at her skirt to get the full attention that he loved and craved. "Mom?" he asked with worry in his eyes.
"Yes Jared, what now? Don't you see I'm busy?" She snapped, a bit agitated with her son. Jared bit his lip and swallowed loudly. "Chris said that Shannon isn't my brother." Jared said and felt sad. He adored Shannon, as he was the older brother and the coolest person in the world. Chris was a kid who enjoyed sabotaging the other kid's sandcastles in the sandbox. His mother's body-language softened. "Why would he say such an awful thing? Of course you're brothers."
"He said that we can't be when I have bright eyes and Shannon has dark eyes." Jared said and wished that he also would have eyes that were a mix of green and brown. His mom wiped her wet hands on her jeans and crouched down to give her youngest son a hug. "Don't listen to Chris. God makes every single person different." She whispered and stroked Jared's hair lovingly. Then she got up slowly, holding on tightly to a kitchen-bench. "Why don't you go and tell your brother to go upstairs and pick up his toys?" She asked and rolled her eyes as Jared screamed with happiness. He loved to go to the basement where Shannon usually spent his days. If Jared didn't have a good reason to intrude his brother's privacy he would get real angry and hit Jared.
Shannon had got a drum-set for his ninth birthday and was mostly just in the basement to bang them with the drumstick all day long. He didn't like to have an audience, and Jared was forbidden to enter the area without having a good reason to do so. Jared almost tripped and fell in the stairs that he rushed down in excitement. Shannon instinctively dropped his drumsticks when his younger brother ran down the stairs. "What are you doing here? Leave!" Shannon snarled and got up to physically push his annoying brother up the stairs again. Jared giggled with joy and walked towards Shannon with pride. "Mom told me to go down here. She wants you to pick your toys up." He stated like he was a president and smiled when Shannon grunted in defeat. Shannon was wearing a black t-shirt with a white skull print that made Jared green of envy. He would love to have a cool shirt just like that, but knew that his brother would tear it to pieces if he even dared to mimic him.
"If I'm going upstairs, so are you. No way I'm letting you go anywhere near my drums." Shannon hissed. Jared agreed and walked up the stairs, but as soon as his brother was out of sight he snuck down again. When Shannon found him randomly banging the drums with his fists he got beaten down to the cold floor. Oh, brotherly love.
"Why aren't you answering me? Goddamn it Jared... It is all over the news. What the fuck did you do in there?" Shannon screamed as Jared snapped back from his flashback. Of course, he didn't respond or even show a sign of that he had heard anything. "I wouldn't take it so personal. He never says a word to anyone." Valentino said, and Shannon growled in despair. He curled his fists and slammed them on the table, still without getting a reaction. "I don't know you. You aren't my brother." Shannon howled and pushed Valentino aside as he escaped the booth. Jared sat down in the same position and stared at a fly on the wall and wished that he could be a bug too.
April 29th, 2007
Jared began his day with the usual rituals that he had gotten in Martha's. He got into the shower and cleaned himself properly to make sure that the subtle, but still horrible, smell from the old bed vanished from his body and went down the drain. The person in the mirror that looked back with blank and expressionless eyes wasn't the same person that he had been a year ago when the terrible things had started to happen. Jared had used to be very keen about his appearance and the way he looked. Always testing new hairstyles and kept himself fit by exercising when there was a gap in his busy schedule.
Now he was rough all over. Jared's hair was just a bunch of lifeless, brown strands that just hung there. It didn't have a purpose, and it didn't look good either. He just didn't care anymore. The moment he was found that devastating day in February a new Jared had been born. That new Jared was determined not to talk, and pushed back all of the bad memories into the back of his mind. A place so dusty and full of awful shadows that it was necessary to forget the memories of the past. Some words, smells and objects trigger those memories to come alive once again though. The flashbacks came regularly and was nothing that Jared could control at all.
The lock in the door to Jared's room clicked open and a guard walked inside the room. "Hey, you. You have a visitor." The guard yelled and watched the broken down man without hope in front of him. Jared recognized the voice of the guard. When he was trying to sleep at night he could hear the guards talking as the walls weren't soundproof at all. Jared knew that the guard's name was Valentino, and that he had a young daughter who obviously liked to party a lot. He had also heard that Valentino had an affair with one of the psychiatrists inside the institution. Loads of unimportant information that Jared had no use of whatsoever.
Jared let Valentino cuff his hands and take him down the corridor to the room where the criminals sometimes got to talk to someone from the outside under supervision. When Jared got there he saw his older brother Shannon sitting in one of the booths. As they got closer to the drummer, Jared noticed the stream of tears that ran down Shannon's eyes. He would feel guilt and compassion if he would have been capable of having feelings. Valentino dragged Jared inside the booth and pushed him down on a seat opposite to Shannon. Valentino himself stood beside the two brothers to watch the scene.
Shannon stared at his brother in disbelief, it was the first time he had seen him after the trials and the sentence. It hurt him deeply to know that his own flesh and blood was capable of killing, and then act so cold like nothing had happened. "What the fucking fuck, dude?" Shannon screamed, but choked on the words and his own tears. He couldn't believe how Jared could be so stupid and throw everything they had down the drain so swiftly. Something was off about his brother, but he couldn't figure out what. Shannon had never seen his brother so completely broken down and apathic. Jared didn't even pay attention to any of his brother's words as he silently fell into another flashback.
August 5th, 1978
Jared was seven at the time, and was just like a normal kid. He enjoyed playing in the sandbox with other children, and to drive his older brother crazy. Little Jared stood in the kitchen and looked longingly up towards the cookie-jar and thought of a plan to get them when his mother entered the room. She sighed loudly when she saw her son looking up after the green jar with pink dots on it. "Jared, sweetie, you'll have to wait until after dinner. Okay?" She said and smiled softly. Jared pretended like he hadn't had those thoughts about eating all of the cookies in the jar and shook his head. "I won't, ma." He answered politely, and then remembered something that had bothered him all day. His mother had turned around and fumbled with the dirty dishes.
Jared tucked at her skirt to get the full attention that he loved and craved. "Mom?" he asked with worry in his eyes.
"Yes Jared, what now? Don't you see I'm busy?" She snapped, a bit agitated with her son. Jared bit his lip and swallowed loudly. "Chris said that Shannon isn't my brother." Jared said and felt sad. He adored Shannon, as he was the older brother and the coolest person in the world. Chris was a kid who enjoyed sabotaging the other kid's sandcastles in the sandbox. His mother's body-language softened. "Why would he say such an awful thing? Of course you're brothers."
"He said that we can't be when I have bright eyes and Shannon has dark eyes." Jared said and wished that he also would have eyes that were a mix of green and brown. His mom wiped her wet hands on her jeans and crouched down to give her youngest son a hug. "Don't listen to Chris. God makes every single person different." She whispered and stroked Jared's hair lovingly. Then she got up slowly, holding on tightly to a kitchen-bench. "Why don't you go and tell your brother to go upstairs and pick up his toys?" She asked and rolled her eyes as Jared screamed with happiness. He loved to go to the basement where Shannon usually spent his days. If Jared didn't have a good reason to intrude his brother's privacy he would get real angry and hit Jared.
Shannon had got a drum-set for his ninth birthday and was mostly just in the basement to bang them with the drumstick all day long. He didn't like to have an audience, and Jared was forbidden to enter the area without having a good reason to do so. Jared almost tripped and fell in the stairs that he rushed down in excitement. Shannon instinctively dropped his drumsticks when his younger brother ran down the stairs. "What are you doing here? Leave!" Shannon snarled and got up to physically push his annoying brother up the stairs again. Jared giggled with joy and walked towards Shannon with pride. "Mom told me to go down here. She wants you to pick your toys up." He stated like he was a president and smiled when Shannon grunted in defeat. Shannon was wearing a black t-shirt with a white skull print that made Jared green of envy. He would love to have a cool shirt just like that, but knew that his brother would tear it to pieces if he even dared to mimic him.
"If I'm going upstairs, so are you. No way I'm letting you go anywhere near my drums." Shannon hissed. Jared agreed and walked up the stairs, but as soon as his brother was out of sight he snuck down again. When Shannon found him randomly banging the drums with his fists he got beaten down to the cold floor. Oh, brotherly love.
"Why aren't you answering me? Goddamn it Jared... It is all over the news. What the fuck did you do in there?" Shannon screamed as Jared snapped back from his flashback. Of course, he didn't respond or even show a sign of that he had heard anything. "I wouldn't take it so personal. He never says a word to anyone." Valentino said, and Shannon growled in despair. He curled his fists and slammed them on the table, still without getting a reaction. "I don't know you. You aren't my brother." Shannon howled and pushed Valentino aside as he escaped the booth. Jared sat down in the same position and stared at a fly on the wall and wished that he could be a bug too.
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