FicWad

“Jared! What the hell?” Shannon said looking down at me, “This is in so many newspapers it’s almost sickening.”
I didn’t reply, I couldn’t, you just don’t fuck the sister of the girl you think you-
Scratch that last, I can’t finish it. I can’t love her, it’s not worth it. All I see now is that look on her face that makes me want to die. It’s not fair.
Shannon knelt down, putting his hand on my shoulder, “You need to tell me what happened?”
My mouth felt like bubbling tar, sticky and awful, I didn’t feel like I could speak. I choked for a moment, “You know the girl? I found her… Fucked her sister and then went on a binge.”
Shannon’s mouth dropped open; it was like he had just been hit with a spade. “So this article on you being pissed drunk is an understatement right?”
I nodded and fiddled with the book again, “What should I do Shan?”
Shannon stood up and paced around, looking at me from the corners of his eyes. “I think you should just forget about her, about all of this.”
I thought for a moment, “I don’t think I can get through this.”
“You won’t be alone Jay, Tomo and me will help you every step of the way.”
I nodded solemnly and slowly, I didn’t want to try forgetting about the girl with the sonnet book. I gulped and closed my eyes; I didn’t want to stop thinking about her. I wanted to be with her, “I could apologize to her?” I suggested.
Shannon rolled his eyes, “Wouldn’t that be going back to square one? And besides tour soon! We can’t leave the fans hanging over some girl!”
I looked at him, twitching my head for a moment. “I need to go for a walk.”

I stood outside a large building, it towered over me. If I was to clone myself one hundred times and put each clone on my head it would still tower over me. I held the sonnet book open in my hands as I stared at the middle of the building, the only few windows where the lights were still on. I could only imagine this girl crying right now, I didn’t catch a good glimpse of her but my stomach told me it was the girl I wanted. I flicked page after page in the sonnet, looking sadly at it. I didn’t have the guts to face her yet, how could I look at the girl and not feel like a filthy tramp. I couldn’t even blame her sister- I should have known, I had thought about her so much that I should have been able to tell if it was her or not.
I continued to walk down the street, my eyes burned with tiredness but I didn’t want to sleep. If I went to sleep I would dream and if I dreamt I would dream of her eyes.
“Farewell! thou art too dear for my possessing,
And like enough thou know'st thy estimate:
The charter of thy worth gives thee releasing;
My bonds in thee are all determinate.
For how do I hold thee but by thy granting?
And for that riches where is my deserving?
The cause of this fair gift in me is wanting,
And so my patent back again is swerving.
Thyself thou gavest, thy own worth then not knowing,
Or me, to whom thou gavest it, else mistaking;
So thy great gift, upon misprision growing,
Comes home again, on better judgment making.
Thus have I had thee, as a dream doth flatter,
In sleep a king, but waking no such matter.”
I shouted to the waters as I stood over a bridge in the middle of the city, water ran wildly with the blinding moon. I rested the book on the railing of the bridge, repeating the sonnet sadly with outstretched arms; slowly I began to rip pages from it, one by one slowly, letting them fall slowly into the waters. I could see them dissolve into the water from the streetlamps. Only one or two cars dared pass that bridge while I was there and they passed quickly. I felt like they could feel my presence, if they came near me I would unleash hells fire as my own.
The last page.
I hadn’t read this one before; maybe I had skipped it every time I opened the book. Sonnet twenty-nine, in purple pen was scribbles and hearts surrounding it, with my free hand I pushed the cover of the book into the water; with my other I held it to my heart. I cried slowly, I had messed up. There was nothing I could do now. She knew who I was and maybe she now knew that I went looking for her. What if she were to move while I was preparing myself to face her? It could take years for me, what if I lost her again? I didn’t even know her second name. What if something awful happened to her? I would blame myself for not being there.
I pulled myself onto the railing of the bridge, standing on it with the single page pulled close to my heart. I looked at the water. It teased me. Laughed at me. If I died I wouldn’t be able to blame myself, she would be the one feeling guilty.
I looked into the blackness of the river, it would swallow me up easily, and I would let it. I sighed and looked up at the sky, would I go there if I did jump? I didn’t know. I was in pain. It hurt too much to even move from where I was standing. I didn’t want to live if I couldn’t ask Violet my questions, I needed to know.
I shuffled shyly towards the edge, it reminded me of my own song but I was no longer that man, it was like the doctors told me. I would be changed ever since that crash.
I could see the blazing white lights of the car that hit me again like a punch that had been thrown my way. I wobbled off balance as I screamed in pain, my head hurt and suddenly so did the rest of my body; I could feel the glass jammed in my face again. My hair hung down, I was upside down. The flashback made me howl in agony, “Violet! Violet!” I roared, clenching my stomach angrily.
“Jared! Please don’t jump!” A voice cried; I recognised it instantly.
“Violet!” I howled, I could feel hands around my waist but I couldn’t move, I was still frozen to the railing, I could almost feel the pain of the car-crash again.
An immediate whip against my waist, I fell heavily backwards, a quick crash against the pavement, a wail from under me and a wheezing breathe. “Jared, don’t be so stupid.”
I leapt up, I could see normally again, the light of the headlights in my flashback gone, “What happened?” I gasped, looking at the crippled girl on the floor.
“You almost fell in again.” She cried, not moving.
“Violet?” I bawled, dropping to her side.
“You crushed my ribs Jay.” She murmured.
She looked delicate and broken, her arms pointing the wrong way and her leg twisted, “I’ll ring an ambulance.” I cried, reaching towards her and pulling back repeatedly, I wanted to hold her, console her but that would cause more pain then pleasure.

The nurse nodded sadly at me, “You two don’t live easy lives do you.” The nurse looked familiar, the same that looked after me when I was hospital bound. “I don’t know why she didn’t come here when she broke those ribs the first time.” The woman ranted, flicking her auburn hair back, “She’s insane!”
“What do you mean the first time?” I asked, Violet was sleeping, full up with painkillers.
The nurse looked confused, “Don’t you remember at all? She was in the crash with you.”