Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo

Scoot 8

by shadesmaclean 0 reviews

Nori the Cursing Faerie

Category: Humor - Rating: R - Genres: Fantasy,Humor - Published: 2010-09-28 - Updated: 2010-09-28 - 790 words - Complete

So Scoot didst go forth and sneak into a computer lab to post the Forty-Two Commandments, as the Gods of Hondo had commanded him.

But when Scoot tried to put the Commandments on the Internet, an Evil Technomage cast an equation spell, causing a Holo-Demon to possess the computer.

No matter what Scoot tried, and no matter which computer Scoot didst use, the Holo-Demon didst follow him and refuse to allow him to upload the Commandments.

So Scoot didst pick up the phone and didst call the Hondo Hotline.

‘Operator,’ quoth Scoot, ‘get me the God of Fist-Pounding on the line.’

‘One moment, please.’ quoth the operator, and there was a long pause.

‘Thou hast reached the Hondo Hotline,’ spake a chirpy female voice. ‘In order to reach the Gods of Hondo, thou shalt dial one, and thou shalt only dial one. Thou shalt not dial two, nor shalt thou dial three or four, or even five, six, seven, eight or nine; thou shalt only dial one…’

And so Scoot didst dial one.

‘Ahoy-hoy!’ spake Derrick. ‘Thou hast reached the Gods of Hondo. State thy business, Scoot.’

‘But… Oh, wait. I forgot. Thou’rt gods.’

‘Aye, ’tis true,’ spake the God of Magic, ‘but we also have Caller ID.’

‘Anyhoo,’ Scoot continued, ‘I didst try to put the Forty-Two Commandments on the Internet, but an Evil Technomage didst cast an equation spell, and a Holo-Demon hath possessed the computer. I call upon thy Divine Technical Support to assist me in this dire situation.’

‘Go thee to locker number 4-2-1,’ spake the God of Hawai’ian Shirts. ‘There shalt thou find a good stash of Funky ’Shrooms. Take thee the Funky ’Shrooms and consume them.’

‘Okay…’ quoth Scoot.

And Derrick didst hang up.

So Scoot didst set forth and break into locker number 4-2-1 and didst consume the Funky ’Shrooms as the God of Orange Juice Drinking had commanded him, for they were funkadelically delicious.

And Scoot didst fall into a deep sleep and had a most disturbing dream. And this is the dream which Scoot didst have:

Scoot awoke in bed to find it crawling with Doodlebugs™. And the Doodlebugs™ didst cause the bed to start rolling out the door and down the highway.

At some point Scoot didst fall asleep again. When he awoke, he didst find himself in a Far Away Land.

And he looked before him and saw a door standing alone in the middle of nowhere. It bore no marking, and was very mysterious.

And next to the door, the demigod David didst appear, and said unto him, ‘This is a Spooky Door. Beyond is a place of sight and sound, which most art forbidden to see. A place of madness it is. In it thou must go.’

And so Scoot didst enter his first Spooky Door.

On the other side, things didst look exactly as they did on the side which he came from.

And Matt didst appear before him as the Energizer Bunny. And in this form, the God of Everything Else said unto him: ‘Thou must seek out the evil Technomage and force him to exorcise the Holo-Demon which doth haunt thee. Then, only then, wilt thou be able to post the Forty-Two Commandments on the Internet.’

‘But what was the door all about, mighty God of Everything Else?’

‘The Spooky Doors art the hidden paths,’ spake Matt. ‘There is no way even for a god to know where some of them lead. Thou shalt find the Spooky Door which leadeth unto the Technomage beyond this land.’

‘But I am… (counting) just one man, and in over my head, at that,’ quoth Scoot. ‘I can’t do this on mine own. I know not what dangers await me, nor how to contend with them.’

‘No buts. Thou shalt not be alone in thy quest,’ spake Matt. ‘I call forth Nori the Cursing Faerie, to aid thee in thy quest!’

And the God of Everything Else didst summon forth Nori the Cursing Faerie.

‘If thou looketh hard enough,’ spake the God of Everything Else, ‘thou shalt find… Absolutely nothing! Thou’rt stupid! Stupid!

‘…But seriously, if thou doth not try, thou shalt meet some dudes who wilt help thee in thy quest. Now go forth, Scoot the Ko’An. It is time.’

And so Matt, the God of Everything Else, didst depart, leaving Scoot standing there.

‘Well, what the fuck art thou waiting for?’ demanded Nori the Cursing Faerie. ‘Get thy sorry ass in gear and let us go find that Technomage!’

And so Scoot didst get his sorry ass in gear and didst set out to search for the Technomage, hoping that he couldst find the dudes which Matt didst prophesy.
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