Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo
THE POINTLESS TALE OF PIPPIN THE BASTARD
There once lived another unimportant man in another time zone. And these art the descendents of that unimportant man:
The unimportant man in that time zone begat a man who moved to a different time zone. And in that time zone he begat Hazarmaveth III. And Hazarmaveth III begat Tubal. And Tubal begat Zerubbabel, who begat many children, yet only one who didst really matter, and his name was Enoch. And Enoch begat Yankee Doodle. And Yankee Doodle begat Yankee Doodle Dandy.
And Yankee Doodle Dandy begat Irad. And Irad begat Madai. And Madai begat Na’amen the Dickweed. And Na’amen the Dickweed begat Magog. And Magog begat Meshech the Coward. And Meshech the Coward begat Tiras. And Tiras begat Riphath. And Riphath begat Elishah. And Elishah begat a Small Furry Creature from Alpha Centauri.
And the Small Furry Creature from Alpha Centauri begat Kittim. And Kittim begat Sabteca. And Sabteca begat Cush the Incontinent. And Cush the Incontinent begat the Eber. And Eber begat the Unknown Soldier.
And the Unknown Soldier begat Elam. And Elam begat Nahor the Mistake, whose self esteem was always low. And Nahor the Mistake begat Asshur. And Asshur begat The Dude.
And The Dude begat Aram. And Aram begat Hul. And Hul begat Shunem, the son of that guy who was, for a brief time, married to Jezreel, whose couser was Bidkar, the no-good half-brother of Willy Wonka. And Shunem begat Some Guy. Some Guy begat Some Other Guy. And Some Other Guy begat George.
But no one knoweth who begat Pippin the Bastard.
And Pippin the Bastard was a shy, quiet little wimp, whose mother always told him to ‘buck up’ and ‘take it like a man’ and whose friends always told him to get a life.
He didst work at a certain fast food restaurant, where he had remained and flipped burgers since he was in high school.
But one day, on Hondoday the 13th, a very rude customer came into the store and said unto him, ‘I didst order of thee a Quarter Pounder with cheese, dumbass! I ordered not a cheeseburger. So what the fuck is this? Tell me, thou little shithead!’
And he didst rub Pippin’s nose in the food, which he himself had not made, nor had taken any part of in this particular order.
And another very rude customer came forth and said unto him: ‘My burger is too greasy! Art thou a fool, that thou canst not see this?’
And so Pippin didst wring the grease from the burger and didst give it back to him. The rude customer didst spit upon him.
And a small boy walked past him, kicking him in the shin and saying unto him: ‘Thou sucketh! I hate thee!’
And his parents didst complain to the Management about the service.
And later, whilst Pippin was in the back searching for tomatoes which had not grown beards, the grill he was working on didst explode, and deflate in a hiss of steam.
And the pop machine didst burst, flooding the restaurant with carbonated goo.
And the cash registers didst malfunction, spitting cash at all of the customers, and there was much rejoicing.
But their rejoicing was short-lived, for a band of Mongols sacked the place, taking everything, including Pippin’s uniform.
And so the Manager said unto Pippin: ‘Thou art fired! Never do I wish to see thine ugly face here again. Now get thee gone! Thou’rt a disgrace!’
So the pantsless Pippin didst depart from the fast food restaurant in shame, and it began to rain, and every vehicle at every intersection didst try to run him down, and all who drove them splashed him and cursed him without cause.
And Pippin didst say in his heart: ‘I can deal with this. ’Tis nothing more than I have dealt with all my life… Fuck! Who kiddeth I? …I canst not stand much more! Surely I will snap if things keep this way…’
And he didst wonder for the millionth time in his life why the Gods were being so mean to him.
There once lived another unimportant man in another time zone. And these art the descendents of that unimportant man:
The unimportant man in that time zone begat a man who moved to a different time zone. And in that time zone he begat Hazarmaveth III. And Hazarmaveth III begat Tubal. And Tubal begat Zerubbabel, who begat many children, yet only one who didst really matter, and his name was Enoch. And Enoch begat Yankee Doodle. And Yankee Doodle begat Yankee Doodle Dandy.
And Yankee Doodle Dandy begat Irad. And Irad begat Madai. And Madai begat Na’amen the Dickweed. And Na’amen the Dickweed begat Magog. And Magog begat Meshech the Coward. And Meshech the Coward begat Tiras. And Tiras begat Riphath. And Riphath begat Elishah. And Elishah begat a Small Furry Creature from Alpha Centauri.
And the Small Furry Creature from Alpha Centauri begat Kittim. And Kittim begat Sabteca. And Sabteca begat Cush the Incontinent. And Cush the Incontinent begat the Eber. And Eber begat the Unknown Soldier.
And the Unknown Soldier begat Elam. And Elam begat Nahor the Mistake, whose self esteem was always low. And Nahor the Mistake begat Asshur. And Asshur begat The Dude.
And The Dude begat Aram. And Aram begat Hul. And Hul begat Shunem, the son of that guy who was, for a brief time, married to Jezreel, whose couser was Bidkar, the no-good half-brother of Willy Wonka. And Shunem begat Some Guy. Some Guy begat Some Other Guy. And Some Other Guy begat George.
But no one knoweth who begat Pippin the Bastard.
And Pippin the Bastard was a shy, quiet little wimp, whose mother always told him to ‘buck up’ and ‘take it like a man’ and whose friends always told him to get a life.
He didst work at a certain fast food restaurant, where he had remained and flipped burgers since he was in high school.
But one day, on Hondoday the 13th, a very rude customer came into the store and said unto him, ‘I didst order of thee a Quarter Pounder with cheese, dumbass! I ordered not a cheeseburger. So what the fuck is this? Tell me, thou little shithead!’
And he didst rub Pippin’s nose in the food, which he himself had not made, nor had taken any part of in this particular order.
And another very rude customer came forth and said unto him: ‘My burger is too greasy! Art thou a fool, that thou canst not see this?’
And so Pippin didst wring the grease from the burger and didst give it back to him. The rude customer didst spit upon him.
And a small boy walked past him, kicking him in the shin and saying unto him: ‘Thou sucketh! I hate thee!’
And his parents didst complain to the Management about the service.
And later, whilst Pippin was in the back searching for tomatoes which had not grown beards, the grill he was working on didst explode, and deflate in a hiss of steam.
And the pop machine didst burst, flooding the restaurant with carbonated goo.
And the cash registers didst malfunction, spitting cash at all of the customers, and there was much rejoicing.
But their rejoicing was short-lived, for a band of Mongols sacked the place, taking everything, including Pippin’s uniform.
And so the Manager said unto Pippin: ‘Thou art fired! Never do I wish to see thine ugly face here again. Now get thee gone! Thou’rt a disgrace!’
So the pantsless Pippin didst depart from the fast food restaurant in shame, and it began to rain, and every vehicle at every intersection didst try to run him down, and all who drove them splashed him and cursed him without cause.
And Pippin didst say in his heart: ‘I can deal with this. ’Tis nothing more than I have dealt with all my life… Fuck! Who kiddeth I? …I canst not stand much more! Surely I will snap if things keep this way…’
And he didst wonder for the millionth time in his life why the Gods were being so mean to him.
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