Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo
Little didst Pippin the Bastard know how right he was.
For the Gods of Hondo didst sit on the couch in front of the TV in the midst of Asgard, which was being remodeled from all of the centuries of neglect it had suffered during Jehovah’s reign of terror, watching his misfortune with great amusement.
‘Verily I say,’ spake Derrick, the God of Fist-Pounding, ‘ ’Tis always funnier when it doth happen to someone else! Pippin-Cam doth kick major arse!’
‘Amen, brother!’ In his hand, Matt, the God of Everything Else, held the Remote Control of Reality, which they had fought so hard to wrest from the hand of Jehovah. ‘Aye, ’tis so much easier with modern technology. I have no idea how the Ancient Gods got anything done. Life… is… good…’
‘I am hungry,’ spake the God of Orange Juice Drinking. ‘Let us order a pizza!’
‘A most fucking awesome idea, Derrick!’ Matt didst reply.
And so Derrick, the God of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions, didst pick up the Red Phone and didst call the nearest pizza place.
‘Hello? Dost thou offer to deliver in half an hour, or the pizza is free?’
‘Aye,’ quoth the other voice.
‘Good. For we needeth about twenty pizzas with a shitload of cheese and pepperoni and stuff delivered unto Asgard. Hast thou got that?’
‘Asgard!’ the voice didst explode indignantly, ‘Is this some manner of joke?’
‘No, I am Derrick, the God of Hawai’ian Shirts, and I command thee to deliver unto us the pizzas which we ordered, because we art the Gods of Hondo, and we didst order pizzas from thee, so thou shalt deliver the pizzas!’
‘Then prove it!’ the voice didst challenge. ‘If thou truly art the Gods of Hondo, thou shalt give us a sign that we may know this isn’t a joke.’
‘Very well. Matt…’
And the God of Everything Else didst fold his arms, wink and nod his head. And the sound of thunder was heard on the line from the pizza place.
‘That proof enough for thee?’
‘But there is no way we canst possibly deliver pizzas to Asgard in half an hour! ’Tis not even on the same plane of existence, let alone the same time zone!’
‘Then we getteth them for free, right?’
‘Oh, come on! Thou art Gods; surely thou hast a few bucks…’
‘Goddammit!’ cried Derrick.
‘My last name is not Dammit!’ spake an angry voice from the closet with the LA-Z Boy propped in front of it.
‘So thou art still alive in there…’
‘What is his last name, anyway?’ Matt didst ponder.
‘Fine.’ The voice on the phone didst finally give in. ‘Really. Gods who canst not even pay for their own pizza… What is this world coming to?’
And Derrick didst hang up.
‘Now let us turn back to Pippin TV,’ spake Matt. He didst point the Remote at the screen. ‘We do need something to stave off the time until our pizza arriveth, and I think we shouldst really mess with him this time. I bet he will snap after this.’
‘I think he canst take it,’ spake Derrick.
‘Well, if he cannot, then I shall owe thee a Coke. Hey, let us invite Bree and David and Heidi to the party, too. They wouldst really get a kick out of this!’
For the Gods of Hondo didst sit on the couch in front of the TV in the midst of Asgard, which was being remodeled from all of the centuries of neglect it had suffered during Jehovah’s reign of terror, watching his misfortune with great amusement.
‘Verily I say,’ spake Derrick, the God of Fist-Pounding, ‘ ’Tis always funnier when it doth happen to someone else! Pippin-Cam doth kick major arse!’
‘Amen, brother!’ In his hand, Matt, the God of Everything Else, held the Remote Control of Reality, which they had fought so hard to wrest from the hand of Jehovah. ‘Aye, ’tis so much easier with modern technology. I have no idea how the Ancient Gods got anything done. Life… is… good…’
‘I am hungry,’ spake the God of Orange Juice Drinking. ‘Let us order a pizza!’
‘A most fucking awesome idea, Derrick!’ Matt didst reply.
And so Derrick, the God of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions, didst pick up the Red Phone and didst call the nearest pizza place.
‘Hello? Dost thou offer to deliver in half an hour, or the pizza is free?’
‘Aye,’ quoth the other voice.
‘Good. For we needeth about twenty pizzas with a shitload of cheese and pepperoni and stuff delivered unto Asgard. Hast thou got that?’
‘Asgard!’ the voice didst explode indignantly, ‘Is this some manner of joke?’
‘No, I am Derrick, the God of Hawai’ian Shirts, and I command thee to deliver unto us the pizzas which we ordered, because we art the Gods of Hondo, and we didst order pizzas from thee, so thou shalt deliver the pizzas!’
‘Then prove it!’ the voice didst challenge. ‘If thou truly art the Gods of Hondo, thou shalt give us a sign that we may know this isn’t a joke.’
‘Very well. Matt…’
And the God of Everything Else didst fold his arms, wink and nod his head. And the sound of thunder was heard on the line from the pizza place.
‘That proof enough for thee?’
‘But there is no way we canst possibly deliver pizzas to Asgard in half an hour! ’Tis not even on the same plane of existence, let alone the same time zone!’
‘Then we getteth them for free, right?’
‘Oh, come on! Thou art Gods; surely thou hast a few bucks…’
‘Goddammit!’ cried Derrick.
‘My last name is not Dammit!’ spake an angry voice from the closet with the LA-Z Boy propped in front of it.
‘So thou art still alive in there…’
‘What is his last name, anyway?’ Matt didst ponder.
‘Fine.’ The voice on the phone didst finally give in. ‘Really. Gods who canst not even pay for their own pizza… What is this world coming to?’
And Derrick didst hang up.
‘Now let us turn back to Pippin TV,’ spake Matt. He didst point the Remote at the screen. ‘We do need something to stave off the time until our pizza arriveth, and I think we shouldst really mess with him this time. I bet he will snap after this.’
‘I think he canst take it,’ spake Derrick.
‘Well, if he cannot, then I shall owe thee a Coke. Hey, let us invite Bree and David and Heidi to the party, too. They wouldst really get a kick out of this!’
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