FicWad

And so Pippin the Bastard didst finally come unto his own house, and he was still without his pants. But at that moment, a Major League Baseball satellite didst crash into his house, breaking it asunder.

‘Bummer…’ quoth the man who stood next to him.

Before Pippin couldst speak, a messenger came unto him, saying: ‘Telegram! Art thou Pippin the Bastard?’

‘I am he,’ quoth Pippin.

And Pippin read the telegram. And these art the words of the telegram of Pippin the Bastard:

THY MOTHER HATH BEEN TURNED INTO A PIG STOP HER HOUSE HATH BEEN TURNED INTO A GIANT CAKE STOP HAVE THEE A NICE DAY STOP

And so Pippin the Bastard didst stand in the rain, wondering why the Gods were doing this to him.

But he had not long to wonder before he didst sneeze, and didst realize that he had caught a cold in this damp weather.

And with that, Pippin couldst stand no more, and he didst let out a great cry of frustration and anguish.

At that moment, an evil toaster didst appear, chasing Pippin with sharp pointy teeth. But as he ran down the street in terror, other people simply stood and stared as he passed them.

After a time, the toaster lost interest in Pippin, and didst take an unhealthy interest in some hapless old lady’s brand new blender.

‘Surely the Gods must be messing with me,’ thought Pippin, and so he didst decide to leave the city and wander in the wilderness until he couldst think of what to do next.