FicWad

As I unpacked and arranged things in my new room, I couldn't get over how Chester had spoken to me. It just wasn't like him to be so uptight, he was so laid back most of the time that if you didn’t know him better ,you would have thought he was asleep. That was except for when he was on stage, then he was all action. He was the one in charge of the audience, and nobody did it better than him.

I guess he really wanted to spend time, and really be there for Shannon. And across the city just wouldn't be good enough. Then I noticed someone stood behind me.

"Ella can we talk?"
"Yeah Chaz come in. What's up?"

I knew there was something wrong with him, the minute I looked at him.

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry for being such a jerk. I guess I came on a little strong."

A look of guilt was plastered all over his face. Shannon always used that same look when she had done something wrong. They were like two peas in a pod.

"Its ok Chaz"
"No its not. I just want to be near you both. So I can take care of you. But I think I should have let you make your own mind up. I didn't mean to pressure you. Its just not me, you know."
"I know its not. And I am grateful to you Chester. This place is amazing. I need to stop being such a control freak and let you help. Its just hard when I have done everything alone all these years. Plus there are advantages to me staying here, I have you right on hand when I need you to take care of Ella."
"So you forgive me then."
"Oh Chaz there is nothing to forgive."
I said as I walked over to him and gave him a great big hug. The minute I touched him the butterflies took flight in my stomach. I couldn't stand to be so close to him. But no matter how hard I tried. I just couldn't let go of him. Then I heard someone clear there throat.

"Ella where do you want these?"
An embarrassed Brad asked. I don't know what he thought he has caught us doing but he looked like a beetroot.
"In Shannon's room please Brad."
I said as I quickly let go of Chester.
"I'll just go and check on the kids."
Chester said as he walked toward the door. He had that strange look on his face again. The one that I couldn't read. I thought I knew all Chester's looks but this one was a mystery to me. I guess the years had made him harder to read.  Mike dragged me out of my  thoughts.
"Ella were going to head off now. Give you and Shannon time to settle in. Me and Anna are only a few doors away if you need us. And we have left our number by the phone. Call if you need anything ok."
"Thanks for everything Mike."
I said as I walked over to him and gave him a big hug. I wished they weren't going I suddenly felt afraid. It got worse as I walked Mike and the guys to the door.
"Ella, Ella."
"What sorry Chaz."
"I said I'm just going to take the boys back. Then I will come back. Is that ok."
Thank god. At least he would be here for a bit tonight.
"Yeah Chaz that's fine you can help me with our excited daughter here."
"Ok I will be back in an hour. Lock the door ok honey."
He didn't have to tell me to do that.
"Ok Chaz see you soon. Bye boys it been nice to meet you."
I said as they all walked out the door and me and Shannon where left alone.

Chester and the guys had only been gone for about half an hour. And already my nerves where on edge. God I wished he would hurry back. Every time I heard a floorboard creak as the house settled. Did my heart lurch up into my throat. I tried to keep myself calm for Shannon. But I knew she could sense the way I was feeling.
"Mom are you ok?"
What could I say to her. I couldn't lie to my own child. So I did what I always did and avoided the truth.
"Yeah honey. I'm fine, Its just the new house I'm not used to it. And its kind of making me jumpy."
I could tell my answer was sufficient for her. Because she smiled at me.
"I like it here mom. Its just so peaceful. When is Chester going to be back?"
"Soon honey I think. Do you want to get in you pj's its getting late."
I could see the hurt in her eyes. I guess she thought I was going to send her to bed. Before Chester got back. They really seemed to have bonded. I was happy about that. I was going to need him around if we were going to make things work here. And she really needed her dad.
"It's ok Shannon go and do it now. Then you will get to spend more time with him when he gets back."
When she was out of sight I headed into the kitchen. And grabbed myself a large glass of whiskey. I normally wouldn't have had one at this time. Or any other, but I needed something to settle my nerves. I had so many things on my mind. First there was being back in LA my home town. And how it made me so nervous. I know Chester and the guys had dealt with Phil. That he had moved on and never been back. But still the thought was in the back of my mind. That he could creep up on me at anytime.

Secondly I was starting my new job tomorrow. I was back home in the company had started my career with. It was my chance to really make something of myself. If  they  could forget that I had ran out on them all those years ago.

And thirdly, What the hell was going on with all the feelings I am starting to feel again for Chester. I know I had loved him once. Still did for that matter. And always would. But this was different why was I getting butterflies every time he's near me. Why did I get those strange tingles down my spine when he touched me. But most of all why couldn't I bear to be without him. How had my feelings for him grown so strong. In such a short time.  I was startled out of my thoughts by the door bell. I could feel the panic rising inside me. I hadn't felt this bad in years. And here I was again reliving the nightmare of my life. I couldn't breathe or move
.
"I'll get it mom, Its dad."
I wanted to shout to her not to answer the door. I wanted to take to my heels and chase her. But all I could do was sink to the floor as the panic attack took over all my senses.

"Hi Chester come in."
Where the hell was Ella. I can't believe she let Shannon open the door. Its totally not like her.
"Hey honey where's mom?"
"I don't know she was in the kitchen."
She said as she closed the door.
"Shannon honey. You shouldn't just answer the door like that. I could have been anyone."
She looked so sad. As if I had just yelled at her. So I put my arm around her shoulder.
"Shall we go and look for mom?"
As we walked toward the kitchen my heart started to skip beats. I could see her Laying on the kitchen floor. I started to run towards the kitchen door. When I reached her I dropped down to my knees. What the hell had happened to her.

I could feel myself suffocating. I really thought this was it for me. How would Shannon get through life without me. At least she had her dad. I was glad now that I had told him about her now.
"Ella, Ella honey wake up for me. Open your eyes sweetheart."

I could feel myself being sat up. And a strong pair of arms wrapping themselves around me. Holding me tightly. I could feel Chester's breath on my neck as he spoke softly to me. Trying to calm my breathing.
"Come on Ella that's better. No open your eyes for me please."
He sounded scared. And almost as if he was begging me to be ok.
"Chester?"
I said in a whisper almost to quiet to be heard.
"Yeah Ella I'm here. Look at me sweetheart."
I turned my head to look at him. As I stared into his beautiful brown eyes. I felt my breathing slowing  down to normal.
"Are you ok now? Do you need anything?"
He still looked terrified. So did Shannon.
"Ella honey Talk to me"
"Don't go"
I said to him. I just couldn't have him go anywhere now. I needed him right here.
"I'm not going anywhere sweetie. Can you sand up for me? We need to get you some where a little more comfy."

I took almost twenty minutes for me to be calm enough to talk properly. And when I finally did, I felt so stupid. How was I supposed to explain that I had a panic attack over the door bell ringing.

"So what happened? You scared the hell out of me. And Shannon."
Was he trying to make me feel guilty on purpose. I couldn't have helped it if I had tried.

"I had a panic attack. I'm sorry I worried you guys."
I told them looking down at the floor. I felt awful, I just couldn't look them in the eyes.

"Shannon honey, go give your mom a hug. She looks like she needs one. And then lets get you to bed."
As Shannon wrapped her arms around me. I could feel her body shaking with the tears she had been dying to shed over the last hour. What had I done to my poor baby. I had half scared her to death. Myself as well. I was really regretting my decision to move here now. Nothing like this had happened in years. And now on my first night here. I felt like I was back to square one.
"Its ok Shannon. Mommy was just being a little silly. I'm ok now. Let your dad take you to bed. Every things fine now."
I had done it again. I had lied to my daughter. As Shannon stood to go to bed. I dared to look Chaz in the eye for the first time since I had woken up. They just looked blank. I wished I knew what he was thinking. Was he regretting asking us to come and live here.
"I'll be back in a minute Ella."
That would be fun. I thought as he climbed the stairs with our little girl.


"Is mommy ok?"
Shannon asked as we walked into her room.
"I think so sweetie. Does this happen a lot."
She just sat looking at me on her bed. Just as I was thinking how to rephrase the question so she could understand me. She answered.
"No not for a very long time. Mommy saw a doctor and it stopped. She’s not getting poorly again is she?"

How could I answer that, When I had no idea what had happened to her. But Shannon was looking at me with such fear in her eyes. And I couldn’t bear to see her that way.

"No honey, mom is going to be fine. I bet she is just  tired, it has been a long day. And don’t worry I’m going to take care of you and your mom now."

I don’t know what had made me say that. I didn’t even know if Ella would want me to be around enough to help her. But I just knew I had to. No matter what she wanted.

"Don’t worry Shannon honey things are going to be just fine. Now you better try and get some sleep. And I’m going to see if mom is ok. Night darling sleep well."
I said as I walked out the door turning out her light. I just hope it all be alright.

Oh god what am I going to say to him. He could never understand he’ll just think I am some freak who is afraid of her own shadow. Then I heard movement on the stairs and I knew he would want to know what had happened. And all I wanted to do was run and hide but now I guess its time to tell him everything, If only he wants to stick around long enough to hear what a fucked up person I am.

"Hey you feeling better?"
He asked as he slipped on the sofa beside me. God I wished he wasn’t so close.
"Yeah… I guess so Chaz , I’m sorry if I freaked you out back there."
"Its ok…. What happened Ella you scared us half to death."
I was afraid of that. I didn’t know if he was concern on his face or if he was as mad as hell at me. I hoped It was the first option. I couldn’t bear him to be angry with me.

"Chaz I…"
"What Ella, you can tell me anything  you know. Shannon told me this has happened before. But not for a long time. What’s wrong?"

He was going to think I was crazy but I owed him enough to tell him the truth.
"It was a panic attack. I get them from time to time when things get to be a bit stressful. I haven’t had one for a long time but I guess… Now is a little more stressful then I thought it would be. And it was too much for me to deal with."

"Why didn’t you tell me and what was it that triggered it?"
How was I meant to tell him. How could I make him see how scared I was to be here. How the past few weeks had gone by so quickly and I hadn’t had time to digest what had happened.

"Chester, Its just so many things. Moving house, telling you about  Shannon even sharing her with you . But believe me I want that more than anything you’re a great father. My new job, but most of all being back here where the best and worst things in my life happened. Do you understand please say you do."
I said as the tears started rolling down my cheeks.

"Of course I do Ella things get on top of all of us. And believe me I’m here for you."
He said as he put his hand on mine. But I hadn’t finished I need to tell him everything.
"But that’s not everything I know you told me Phil had gone, But I’m just so scared. I always have been it just that here its worse. God I sound such a pathetic loser."
I said as I put my head in my hands and sobbed. My whole body shaking with every gasping breath I took in between sobs.

"Don’t be so silly you’re anything but a loser. I can understand you being so afraid."
"But Chaz you don’t understand I was so scared when you left. I saw him everywhere felt him watching me. Then when the bell rang I totally lost it. I know I am being paranoid but once it starts I cant stop it. Half of me wants to run away the other needs me to stay. I have been so lonely and I am just so scared to let anyone near me. I need my friends, the only people I have ever trusted around me."

"Hey we’re all here you know and we always will be."
He looked like he had tears glistening in his eyes. And I felt as guilty as hell for what I was putting him though.
"I know but you all leave you cant all be with me every minute of the day. I wouldn’t expect you to be…. I sound so needy I’m so sorry to drag you into all this Chester. I bet you wish you had never seen me again now?"

"Never…. I would never think that. And I am here for you and Shannon always. You know that…..Come here"
He said as he cradled me in his arms. And I clung on to him as my tears became harder until I had cried myself to sleep.

Why didn’t she tell me how hard things where for her. I thought as I laid her down on the sofa and covered her with the throw. If I had known I wouldn’t have made her move so quickly. There was no way I was going to leave her tonight I didn’t know when my feelings came back so strongly but I knew I didn’t want to leave her ever. I said to myself as I grabbed a blanket and lay down on the other sofa.
"Night Ella….. I love you."
I whispered just before I drifted of to sleep.