FicWad

And so it came to pass that the Dudes didst spend Odnohween Night in the Library.

‘Dost thou really believe all that mumbo-jumbo about “spooky things” tonight?’ quoth Myles the Unbeliever as he didst partake of his Misfortune Cookie. ‘Odnohween, indeed! ’Tis just like unto any other night.’

‘Look!’ cried Jennifer, and she didst point at the wall.

Inscribed on the wall in red spray paint, or possibly blood, was an ominous warning, and these were the words on the Library Wall:

Thou art no match for the Power of Steel!

‘See!’ quoth Yoco, ‘the spooky things the Gods of Hondo hath predicted shall indeed come to pass tonight.’

‘Stuff and nonsense! It maketh no sense,’ quoth Myles. ‘What the heck dost “thou’rt no match for the Power of Steel” mean?’

‘Who careth?’ quoth Casey. ‘ ’Tis spooky as hell!’

And all the books didst laugh at them.

‘Stop that!’ quoth Myles. ‘This is some kind of trick with tape recorders or something.’

And that night, the dead didst travel in floating refrigerators, and the legions of evil toasters didst chase people at random, leading a dark army of evil appliances whilst coffeemakers went on strike, and washers and dryers didst have races down the streets, and mannequins didst disco-dance all night, and people were heard screaming: ‘Oh my god, the old folks are having sex again!’; those who knew their current events didst hide under their beds.

‘ ’Tis awfully spooky out there…’ quoth Adria.

And that was where they were when the lights went out.

‘Dang it!’ quoth Myles as he lit a candle. ‘Now we must go downstairs to fix the fuses.’

‘Pussy!’ quoth Nori.

‘Come on,’ quoth Scoot as he didst lead them, ‘we must be strong.’

And the Dudes didst go downstairs to check the fuses, and they didst find in the Library basement a gallery of mushrooms.

‘Verily I say, there is fungus among us,’ quoth Scoot.

And there stood before them a fell figure. Four more figures didst appear behind the first.

One of them didst vanish in a puff of pixie dust.

‘One of the enemies ran away!’ quoth Nori. ‘Chickenshit!’

‘What amazing powers of observation thou hast,’ quoth Yoco.

And the first figure didst attack Scoot, and Casey and Dirty Uncle Orty didst fight two more. And Myles, of course, didst refuse to believe, and one of them didst kick his butt, and this irked him off.

‘Oh my heck!’ cried Myles. ‘I am being beaten by figments of someone else’s imagination!’

‘Stomp! And shake that ghetto booty!’ cheered Nori. ‘Stomp! And shake it! Yo, shake that muthafuckin’ booty! Stomp—!’

But the figures didst vanish in a puff of pixie dust before the fight could really get going.

‘What the flying monkey fuck was that?’ quoth Nori.

‘Where the hell didst they go?’ quoth Yoco.

‘Who were they anyway?’ asked Casey.

‘Mushroom thieves?’ quoth Yoco as he looked around confusèdly, ‘Anything is possible with thee, Scoot!’

And the God of Rocking Out Censorship didst appear before them as a Hyperactive Sneech, and said unto them: ‘We the Gods of Hondo thank thee for protecting our stash.’

And the demigod David didst appear before them, as well.

‘Hey!’ quoth Yoco, ‘how come thou art in thy normal form?’

‘Only a full-fledged god may take on strange forms,’ spake the God of Riot Riot Upstarts. ‘And so David must stay in his normal form.’

And Scoot didst give the demigod David an offering of one hundred pennies.

‘In return for this gracious gift,’ spake David, ‘I shall grant thee extra life force.’

‘But he doth reserve the right to be a fucking hypocrite,’ spake the God of Journeying to the End, ‘and to fly and be dim.’

‘Thank ye, Lord David,’ quoth Scoot. ‘I shall use this new power to hurt the minds of men, and to spread chaos and anarchy in thy name. For when the Dark Hour doth arrive, and the forces of evil loom over the earth, I shall fight to the last to stop its terrible minions, for tho the way be dim and murky as the World of the Dead, I am Scoot the Ko’An, the Ass-Kickin’ Apostle! Tho my destiny be terribly mysterious, I embrace it!’

‘Then go forth with thy new power, Scoot the Ko’An,’ spake the God of Green Lights, ‘and try to stay away from the K-F-C.’

‘Praise thee, mighty God of Hondo!’ quoth RJ. ‘Thou hast given our First Apostle greater power to lead us to the Thing with the Stuff!’

And he didst bow before them, prostrate at their feet.

‘I like the way thou boweth,’ spake the God of Atlantis, ‘and so we shall make thee the Arch-Bishop of Hondo.’

And Yoco didst bow before the God of Making Right-Guard Turn Left, and a hell of a lot better than RJ ever couldst, saying, ‘I shall keep doing that, for I canst not stand the presence of someone who hath not a fucking clue how to bow!’

And when the other Dudes didst kiss the feet of the God of Making Right-Guard Turn Left, Yoco didst say, ‘No way! I bow not for thee, but to show how much RJ doth suck.’

And so it came to pass that Matt and David didst vanish from their midst.