Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo
And the old man said unto Scoot, ‘I have here the ancient, lost Flathead Lake Scrolls. I will trade it for three chickens, two Amulets of Annihilation, and Partridge in a Pear Tree.’
And after much haggling, Scoot didst acquire the Flathead Lake Scrolls for a song, and the old man didst turn out to be Haji, the King of the Genies, and he didst vanish in a cloud of smoke.
And Scoot didst read of the lost Scrolls: ‘ “Blessèd are they who read the words in this scroll, and they that hear the words of this prophecy, for they shall see the coming doom.” Well that soundeth reassuring…’
‘Damn skippy!’ quoth Nori.
‘ “And a time shall come when the Unbeliever shalt utter a curse.” ’
‘Well, I never…’ quoth Myles. ‘I don’t believe it.’
‘ “When the Voice of the Turtle is no more heard in the land, then the Green Machine cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills.
‘ “They cometh out of the wilderness like pillars of smoke, perfumed with the myrrh and frankincense, and with all the powders of the merchant.
‘ “Awake, O North Wind! and the valiant shalt carry the sword and know fear in the night, for the daughters of Zion shalt go forth from their garden of cucumbers with comely speech and entrance Soccer Moms.” Whoa! this is some scary shit.
‘ “And without the Might of Old, which once moved heaven and earth, no one canst stop the Idiot-Monster’s laugh; then the Seventh Generation shalt come unto the Eleventh Hour—” ’
And Yoco didst thwap Scoot on the head with his own staff.
‘Ha!’ quoth Yoco, ‘thou didst not keep thy staff! Now ’tis thy turn to get bonked!’
‘Scoot pulled a Trampus!’ quoth Nori.
‘Fine,’ quoth Scoot, ‘I shall read the rest of it later.’
‘Oh yeah!’ quoth a young man who didst walk up to them from the crowd. ‘I do not believe in the Gods of Hondo.’
‘Go away,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for we already have an Unbeliever.’
‘I believe in the God Jehovah,’ quoth the Bible-Thumper, ‘for I have a dollar, and written on the edge of the dollar art the words: “If thou receiveth this dollar, it shall bring thee luck for ’twas touched by an angel!” ’
‘Angels shouldst not go around touching people,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Wilt thou still serve the God that failed?’
‘The Sons and Daughters of Zion shall overcome thee!’ quoth the Bible-Thumper, ‘and the infidels shall be smitten and slate wiped clean! Choose thy side carefully, for Jehovah shall cast those who do not follow him in the Lake of Fire.’
‘Verily I say, if this be his will, then thy god is one scary motherfucker!’ (props Jim Lindberg) quoth Scoot. ‘In case no one told thee, Jehovah’s not going anywhere for a good long while. Thine intolerance will not be tolerated here.’
‘Revelation 21:15 sayeth:’ quoth the Bible-Thumper, ‘ “And whosoever was not found in the Book of Life was cast into the Lake of Fire.” ’
‘Yes,’ quoth Scoot, ‘but remember… um… Isaiah 5:2.’
‘ “And he fenced it, and gathered out the stones thereof, and planted it with the choicest vine, and built a tower in the midst of it, and also made a winepress therein: and he looked that it should bring forth grapes, and it brought forth wild grapes.”? What was the point in that?’
‘The Gods of Hondo move in stupid ways,’ quoth Scoot. ‘But tell me, didst thou really memorize the whole damn thing?’
‘Aye,’ quoth the Bible-Thumper.
‘Then, what about… Pippin 4:1,’ quoth Scoot.
‘ “And as the Gods of Hondo were eating pizza with their friends and watching Pippin TV, Lucifer didst appear in a puff of fire and smoke and said unto them: ‘Thou art a bunch of assholes!’ ”?’ quoth Yoco.
‘Yeah,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Think about it.’
And this didst hurt the Bible-Thumper’s mind, and he didst stand like a stone for many days.
And so it came to pass, now that the debate with the Bible-Thumper was over, that Matt didst appear before them as an avocado-green lamp and said unto them: ‘Hail, Dudes! I congratulate thee on thy discovery of the Flathead Lake Scrolls.’
‘We thank thee for granting us victory against the Bible Thumper!’ quoth RJ.
And he didst bow before them, prostrate at their feet.
‘I liketh the way thou boweth,’ spake the God of Thy USDA Daily Allowance of Video Bullshit (or as some calleth it, MTV), ‘and so we shall promote thee. As there is a already a Pope, we shall make thee Assistant God of Hondo.’
And Yoco didst bow before the God of Video Bullshit, and a hell of a lot better than RJ ever couldst.
‘We anoint RJ as our Assistant God,’ spake the God of the Drums of Khazad Dûm. ‘If Derrick or myself canst not fulfill his duties, then RJ shalt take over in his stead as an Acting God of Hondo. Only in this instance would he hold a higher rank than Scoot. As First Apostle, Scoot is the highest mortal in Hondo.’
‘No, that’s Jennifer!’ quoth Nori.
‘Thank ye, mighty God of the Drums of Khazad Dûm!’ quoth RJ, and he didst bow once again.
‘Now go forth, Dudes, and find the Thing with the Stuff,’ spake Matt.
And the God of Recycled Ketchup Bottles didst vanish from their midst.
‘Let us divide into two parties that we may cover more ground in our quest for the Thing with the Stuff,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Nori, Yoco, and Casey, thou shalt travel with me. Jennifer, Dirty Uncle Orty, Adria and Myles, thou shalt go together.’
And the Dudes didst split up and didst take off their Pants for the Unknown.
(Nori: ‘Check out our next episode! ’Tis unquestionably supercalafuckinfragilistic!’)
And after much haggling, Scoot didst acquire the Flathead Lake Scrolls for a song, and the old man didst turn out to be Haji, the King of the Genies, and he didst vanish in a cloud of smoke.
And Scoot didst read of the lost Scrolls: ‘ “Blessèd are they who read the words in this scroll, and they that hear the words of this prophecy, for they shall see the coming doom.” Well that soundeth reassuring…’
‘Damn skippy!’ quoth Nori.
‘ “And a time shall come when the Unbeliever shalt utter a curse.” ’
‘Well, I never…’ quoth Myles. ‘I don’t believe it.’
‘ “When the Voice of the Turtle is no more heard in the land, then the Green Machine cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills.
‘ “They cometh out of the wilderness like pillars of smoke, perfumed with the myrrh and frankincense, and with all the powders of the merchant.
‘ “Awake, O North Wind! and the valiant shalt carry the sword and know fear in the night, for the daughters of Zion shalt go forth from their garden of cucumbers with comely speech and entrance Soccer Moms.” Whoa! this is some scary shit.
‘ “And without the Might of Old, which once moved heaven and earth, no one canst stop the Idiot-Monster’s laugh; then the Seventh Generation shalt come unto the Eleventh Hour—” ’
And Yoco didst thwap Scoot on the head with his own staff.
‘Ha!’ quoth Yoco, ‘thou didst not keep thy staff! Now ’tis thy turn to get bonked!’
‘Scoot pulled a Trampus!’ quoth Nori.
‘Fine,’ quoth Scoot, ‘I shall read the rest of it later.’
‘Oh yeah!’ quoth a young man who didst walk up to them from the crowd. ‘I do not believe in the Gods of Hondo.’
‘Go away,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for we already have an Unbeliever.’
‘I believe in the God Jehovah,’ quoth the Bible-Thumper, ‘for I have a dollar, and written on the edge of the dollar art the words: “If thou receiveth this dollar, it shall bring thee luck for ’twas touched by an angel!” ’
‘Angels shouldst not go around touching people,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Wilt thou still serve the God that failed?’
‘The Sons and Daughters of Zion shall overcome thee!’ quoth the Bible-Thumper, ‘and the infidels shall be smitten and slate wiped clean! Choose thy side carefully, for Jehovah shall cast those who do not follow him in the Lake of Fire.’
‘Verily I say, if this be his will, then thy god is one scary motherfucker!’ (props Jim Lindberg) quoth Scoot. ‘In case no one told thee, Jehovah’s not going anywhere for a good long while. Thine intolerance will not be tolerated here.’
‘Revelation 21:15 sayeth:’ quoth the Bible-Thumper, ‘ “And whosoever was not found in the Book of Life was cast into the Lake of Fire.” ’
‘Yes,’ quoth Scoot, ‘but remember… um… Isaiah 5:2.’
‘ “And he fenced it, and gathered out the stones thereof, and planted it with the choicest vine, and built a tower in the midst of it, and also made a winepress therein: and he looked that it should bring forth grapes, and it brought forth wild grapes.”? What was the point in that?’
‘The Gods of Hondo move in stupid ways,’ quoth Scoot. ‘But tell me, didst thou really memorize the whole damn thing?’
‘Aye,’ quoth the Bible-Thumper.
‘Then, what about… Pippin 4:1,’ quoth Scoot.
‘ “And as the Gods of Hondo were eating pizza with their friends and watching Pippin TV, Lucifer didst appear in a puff of fire and smoke and said unto them: ‘Thou art a bunch of assholes!’ ”?’ quoth Yoco.
‘Yeah,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Think about it.’
And this didst hurt the Bible-Thumper’s mind, and he didst stand like a stone for many days.
And so it came to pass, now that the debate with the Bible-Thumper was over, that Matt didst appear before them as an avocado-green lamp and said unto them: ‘Hail, Dudes! I congratulate thee on thy discovery of the Flathead Lake Scrolls.’
‘We thank thee for granting us victory against the Bible Thumper!’ quoth RJ.
And he didst bow before them, prostrate at their feet.
‘I liketh the way thou boweth,’ spake the God of Thy USDA Daily Allowance of Video Bullshit (or as some calleth it, MTV), ‘and so we shall promote thee. As there is a already a Pope, we shall make thee Assistant God of Hondo.’
And Yoco didst bow before the God of Video Bullshit, and a hell of a lot better than RJ ever couldst.
‘We anoint RJ as our Assistant God,’ spake the God of the Drums of Khazad Dûm. ‘If Derrick or myself canst not fulfill his duties, then RJ shalt take over in his stead as an Acting God of Hondo. Only in this instance would he hold a higher rank than Scoot. As First Apostle, Scoot is the highest mortal in Hondo.’
‘No, that’s Jennifer!’ quoth Nori.
‘Thank ye, mighty God of the Drums of Khazad Dûm!’ quoth RJ, and he didst bow once again.
‘Now go forth, Dudes, and find the Thing with the Stuff,’ spake Matt.
And the God of Recycled Ketchup Bottles didst vanish from their midst.
‘Let us divide into two parties that we may cover more ground in our quest for the Thing with the Stuff,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Nori, Yoco, and Casey, thou shalt travel with me. Jennifer, Dirty Uncle Orty, Adria and Myles, thou shalt go together.’
And the Dudes didst split up and didst take off their Pants for the Unknown.
(Nori: ‘Check out our next episode! ’Tis unquestionably supercalafuckinfragilistic!’)
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