FicWad

I gazed upon Gerard as he steadily undressed in the bathroom. He stared into the mirror as he took off his shirt and I stared at the mirror behind him. It was a body I knew. I knew it well apparently. Gerard sighed and looked at his reflection in the eye. What hurt, what was the most maddening part of it all was seeing the ghostly reflection of Frank beside him and it looking so damn right. I was desparate for him to even seem like he was looking at me. That maybe teh one look would show some truth.

I was willing to risk the pain even, so I walked forward towards him, that addicting warmth spreading over me, lullling me into a calm state almost at once. His eyes had no light in them, they didn't shine like the rest of him did. They were a beautiful hazel-gray but they weren't brilliant like the rest of him, they did no shine the same way. They were empty eyes, though plastered across his face was a faint smile that ripped the sides of his mouth.

The heat intensified as I covered his body with mine, only hovering above the surface of his skin. I was glad that Gerard stayed put to let me get closer in my own everlasting time.
I draped my arms over his sunken shoulders, the searing heat kicking in, though I did not let go. Gerard had to feel some of this too, he had to. It was so strong...

"A heart can never stop like that..." Gerard whispered to himself. Though it burned more, I found myself resting my head on his shoulderblade, burrowing in.
"It did, but it can't stop me being here." I murmured back, unafraid to say things open for nobody to hear. It was comforting to at least pretend he might hear the whisper of his name in the wind or in pinpricks of the rain as it fell like daggers from the dark Jersey skies.

Gerard's expresion softened a little as he stared into the mirror, the smile not slipping as he prepared to go into his room for a slightly less lonely night. An electric shock travelled up from my hand as Gerard placed his on it. He was only stretching feebly but it meant so much, that touch. Unintentional yes, but I still felt a little less invisible.

I loved him. In that moment I knew I loved him. That one truth slipped silently in place, though I did't realize it for some time. While I hugged tightly, desparately, I only understood the burning pain it brought, the love I felt didn't register. Only the lonliness and hurt stood out at the time to me, though it should have been obvious. I was facing all the fire just for this one person.

"Gerard. I wish you'd tell me why I'm here, so that I could feel something." I pleaded softly, my words, unlike Gerard's not echoing off the walls. It felt a little better to talk aloud, knowing that it waouldn't seem stragne - there was nobody to percieve me as strange. I still held onto it though that maybe somehow I could get Gerard to notice me. If that one person, the one source of bright hope in my existance could know I was there then maybe I'd have some purpose in wondering the balck and white world around me. It was just the fact that I was making some attempt to be heard that mattered.

Gerard sighed in reply and padded into his, (or was it once my...?) room. Mikey provided the mandatory weak smile from where he lay. Mikey6 lifted up the covers and Gerard slipped underneath.

It all looked so calm and controlled like that, but the hours that followed brought cries and much comforting on Mikey's part.

At points Gerard was clutching onto Mikey's thin shirt, sobbing into it. It was like nothing I had seen, or expected. It was so much worse than at the funeral. Mikey was crying a bit himself as Gerard held onto him tightly, his tuneless cries echoeing into the night. Why did I have to be tehre though, why did I have to be back from death only in part to watch it? It was like some punishment, observing Gerard's tormented wails like that. I did feel compassion for him but at the same time a touch of nauseation: not just that he was among the living and visible, but that the only logical reason was that he had brought me back. How could you wish that on someone? It's understandable in the first few days yes, but surely people would recognise all the complications and disrupting of the 'peace' that was supposed to come with it?

Humanity seemed that little bit more distant from me as I watched the two brothers shaking with weak wails, Gerard clawing at Mikey and Mikey having to hold him there in his unspoken duty. When finallt they were asleep I took to my own haunting once more as I vaguely puzzled through all my questions.

I sat beside Gerard, only just touching him, trying to get used to it somehow.
"Gerard." I snapped, still hopeful for a reaction, "Gerard. Pretend I'm here... C'mon, it's me, it's Frank." To my surprise Gerard stirrred in his sleep, rolling onto his side to face me. He mumbled unhappily, brows furrowing, knitting toogether. I gasped in shock and went on, "Gerard! Listen, it's me, Frank. Please, get up. Tell me who you are to me!"
Gerard rolled back onto his back and in his sleep groaned again, eyelids fluttering. My excitement was peaking at that point. Perhaps he had heard...

"Fr-ank..." He moaned in a blissful tone. There was movement beneath the sheets, his hands were moving down and he was... he was...
It was apparent Gerard might not have heard or wuite understood me. "Gerard! Get up!" I warily outstreched a hand to touch his sweaty brow and while I recieved only hot pain, Gerard jolted, moaning, and this time louder. He was reacting somehow?

Though it was soon embarassingly clear though that Gerard felt a lot more for me than normal friends. He seemed awake, the way he was manovering the bedsheets, eyes flickering, temptimgly close to opening. I heard something similar to material slipping off and quickly realised what Gerard was doing to himself, with my name on his lips. In his semi-awake state he was groping at himself, not even bothering to try and do it properly with any feeling. He was just softly calling out "Frank... Frankie..." In sighs.

The smile that would often accompany such pleasures was soon gone from Gerard's face.
After only a minute Gerard was scowling at the ceiling, my name faded away from his mouth, completely gone as his eyes opened to stare blankly up.

And you know what? It didn't change a thing.

I mean, it made snese that Gerard was so attached like that but I was still unsure if I felt the same way back. The deep love like that still didn't make sense to me. I wasn't sure if I loved him back in the way Gerard loved me, but I knew to a certain extent, I loved him.