FicWad

The next few days kind of went by in a blur. I mostly felt like I was sleepwalking. The effects of the Cruciatus curse continued to haunt my mind. I never went more than a few minutes without thinking about it. I wondered what I had done and if I was now considered evil for performing an unforgivable curse. Deep inside, I felt like I should punish myself for doing such an awful thing.

The only good thing about the next few days was the fact that Tom didn't hold any more meetings. I don't know what I would've done if he had called another one. There was no way I was going to use the Cruciatus curse ever again. I had made an oath to myself that I would never perform another unforgivable curse. To sum it up, they were plainly unforgivable.

Everyone kind of noticed that there was something wrong with me. Walden was the first to notice. When I saw him the day after the tragic event, he immediately asked me if I was sick. I tried to reassure him that I was fine and just a little tired. I'm not really sure whether or not he bought my story, but at least he didn't inquire further on the subject.

Bella also noticed my change in mood. I was quiet all the time and never initiated conversation unless someone else asked me a question. Other than that, I stayed isolated in my own little guilty world. Bella hadn't brought up the subject of what had happened that fateful night, but she did make an extra effort to go out of her way to be nice to me and talk to me. Normally, I would've been grateful for more attention from my big sister. But now? Now, I just wanted to be left alone.

Another part of the reason I was so depressed was Lucius. He seemed even more distant from me than usual. I was really starting to think that I had imagined the way he had held me and touched me in his arms the night of Tom's first lesson. The Lucius I saw everyday was certainly not the same Lucius I had seen that night. The Lucius I saw was cold, hard, masked, and wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. When I tried to catch his eye and smile at him in the corridor, he quickly looked away as if he was feeling guilty about something and then stalked away from me.

On top of it all, I really was starting to feel sick and weak. You know how I had decided that I would do whatever it took to become thin and beautiful for Lucius' sake? Well, I was still sticking to that goal. I forced down one meal a day but ditched breakfast and lunch. Without the food, I didn't have much energy and I felt weak and exhausted all the time.

Right now, I was walking down the corridors at a snail's pace, trying to figure out what to do next. My classes for the day were over and now I was free to do whatever I wished. I wasn't really sure what I wanted to do. I guess the thing that sounded the best right now was a nice long nap. Earlier, I had drifted off in Transfiguration. Thank god Walden had poked me before Professor McGonagall noticed. The last thing I wanted to do was get into trouble for sleeping in class!

As I wandered aimlessly down the hall, Bellatrix came bounding up to me with her dark eyes all lit up and with her curls bouncing. I could immediately tell something was up. I gave my sister a curious look and waited for her to catch her breath as she fell into step with me. In a breathless tone, Bella said, "Hey Cissy, guess what? We're going home for the weekend!"

Bella's words hit me as a shock and I just stood there and looked at her confusedly for a few moments. Bella rolled her eyes at my reaction and kept chit chatting, "Earth to Cissy! Did you just hear what I said?" Kind of in a daze, I nodded in response to her question. Of course I had heard what Bellatrix had said. My brain was just taking a long time to process the news.

"Well? Aren't you at all excited or anything?" Bellatrix continued onwards, obviously very excited herself. "It'll be great to go back home and see mother again. And guess what? She's planned to take us shopping at Diagon Alley so we can find some dresses to wear to the dance on Monday. Isn't that great? I know you've always wanted a fancy dress."

It was true; I had always daydreamed over the fantasy of wearing a beautiful dress and dancing with the guy of my dreams. Now the fantasy seemed stupid though. Love didn't happen in real life like it did in fairy tales. No, true love didn't exist in my opinion. At least, it didn't exist for me anyways. Lucius had stuck a knife in my heart that had embedded itself so deeply inside of me that it was impossible to get out. To be honest, I wasn't sure if I even wanted to get the knife out.

Feeling Bella's eyes on me, I felt like I should say something. Trying to sound happy, I said, "Oh, that is great news I guess. So when are we leaving for home? Is Andromeda coming with us?" It was pretty easy to forget about my older sister sometimes. I hadn't thought about Andromeda once since we had come to Hogwarts. But yet again, it wasn't like she had thought of me either.

"Um, we're going right now," Bellatrix informed me with a funny smile on her face. "Why else do you think I have your suitcase in my hand?" Bella pointed to something swinging from her hand. Looking down, I noticed for the first time that she was carrying my little black bag with all my belongs. God, I must be going blind or something.

As I trailed after Bella to the Great Hall, she continued to blab, "Andromeda is coming too. She told me she'd meet us in the Great Hall. Mother should be waiting for us there." Bellatrix paused for a moment and hesitated before she added in a low, serious tone, "Cissy...I know what Tom did to you the other night. I'm really, really sorry. Is there anything I can do to help you?"

I was thankful for my sister's concern, but there was absolutely nothing she could do for me at this point. There was nothing anyone could do for me at this point. The guilt had twisted itself up inside of me and wouldn't let me go. I would never forgive myself for using that terrible curse on an innocent being. So in response to my sister's question, I merely shook my head.

Bella gave me a sympathetic look which told me that she wished she could do more for me. The fact was that she couldn't though, so we walked the rest of the way to the Great Hall in silence. Deep inside, there was a battle raging inside of me. I didn't want to go home and face my mother and my home. I didn't feel like the same person who had left for Hogwarts only a week ago. I felt guilty, dirty, and like I would never be the same again.

A few moments later, Bella and I entered the Great Hall and saw our mother and Andromeda already talking at the entrance to the Great Hall across the room. As soon as she saw us, our mother's lips broke into a big smile and she waved at us. Bella waved back vigorously and I forced myself to give a little wave. I wondered if my mother would be able to see through to my guilty conscious.

When we reached her, my mother quickly threw her arms around Bellatrix in a big, motherly hug. I watched the two of them with a bit of jealousy in my eyes. I knew Bellatrix was prettier and smarter than me, but that didn't mean that I didn't wish my mother loved me as much as she loved Bella. I felt so worthless sometimes.

"It's so good to see you, Bella!" my mother gushed, putting her hands on Bella's shoulders as she took a good, long look at her. "I missed you the day you left! It'll be great to have a weekend all for shopping and some girl time. Andromeda already told me about the dance. We'll have to get you a really pretty dress. Who's your partner?"

I felt rather left out as I stood watching my mom and Bella have an indepth conversation. It would've been nice if my mother had at least acknowledged my presence or greeted me. Was that really too much to ask for? Apparently so. Bellatrix answered my mom's question with a smile, "I'm going with Lucius Malfoy. You know the Malfoys, right?"

My mother thought for a moment and then nodded, "Oh yes, of course I know the Malfoys! They're a very good pureblood family." My mom suddenly seemed to notice me for the first time. For a few moments, she shifted her gaze from Bella to me, "Oh hello there, Narcissa. How was your first week ever at school? Did you manage to get a guy for the dance?"

Cheeks flushing, I thought about what to say. I hated the way my mother had just worded her question. It was like she automatically expected Bella to have a partner for the dance but she wasn't sure whether or not I would be able to attract a guy. I guess I really must be a hell of a lot uglier than Bella.

Feeling kind of upset at all this, I just said simply, "My first week went by just fine, thanks for asking. And yes, I found a partner for the dance." My mom lifted her eyebrows and gave me an inquisitive look, obviously wanted to know who my partner was. Not seeing any reason not to tell her, I stated, "Walden Macnair."

Mother considered the name and then smiled, "Oh, the Macnairs are a good pureblood family as well. You're done well, Narcissa. Hey Bella, how is Professor Slughorn doing?" I sighed and closed back into my own little shell. My mother got tired of talking to me after only two or three sentences, but she always had things to say to Bella. How sad.

The rest of the night went by rather quickly. On the way back home, all my mother and Bella did was yammer on and on. Andromeda and I sat in silence. I could tell Andromeda was eying me, but I didn't want to talk to her, so I kept my eyes on the floor and my thoughts to myself. Sometimes, that's just the easiest thing to do.

When we reached home, the first thing I did was run straight to my familiar bedroom. Once I was there, I threw my suitcase in one of the corners and flopped on my bed without even bothering to change clothes. I was completely exhausted and felt like I was going to collapse or faint at any moment. Sleep was calling and I answered its call.

~ ~ ~ ~

The next day, I woke up late from the sunlight streaming in through the window. At first, I was confused. Where was I? This certainly wasn't the dormitory in Hogwarts. It took my sleepy brain about five minutes to clear up and recognize my surroundings. Once I had done this, I remembered that I was back home and had a shopping date with my mother and sisters today.

Since it was already late, I wasted no time in getting up. Walking across the room, I flung my wardrobe open and looked for something to wear. After looking through the wardrobe's contents, I selected a pretty dark green dress with spaghetti straps. It was fun to wear a dress again instead of my boring black robes for school.

Once I had slid into the dress, I combed through my blonde locks and pulled them back into a bun on top of my head. Deciding not to bother with makeup, I headed downstairs after that to see if Bella and Andromeda were up yet. When I reached the living room, I was surprised to see all three women in the family already sitting on the couch. Oops, had they been waiting for me?

"There you are, Narcissa!" my mother exclaimed as I joined the rest of the family in the living room. "We thought you were going to sleep all day or something! Let's head out to Diagon Alley now before the day is gone. We'll travel by flu powder since it's the easiest way to travel. Come along, everyone gather up by the fireplace."

To travel by flu powder, you must first through the flu powder in the fireplace, step inside, and then clearly state your destination. If all went well, you would arrive at your destination within a matter of seconds. Traveling by flu powder always made me nervous, but I wasn't in a mood to argue with anyone. If my mom wanted us to travel by flu powder, that is exactly what we would do.

As I apprehensively approached the fireplace, I peered over my shoulder to see what Bella and Andromeda were wearing. Andromeda was wearing a simple blue dress whereas Bella was wearing this skimpy black skirt and matching black tube top. I didn't get how Bella always managed to look so sexy.

Mother offered me a pinch of powder. Trying to pretend like I wasn't at all nervous, I took a pinch of the powder and threw it in the fire. Taking a deep breath, I summoned up my nerves and stepped inside of the fireplace. Doing my best not to cough on the ashes revolving around the confined space, I said as clearly as I could, "Diagon Alley!"

There was a wooshing noise all around me as the world started spinning faster and faster. Many images flew before my eyes but they were going so fast that it was impossible to make them out. Moments later,the world finally became right-side-up again and I was lying in a firepit at a pet store in Diagon Alley. Owls screeched, cats meowed, and people chattered.

Feeling kind of embarrassed lying on the floor, I quickly got to my feet and brushed myself off as I waited for my sisters and mother to join me. Almost immediately after we had all appeared in the store, I heard a familiar voice from behind us. It was a voice that was cold and chilled my nerves. In a slick, smooth tone, the voice said, "Greetings, Mrs. Black! What a pleasure it is to run into your family on this fine day."