Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Fully Alive
I think it's official my muse is starting to come home to with me. I'm randomly deciding to update chapters for no apparent reason. I apologize xo
Was is it absolutely possible to dwindle away into nothing right before your eyes? Flames to ashes, to dust, and once again nothing. So unsatisfied with yourself, you don't even know what to do anymore.
I had asked this over and over again repeatedly, because it had driven me insane. It was a never ending vicious cycle, no matter how hard I tried to break, it was never enough. Pushing myself day in and day out did not suffice the hunger, the burning desire, the need, the addiction that had flowed through my veins like a disease waiting to deteriorate the rest of me. I didn't understand how much longer this would go on. Because the realization of me rotting away was more terrifying than anything I have ever endured.
But still, it would not let me use that motive to quit my sins and get to the place I've never seen in my life. A place of peace, hope, strength, and the ability to survive and thrive. This fantasy would only just be a fantasy. I was reminded of this 24 hours of the day.
It had been almost a month since I came to see Frank. His efforts to help me, did little good, but I couldn't let him know that. I didn't want to frustrate him more than he deserved to be. Because I knew it was hard for him. He was like me, an exact replica of me, yet he didn't know how to fix me. I was hanging on a thread, and to my imagination I was the one holding a pair of scissors above my head. I was my own mess, I was my own problem.
So I did what I did best to keep myself going just a little longer. I fed my addictions behind Frank's back and catered to my body like it wanted me to. It felt good, I felt content. Because everything else was so fucked up, this was my one moment of peace. And I know you must be thinking, I'm psychotic, delusional, and other word that associates with being crazy. And to be perfectly honest with you, I couldn't disagree with you. Maybe I was crazy.
But believe me when I say I wasn't always like this. I was once like you I would imagine. Once upon I believed in fairy tales, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I was hopeful, I really was up until the moment I was thrust into the real world.
The real world where there's no happily ever afters.
I couldn't think of a better thing to do to pass the time as I once again sat alone on my bedroom floor, staring at the white walls as if any moment, something magical would happen. Of course nothing did happen, but it gave me something to distract myself even if only for a second.
I would do this everyday at the same time. I would think, and I would think about nothing. I would think about Ray. I would wonder what he was doing right now. He hadn't replied to any letters I sent him over the course of the last two weeks. I knew it was not intentional, I knew had gotten them, it was just too hard for the both of us if he had written back. I couldn't sugar coat the truth and tell him I was doing great. I would be home soon, and we would we be together again. That was the worst lie I could have ever told, because even you would know I was lying wholeheartedly.
I would think about life before Daniel, and the part that scared me the most. The future. In the next year where would I be? Would be on the other side of the dark road, or would I be six inches into the ground?
You have to believe me when I say I want to get better, I really do, but you can't understand what it's like when your body disagrees with everything you try to make right. I would fight the urge as I best as I could, but it didn't work. I would sneak out and meet up with the man I had become close with recently, and then I would crawl back here like the broken doll I was.
My throat feels raw and dry as I try to swallow the minimal amount of saliva I have left to saturate my mouth. I look down and remove the white towel from my wrists and sigh at the sight of once was crimson rivers now caked up and dry. This is what was most difficult in my efforts to hide from Frank. I could tell him I'm fine, sure no problem, but the claw marks on my wrist would say different. The flesh shredded so much, it would not hold in the blood that came out nightly when I would start digging at it again to curb my appetite. It was my only source of getting through the pain, mentally and emotionally.
I didn't know where I stood anymore. I didn't know right from wrong, I might as well add left from right. My direction was not a good one, I knew that much. I also knew that no matter what happened, I could not let Frank know.
So if you must, call me crazy. I won't argue.
These are just the inner thoughts of a broken drug addict.
~~
At around 11 o'clock at night, I heard the familiar sound of guitar strumming. It became almost a comfort for me as I tried to imagine what Frank was thinking while he played. I could've sworn I heard him singing on one or more occasions, but I was unsure.
And for some reason, I wanted to hear more. I slowly walked out into the room and down the hallway as I stopped at Frank's door. It was cracked so I could see some of his room and his figure sitting on the black bed.
"He calls the mansion not a house but a tomb
he's always choking from the stench and the fume
the wedding party all collapsed in the room
send my resignation to the bride and the groom
let's go down
this elevator only goes up to ten
he's not around
he's always looking at men
down by the pool he doesn't have many friends
as they are face down and bloated
snap a shot with the lens.
if you marry me
will you bury me
will you carry me to the end
so say goodbye
(to the vows you take)
so say goodbye
(to the life you make)
and say goodbye
(to the heart you break)
and all the cyanide you drank
she keeps a picture of the body she lends
got nasty blisters from the money she spends
she got a life of her own and it shows
by the benz she drives at 90 by the barbies and
kens
if you ever say never too late
I'll forget all the diamonds you ate
lost in coma and covered in cake
increase the medication share the vows at the wake
kiss the bride."
I hear him sing as I sit there in absolute awe, because I never thought this part of Frank had existed inside of him. I was never fully sure if I knew who Frank really was. Because he was just unlike any person you could ever know. Despite his demeanor, he possessed a gentleness. A view of the world that most people would consider apathetic, but Frank was most definitely not. He was him. Nothing more, nothing less.
He kept strumming for a couple minutes until I had decided I had heard enough. I didn't want him to know I was listening right by the door as I slowly made a step towards my room when I saw him move.
"Layla?" he asked softly as my body froze while I cursed under my breath. Fuck.
A moment later, he opened the door and I was greeted with soft green eyes as I looked at him like a deer caught in headlights.
"Umm..." I stuttered as he looked at me curiously. A small shade of pink had appeared on his cheeks. I turned red in return.
"Did you need something?" he asked me as I looked at him before back at the floor and shook my head.
"No, I just...thought I heard singing." I explained as he smiled softly.
"Oh I'm sorry, it was me. I apologize if it was too loud." he replied as I snapped my head back up.
"No!" I said quickly before composing myself. "No, it wasn't loud at all. It was actually very good. I didn't know you sang." I responded as he shrugged.
"Yeah, but not too often. I mostly play." he replied as I nodded.
"You're very good." I replied with a smile as he blushed.
"Well thank you." he answered back as I nodded once more.
"Well I'll let you be. Goodnight." I said to him as I turned around.
"Wait." he said as I looked back at him.
"Yes Frank?"
"Are you sure you're okay?" he asked as I stifled a nod and a condescending smile.
"I'm fine Frank, really." I said to him. "See you in the morning."
"Yeah. Goodnight Layla." he smiled at me.
"Goodnight Frank." I replied before turning back and walking back to my room as Frank watched me turned the corner while I ignored the stabbing at my heart. It hurt to lie to him this way, but the burn in my body for my cure had hurt even more...
"If you look in the mirror, and you don't like what you see. You can find out firsthand, what it's like to be me."
Was is it absolutely possible to dwindle away into nothing right before your eyes? Flames to ashes, to dust, and once again nothing. So unsatisfied with yourself, you don't even know what to do anymore.
I had asked this over and over again repeatedly, because it had driven me insane. It was a never ending vicious cycle, no matter how hard I tried to break, it was never enough. Pushing myself day in and day out did not suffice the hunger, the burning desire, the need, the addiction that had flowed through my veins like a disease waiting to deteriorate the rest of me. I didn't understand how much longer this would go on. Because the realization of me rotting away was more terrifying than anything I have ever endured.
But still, it would not let me use that motive to quit my sins and get to the place I've never seen in my life. A place of peace, hope, strength, and the ability to survive and thrive. This fantasy would only just be a fantasy. I was reminded of this 24 hours of the day.
It had been almost a month since I came to see Frank. His efforts to help me, did little good, but I couldn't let him know that. I didn't want to frustrate him more than he deserved to be. Because I knew it was hard for him. He was like me, an exact replica of me, yet he didn't know how to fix me. I was hanging on a thread, and to my imagination I was the one holding a pair of scissors above my head. I was my own mess, I was my own problem.
So I did what I did best to keep myself going just a little longer. I fed my addictions behind Frank's back and catered to my body like it wanted me to. It felt good, I felt content. Because everything else was so fucked up, this was my one moment of peace. And I know you must be thinking, I'm psychotic, delusional, and other word that associates with being crazy. And to be perfectly honest with you, I couldn't disagree with you. Maybe I was crazy.
But believe me when I say I wasn't always like this. I was once like you I would imagine. Once upon I believed in fairy tales, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I was hopeful, I really was up until the moment I was thrust into the real world.
The real world where there's no happily ever afters.
I couldn't think of a better thing to do to pass the time as I once again sat alone on my bedroom floor, staring at the white walls as if any moment, something magical would happen. Of course nothing did happen, but it gave me something to distract myself even if only for a second.
I would do this everyday at the same time. I would think, and I would think about nothing. I would think about Ray. I would wonder what he was doing right now. He hadn't replied to any letters I sent him over the course of the last two weeks. I knew it was not intentional, I knew had gotten them, it was just too hard for the both of us if he had written back. I couldn't sugar coat the truth and tell him I was doing great. I would be home soon, and we would we be together again. That was the worst lie I could have ever told, because even you would know I was lying wholeheartedly.
I would think about life before Daniel, and the part that scared me the most. The future. In the next year where would I be? Would be on the other side of the dark road, or would I be six inches into the ground?
You have to believe me when I say I want to get better, I really do, but you can't understand what it's like when your body disagrees with everything you try to make right. I would fight the urge as I best as I could, but it didn't work. I would sneak out and meet up with the man I had become close with recently, and then I would crawl back here like the broken doll I was.
My throat feels raw and dry as I try to swallow the minimal amount of saliva I have left to saturate my mouth. I look down and remove the white towel from my wrists and sigh at the sight of once was crimson rivers now caked up and dry. This is what was most difficult in my efforts to hide from Frank. I could tell him I'm fine, sure no problem, but the claw marks on my wrist would say different. The flesh shredded so much, it would not hold in the blood that came out nightly when I would start digging at it again to curb my appetite. It was my only source of getting through the pain, mentally and emotionally.
I didn't know where I stood anymore. I didn't know right from wrong, I might as well add left from right. My direction was not a good one, I knew that much. I also knew that no matter what happened, I could not let Frank know.
So if you must, call me crazy. I won't argue.
These are just the inner thoughts of a broken drug addict.
~~
At around 11 o'clock at night, I heard the familiar sound of guitar strumming. It became almost a comfort for me as I tried to imagine what Frank was thinking while he played. I could've sworn I heard him singing on one or more occasions, but I was unsure.
And for some reason, I wanted to hear more. I slowly walked out into the room and down the hallway as I stopped at Frank's door. It was cracked so I could see some of his room and his figure sitting on the black bed.
"He calls the mansion not a house but a tomb
he's always choking from the stench and the fume
the wedding party all collapsed in the room
send my resignation to the bride and the groom
let's go down
this elevator only goes up to ten
he's not around
he's always looking at men
down by the pool he doesn't have many friends
as they are face down and bloated
snap a shot with the lens.
if you marry me
will you bury me
will you carry me to the end
so say goodbye
(to the vows you take)
so say goodbye
(to the life you make)
and say goodbye
(to the heart you break)
and all the cyanide you drank
she keeps a picture of the body she lends
got nasty blisters from the money she spends
she got a life of her own and it shows
by the benz she drives at 90 by the barbies and
kens
if you ever say never too late
I'll forget all the diamonds you ate
lost in coma and covered in cake
increase the medication share the vows at the wake
kiss the bride."
I hear him sing as I sit there in absolute awe, because I never thought this part of Frank had existed inside of him. I was never fully sure if I knew who Frank really was. Because he was just unlike any person you could ever know. Despite his demeanor, he possessed a gentleness. A view of the world that most people would consider apathetic, but Frank was most definitely not. He was him. Nothing more, nothing less.
He kept strumming for a couple minutes until I had decided I had heard enough. I didn't want him to know I was listening right by the door as I slowly made a step towards my room when I saw him move.
"Layla?" he asked softly as my body froze while I cursed under my breath. Fuck.
A moment later, he opened the door and I was greeted with soft green eyes as I looked at him like a deer caught in headlights.
"Umm..." I stuttered as he looked at me curiously. A small shade of pink had appeared on his cheeks. I turned red in return.
"Did you need something?" he asked me as I looked at him before back at the floor and shook my head.
"No, I just...thought I heard singing." I explained as he smiled softly.
"Oh I'm sorry, it was me. I apologize if it was too loud." he replied as I snapped my head back up.
"No!" I said quickly before composing myself. "No, it wasn't loud at all. It was actually very good. I didn't know you sang." I responded as he shrugged.
"Yeah, but not too often. I mostly play." he replied as I nodded.
"You're very good." I replied with a smile as he blushed.
"Well thank you." he answered back as I nodded once more.
"Well I'll let you be. Goodnight." I said to him as I turned around.
"Wait." he said as I looked back at him.
"Yes Frank?"
"Are you sure you're okay?" he asked as I stifled a nod and a condescending smile.
"I'm fine Frank, really." I said to him. "See you in the morning."
"Yeah. Goodnight Layla." he smiled at me.
"Goodnight Frank." I replied before turning back and walking back to my room as Frank watched me turned the corner while I ignored the stabbing at my heart. It hurt to lie to him this way, but the burn in my body for my cure had hurt even more...
"If you look in the mirror, and you don't like what you see. You can find out firsthand, what it's like to be me."
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