Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo
THE BOOK OF KUNGFUCIUS
(The Book of Kungfucius was brought to thee by Uncle Jemima’s Homeless Guy’s Bourbon. For Aunt Jemima might knoweth her syrups, but he knoweth his liquor! Perfect for drinking under any bridge, for the key— and only— ingredient is booze!)
And it came to pass that Scoot was pursued by Evil-Cam, which didst hunt him through forest and field, and the Voice of the Turtle was heard in the land.
Before the Dudes couldst catch up with him, Scoot didst find himself lost in the frozen storage chambers of Area 51. But his denim jacket would not keep him warm for long as he didst wander among the vast, frozen chambers.
And he didst freeze his ass off, for no matter which way he went, he couldst not find the way he came in.
And it came to pass that when Scoot couldst go no farther, and he didst collapse on the floor, that the God of Everything Else didst appear before him as a backwards rhombus, and said unto him: ‘Scoot… Scoot… Thou canst not fall now… Thou art destined for more than this…’
‘Lord Matt…’ quoth Scoot, ‘Help me… Matt…’
‘Thou shalt go unto the end of the Endless Highway,’ spake the God of Missing Clientele. ‘There, thou shalt seek out Kungfucius, the most fucked-up martial arts master in the Known Universe. He shall teach thee the art of Confusionism. Thou must master thy powers if thou art to fight with the Might of Old…’
And the God of the Word ‘Fuck’ didst vanish, leaving Scoot alone in the cold.
‘Matt! Ye bastard…’ quoth Scoot as he didst pass out.
‘Dear sweet pants!’ cried Nori as the Dudes didst come upon Scoot. ‘Get him a fucking power pill, dumbass!’
And Casey didst give Scoot a power pill, a groovy grape one. ’Twas much like unto a healing potion, but in an easy-to-swallow capsule form. And Yoco didst use a stolen alien death-ray to thaw Scoot out.
‘Scoot! Art thou okay?’ asked the Dudes. ‘Tell us! What the hell happened to thee?’
‘I thought I was going to die, but then Lord Matt didst appear to me in a vision,’ quoth Scoot, ‘and he commanded me to find the end of the Endless Highway. The least he could have done was leave me a fuckin’ winter coat…’
‘I don’t believe it!’ quoth Myles the Unbeliever.
‘And how the fuck dost thou intend to do that?’ asked Nori.
‘I do not know,’ quoth Scoot. ‘But somehow I must seek out the Master Kungfucius. With his training, I shall become stranger than ever.’
‘But Scoot,’ quoth Yoco, ‘no one hath ever found the end of the Endless Highway. Art thou sure about this?’
‘Sure I’m sure,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for just because no one hath found the end doth not make it endless. I have a long, strange trip ahead of me.’
‘So, what else is new?’ quoth Nori.
‘But first,’ quoth Scoot, ‘since it would appear that we have somehow infiltrated Area 51, and that damn Evil-Cam hath Security too busy to bother with us, I’ve got too much fun ahead of me!’
And so the Dudes didst steal a Centauri space cruiser, and didst party down with the ship’s kick-ass sound system as they cruised around space before crash-landing back on Earth after running out of gas.
And there was much rejoicing.
‘Where in the name of the hippo-fuckin’ Jade Giraffe didst thou learn to drive like that!?’ demanded Nori.
‘I do not know,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for I didst scare my driving instructor into retirement.’
‘Now ye tell us,’ quoth RJ. ‘The auto-pilot was doing better than thee!’
After the intergalactic joyride, the time came for Scoot to say farewell to the Dudes as he didst set forth on his quest to find the end of the Endless Highway.
‘Come back to us,’ quoth Nori. ‘If ye don’t, who else shall I bitch out?’
‘There’s always Yoco,’ quoth he.
And Scoot the Ko’An didst take up his staff and set forth on the Endless Highway.
Canst Scoot find the end of the Endless Highway? Canst he find the Master Kungfucius? Canst the Dudes get by for five minutes without his help?
Findeth out the answers to these and other questions in the next problematic chapter of the Book of Hondo!
(The Book of Kungfucius was brought to thee by Uncle Jemima’s Homeless Guy’s Bourbon. For Aunt Jemima might knoweth her syrups, but he knoweth his liquor! Perfect for drinking under any bridge, for the key— and only— ingredient is booze!)
And it came to pass that Scoot was pursued by Evil-Cam, which didst hunt him through forest and field, and the Voice of the Turtle was heard in the land.
Before the Dudes couldst catch up with him, Scoot didst find himself lost in the frozen storage chambers of Area 51. But his denim jacket would not keep him warm for long as he didst wander among the vast, frozen chambers.
And he didst freeze his ass off, for no matter which way he went, he couldst not find the way he came in.
And it came to pass that when Scoot couldst go no farther, and he didst collapse on the floor, that the God of Everything Else didst appear before him as a backwards rhombus, and said unto him: ‘Scoot… Scoot… Thou canst not fall now… Thou art destined for more than this…’
‘Lord Matt…’ quoth Scoot, ‘Help me… Matt…’
‘Thou shalt go unto the end of the Endless Highway,’ spake the God of Missing Clientele. ‘There, thou shalt seek out Kungfucius, the most fucked-up martial arts master in the Known Universe. He shall teach thee the art of Confusionism. Thou must master thy powers if thou art to fight with the Might of Old…’
And the God of the Word ‘Fuck’ didst vanish, leaving Scoot alone in the cold.
‘Matt! Ye bastard…’ quoth Scoot as he didst pass out.
‘Dear sweet pants!’ cried Nori as the Dudes didst come upon Scoot. ‘Get him a fucking power pill, dumbass!’
And Casey didst give Scoot a power pill, a groovy grape one. ’Twas much like unto a healing potion, but in an easy-to-swallow capsule form. And Yoco didst use a stolen alien death-ray to thaw Scoot out.
‘Scoot! Art thou okay?’ asked the Dudes. ‘Tell us! What the hell happened to thee?’
‘I thought I was going to die, but then Lord Matt didst appear to me in a vision,’ quoth Scoot, ‘and he commanded me to find the end of the Endless Highway. The least he could have done was leave me a fuckin’ winter coat…’
‘I don’t believe it!’ quoth Myles the Unbeliever.
‘And how the fuck dost thou intend to do that?’ asked Nori.
‘I do not know,’ quoth Scoot. ‘But somehow I must seek out the Master Kungfucius. With his training, I shall become stranger than ever.’
‘But Scoot,’ quoth Yoco, ‘no one hath ever found the end of the Endless Highway. Art thou sure about this?’
‘Sure I’m sure,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for just because no one hath found the end doth not make it endless. I have a long, strange trip ahead of me.’
‘So, what else is new?’ quoth Nori.
‘But first,’ quoth Scoot, ‘since it would appear that we have somehow infiltrated Area 51, and that damn Evil-Cam hath Security too busy to bother with us, I’ve got too much fun ahead of me!’
And so the Dudes didst steal a Centauri space cruiser, and didst party down with the ship’s kick-ass sound system as they cruised around space before crash-landing back on Earth after running out of gas.
And there was much rejoicing.
‘Where in the name of the hippo-fuckin’ Jade Giraffe didst thou learn to drive like that!?’ demanded Nori.
‘I do not know,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for I didst scare my driving instructor into retirement.’
‘Now ye tell us,’ quoth RJ. ‘The auto-pilot was doing better than thee!’
After the intergalactic joyride, the time came for Scoot to say farewell to the Dudes as he didst set forth on his quest to find the end of the Endless Highway.
‘Come back to us,’ quoth Nori. ‘If ye don’t, who else shall I bitch out?’
‘There’s always Yoco,’ quoth he.
And Scoot the Ko’An didst take up his staff and set forth on the Endless Highway.
Canst Scoot find the end of the Endless Highway? Canst he find the Master Kungfucius? Canst the Dudes get by for five minutes without his help?
Findeth out the answers to these and other questions in the next problematic chapter of the Book of Hondo!
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