Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo
INSTRUCTION: Enroll at Home of Hairballs Martial Arts School. Learn the ancient arts of Karate, Curse Fu, Clock-jutsu, Romulan Kick-Shitting, and Ko’An-ken. Contact Chewbacca at 1-800-555-FUCK, or damn him in person.
Thou art reading the Book of Hondo. Now back to the story:
In Non-Euclidean Space there lived a man whose name and number were not listed. And these art the descendants of the man whose name and number were not listed:
And the Man Whose Name and Number Were Not Listed begat Ithiel. And Ithiel begat the Ghost of Tom Joad. And the Ghost of Tom Joad begat Issachar. And Issachar begat Nebat. And Nebat begat the Last Emperor.
And the Last Emperor begat a monkey. And the monkey begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat… well, ye get the idea…
And Jakeh begat the Son of the Hawai’ian King Kaméhaméha. And the Son of the Hawai’ian King Kaméhaméha begat Kungfucius.
And it came to pass one day in the Place of Light and Song, that a man didst enter the Spooky Door at the end of the Endless Highway.
And the man said unto him, ‘I am Scoot the Ko’An, the First Apostle of Hondo. I seek thy training, O Great Master Kungfucius.’
‘What have ye got, wouldst thou showeth me?’ asked Kungfucius. ‘For stranger than I look am I.’
And so Scoot didst stand backwards.
‘All thou hast, is that?’ demanded Kungfucius. ‘Do that standing on my head I couldst.’
‘Well, Kungfucius, I do have this,’ quoth Scoot, and he didst draw the HellRazor.
‘The HellRazor…’ quoth Kungfucius. ‘Remember to say the words didst thou, before removing it from its resting place?’
‘Why doth everyone keep asking me that?’ quoth Scoot. ‘Maybe we didst not say every single syllable of it, but basically we didst say what we couldst read.’
‘Guah!’ cried Kungfucius. ‘Realize thou not that by removing the sword without saying the words, raiseth hell thou hast?’
‘Yeah, yeah,’ quoth Scoot, ‘we have already had that lecture from the Monkey Man. Now wouldst thou traineth me in the way of Confusionism?’
‘Impatient art thou,’ quoth Kungfucius, ‘but hast thou a sense of humor to match thine apparent powers?’
‘Why didst the chicken crosseth the road—’
‘Pedestrian,’ quoth Kungfucius.
‘A Montanan, a Canadian, and a North Dakotan—’
‘Too local.’
‘Why didst the monkey fall out of the tree?’ quoth Scoot.
‘I know not,’ quoth Kungfucius.
‘Because he was dead,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Why didst the second monkey fall out of the tree?’
‘A second please give me…’ quoth Kungfucius. ‘I know not.’
‘Because he was stapled to the first monkey,’ quoth Scoot.
‘Passable…’ quoth Kungfucius, though Scoot couldst see that Kungfucius was trying very hard not to laugh, and was greatly failing, at that.
‘Oh yeah!’ quoth Scoot, ‘Well, why didst the third monkey fall out of the tree?’
‘Um… Uh…’ quoth Kungfucius. ‘Heard this one I have…’
‘Peer pressure!’ quoth Scoot.
‘Stop it!’ cried Kungfucius, for he was now rolling on the ground laughing. ‘Killing me, thou art!’
‘Come on, Kungfucius, even my aunt’s old Commodore computer couldst compute that!’
And they didst laugh their asses off.
‘Beginner’s luck hast thou,’ quoth Kungfucius, ‘for a master of comedy I am.’
‘But I thought thou’rt a master of martial arts,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for the Gods of Hondo hath sent me here to train in the art of Confusionism.’
‘Learn to quantemplate ye must before taking on the philosophy of Confusionism,’ quoth Kungfucius. ‘Not just decorations, these cats art, for super-intelligent beings art they. To prepare thee, teachest thou psychic kung fu and verbal jujitsu I will. Reach a new level thou shalt. But first hit the books thou must. Walk this way.’
And Scoot didst, following the Master Kungfucius all the way to the attic, which was cluttered with ancient books.
For Kungfucius was the Keeper of Arcane and Forgotten Knowledge, as well as the Lost Runes of Wisdom.
And so Scoot didst begin his training in the attic of Kungfucius, in a place of light and song, with twelve cats laughing at him.
Canst Scoot complete Kungfucius’s training? What wilt become of the Dudes in his absence? Learn more of their fate in the next self-destructing chapter of the Book of Hondo…
Thou art reading the Book of Hondo. Now back to the story:
In Non-Euclidean Space there lived a man whose name and number were not listed. And these art the descendants of the man whose name and number were not listed:
And the Man Whose Name and Number Were Not Listed begat Ithiel. And Ithiel begat the Ghost of Tom Joad. And the Ghost of Tom Joad begat Issachar. And Issachar begat Nebat. And Nebat begat the Last Emperor.
And the Last Emperor begat a monkey. And the monkey begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat Vegeta. And Vegeta begat… well, ye get the idea…
And Jakeh begat the Son of the Hawai’ian King Kaméhaméha. And the Son of the Hawai’ian King Kaméhaméha begat Kungfucius.
And it came to pass one day in the Place of Light and Song, that a man didst enter the Spooky Door at the end of the Endless Highway.
And the man said unto him, ‘I am Scoot the Ko’An, the First Apostle of Hondo. I seek thy training, O Great Master Kungfucius.’
‘What have ye got, wouldst thou showeth me?’ asked Kungfucius. ‘For stranger than I look am I.’
And so Scoot didst stand backwards.
‘All thou hast, is that?’ demanded Kungfucius. ‘Do that standing on my head I couldst.’
‘Well, Kungfucius, I do have this,’ quoth Scoot, and he didst draw the HellRazor.
‘The HellRazor…’ quoth Kungfucius. ‘Remember to say the words didst thou, before removing it from its resting place?’
‘Why doth everyone keep asking me that?’ quoth Scoot. ‘Maybe we didst not say every single syllable of it, but basically we didst say what we couldst read.’
‘Guah!’ cried Kungfucius. ‘Realize thou not that by removing the sword without saying the words, raiseth hell thou hast?’
‘Yeah, yeah,’ quoth Scoot, ‘we have already had that lecture from the Monkey Man. Now wouldst thou traineth me in the way of Confusionism?’
‘Impatient art thou,’ quoth Kungfucius, ‘but hast thou a sense of humor to match thine apparent powers?’
‘Why didst the chicken crosseth the road—’
‘Pedestrian,’ quoth Kungfucius.
‘A Montanan, a Canadian, and a North Dakotan—’
‘Too local.’
‘Why didst the monkey fall out of the tree?’ quoth Scoot.
‘I know not,’ quoth Kungfucius.
‘Because he was dead,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Why didst the second monkey fall out of the tree?’
‘A second please give me…’ quoth Kungfucius. ‘I know not.’
‘Because he was stapled to the first monkey,’ quoth Scoot.
‘Passable…’ quoth Kungfucius, though Scoot couldst see that Kungfucius was trying very hard not to laugh, and was greatly failing, at that.
‘Oh yeah!’ quoth Scoot, ‘Well, why didst the third monkey fall out of the tree?’
‘Um… Uh…’ quoth Kungfucius. ‘Heard this one I have…’
‘Peer pressure!’ quoth Scoot.
‘Stop it!’ cried Kungfucius, for he was now rolling on the ground laughing. ‘Killing me, thou art!’
‘Come on, Kungfucius, even my aunt’s old Commodore computer couldst compute that!’
And they didst laugh their asses off.
‘Beginner’s luck hast thou,’ quoth Kungfucius, ‘for a master of comedy I am.’
‘But I thought thou’rt a master of martial arts,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for the Gods of Hondo hath sent me here to train in the art of Confusionism.’
‘Learn to quantemplate ye must before taking on the philosophy of Confusionism,’ quoth Kungfucius. ‘Not just decorations, these cats art, for super-intelligent beings art they. To prepare thee, teachest thou psychic kung fu and verbal jujitsu I will. Reach a new level thou shalt. But first hit the books thou must. Walk this way.’
And Scoot didst, following the Master Kungfucius all the way to the attic, which was cluttered with ancient books.
For Kungfucius was the Keeper of Arcane and Forgotten Knowledge, as well as the Lost Runes of Wisdom.
And so Scoot didst begin his training in the attic of Kungfucius, in a place of light and song, with twelve cats laughing at him.
Canst Scoot complete Kungfucius’s training? What wilt become of the Dudes in his absence? Learn more of their fate in the next self-destructing chapter of the Book of Hondo…
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