Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo
FOR SALE: Must sell 1884 Chevy Shit-Mobile. In fat Italian condition. Cat-pan orange with hot-black trim. 31-wheel drive. A steal at forty-twelve dollars.
Thou art reading the Book of Hondo. Now back to the story:
And the Dudes didst resume their quest for the Thing with the Stuff, but without Scoot the Ko’An and Nori the Cursing Faerie, the days didst become dull and uneventful.
And it came to pass that the Demigoddess Heidi didst appear before RJ in a dream, and said unto him: ‘RJ… Go forth and findeth a chicken. Thou shalt taketh the chicken and cut its head off, then drink thee the warm blood spurting from its neck…
‘Thou shalt then bury it under a yew tree in a cemetery at midnight, and leaveth it for three days. At midnight of the third day, thou must diggeth it up whilst singing “Original Prankster” backwards, and in Swahili…
‘Thou shalt then feedeth the dirty three-day-old carcass to a three-legged goat. If the goat doth try to get it on with thee, it meaneth thou hast done something wrong, and thou shalt have to start all over again…
‘But if ye did this right, the goat shalt vomit up a blue substance which thou must eateth in no more than ten seconds. Don’t worry, for the hallucinations shouldst stop after a day or two…
‘If thou doeth these things, thou shalt attain lost knowledge that wilt help thee…’ (props Little Miss 1565/Offspring)
‘But beware: if thou maketh even one mistake, heaven knoweth who or what the hell thou shalt awaken as. Go forth, not fifth, or thou shalt be last, RJ…’
And so RJ didst do as the Demigoddess of Hondo commanded him.
Unfortunately, he didst make a mistake, and didst awaken as Rat Boy. And so Rat Boy didst do as the Demigoddess of Hondo commanded him. But it didst take him several more mistakes to get back to his original self. And when it was all over, he didst write down all that he didst see in his visions.
And these were the writings of RJ, the Assistant God of Hondo:
‘Congratulations on thy purchase of the Thing with the Stuff! This amazing item shalt be more useful than any ten things thou owneth, more helpful even than thy towel. Thou art truly lucky to possess it.
‘Instructions: Thou shalt inserteth Tab A into Slot B (see thee Figure C-4). Then thou shalt install the dilithium power unit and turneth the key on the back three times (see thee Figure F-0). The number of times thou shalt turn the key shalt not be one, nor shalt it be two; nor shalt it be four or five; only three times shalt thou turn it, lest great and terrible things shouldst happen…
‘If thou doth desire to read the rest of this manual, thou must taketh a mummified cat and—’
‘What art thou reading?’ asked Fuct the Politically Correct Faerie. ‘Hey! This is totally inappropriate for thou to readeth!’
And she didst take a Zippo lighter and didst burn the Instruction Manual for the Thing with the Stuff (Abridged).
‘Great!’ quoth RJ. ‘Now I hath to start all over again!’
‘Surely the rod up her ass hath a rod up its ass,’ quoth McBean.
And it came to pass whilst they were fighting over the Instruction Manual, that a piece of it didst tear off and light Myles’ hair.
‘Ding-dong doodly damn!’ cried Myles the Unbeliever as he didst dance around, for his blue hair dye didst burn really hot.
‘Oh shit!’ quoth Casey. ‘The Unbeliever hath uttered a curse.’
‘D’oh!’ quoth Myles. ‘Um, I mean I don’t believe it!’
‘What is wrong with ye people?’ cried Fuct. ‘Why must thou always curse and swear? Why must thou always be doing these retarded things? Why canst thou not conform?’
And the Dudes didst shrug their shoulders.
And Adria didst prophesy: ‘And a time shall come when the Little Black Box canst not be found. And the people shall say, “Here cometh the fortune cookies! Here cometh the fortune cookies! They art wearing paper hats!” For the return of Bob the Kiwi shalt mark the end of the world of men…’
‘Woo-hoo!’ cried Jennifer. ‘Gimme a big hell yeah! Testify!’
‘Jennifer!’ snapped Fuct.
‘…In the Eighth Hour of the Eighth Day of the Eighth Month of the Eighth Year, a goat shalt sneeze… and it will be good. The chicken shalt get the rebound and keep playing. Of all the minutes that were taken away, will thy watch be waiting? Biteth the wax tadpole, for drinking Pepsi shalt bring back thine ancestors!’
And so Fuct didst give the Dudes a long lecture about performing rituals with chickens, digging in cemeteries, and listening to devil-music.
Meanwhile, Scoot had trained for many days under the watchful eye of Kungfucius. Once he hit the books, he had read from the Lost Chapters, the Missing Pages.
‘Master thy power thou must,’ quoth Kungfucius, ‘or master thee thy power shalt.’
‘Wow!’ quoth Scoot, ‘I’m hitting the books at a college level!’
For the books were indeed hard targets, but after playing Brockian Ultra-Cricket with them for many days, he had reached into new mental realms, and didst completely trash Kungfucius’ attic.
‘Thy kicks pack quite a punch, but giveth thy punches more kick, thou must,’ quoth Kungfucius.
‘I wonder how Nori is doing…’ quoth Scoot, for in his quantemplations he had seen Nori running her errand in Faerie Land.
‘Concentrate!’ quoth Kungfucius. ‘Concentrate thou must!’
As Scoot doth continue his training with Kungfucius, Nori hath almost finished her mysterious errand in Faerie Land. Wilt Nori return in time to help the Dudes? Canst she finish her errand? Find out in the next fistagonal chapter of the Book of Hondo!
Thou art reading the Book of Hondo. Now back to the story:
And the Dudes didst resume their quest for the Thing with the Stuff, but without Scoot the Ko’An and Nori the Cursing Faerie, the days didst become dull and uneventful.
And it came to pass that the Demigoddess Heidi didst appear before RJ in a dream, and said unto him: ‘RJ… Go forth and findeth a chicken. Thou shalt taketh the chicken and cut its head off, then drink thee the warm blood spurting from its neck…
‘Thou shalt then bury it under a yew tree in a cemetery at midnight, and leaveth it for three days. At midnight of the third day, thou must diggeth it up whilst singing “Original Prankster” backwards, and in Swahili…
‘Thou shalt then feedeth the dirty three-day-old carcass to a three-legged goat. If the goat doth try to get it on with thee, it meaneth thou hast done something wrong, and thou shalt have to start all over again…
‘But if ye did this right, the goat shalt vomit up a blue substance which thou must eateth in no more than ten seconds. Don’t worry, for the hallucinations shouldst stop after a day or two…
‘If thou doeth these things, thou shalt attain lost knowledge that wilt help thee…’ (props Little Miss 1565/Offspring)
‘But beware: if thou maketh even one mistake, heaven knoweth who or what the hell thou shalt awaken as. Go forth, not fifth, or thou shalt be last, RJ…’
And so RJ didst do as the Demigoddess of Hondo commanded him.
Unfortunately, he didst make a mistake, and didst awaken as Rat Boy. And so Rat Boy didst do as the Demigoddess of Hondo commanded him. But it didst take him several more mistakes to get back to his original self. And when it was all over, he didst write down all that he didst see in his visions.
And these were the writings of RJ, the Assistant God of Hondo:
‘Congratulations on thy purchase of the Thing with the Stuff! This amazing item shalt be more useful than any ten things thou owneth, more helpful even than thy towel. Thou art truly lucky to possess it.
‘Instructions: Thou shalt inserteth Tab A into Slot B (see thee Figure C-4). Then thou shalt install the dilithium power unit and turneth the key on the back three times (see thee Figure F-0). The number of times thou shalt turn the key shalt not be one, nor shalt it be two; nor shalt it be four or five; only three times shalt thou turn it, lest great and terrible things shouldst happen…
‘If thou doth desire to read the rest of this manual, thou must taketh a mummified cat and—’
‘What art thou reading?’ asked Fuct the Politically Correct Faerie. ‘Hey! This is totally inappropriate for thou to readeth!’
And she didst take a Zippo lighter and didst burn the Instruction Manual for the Thing with the Stuff (Abridged).
‘Great!’ quoth RJ. ‘Now I hath to start all over again!’
‘Surely the rod up her ass hath a rod up its ass,’ quoth McBean.
And it came to pass whilst they were fighting over the Instruction Manual, that a piece of it didst tear off and light Myles’ hair.
‘Ding-dong doodly damn!’ cried Myles the Unbeliever as he didst dance around, for his blue hair dye didst burn really hot.
‘Oh shit!’ quoth Casey. ‘The Unbeliever hath uttered a curse.’
‘D’oh!’ quoth Myles. ‘Um, I mean I don’t believe it!’
‘What is wrong with ye people?’ cried Fuct. ‘Why must thou always curse and swear? Why must thou always be doing these retarded things? Why canst thou not conform?’
And the Dudes didst shrug their shoulders.
And Adria didst prophesy: ‘And a time shall come when the Little Black Box canst not be found. And the people shall say, “Here cometh the fortune cookies! Here cometh the fortune cookies! They art wearing paper hats!” For the return of Bob the Kiwi shalt mark the end of the world of men…’
‘Woo-hoo!’ cried Jennifer. ‘Gimme a big hell yeah! Testify!’
‘Jennifer!’ snapped Fuct.
‘…In the Eighth Hour of the Eighth Day of the Eighth Month of the Eighth Year, a goat shalt sneeze… and it will be good. The chicken shalt get the rebound and keep playing. Of all the minutes that were taken away, will thy watch be waiting? Biteth the wax tadpole, for drinking Pepsi shalt bring back thine ancestors!’
And so Fuct didst give the Dudes a long lecture about performing rituals with chickens, digging in cemeteries, and listening to devil-music.
Meanwhile, Scoot had trained for many days under the watchful eye of Kungfucius. Once he hit the books, he had read from the Lost Chapters, the Missing Pages.
‘Master thy power thou must,’ quoth Kungfucius, ‘or master thee thy power shalt.’
‘Wow!’ quoth Scoot, ‘I’m hitting the books at a college level!’
For the books were indeed hard targets, but after playing Brockian Ultra-Cricket with them for many days, he had reached into new mental realms, and didst completely trash Kungfucius’ attic.
‘Thy kicks pack quite a punch, but giveth thy punches more kick, thou must,’ quoth Kungfucius.
‘I wonder how Nori is doing…’ quoth Scoot, for in his quantemplations he had seen Nori running her errand in Faerie Land.
‘Concentrate!’ quoth Kungfucius. ‘Concentrate thou must!’
As Scoot doth continue his training with Kungfucius, Nori hath almost finished her mysterious errand in Faerie Land. Wilt Nori return in time to help the Dudes? Canst she finish her errand? Find out in the next fistagonal chapter of the Book of Hondo!
Sign up to rate and review this story