Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo
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Thou art reading the Book of Hondo. Now back to the story:
At long last, Scoot didst finally reach the court where the Dudes were being tried unfairly by the minions of The Man. He had passed through a wave of strange traps on his way into the eerily empty town, all brought on by a mysterious force he couldst not put his finger on.
Now he stood before the guards at the door, and he had run out of ideas. So Scoot didst pop a Mentos to maketh himself fresh…
And it came to pass that Nori the Cursing Faerie didst finally return from her mysterious errand to find that the Dudes were being tried by the minions of The Man.
But the doors were locked, and no one wouldst let her in.
‘This locked door is no match for me!’ cried she. ‘I shall curse it off its stupid, dumbshit, goddam, motherfucking hinges!’
And she didst curse at it with all her might until it didst fall off its stupid, dumbshit, goddam, motherfucking hinges.
And so she didst enter the courtroom to find the Bailiff reading charges. And these were the charged leveled against the Dudes:
‘…Defying the Laws of Thermodynamics, Carrying a Concealed Buttplate, Corrupting the Youth, First Degree Homicide for the murder of the Sheriff—’
‘My ass!’ cried Nori. ‘For the pig didst have a fucking heart attack before the battle even started! Just getting off his fat ass was too much for him!’
‘Dost thou ever knock?’ demanded the Judge.
‘I’m a barger, not a knocker.’
‘Where is Scoot the Ko’An?’ demanded the Judge. ‘Where is he hiding?’
‘Ha!’ cried Nori. ‘Scoot wouldst never hide from the likes of thee! He’ll get here! And when he doth, he shall show thee what a fucking coward thou art!’
‘Whatever…’ quoth the Judge.
And the Bailiff didst resume the reading of charges:
‘Disturbing the Peace, Resisting Arrest, Possession…’
‘That stuff wasn’t mine!’ cried the High Priestess Jennifer.
‘…Stealing Government Property, Reckless Driving, Indecent Exposure, Medical Fraud, Crossdressing Without a License, Tax Avoision, and Overtime Parking.’
‘Hast the Imperial Magistrate reached a verdict?’ quoth the Prosecutor. ‘Guilty or Innocent?’
And in the Hour of Worrying, an old man didst barge into the courtroom wearing robes and a beard shouting, ‘Let my people go!’
‘Who the hell art thou?’ cried the Judge.
‘Yo, the Scootly One is in the house, y’all!’ cried Nori.
And Scoot didst tear away the fake beard, saying unto them, ‘I am indeed Scoot the Ko’An, the Ass-Kickin’ Apostle, and I come bearing a message. Sayeth the Gods of Hondo: “Let my people go!” ’
‘And dost thou really expecteth me to just hand these criminals over to a wanted man?’ quoth the Judge.
‘At least I don’t parade around in my bathrobe carrying a hammer,’ quoth Scoot. For he was still wearing his Gi from training with Kungfucius.
And there was much laughter.
‘Order in the court!’ cried the Judge. ‘Order sayeth I!’
‘I shall have a Vodka Martini—’ quoth Scoot, ‘Shaken not stirred.’
‘I repeat,’ quoth the Prosecutor, ‘Hast the Imperial Magistrate reached a verdict? Guilty or innocent?’
‘Hey, dumbass!’ quoth Scoot. ‘I challenge thee!’
‘Thou art too late,’ quoth the Prosecutor. ‘Thou canst not change things ex post facto.’
‘What didst thou sayeth?’ quoth Scoot. ‘I am afraid I never learned to speak thy tongue.’
‘And, which tongue, pray tell, wouldst that be?’
‘The Forked one, of course.’
‘Ha!’ cried the Prosecutor. ‘Thou art no match for my legal mumbo-jumbo!’
‘Fuck the bullshit! ’Tis time to throw down!’ cried Scoot. And he didst throw down his staff, and it didst turn into a snappy defense lawyer.
And after a short, harsh debate which no one else couldst understand, Scoot’s lawyer didst defeat the Prosecutor.
‘Thou hast a very competent staff, Scoot…’ quoth the Judge.
‘Yes, yes,’ quoth the Bailiff, ‘but hast the Imperial Magistrate reached a verdict? Guilty or innocent?’
‘Innocent…’ quoth the Judge. ‘Feed them to the Kreeblies!’
‘I canst sum up my position on that matter with just one finger,’ quoth Scoot.
Which Nori didst demonstrate for him.
‘Let my people go!’
‘Never!’ cried the Judge.
And both lawyers didst turn into staves, and Scoot and the Judge didst fight a duel. And Scoot didst bust out some kung fu action on his ass.
‘How didst he become so hardcore?’ quoth the Judge. ‘He shouldst be no match for me…’
‘Thou hast forgotten the cardinal rule of combat,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for ’tis better to give than to receive.’
‘Thou hast no idea what thou’rt up against!’ cried the Judge, as he didst shatter, revealing a hooded figure with only one eye. ‘…Pay The Man!’
And that was when the Kreeblies didst swarm into the courtroom.
Hey! ’Tis I, Scoot! and in the next chapter of the Book of Hondo, I must find a way to beateth the System and save my friends. And what is it with this one-eyed man? Find out in the next weird-ass chapter of the Book of Hondo!
Thou art reading the Book of Hondo. Now back to the story:
At long last, Scoot didst finally reach the court where the Dudes were being tried unfairly by the minions of The Man. He had passed through a wave of strange traps on his way into the eerily empty town, all brought on by a mysterious force he couldst not put his finger on.
Now he stood before the guards at the door, and he had run out of ideas. So Scoot didst pop a Mentos to maketh himself fresh…
And it came to pass that Nori the Cursing Faerie didst finally return from her mysterious errand to find that the Dudes were being tried by the minions of The Man.
But the doors were locked, and no one wouldst let her in.
‘This locked door is no match for me!’ cried she. ‘I shall curse it off its stupid, dumbshit, goddam, motherfucking hinges!’
And she didst curse at it with all her might until it didst fall off its stupid, dumbshit, goddam, motherfucking hinges.
And so she didst enter the courtroom to find the Bailiff reading charges. And these were the charged leveled against the Dudes:
‘…Defying the Laws of Thermodynamics, Carrying a Concealed Buttplate, Corrupting the Youth, First Degree Homicide for the murder of the Sheriff—’
‘My ass!’ cried Nori. ‘For the pig didst have a fucking heart attack before the battle even started! Just getting off his fat ass was too much for him!’
‘Dost thou ever knock?’ demanded the Judge.
‘I’m a barger, not a knocker.’
‘Where is Scoot the Ko’An?’ demanded the Judge. ‘Where is he hiding?’
‘Ha!’ cried Nori. ‘Scoot wouldst never hide from the likes of thee! He’ll get here! And when he doth, he shall show thee what a fucking coward thou art!’
‘Whatever…’ quoth the Judge.
And the Bailiff didst resume the reading of charges:
‘Disturbing the Peace, Resisting Arrest, Possession…’
‘That stuff wasn’t mine!’ cried the High Priestess Jennifer.
‘…Stealing Government Property, Reckless Driving, Indecent Exposure, Medical Fraud, Crossdressing Without a License, Tax Avoision, and Overtime Parking.’
‘Hast the Imperial Magistrate reached a verdict?’ quoth the Prosecutor. ‘Guilty or Innocent?’
And in the Hour of Worrying, an old man didst barge into the courtroom wearing robes and a beard shouting, ‘Let my people go!’
‘Who the hell art thou?’ cried the Judge.
‘Yo, the Scootly One is in the house, y’all!’ cried Nori.
And Scoot didst tear away the fake beard, saying unto them, ‘I am indeed Scoot the Ko’An, the Ass-Kickin’ Apostle, and I come bearing a message. Sayeth the Gods of Hondo: “Let my people go!” ’
‘And dost thou really expecteth me to just hand these criminals over to a wanted man?’ quoth the Judge.
‘At least I don’t parade around in my bathrobe carrying a hammer,’ quoth Scoot. For he was still wearing his Gi from training with Kungfucius.
And there was much laughter.
‘Order in the court!’ cried the Judge. ‘Order sayeth I!’
‘I shall have a Vodka Martini—’ quoth Scoot, ‘Shaken not stirred.’
‘I repeat,’ quoth the Prosecutor, ‘Hast the Imperial Magistrate reached a verdict? Guilty or innocent?’
‘Hey, dumbass!’ quoth Scoot. ‘I challenge thee!’
‘Thou art too late,’ quoth the Prosecutor. ‘Thou canst not change things ex post facto.’
‘What didst thou sayeth?’ quoth Scoot. ‘I am afraid I never learned to speak thy tongue.’
‘And, which tongue, pray tell, wouldst that be?’
‘The Forked one, of course.’
‘Ha!’ cried the Prosecutor. ‘Thou art no match for my legal mumbo-jumbo!’
‘Fuck the bullshit! ’Tis time to throw down!’ cried Scoot. And he didst throw down his staff, and it didst turn into a snappy defense lawyer.
And after a short, harsh debate which no one else couldst understand, Scoot’s lawyer didst defeat the Prosecutor.
‘Thou hast a very competent staff, Scoot…’ quoth the Judge.
‘Yes, yes,’ quoth the Bailiff, ‘but hast the Imperial Magistrate reached a verdict? Guilty or innocent?’
‘Innocent…’ quoth the Judge. ‘Feed them to the Kreeblies!’
‘I canst sum up my position on that matter with just one finger,’ quoth Scoot.
Which Nori didst demonstrate for him.
‘Let my people go!’
‘Never!’ cried the Judge.
And both lawyers didst turn into staves, and Scoot and the Judge didst fight a duel. And Scoot didst bust out some kung fu action on his ass.
‘How didst he become so hardcore?’ quoth the Judge. ‘He shouldst be no match for me…’
‘Thou hast forgotten the cardinal rule of combat,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for ’tis better to give than to receive.’
‘Thou hast no idea what thou’rt up against!’ cried the Judge, as he didst shatter, revealing a hooded figure with only one eye. ‘…Pay The Man!’
And that was when the Kreeblies didst swarm into the courtroom.
Hey! ’Tis I, Scoot! and in the next chapter of the Book of Hondo, I must find a way to beateth the System and save my friends. And what is it with this one-eyed man? Find out in the next weird-ass chapter of the Book of Hondo!
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