FicWad

Lucius bit his lip hard and his eyes got really cold and masked for a few seconds. It reminded me of the Lucius who had use to ignore me and taunt me. Feeling scared that I might be losing the Lucius I loved nearly, I reached out and put a hand onto his knee without even thinking about it. Looking at him nervous and wondering if perhaps I had said something wrong, I asked, "Hey, is something wrong? You don't look too good. You're not angry at me, are you?"

The mask over Lucius' eyes slowly dissolved and when he looked back at me, his eyes were filled with emotion. Taking a deep breath, he started, "I really don't think you get it. Can't you see how severe this is?" Severe? What was severe? Just because I didn't eat all three meals didn't mean I was in a "severe" situation. I frowned.

"Okay, obviously not," Lucius answered his own question in an irritable voice. "I guess I'll have to explain it to you then, hm? You see, fainting spells are not at all a good sign. People faint when they don't have enough energy to get through the day. Their bodies break down and can't function in a conscious state. Do you know what the next step is?"

I didn't think I really wanted to know what the next step was. I couldn't tell if Lucius was trying to scare me or what he was trying to accomplish exactly. Giving him a wary look, I slowly shook my head. Lucius went on and tried not to let any emotion show in his voice as he said, "Death, Cissa. That's what's next. Your body can't function anymore if you don't eat. Eventually, your heart doesn't have enough energy to keep beating and it just kind of stops."

"Okay, okay, okay," I said quickly before Lucius could go on. He was really starting to freak me out with all this death talk. The last thing I wanted to talk about right now was death. I would much rather talk about our relationship or something happy. There were too many dark things going on in life as it was.

"Sorry," Lucius said apologetically. Leaning forward, he said, "I don't want to scare you. I don't want you to die though. That should be obvious to you by now. I love you." Those three little words made my heart go soaring and my mind went spinning. Lucius loved me! He really said that he did! And guess what? I totally believed him.

"Narcissa?" Lucius interrupted my thoughts, obviously waiting for some sort of response from me. Returning rather reluctantly back to the situation at hand, I said, "Oh, sorry. I was just...um...thinking about something. But anyways, no offense or anything, but I think you're being slightly paranoid. I'm not skinny or near death. I'm still fat. I mean seriously, look at me!"

When I looked at myself, all I could see was a fat, ugly girl. The image haunted me day and night and I knew I would do whatever it took to become beautiful one day. Unfortuantely, Lucius didn't share my same perspective. He was looking at me with an incredulous look. That was something for Lucius since he didn't usually show many emotions. Wanting to know what he was thinking, I tilted my head at him and asked, "What?"

Still wearing that look of incredulity on his face, Lucius said, "Your brain is really fucked up." Oh, now wasn't that nice? My eyebrows came together in confusion and my lip started trembling automatically. This was the kind of thing I hated from Lucius. Sometimes he could be really nice, but there were random times when he said things that really didn't need to be seen.

Not noticing that I was tearing up, Lucius continued, "You don't see yourself the way other people see you." Lucius reached out his hand and ran it down the side of my body. Sparks immediately went flying and I found that I was paralyzed from his touch for a few moments. Lucius didn't keep his hand on me though. He pulled it away after only a few seconds and then told me, "Look, I can feel your ribs. You're too skinny. Guys aren't suppose to be able to feel girls' ribs. And not like it matters or anything, but you have the smallest tits I've ever seen for someone your age."

I blushed as my lip continued to tremble. Talking with Lucius about my body wasn't exactly a conversation I had been wanting to have. He was only proving my point really. I was never good enough. Nobody thought I was beautiful, not even Lucius (and he was suppose to love me, right?)! Fuck, what was I suppose to do now? It wasn't like I could make my breasts grow exactly.

Finally, Lucius noticed my trembling lip and my eyes that were filling with tears. He immediately looked at me with concern and leaned down to stroke my hair off my face as he said, "Oh god, I didn't mean to make you upset. Don't cry, Cissa. It'll be alright. Just let me take your pain away. Just trust me and everything will be alright."

Lucius' words really sounded just too good to be true. I wanted to give my pain away so much, and yet, I was scared to give it away. What would happen to me if I stopped worrying about my body and what I looked like? What would happen to me if I did start eating again? I would surely get fat, right? A million questions started spinning in my brain.

Before I could spit out all of my questions to Lucius, he leaned down over my prone figure and kissed my lips firmly with his. At Lucius' kiss, my lips stopped trembling and my heart started racing instead. I slid my arms out from underneath the covers and wrapped my arms around Lucius' neck. Our kiss lengthened until Lucius was taking my lips in and out of his mouth with a passion that I still can't explain to this day. The feeling of our kiss was perfect. It was so magical. And then...

It stopped. As if he had done something wrong, Lucius quickly broke away from me and recollected himself. He tucked a strand of whitish blonde hair behind an ear and then looked at the floor. I didn't get why Lucius found these kisses and signs of affection to be so awkward. The feeling they gave me was exhilarating. Did he not feel the same way?

Totally forgetting about our earlier conversation, I asked a question that had been bugging me for a while, "What is it, Lucius?" Lucius looked back up from where he had been intently studying the design of the floor and cocked an eyebrow at me, "Hm? I'm not exactly sure what you mean, Narcissa."

Oh shit, he was even calling me "Narcissa" versus "Cissa". I had to figure out what was going on here. Narrowing my eyebrows at him, I said, "Am I really that awful to kiss? It's like you can't stand touching me. Whenever you kiss me or hug me or something, you always pull back into your shell afterwards and you get all formal with me. Was it that, Lucius? Tell me why. Do you really love me? If you don't, you can just tell me. I suppose Nat was probably a way better kisser than me..."

"Oh come on," Lucius said with a roll of his eyes. "Please don't tell me you're still thinking about Natasha! She's been out of my life for ages now, but you act like I broke up with her yesterday. I never loved Nat in the way I love you. You're different from her. Like I said, Natasha just wanted sex and you want something more than that."

It was nice to be reassured that Lucius didn't have any feelings left for Natasha, but I wasn't exactly appreciating how he kept evading my question. Determined to get an answer whether he liked it or not, I pressed onwards, "Okay then, that doesn't answer my question though. Why do you act all weird around me when we kiss and stuff?"

Lucius looked uncomfortable for a moment and abruptly stood up and pretended to look up at the clock as he said, "Oh shit, look at the time. I should be getting to...um...Transfiguration now." Before Lucius could run away, I grabbed his hand and yanked him right back down to the chair. Lucius never had Transfiguration on Mondays. His lesson was on Tuesday. His little Transfiguration excuse was just to get him out of the room and away from me.

Narrowing my eyes at him, I replied, "Hey, don't you think I know your schedule by now? You don't have Transfiguration today. I know that. You're just trying to avoid me. Look, if I did something or if I just totally suck at making out, all you have to do is tell me, okay? I won't be hurt or anything. It's not like I ever took kissing lessons or anything."

"It's not that!" Lucius said, looking kind of flushed and bothered. I wasn't about to let the subject drop though. Once I was interested in something, I didn't lose interest in it for quite a while. Narrowing my eyes at Lucius, I said in an irate tone, "Well for god's sake, what is it then? We're suppose to tell each other everything, remember? I told you about Walden. It's not easy for me to talk about him. You would know that. Right now, all I'm doing is asking you a simple question and you can't even seem to answer it."

"Fine!" Lucius said a little louder than necessary. His response immediately quieted me down. Still lying on my back, I looked up at him and waited for his answer. Taking a deep breath, Lucius said all in a rush, "I have no idea how much control I have when I'm around you, Cissa. I don't want to push it too far and then ruin us forever."

Oh no, Lucius was worried about staying in control. That figured. Lucius always wanted to be in control of everything and anything. Deep inside, I wish he would just give up the control. I mean, I wouldn't mind going a little farther with him when I felt better. Fluttering my eyelashes at him, I said, "You have a lot of control. And Lucius? You would never ruin us. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone else. What do you mean by pushing it too far? You're not pushing me into anything."

Lucius was still looking pretty flushed and awkward. I could tell he wanted this conversation done as soon as possible. Finally, he looked up at me and explained, "I'm not pushing you yet. That doesn't mean I can't and won't though. I don't want to lose control over myself like Walden did with you. I never want you to think of me in the same way as you think of him."

Huh? Lucius was getting way off the track here. He and Walden were in two completely separate books in my mind. Walden was like the devil sent to stalk me from hell whereas Lucius was like my glorious angel from heaven. The devil and the angels just don't mix. Surely Lucius knew that! I took another look at his confused expression and decided apparently not.

Figuring I'd better explain my reasoning, I said, "Hey, you and Walden are two very different people. Walden tried to rape me, Lucius. All he wanted was to cause me pain. I know you would never intentionally want to cause me pain. Besides, it's not like you want to do to me what Walden attempted anyways, right?"

I expected an immediate answer from Lucius, so I was kind of surprised when he didn't answer for a few moments. I didn't get it. Of course Lucius didn't want to rape me...right? God, this was so confusing! What did guys have to be so hard to figure out? It's weird because guys always say girls are impossible to figure out, but its really the guys with the issues.

Annoyed that Lucius wasn't answering me, I asked in a voice of confusion, "Okay, what the hell, Lucius? I'm not getting this at all. You don't want to rape me, right?" I knew he didn't want to; I just asked the question to try to figure out what he was thinking. After all, if Lucius had wanted to rape me, he would've done that a long time ago. We had certainly been alone on enough occasions that it would've been a fairly easy thing for him to do.

"No...I don't want to rape you exactly..." Lucius started out awkwardly, turning even brighter pink. It was funny to see Lucius' cheeks pink. It clashed tremendously with his pale skin and whitish-blonde hair. I waited for Lucius to finish the sentence, but he just let it trail off. Frowning, I continued it for him, "So what is it you want to do exactly then?"

Lucius gave me a dirty look and snapped, "Oh god, Cissa. Do we really need to keep talking about this? Let's talk about...I dunno...something else perhaps?" Lucius gave me a hopeful smile, but no way was I going to be done with this conversation at this point. I was going to get my answers even if it was a hell of a lot of trouble to do so.