FicWad

I was in a pretty good mood the rest of the week. I was more than glad that Lucius had relented and had agreed to have sex with me if that was what I really wanted. Nonetheless, now I was kind of chickening out. Was sex really what I wanted? Maybe Lucius was right. Maybe we should wait. What if it did tear people apart?

Today was Saturday and we were finally allowed to sleep in. It was very late morning by now, but I didn't feel like getting up. I was really quite tired for only god knows why reasons. I shouldn't be so exhausted. I had even gone to bed early last night. Nevertheless, here I was still lounging around in bed and not looking like I was going to get up anytime in the imminent future.
As I lay resting in the bed, I kept thinking about the sex thing. I remembered what Lucius had said about sex being embarrassing. I hadn't thought of it that way before, but maybe he was right about that. I didn't look good naked in my opinion at all. I was still fat even though I had continued to restrict my food and eat as little as possible just to stay upright throughout the day. Yeah, my body was certainly something to be embarrassed about. It didn't help that Lucius was probably flawless and gorgeous.

I bit my lip and tried to think what to do about this. We probably should wait. I didn't feel ready for this. Besides, sex hurt, didn't it? I didn't need any more pain than I already had to deal with. The more and more I thought about it, the more and more I thought that we should wait. The main thing influencing my decision was what my body looked like. I just couldn't stand Lucius to see me for what I really was. Covered up under the dress and robes, I didn't look that awful. But stripped down? That was another story.

Torn between difficult decisions, I was much too absorbed in my own thoughts to hear someone come up from behind me. A soft, rather quiet and timid voice called out my name, "Hi Narcissa. I think you and me are the only people in here. Can I sit by you?" I jerked my head upwards and tried to get out of my sex daydream.

Standing above me was Natasha. She still had on a black lacy nightgown that literally screamed for sex, but besides for that, she just looked like a normal girl. Her blonde hair was slightly disheveled and she looked like she had just gotten out of bed. The strangest thing was that she was actually smiling at me. Was there a possibility we could be friends in the near future?

Trying to hide my shock, I smiled warmly at Natasha and slid over so she could sit on the opposite side of my bed. Gesturing for her to take the spot next to me, I replied, "Of course you can sit there. You don't have to ask, you know. So how are you doing anyways? Did you sleep well?"

It wasn't the best way to start a conversation, but I hadn't ever been good with conversation starters. The answer to my question was pretty visible in Natasha's puffy, dark eyes. Nonetheless, Natasha continued to smile at me and said, "Yeah, I slept okay, thanks. I mean, I woke up a lot, but that's normal for me now. How about you? Did you sleep well?"

God, why the hell was Natasha being so nice to me? I just did so not get it. One minute she hated me and the next she wanted to be friends. I was really hoping this was her real identity. Returning her smile cautiously, I replied, "I slept alright for the most part I guess. I've just had a lot of stuff on my mind lately. That's all."

Natasha raised an eyebrow at me and said in genuine interest, "Like what kind of stuff?" Before I could think about whether or not it was an appropriate reply, I said, "Sex." Natasha looked a little shocked by my words and I immediately blushed. I needed to start learning to think things through before I just blurted them out.

"Sorry about that," I quickly replied, face still burning. "You probably didn't need to hear about that." Natasha surprised me by laughing. Leaning back on one of my pillows, she replied, "No, it's totally okay. Every girl our age is allowed to have their own sex fantasies and dreams. Do you have questions about sex or anything? I might be able to help you out if you do."

Natasha's offer was really appealing. There were a lot of things I wanted to know about sex, but could I trust Nat? She was staring at me now with a friendly smile and clear, honest eyes. I decided to run the risk and tell her about my fears. Hesitating slightly, I turned truthfully to Nat and said, "I'm not sure if I should do it or not. It's so confusing. I mean, I want to, it's just that I'm scared."

Natasha nodded, "Yes, that's completely normal. All girls are scared for the first time that they have sex. I'm guessing you've never done it before. Am I right?" I nodded and blushed. I couldn't decide whether or not it was embarrassing to be a virgin. Giving Nat a sideways look, I asked, "You've had sex before, haven't you?"

Dark clouds seemed to fill Natasha's eyes and she literally seemed to droop before my eyes. Finally, she replied, "Yes. Yes, I have. Let's hope your first experience is better than mine was." A haunting look came into her face and I could see she was living some sort of awful memory from the past. I wasn't sure what it was, but I wanted to help her. Before I could say anything, Natasha shook her head in an attempt to rid herself of the memories before she continued, "Anyways, what are you most scared about?"

I thought about this. There were three main things that were scaring me. The first was what my relationship with Lucius would be like after we did it. Would it pull us closer together or would it drag us apart? I didn't want things to forever be awkward between us if we decided to go all the way. Secondly, I was more than a little bit scared of Lucius seeing me naked. I hated looking at my body. I didn't want Lucius to see me like that. And thirdly, I was a bit nervous about the pain.

I decided to start with my third question. At least that one seemed to have a rather straightforward. Looking Natasha in the eye, I asked nervously, "Does it hurt?" Natasha thought about this for a few seconds and changed sitting positions, bringing her knees up to her chest. Finally, she answered, "Well, it all depends really. It depends on the guy and whether he's gentle with you or rough with you. You'll probably bleed the first time as well. Not all girls do, but if the guy is skilled enough you will."

Blood? Bleeding? I had kind of forgot about that part. Okay, I was really starting to think that sex was a very bad idea now. No frigging way was I going to let Lucius watch me bleed. That would just be...not right. Besides, I wanted to try to act strong and in control in front of Lucius. I didn't want to look small, weak, and bloody in front of him.

Natasha laughed a light, fluttery laugh and smiled at me, "What are you thinking? You have this really funny expression on your face right now." In a rather indignant voice, I replied, "I'm thinking that no fucking way am I going to have a guy watch me bleed. That's just gross. He'll get all freaked out and stuff!"

Natasha put a reassuring a hand on my shoulder and shook her head, "No really, Narcissa, I'm sure that won't happen." I gave her a suspicious look. I wasn't sure if I believed her story. I mean, ew, no guy wants to see a girl bleed. Still seeing the doubt in my eyes, Natasha continued onwards, "I'm serious! Guys do know a thing or two about sex as well. They know what virgins bleed. Sometimes guys like it when that happens. It makes them feel special to be your first."

I contemplated this for a few minutes. I guess Natasha's reasoning made sense, but I still didn't think I wanted to bleed in front of Lucius. That would just be too embarrassing and it certainly wasn't in my comfort zone. Natasha continued onwards and looked at me questioningly, "So do you have any more questions? I'd be happy to answer them for you."

Deciding to let Natasha know my first and foremost fear, I admitted, "I'm worried about what things will be like after sex. I mean, what if it gets all awkward and we're always embarrassed to be around each other? Or what if he wants to break up with me after we do it and then he never wants anything to do with me again?"

My heart started beating rapidly at that thought. Lucius not wanting to have anything to do with me ever again was a horrible thought and one that I certainly didn't want to think about. Natasha tilted her head and said, "It really depends on the couple. I'm sure you'll be fine though. I'm guessing you're talking about Lucius, aren't you?"

I didn't say anything. I knew that Natasha had gone out with Lucius. Everyone from Slytherin knew that by now. I didn't want to burn down this small friendship that Natasha and I had started by talking about her ex-boyfriend. Surprisingly enough though, Natasha continued to speak, "It's alright, Narcissa. I'm not jealous at all anymore. You and Lucius make the perfect pair. I'm positive he would only love you more if you did have sex. Me? I don't even want a boyfriend at this point."

At first, I thought Nat was definitely lying. I mean, who doesn't want a boyfriend? Besides, there were more than just a few stories about all the one-night stands Slytherin guys had had with Natasha. They could be rumors like the one about Natasha having Lucius' baby, but who knew? However, once I looked into Natasha's face, I saw truth there. She definitely wasn't lying to me. Something had happened to her. Something was different. She was most certainly not the same girl I had first met when I came to Hogwarts.

More than anything, I wanted to know what had caused this change in her. I didn't dare ask though. Natasha and I still didn't know each other all that well yet and besides, you didn't just go up to them and ask why they were asking so different. That would just be kind of rude. Still though, I did have to ask about why she didn't want a boyfriend.

Trying not to sound overly interested, I questioned curiously, "Did you have a bad experience with your last boyfriend?" Natasha still looked as if there was a rain cloud hanging over her head when she finally replied, "Yes, you could say that." I waited for more, but that was all she said. Apparently, the subject of her previous boyfriend was off limits for now.

I opened my mouth to change the subject and get Nat back into a good mood, but before I could say something, the door to the dormitories clicked open. Natasha and I both jerked our heads towards the door to see who had just entered. Bellatrix was standing there with an odd expression on her face. There was a strange glow in her eyes and I couldn't tell what she was thinking.

Natasha sure didn't stick around to find out though. After one glance at the door, her eyes went wide with fear and she waved to me and said quietly, "I really ought to be going now. We'll talk more later I'm sure. In the meantime, think about what we talked about. If you decide to go for it, remember that I won't be mad at you."

I watched Natasha turn and flit quietly out the door and away from Bellatrix. I kind of felt like doing the same thing. Being alone with my sister right now was not a good idea. Following Nat's example, I got up and slipped off, avoiding my sister. Would Bellatrix and I ever make up? I wasn't sure, but now was not a good time to find out.

~ ~ ~ ~

The next few weeks passed by slowly. It was only two weeks until Christmas break now and I was really dreading it. Being cooped up in a house with my mother and Bellatrix would be pure torture! How was I suppose to stand it? I wished I could stay at Hogwarts over Christmas break. Some students did that. I wondered if I could ask my mother if I could do the same. It would probably be pointless though. No doubt my mom would need me to be home over Christmas.

It was snowing out today. I had spent the morning watching the snow flutter down outside the window. It was beautiful to watch. The little flakes danced and twirled as they made their way to the ground. I liked snow a lot even though I didn't like the cold. Hogwarts was very cold in the winter. I clutched my robe tightly to me as I wandered the corridors to my next class.

For some reason, I still hadn't gotten over that feeling of someone watching me. It felt like there were eyes on me at least half of the time. I was starting to think I was either going insane or that I was getting very paranoid. After all, whenever I turned around, there was nobody behind me. Strange, huh? I found it quite creepy.

I was hurrying off to Potions one morning when I felt something bash me in the leg. Stopping, I looked down to see what had hit me. A third-year's potion book was lying at my feet. Curiously, I picked it up and tried to stop wincing from the pain in my calf. Okay, the book hadn't really hit me all that hard, but for some reason, my body seemed very sore and tender lately.

Still not getting where the potion book had come from, I turned it over in my hands a few times and looked around me to see if someone had dropped it. Nobody paid any attention at all to me. They just grunted and worked their way around me to let me know that I was an obstacle in their way. Strange. Potions books didn't appear out of nowhere...did they? Suddenly, as I glanced around, I saw a small door to my left. Hm...it was a broom closet door...