Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo

Labors 13

by shadesmaclean 0 reviews

Mr C*ns*rsh*p

Category: Humor - Rating: R - Genres: Fantasy,Humor - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2010-12-06 - Updated: 2010-12-06 - 1078 words - Complete

And it came to pass that as the Dudes were wandering, as the Gods of Hondo had commanded them, that whilst trying to duct tape a cow to a tree branch, RJ and Booby didst lose their grip, causing it to fall and land on Nori’s foot.

‘Ow! Son of a biscuit-eater!’ cried she.

And the Dudes didst look at Nori very strangely.

‘Didst I really say that?’ quoth Nori the Cursing Faerie sheepishly, for she was as confusticated as the Dudes. ‘What the fudge is going on here?’

And she didst put her hand over her mouth, horrified that she might sayeth something else really lame sounding.

‘Ha-ha!’ quoth Yoco, as he didst laugh at her. ‘Thou canst not curse anymore and I still canst! See! Damn! Shit! F*! …huh!?

‘What the heck is going on around here?’ quoth Scoot, for he too had noticed that something was horribly amiss.

And all the Dudes didst try to curse, but all that came forth from their mouths were a bunch of weak-sounding Turner Redneck Movie substitutes for that which they really meant to sayeth.

‘Of all the stupid, #$%in’ $#%< !’ cried Nori. ‘ ##%%$#&@&$#%*#$ %#$*#!!!! And ye better believe it!’

And she didst try to giveth the heavens the finger, only to discovereth that her hand didst pixelize.

‘Verily I say, someone is putting words in our mouths,’ quoth Brian Fritz Skanky-moo!.

And it came to pass that the God of S*, no, I mean S*** (for it seemed that not even the Gods themselves were able to curse now) appeared before the Dudes as the Mexican Goat-Sucker of Sri Lanka, and said unto them: ‘Hail, Dudes! A terrible new evil hath emerged and he calleth himself Mr Censorship. He hath stolen a V-Chip for Reality, which Dr Färtnøkker hath invented, and the stranger hath challenged thee to destroy it.

‘Thou must defeateth Mr Censorship, or else we art all doomed to put up with this boinked-up reality. Darnit!’

And the God of Darnit appeared before them as an inanimate carbon rod and said unto them: ‘Please hurry thee up, Dudes. Kicketh Mr Censorship’s butt for us! This is really irking me off!’

And the Gods of Hondo vanished from their midst, and the Dudes didst set out to defeat Mr Censorship and to destroyeth his Reality V-Chip.

‘Wait thee up!’ cried Brian Fritz Skanky-Moo!. ‘I have to go push.’

‘What?’ quoth Nori.

‘I wouldst say I have to go take a [flatulent noise],’ quoth he, ‘but no one wouldst understand me.’

‘Trust me, their censorship doth not change a boink!ing thing,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Anyone who hath gone to public schools, hath parents, or doth not bow to the self-righteous whims of Teddy Turner, or that moo! Jane Fonda, wilt know what thou sayeth.’

‘Heck yeah!’ cried Nori. ‘For that squawk! is really irking me off! I canst not sayeth a darn thing right! The loss of one’s middle finger canst greatly hinder one’s ability to communicateth, and he shall boink!ing pay for this!’

And do the Dudes didst go forth to find Mr Censorship. And they didst quickly discover that the closer they got to the V-Chip, the more heavily censored Reality became.

And it came to pass that the Dudes didst find Mr Censorship’s secret laboratory, and didst enter therein.

And the Dudes came unto the heart of Mr Censorship’s hideout, a vast, dark chamber.

And there Mr Censorship didst appear before them as a colossal Soccer Mom, and said unto them: ‘I am the great and powerful Mr Censorship! Ye who opposeth me shalt be crushed like little bugs!’

‘Kisseth my shiny metal butt!’ cried RJ as he didst moon for a rebuttal with the Hyper-X Buttplate, and all the Dudes didst moon the Soccer Mom, but their butts didst all pixelize.

And so RJ didst blow the Great and terrible Soccer Mom away.

And in its place there appeared the ghost of Cotton Mather.

‘Thou hast stunted my vocabulary!’ cried Nori, and she didst throw her Faerie pixie dust at the apparition, and it didst turn into a book, a bell and a candle.

And these things didst turn into Chuck Norris.

‘Ha!’ quoth Mr Censorship, ‘now I have taken on my final and ultimate form! Thou’rt no match for me!’

And Scoot didst power up and attack, but Mr Censorship didst have the power of Chuck Norris, whose scriptwriters never alloweth him to lose, and he didst beat Scoot severely.

Boink! thee!’ quoth Scoot, for he had discovered that though he was being beaten, there was no blood or pain in Mr Censorship’s new reality. ‘All thy cheesy, Chuck Norris-style violence is useless! Let’s go, Dudes! Together, we canst overcome this washed-up action hero!’

And it came to pass that Scoot was wrong. For though Chuck Norris was past his prime, those who didst write the script were still on his side, and even all the Dudes put together were no match for him in their free-for-all brawl.

‘Yo! Hey dumbhee-haw!s! Over here!’ cried Nori, for she had seen a curtain on the far side of the chamber, and there was a man behind it.

‘Pay thee no attention to the man behind the curtain!’ quoth Mr Censorship. ‘Thy battle is with me!’

But Nori didst remove the curtain and didst reveal the real Mr Censorship to be a scrawny little computer geek.

‘Well, if it isn’t Mr Fancy-Pants!’ quoth Scoot, and he didst fire an energy bolt at the computer behind the curtain, and the apparition of Chuck Norris didst pixelize out of existence.

‘That’s unconstitutional!’ cried Mr Censorship.

Thou’rt unconstitutional!’ quoth Scoot, and with one final blow from the HeckRazor didst the Butt-Kickin’ Apostle restoreth Reality to its normal state.

‘Sound test!’ cried Yoco.

‘Damn! Shit! Fuck! Bitch! Whore! Pussy! Ass! Cunt! Gun! Pot! Bastard! Tits! Dick!’ cried Nori, and she didst give the world the finger, and it didst not pixelize. And so she finished triumphantly, saying, ‘Belgium!’

And it came to pass that Oreamnos Americanus’ ears didst bleed, and it was good.

‘Freedom!’ cried Scoot ‘Freedom! Yeah right!’

And so the Dudes went forth and had a great Riverdance to celebrate their fuckin’ awesome victory against Mr Censorship, and they didst moon and flippeth off everyone they met, so zealous were they about their restored freedom to live in an uncensored Reality.
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