Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo
And it came to pass that as the Dudes were running around making obscene gestures at people, and the grateful people were making equally obscene gestures at them, that the Gods of Hondo appeared before them as a two-headed Plumed Serpent, and said unto them: ‘Hail Dudes! And a big fuckin’ Hell Yeah! For thou hast saved all or Reality from a fate worse than the Rosy O’Donnell Show.
‘The stranger hath been waiting to show thee thy final and most difficult labor. This one shall challenge thee in ways which art utterly mind-boggling.’
And the Gods of Hondo didst transport the Dudes to a room. For there were no doors or windows in the room, nor any other means by which it couldst be exited.
‘Thou must findeth a way to exit this room,’ spake the God of Hamster Cock. ‘Thou hast one hour to solve the stranger’s riddle.’
‘Or else…’ spake the God of Nipples.
And so the Gods of Hondo didst vanish from their midst, and the Dudes were left alone to solve the puzzle, for all that was in the room was a mirror and a table.
‘This is simple,’ quoth RJ, and he didst use the Hyper-X Buttplate against the walls.
But ’twas no use, as the walls, floor, and even the ceiling were too thick to blast.
‘How shall we do this?’ quoth Scoot, and he didst quantemplate.
But even Nori couldst not think of a way out of the stranger’s room.
And it came to pass that the Dudes didst become desperate as time was running out.
‘There is no way we canst do this,’ quoth Oreamnos Americanus.
‘Wait a minute!’ quoth Casey in a stroke of brilliance. ‘I knoweth this one!’
‘ ’Tis nice to know thou knoweth something,’ quoth Nori.
And the Dudes didst laugh at him.
And Casey didst look in the mirror to see what he saw. He didst use the saw to cutteth the table in half. Two halves maketh a whole, and he didst crawl out the hole. And the Dudes didst follow after him.
‘Well, that was rather anti-climactic,’ quoth Nori.
And there was much rejoicing.
‘Yes!’ cried Scoot. ‘We have won the bet and beaten all of the stranger’s challenges! Now we canst all go home!’
And so the Dudes didst all go home to await the return of the Gods of Hondo, and any tidings of their bet with the stranger.
‘The stranger hath been waiting to show thee thy final and most difficult labor. This one shall challenge thee in ways which art utterly mind-boggling.’
And the Gods of Hondo didst transport the Dudes to a room. For there were no doors or windows in the room, nor any other means by which it couldst be exited.
‘Thou must findeth a way to exit this room,’ spake the God of Hamster Cock. ‘Thou hast one hour to solve the stranger’s riddle.’
‘Or else…’ spake the God of Nipples.
And so the Gods of Hondo didst vanish from their midst, and the Dudes were left alone to solve the puzzle, for all that was in the room was a mirror and a table.
‘This is simple,’ quoth RJ, and he didst use the Hyper-X Buttplate against the walls.
But ’twas no use, as the walls, floor, and even the ceiling were too thick to blast.
‘How shall we do this?’ quoth Scoot, and he didst quantemplate.
But even Nori couldst not think of a way out of the stranger’s room.
And it came to pass that the Dudes didst become desperate as time was running out.
‘There is no way we canst do this,’ quoth Oreamnos Americanus.
‘Wait a minute!’ quoth Casey in a stroke of brilliance. ‘I knoweth this one!’
‘ ’Tis nice to know thou knoweth something,’ quoth Nori.
And the Dudes didst laugh at him.
And Casey didst look in the mirror to see what he saw. He didst use the saw to cutteth the table in half. Two halves maketh a whole, and he didst crawl out the hole. And the Dudes didst follow after him.
‘Well, that was rather anti-climactic,’ quoth Nori.
And there was much rejoicing.
‘Yes!’ cried Scoot. ‘We have won the bet and beaten all of the stranger’s challenges! Now we canst all go home!’
And so the Dudes didst all go home to await the return of the Gods of Hondo, and any tidings of their bet with the stranger.
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