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Deciding that I should at least make an effort to pretend that I was eating, I reluctantly grabbed the nearest bowl near me and brought it towards my plate. Looking inside, I found it was some kind of chili with corn bread on it for a crust. My stomach flip flopped and I had a sudden impulse to puke. Somehow, I managed not to puke and instead flopped a lump of the mush onto my plate.

The smell of the chili was killing me so I quickly slid the bowl back into the center of the table. Luckily, nobody was noticing all the faces I was making at the food. That was a fortunate thing. After all, the last thing I needed was a million questions with Tom sitting right here across from me. As if he somehow knew I was thinking about him, Tom lifted his head at that moment and looked right at me.

As had happened before, quite a few recent memories went flitting through my mind. The vision of me saying goodbye to Natasha was brought to the front of my mind. However, before I could really dwell on it, Tom shoved it into the back of my mind and instead brought another memory to the front of my mind. This memory wasn't so pretty.

Lucius and I were all alone in the corridor. Oh god, I remembered this memory. This was the scene in which Walden had found Lucius and me going hot and heavy. Unsure of how to get out of this strange memory, I was forced to watch as Lucius ran his hand up my thigh and stroked the inside of my leg. Shit, this was definitely not a memory I wanted Tom to see.

Like before, as soon as Lucius touched my leg, Tom slammed the memory into the back of my brain and grabbed a new one. This time, I was with Severus. He had been telling me about Lily Evans and James Potter. I remembered this memory and to be honest, I didn't really mind if Tom watched this one. If he wanted to see Severus talking with me, that was totally okay.

Oh wait. I forgot about what happened in this memory. Flinching, I watched as I leaned forward and Severus leaned forward and we both shared one of those not-so-innocent kisses. My cheeks flamed bright red and I heard a low chuckle from across the table. I glared at Tom and was really considering throwing a spoonful of chili at him when my mother broke into my thoughts, "Narcissa?"

Not really wanting to see what she wanted, I lifted my head slightly and turned in her direction, "Yes, mother?" Giving me a strange look, she replied, "Why aren't you eating? You need to at least eat all that on your plate. I won't have you starving yourself." Oh shit. That was definitely not something I wanted to hear. Nevertheless, I had no choice but to say, "Mm hm."

I waited until Tom started up a conversation with my mom. Then I tried to hide some of the disgusting chili into my napkin. Unfortunately, my mom caught me in the act. Narrowing her eyes at me, she exclaimed, "What is up with you, child? I've never seen you do anything like that before. You need to eat. You won't be leaving the table until you finish all that's on your plate."

I had to eat everything on my plate? My eyes bulged and I gave my mom a no-fucking-way look. Instead, I choose my words a bit more carefully though, "I had a lot to eat earlier though. I'm not very hungry." My mom gave me a suspicious look and I had a good feeling that she didn't believe me. Regardless though, there was no way for her to know whether or not I was lying...right?

"Bellatrix, did Narcissa eat a lot at lunch or breakfast?" my mom asked with raised eyebrows. I clenched my hands into fists under the table. My mom made me look so pathetic. She didn't trust me, but she completely trusted my sister who was only a year older than me. Now how fair was that? Not fair at all in my opinion.

I would've hoped the Bellatrix would've helped me out in this situation. After all, we had just made up a little while ago. You'd think she could make an effort to be nice. Unfortunately, not. Bella gave me a distant look and replied, "Narcissa doesn't eat much anymore. I don't even think she ate breakfast or lunch, but that's not really any of my business."

Ugh, I felt like slapping her so much right now. If it wasn't any of her business, then she should've just kept her big mouth shut! Didn't she realize how much of a hypocrite she was being? As my mind whirled with anger towards my sister, my mom gave me a menacing look and said, "Start eating that chili now. I want it gone by ten minutes. Don't make me shovel it down your throat myself."

Panicking, I felt another anxiety attack coming on. My temperature soared, beads of sweat formed on my forehead, and my hands started trembling under the table. Feeling really sick just thinking about the prospect of eating, I replied rather desperately, "But I can't eat all that! I'll gain a lot of weight and look fat. Besides, it hurts to eat."

Rolling her eyes at me, my mother replied, "It wouldn't exactly kill you to gain a few pounds, you know. You still look quite young. Maybe if you'd eat a little more you'd look like Bellatrix and have more curves and stuff. Who knows? You could be quite attractive. Maybe you could even manage to get a boyfriend at your school if you're lucky."

As usual, of course I was compared to my sister. Gritting my teeth together, I grabbed a dollop of the damned chili with my spoon and stuck it in my mouth. As soon as it was in there, I had the sudden impulse to spit it right back out. It tasted much to strong and it had a hard time going down my throat. I almost gagged and choked on it as I swallowed. It hurt so much that I even started crying. I didn't even mean to cry. It just sort of...happened.

Nobody was at all sympathetic to my tears. Bella gave me a disgusted look and Andromeda didn't meet my eyes. My mom wore almost the exact same expression as Bella on her face. Frowning, she replied, "Really, Narcissa, this is just plain embarrassing! You aren't a two-year-old who picks at their food and cries if they don't like the taste of it. Remember that we have company!"

Yeah, duh. Of course we had company. How the hell was I ever suppose to forget that Tom was around? I shot a glance in his direction. He was giving me an amused look at was smiling at the tears streaking down my face. He seemed to find it funny that it hurt me to eat. Not wanting to give anyone else the satisfaction of seeing me cry, I swallowed my tears and took another bite of that fucking chili. It was even harder to swallow this time. It felt like it got stuck somewhere in my throat and was preventing me to breath.

I couldn't help the tears now. It was too painful. I grimaced and winced as the food hit the pit of my stomach and churned around there slowly and painfully. It didn't help that everyone at the table appeared to be watching me. Why couldn't they just mind their own business or go back to talking about killing muggles or whatever?

Finally, my mom seemed to reach th esame decision as me. Looking towards Tom, Andromeda, and Bella, my mother suggested, "If you three are all done, you can be dismissed. I know you're all probably really tired and it couldn't hurt you to get some extra sleep. We have a busy week coming up and there's no need for you to be tired. Feel free to sleep in any of the guest bedrooms that you'd like, Tom. As long as you're here, you're part of this family too."

"Thank you very much, Mrs. Black," Tom said with a slight inclination of his head. "I appreciate all you're doing for me." Tom's slippery words made me want to puke even more than before. All his words were a lie. I wasn't quite sure what it was that Tom was hoping to achieve by staying here with us, but I knew he had to have a reason. Tom never acted on impulse.

Taking Tom's arm, Bella got up and strutted away with Tom. Her loud, cackling laughter filled the hall as she disappeared up the stairs. Andromeda got a up a little more slowly. Before she left, she did cast me a look of compassion. I couldn't meet her eyes. I felt humiliated, sick, and worthless compared to perfect Bella. I would never be good enough for my mother no matter what I achieved in life.

"See if you can hurry you and finish," my mom ordered snappily once the other three had left. "I don't have all day and this is really just plain silly. You've been an embarrassment to the family today." I didn't have the words to bother apologizing to her. It was hard enough just trying to shovel the sticky food down my throat. The more I ate, the harder it became to eat. My stomach felt like it was going to explode within me and I felt so huge and disgusting.

Finally, I somehow managed to get the last spoonful of food shoved down my throat. With eyes glazed over with pain, I looked over at my mom. I don't know what I expected from her. Maybe I was seeking praise. Unfortunately, that was certainly not the place to look for it. When mother saw that I was done, all she did was screw up her nose at me and say, "You really should've eaten more, you know. Oh well, I suppose we can work on that tomorrow. You're dismissed. Please do try to stay in control over yourself though. As I've said before, it's embarrassing to all of us when you cry in front of such a fine guest like Tom."

I clenched my hands into even tighter fists and dug my fingernails into my skin. I didn't think I could stand much more of this. My stomach was pulsating within me from way too much food, my head was swimming from all my mom's snide comments of how Bellatrix was better than me, and I was feeling all the anxiety from Tom being in our house come crashing down on me.

Before I could say something that I would seriously regret later or that would get me into more trouble, I rose from my chair and slipped away silently up the stairs to my bedroom. Each step was hard and I felt like I was a million pounds. Chest heaving and throat tight from repressed tears, I turned into my bedroom. I sat on my bed and tried to think of something to do. No way could I go to bed right now when it felt like my stomach was killing me.

After a few minutes, I decided to try and get rid of all the food. I sneakily slipped out of the door and crept across the hallway to the bathroom that Bellatrix and I shared. Luckily, Bella was not inside. I locked the door behind me once I was inside and then dared to take a glimpse of my reflection in the big mirror. That was a mistake.

I stared into the mirror at one of the ugliest girls that existed. Her cheeks were flaming red, her eyes were wild, mascara dripped down her face, her lips were chapped and cracked, and she looked fat. My god, was that person actually me? Of course it was. Who else would be staring back at me in the mirror? I was certainly alone here in the bathroom.

I suddenly had an impulse to do something rash. I didn't care what it was really, it just had to be something bad. Right now though, my main goal was to get rid of all the food that had just been stuffed inside of me. I dropped to my knees in front of the toilet and threw my head over it. Nothing happened. Shit. That meant I was actually going to have to use my fingers.

This new thought made me hesitate for a few minutes. I had never actually used my fingers before to try to make myself throw up. It couldn't be too hard though, could it? I mean, little kids did it all the time so that they wouldn't have to go to their classes. Taking a deep breath, I slipped my fingers down my throat and started to gag.

Before I could actually make myself throw up though, my lungs seemed to stop working. I couldn't breath. Sweat rolled down my cheeks and puddled before me. I forgot about trying to puke and flopped onto my side instead. All energy seemed to be drained from my body. I didn't seem to be able to move a muscle. Even though I was trying to gulp in air, it resisted and refused to enter my lungs.

I was sizzling too. My hands were clammy and sweaty and yet, I was shivering. What the hell? Pissed off at my mom for making me eat all this shitty food and causing me to have such a bad panic attack, I stumbled to my feet and threw my head under the sink as I turned the cold water on. The coolness felt good against my cheeks. Nevertheless, I still couldn't get rid of the heat that was like a blanket underneath my skin. It was trapped inside of me like the food I had just eaten and couldn't get out.

I sank to the ground once more and didn't bother to try to move. I simply couldn't move. There was too much pain, heat, and all I was really concerned about was breathing. As I laid on my side and continued to struggle for breath, I wondered if there really was something wrong with me. Everyone else in the world could eat a bowl of chili without getting so sick and having a panic attack. Maybe I was fucked up like everyone had thought. Maybe I was different and therefore inferior to other people. Yes, that had to be it.

That thought certainly didn't make me feel any better. If anything, it made me feel worse. Not for the first time, I wondered how the hell Lucius could even pretend to love someone like me. I didn't deserve him; I deserved no one. I didn't even deserve to live on this frigging planet. I was just a fat, stupid girl who had screwed up her whole life.

Nothing could comfort me. Nothing at all. I longed to be in Lucius' arms and for him to engulf me in an embrace and tell me that he still loved me and always would. I wanted to hear I meant something to him even if I didn't understand how that could be possible. My body longed for his touch and for him to stroke my special parts and whisper comforting words into my ear.

But of course, this was all just a daydream. Lucius was not here and he would not come. With that thought in my head, I slumped on the floor of the bathroom and cried myself to sleep.