Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo
…And it came to pass that one hundred years later, the Dudes didst walk past the great black stone monolith as lightning didst strike it, freeing Something.
‘Wow!’ cried Casey, ‘the lightning hath freed something!’
‘So, where the hell hast thou been all this time, Yoco?’ quoth Scoot.
‘Aaahhhhh! Air!’ cried Something as he didst take his first breath in one hundred years. ‘There art times when it doth suck to be immortal…’
‘How in the name of horse-shit didst thou come to be in that fucking stone monolith?’ quoth Nori.
‘Fuck off…’ quoth Something.
‘Lord Derrick is in charge, remember?’ quoth Scoot. ‘At this point, my friend, anything is possible…’
‘Hey, I’m starving!’ quoth Something, for he had not eaten in over a hundred years, and he was hungry enough to eat a horse.
‘Let us stop at the nearest tavern and haveth a bite,’ quoth Scoot.
And so the Dudes didst stop at the nearest tavern and didst eat everything in the place, (mostly a horse), and to celebrate the return of The Brian, Scoot didst lead the Dudes in a great Riverdance, and they didst run up the greatest damage bill ever.
And it came to pass on the road as the Dudes were on their way that a witch didst appear in a cloud of green smoke, for her broomstick had crashed.
‘Help!’ cried she, ‘I’ve fallen and I canst not get up!’
And Scoot didst give her a healing potion, and she said unto them, ‘I have had better… The Apothecary of Chinatown doth make a mean healing potion.’
‘Thou knoweth the Apothecary?’ quoth Scoot.
‘Arroint thee, bitch!’ quoth Nori. ‘After we helped thee, this is how thou talketh to us…’
‘Pay thee no attention to her,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for if thou canst tell us where we may find the Apothecary, we shall be forever in thy debt.’
And so she didst tell them the way unto Chinatown, and the Dudes set out. When they came unto Chinatown, they didst ask around, for the Guru had said unto them: ‘Go thee to Chinatown. Asketh for the Apothecary; he shall help thee.’
And after asking around, the Dudes didst find the Apothecary, and they came unto his mysterious, dimly lit shop.
‘I am Scoot the Ko’An,’ quoth Scoot the Ko’An, ‘and these art the Dudes. We are come to ask thee if there is any way we canst restore the God of All Things 100% Colombian.’
‘The Guru hath told me of thy plight,’ quoth the Apothecary, ‘and I may have a way to help thee.’
‘Wow!’ quoth Casey. ‘The Guru! Through telepathy?’
‘No, he didst e-mail me,’ quoth the Apothecary. ‘Now, in order to restoreth the God of Taser-Taser Kindergarten Nap-Nap Time, thou must tell Lord Derrick to drink of this potion which I have prepared whilst thou wert on thy way. Then he must say the words Incanis Corporae Transmuto, and kiss the feet of Lord Matt three times. Then shalt he awaken and be restored to his former self.’
‘Thank ye, mystical Apothecary,’ quoth Scoot. ‘We owe thee a debt of eternal gratitude for this favor.’
‘Before thou goest,’ quoth the Apothecary, ‘I have for thee three more gifts…’
And he didst give unto Something a bottle of Ultra Jolt, and said unto him: ‘Take this, but be warned— thou shouldst only drink of it in times of great need.’
And the Apothecary didst give unto Dirty Uncle Orty a funny-looking mask, and said unto him: ‘This is the Mulambo Mask of Muntu. It once belonged to an infamous witch doctor, and it doth possess great power, so thou shouldst choose wisely when to wear it.’
And he said unto Scoot: ‘This is something which the Guru hath forgotten to tell thee… The HellRazor is said to have been forged by Lucifer himself, in his own garage, but the arcane power used to forge it is even older than the Ancient Gods, perhaps even older than the Titans or the Outer Gods.
‘There is a legend of a being, a warrior who wouldst fight with the Might of Old that once shook heaven and earth, and that he wouldst wield a sword whose power was greater than the Power of Steel. Take thee heed of my words, Scoot the Ko’An, for if this power were to fall into the hands of The Man, there is no telling what darkness and horror shall befall our world.’
‘Dost thou know of a way to defeat The Man, and drive this evil from our world?’ quoth Casey.
‘I… do not know…’ quoth the Apothecary. ‘I canst only hope that thou and the Gods of Hondo canst find a way to stoppeth him, for I sense a great and ancient evil is behind this, and I fear that even the HellRazor shalt be no match for it…’
And Adria didst prophesy: ‘There shall come a time when the shit is so deep no one canst walketh away. At the bitmap-sounding tone, Pacifier pacifieth the Ergonomic Count. And he shall sayeth: “Get thee a battle bridge, and we shall throw down out in space!” With pixelized sounds shalt the Voices in the Wall want us out, and it shall look into thine eyes and shall maketh its horrible sound.
‘And nimble fingers that danceth on numbers, who shalt eat thy children and steal thy thunder, shalt be trampled when matadors chaseth the bulls in a china shop. For ’tis the Power of The Man, that ev’ryone shouldst know their place, that barcode retinal scan database clockwork harmony which doth prevail when infinite possibilities die every day, the endless forks blocked and detoured for the same old way. Heed my words, O people, for the time shall come when nobody’s real, and They shall be legion, and a sorry sight for sore eyes and tired feet after such a long, strange trip!
‘For unclean spirits, crying out with loud voice, shall come to pass out of many an ass that were possessed with them, speaking in Tongues, and there was great joy in that city. And it shall come to pass that the city exploded but the gates wouldst not open, and Flanders sayeth: “Thank ye for letting me burieth the hitchhiker in thy flower bed, Mom.” ’
‘Fare thee well, wise Apothecary,’ quoth Scoot, and the Dudes didst depart.
But no sooner didst they leave the place, than they were attacked by a group of disco-dancing martial artists. And they were funky Chinamen, from a funky Chinatown, and the Dudes didst power up to do battle with them, and they were chopping them up and chopping them down.
And it came to pass that the Apothecary didst join in the battle, just to prove that he was not too old for a good fight.
And everybody was Kung Fu Fighting, and the Dudes were fast as lightning, and it came to pass that it was a little bit frightening, but they didst prevail with expert timing.
‘Sayeth the Gods of Hondo,’ quoth Scoot: ‘ “All disco endeth in broken bones”!’
‘Damn straight!’ quoth Nori, for she too had learned a thing or two from her training with Kungfucius.
And the Dudes didst depart from Chinatown, for ’twas way too weird for them, and they didst go forth that they might figure out what the hell to do next.
‘Wow!’ cried Casey, ‘the lightning hath freed something!’
‘So, where the hell hast thou been all this time, Yoco?’ quoth Scoot.
‘Aaahhhhh! Air!’ cried Something as he didst take his first breath in one hundred years. ‘There art times when it doth suck to be immortal…’
‘How in the name of horse-shit didst thou come to be in that fucking stone monolith?’ quoth Nori.
‘Fuck off…’ quoth Something.
‘Lord Derrick is in charge, remember?’ quoth Scoot. ‘At this point, my friend, anything is possible…’
‘Hey, I’m starving!’ quoth Something, for he had not eaten in over a hundred years, and he was hungry enough to eat a horse.
‘Let us stop at the nearest tavern and haveth a bite,’ quoth Scoot.
And so the Dudes didst stop at the nearest tavern and didst eat everything in the place, (mostly a horse), and to celebrate the return of The Brian, Scoot didst lead the Dudes in a great Riverdance, and they didst run up the greatest damage bill ever.
And it came to pass on the road as the Dudes were on their way that a witch didst appear in a cloud of green smoke, for her broomstick had crashed.
‘Help!’ cried she, ‘I’ve fallen and I canst not get up!’
And Scoot didst give her a healing potion, and she said unto them, ‘I have had better… The Apothecary of Chinatown doth make a mean healing potion.’
‘Thou knoweth the Apothecary?’ quoth Scoot.
‘Arroint thee, bitch!’ quoth Nori. ‘After we helped thee, this is how thou talketh to us…’
‘Pay thee no attention to her,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for if thou canst tell us where we may find the Apothecary, we shall be forever in thy debt.’
And so she didst tell them the way unto Chinatown, and the Dudes set out. When they came unto Chinatown, they didst ask around, for the Guru had said unto them: ‘Go thee to Chinatown. Asketh for the Apothecary; he shall help thee.’
And after asking around, the Dudes didst find the Apothecary, and they came unto his mysterious, dimly lit shop.
‘I am Scoot the Ko’An,’ quoth Scoot the Ko’An, ‘and these art the Dudes. We are come to ask thee if there is any way we canst restore the God of All Things 100% Colombian.’
‘The Guru hath told me of thy plight,’ quoth the Apothecary, ‘and I may have a way to help thee.’
‘Wow!’ quoth Casey. ‘The Guru! Through telepathy?’
‘No, he didst e-mail me,’ quoth the Apothecary. ‘Now, in order to restoreth the God of Taser-Taser Kindergarten Nap-Nap Time, thou must tell Lord Derrick to drink of this potion which I have prepared whilst thou wert on thy way. Then he must say the words Incanis Corporae Transmuto, and kiss the feet of Lord Matt three times. Then shalt he awaken and be restored to his former self.’
‘Thank ye, mystical Apothecary,’ quoth Scoot. ‘We owe thee a debt of eternal gratitude for this favor.’
‘Before thou goest,’ quoth the Apothecary, ‘I have for thee three more gifts…’
And he didst give unto Something a bottle of Ultra Jolt, and said unto him: ‘Take this, but be warned— thou shouldst only drink of it in times of great need.’
And the Apothecary didst give unto Dirty Uncle Orty a funny-looking mask, and said unto him: ‘This is the Mulambo Mask of Muntu. It once belonged to an infamous witch doctor, and it doth possess great power, so thou shouldst choose wisely when to wear it.’
And he said unto Scoot: ‘This is something which the Guru hath forgotten to tell thee… The HellRazor is said to have been forged by Lucifer himself, in his own garage, but the arcane power used to forge it is even older than the Ancient Gods, perhaps even older than the Titans or the Outer Gods.
‘There is a legend of a being, a warrior who wouldst fight with the Might of Old that once shook heaven and earth, and that he wouldst wield a sword whose power was greater than the Power of Steel. Take thee heed of my words, Scoot the Ko’An, for if this power were to fall into the hands of The Man, there is no telling what darkness and horror shall befall our world.’
‘Dost thou know of a way to defeat The Man, and drive this evil from our world?’ quoth Casey.
‘I… do not know…’ quoth the Apothecary. ‘I canst only hope that thou and the Gods of Hondo canst find a way to stoppeth him, for I sense a great and ancient evil is behind this, and I fear that even the HellRazor shalt be no match for it…’
And Adria didst prophesy: ‘There shall come a time when the shit is so deep no one canst walketh away. At the bitmap-sounding tone, Pacifier pacifieth the Ergonomic Count. And he shall sayeth: “Get thee a battle bridge, and we shall throw down out in space!” With pixelized sounds shalt the Voices in the Wall want us out, and it shall look into thine eyes and shall maketh its horrible sound.
‘And nimble fingers that danceth on numbers, who shalt eat thy children and steal thy thunder, shalt be trampled when matadors chaseth the bulls in a china shop. For ’tis the Power of The Man, that ev’ryone shouldst know their place, that barcode retinal scan database clockwork harmony which doth prevail when infinite possibilities die every day, the endless forks blocked and detoured for the same old way. Heed my words, O people, for the time shall come when nobody’s real, and They shall be legion, and a sorry sight for sore eyes and tired feet after such a long, strange trip!
‘For unclean spirits, crying out with loud voice, shall come to pass out of many an ass that were possessed with them, speaking in Tongues, and there was great joy in that city. And it shall come to pass that the city exploded but the gates wouldst not open, and Flanders sayeth: “Thank ye for letting me burieth the hitchhiker in thy flower bed, Mom.” ’
‘Fare thee well, wise Apothecary,’ quoth Scoot, and the Dudes didst depart.
But no sooner didst they leave the place, than they were attacked by a group of disco-dancing martial artists. And they were funky Chinamen, from a funky Chinatown, and the Dudes didst power up to do battle with them, and they were chopping them up and chopping them down.
And it came to pass that the Apothecary didst join in the battle, just to prove that he was not too old for a good fight.
And everybody was Kung Fu Fighting, and the Dudes were fast as lightning, and it came to pass that it was a little bit frightening, but they didst prevail with expert timing.
‘Sayeth the Gods of Hondo,’ quoth Scoot: ‘ “All disco endeth in broken bones”!’
‘Damn straight!’ quoth Nori, for she too had learned a thing or two from her training with Kungfucius.
And the Dudes didst depart from Chinatown, for ’twas way too weird for them, and they didst go forth that they might figure out what the hell to do next.
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