Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo
And it came to pass that the Dudes didst set sail for the lost island of Mu, and Scoot didst lead the way on his hide-a-bed.
And in their journey, they didst come to land on the Isle of Tokers, where the herb grew freely in the wild, and the people didst worship the Goddess.
And so Scoot was pursued by Evil-Cam, which didst hunt him through forest and field. When he didst return, he didst find that the Dudes were jammin’ with the Islanders, and for some reason, they didst not want to leave.
And though it took some doing, Scoot didst finally convince the Dudes to say farewell to the friendly and inviting people of the Isle, especially for the High Priestess of Hondo, for she didst really like it there.
And Booby didst remember that he had a magic carpet.
‘Why the hell have we been fuckin’ around with boats when we couldst fly?’ demanded Nori.
And the Dudes didst shrug their shoulders.
After one more bonfire party, the Dudes didst take off on Booby’s magic carpet, and they didst fly unto the lost Island of Mu.
But Scoot didst insist on sailing the hide-a-bed, and when they didst arrive in Mu, the people didst say, ‘Ack-ward-boy hath returned just as he hath predicted: in a floating hide-a-bed!’
‘Ackward-boy?’ quoth the Dudes in unison.
‘In their native tongue, it meaneth “Chief Standing Backwards”,’ quoth Scoot.
‘Oh, well I canst not possibly imagine where they didst come up with that name,’ quoth Nori.
‘ ’Tis a little trick I learned from a monk whilst I was wandering in Tibet,’ quoth Scoot. ‘I bet a bunch of people doing that wouldst scare off Chairman Mao!’
And Scoot didst give the Universal Greeting, and didst offer them many packages of gum.
‘But that is not Juicy Fruit,’ quoth Casey.
‘It doth not matter,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for we art not brand-fascists here.’
‘We welcome the Son of the Hawai’ian King Kaméhaméha,’ quoth the Chief.
‘Where?’ quoth Yoco.
‘ ’Tis an honorary title, Ass-Master,’ quoth Nori.
And they didst summon the Village Idiot, who didst run out to the hut of the Witch Doctor.
And after hearing of the madness which was the tale Scoot had to tell, the Witch Doctor didst brew up a potion from the same recipe as the Apothecary.
And it came to pass that the Gods of Hondo didst appear before them as Larry, Curly, and Moe, and the God of Drunken Rastafarians Playing Frisbee said unto them: ‘Hail, Dudes! I have returned! Tell me now what thou hast learned.’
‘Wait one fucking minute!’ spake the God of Stupidity, ‘there art only supposed to be two of us!’
‘Oops, sorry…’ quoth Moe, and he didst vanish from their midst.
‘Dammit!’ quoth Nori, ‘he was my favorite one!’
‘Dammit!’ quoth Yoco. ‘Curly was the best!’
‘Dammit!’ quoth Dirty Uncle Orty, ‘ye stepped on my foot!’
‘Dammit!’ quoth Nori, ‘don’t get thy butt in an uproar.’
‘Dammit!’ quoth Lord RJ as he didst appear before them as an incontinent rabbit, ‘trust me, thou hast not seen my butt in an uproar!’
‘Dammit!’ quoth Jennifer, ‘Look at that bird!’
‘Dammit!’ quoth the bird, ‘Stop looking at me!’
‘Dammit! I liketh… birds,’ quoth Jennifer.
‘Dammit!’ spake the God of Dammit, ‘ ’Tis my turn to say dammit!’
‘I’ve got a bad habit, slammit!’ spake the God of Skankin’ It Up, ‘I must have it! This time, Derrick, getteth it right, or I shall kick thy sorry ass tonight! I canst not stand making cheesy rhymes like this, all the time to the point that I am really getting pissed!’
‘Quickly, Lord Derrick!’ cried Nori as she covered her ears, ‘Maketh it fucking stop!’
And he didst take the potion which the Witch Doctor had given him, and didst drink of it and spake the words, ‘Incanis… Corporae…’
‘Transmuto, dumbass!’ whispered Nori.
‘Transmuto!’ cried the God of Fist Pounding triumphantly, and he didst thrice kiss the feet of the God of Sticking One’s Dick in the Mashed Potatoes.
And it came to pass that the God of Waffle Irons was restored to his normal(?) self, and was transformed into the Cheshire Cat’s Smile.
‘At last!’ cried he, ‘an end to the ceaseless rhymes!’
‘Well, ’tis about fucking time,’ quoth Nori.
And so it came to pass that RJ was demoted back to Assistant God of Getting Sidetracked now that Matt was restored to his former self so he couldst fulfill his duties as the God of Used Underwear.
And it came to pass that Chief Boombox didst telleth Something to go forth and appease the spirit in the volcano, and didst offer him a great feast beforehand, with great quantities of orange drink.
‘But I do not want to,’ quoth he.
‘Thou’rt the Sacrificial Goat, the lowest rank in Hondo,’ Spake the God of 5’2” Blond Chinese Women. ‘For thy rank is so low that even those outside of Hondo may boss thee around.’
‘Goddammit!’ cried Something.
‘Ye screamed—’
‘Fuck off!’ cried the Dudes in unison.
And Derrick didst vanish from their midst before anyone couldst see what he wouldst appear before them as.
And so it came to pass that Something was thrown into the volcano, and there was much rejoicing.
And in their journey, they didst come to land on the Isle of Tokers, where the herb grew freely in the wild, and the people didst worship the Goddess.
And so Scoot was pursued by Evil-Cam, which didst hunt him through forest and field. When he didst return, he didst find that the Dudes were jammin’ with the Islanders, and for some reason, they didst not want to leave.
And though it took some doing, Scoot didst finally convince the Dudes to say farewell to the friendly and inviting people of the Isle, especially for the High Priestess of Hondo, for she didst really like it there.
And Booby didst remember that he had a magic carpet.
‘Why the hell have we been fuckin’ around with boats when we couldst fly?’ demanded Nori.
And the Dudes didst shrug their shoulders.
After one more bonfire party, the Dudes didst take off on Booby’s magic carpet, and they didst fly unto the lost Island of Mu.
But Scoot didst insist on sailing the hide-a-bed, and when they didst arrive in Mu, the people didst say, ‘Ack-ward-boy hath returned just as he hath predicted: in a floating hide-a-bed!’
‘Ackward-boy?’ quoth the Dudes in unison.
‘In their native tongue, it meaneth “Chief Standing Backwards”,’ quoth Scoot.
‘Oh, well I canst not possibly imagine where they didst come up with that name,’ quoth Nori.
‘ ’Tis a little trick I learned from a monk whilst I was wandering in Tibet,’ quoth Scoot. ‘I bet a bunch of people doing that wouldst scare off Chairman Mao!’
And Scoot didst give the Universal Greeting, and didst offer them many packages of gum.
‘But that is not Juicy Fruit,’ quoth Casey.
‘It doth not matter,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for we art not brand-fascists here.’
‘We welcome the Son of the Hawai’ian King Kaméhaméha,’ quoth the Chief.
‘Where?’ quoth Yoco.
‘ ’Tis an honorary title, Ass-Master,’ quoth Nori.
And they didst summon the Village Idiot, who didst run out to the hut of the Witch Doctor.
And after hearing of the madness which was the tale Scoot had to tell, the Witch Doctor didst brew up a potion from the same recipe as the Apothecary.
And it came to pass that the Gods of Hondo didst appear before them as Larry, Curly, and Moe, and the God of Drunken Rastafarians Playing Frisbee said unto them: ‘Hail, Dudes! I have returned! Tell me now what thou hast learned.’
‘Wait one fucking minute!’ spake the God of Stupidity, ‘there art only supposed to be two of us!’
‘Oops, sorry…’ quoth Moe, and he didst vanish from their midst.
‘Dammit!’ quoth Nori, ‘he was my favorite one!’
‘Dammit!’ quoth Yoco. ‘Curly was the best!’
‘Dammit!’ quoth Dirty Uncle Orty, ‘ye stepped on my foot!’
‘Dammit!’ quoth Nori, ‘don’t get thy butt in an uproar.’
‘Dammit!’ quoth Lord RJ as he didst appear before them as an incontinent rabbit, ‘trust me, thou hast not seen my butt in an uproar!’
‘Dammit!’ quoth Jennifer, ‘Look at that bird!’
‘Dammit!’ quoth the bird, ‘Stop looking at me!’
‘Dammit! I liketh… birds,’ quoth Jennifer.
‘Dammit!’ spake the God of Dammit, ‘ ’Tis my turn to say dammit!’
‘I’ve got a bad habit, slammit!’ spake the God of Skankin’ It Up, ‘I must have it! This time, Derrick, getteth it right, or I shall kick thy sorry ass tonight! I canst not stand making cheesy rhymes like this, all the time to the point that I am really getting pissed!’
‘Quickly, Lord Derrick!’ cried Nori as she covered her ears, ‘Maketh it fucking stop!’
And he didst take the potion which the Witch Doctor had given him, and didst drink of it and spake the words, ‘Incanis… Corporae…’
‘Transmuto, dumbass!’ whispered Nori.
‘Transmuto!’ cried the God of Fist Pounding triumphantly, and he didst thrice kiss the feet of the God of Sticking One’s Dick in the Mashed Potatoes.
And it came to pass that the God of Waffle Irons was restored to his normal(?) self, and was transformed into the Cheshire Cat’s Smile.
‘At last!’ cried he, ‘an end to the ceaseless rhymes!’
‘Well, ’tis about fucking time,’ quoth Nori.
And so it came to pass that RJ was demoted back to Assistant God of Getting Sidetracked now that Matt was restored to his former self so he couldst fulfill his duties as the God of Used Underwear.
And it came to pass that Chief Boombox didst telleth Something to go forth and appease the spirit in the volcano, and didst offer him a great feast beforehand, with great quantities of orange drink.
‘But I do not want to,’ quoth he.
‘Thou’rt the Sacrificial Goat, the lowest rank in Hondo,’ Spake the God of 5’2” Blond Chinese Women. ‘For thy rank is so low that even those outside of Hondo may boss thee around.’
‘Goddammit!’ cried Something.
‘Ye screamed—’
‘Fuck off!’ cried the Dudes in unison.
And Derrick didst vanish from their midst before anyone couldst see what he wouldst appear before them as.
And so it came to pass that Something was thrown into the volcano, and there was much rejoicing.
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