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MIKEY: I even stay up until I expect Gerard home. Usually he's back after midnight. You can't tell what he'll be like though. He can be really violent, but the pain makes our connection very strong, and doesn't change how I love him, I can just smile it off most of the times...
Or he can be desparately sexual, which is tough to ignore. Even when he's sober, Gee is different. He's become very paranoid and touchy about things. God I get paranois too, I'm too scared to ask what he's up to though in case I get in trouble from him. I can see Frank putting up with his odd behaviour too with only a hint of annoyance. I'm so glad Gerard has someone like him when I can't be there for him or it's something that a brother can't fix.

The worst nights of Gerard's drunken onslaughts were yet to come but I was getting more concerned for him. His eyes are always bloodshot, which first made me consider he was on drugs. I hated to admit it but it had to be true, it made sense yet I still wanted to ignore that theory. Gerard was going out, getting high somewhere and getting home and miraculously safe but why... Eagerly letting me go out with Shane and Frank made me think if they had anything to do with it. Or as if he just didn;t care so much anymore. That sounded crazy at the time! I mean, I trusted these guys to the max, with all I could trust them. They wouldn't do stuff like that to him.
Now, the last night before Gerard's climax of horrors was on December 16th. He barged into my room in a worse state than I had seen ever before, practically frothing at the mouth.
"Fuck!" He murmured, falling to his knees as soon as he made it through the door.
"Gee, you sleeping here?" I asked cautiously. His head snapped up and he glared at me.

"You fucking cunt! How can I even look at you without seeing shit!" Gerard looked slightly fearful through obvious rage and wide-eyed.
"What do you mean? C'mon..." I laced my fingers with his to pull Gerard up.
"Stay away!! You're not...You're not...!" Gerard broke off violently, getting up. I approached him warily, knowing he'd fall asleep as soon as he hit the pillow. It was just a case of coaxing him into bed and maybe watch him for a while to make sure he was okay.
I barely noticed his arm moving until his hand connected with my cheek unexpectedly.
"Gerard -" I didn't bother to touch my sore cheek, used to the familiar buzz anyway.

"For everything he's done! And I've tried to fix," he yelled. "but I still..." Gerard usually doesn't made much sense anyway but the way he spoke chilled me to the bone. Fixing things, the way he had tried to 'fix' me, did he mean he didn't do a good enough job? Was that it, was he disappointed in me?!
He thrashed violently and kicked my stomach and I staggered back, "I hate you!!" The words hurt more. He's never said that. Gerard has never said he hates me, not like that. I knew why he would though. Even if he doesn't love me, I'll always love him. I can't not love G.That's impossible and unreasonable.

I shook my head. Not even if he's drunk... The words always hurt more. Gerard pushed me down and I felt a numb pain as my back hit the side of my bed. He stood over me as if debating something, licking his lips and his eyes looked truly terrifying.
"No, Gerard! Don't ever say that!" I grabbed hold of his legs. "You can't say that!" Knowing he loved me was the only thing that would keep me sane, or so it seemed at the time. Sometimes it used to be like we lived in our own little world, even if it's changing it can't be tossed away or destroyed.

"Shut it!" he grabbed my hair until it felt he would rip it out. I screamed out, kicking out wildly to cope with the shot of pain though still wrapping my arms around his legs. I wheezed as he slowly pulled his fingers our of my hair, feeling some of the hairs break of in agonising burning pain.
He snatched my glasses off my face before I could react and twisted them, tossing them behind his shoulder.
"Gerard, stop it!" I moaned, pulling his leg closer.
"I hate how you can't tell me you love me, you won't admit that what I do to punish you makes you happy!"

I gasped as more pathetic tears built up inside and looked up at Gerard in shock after I processed what he meant.
"Yeah, that's it. Shane told me, so did the fucking coke. And I've felt this for so long Mikey!"
"Cocaine?! Shit! Gee...! You can't do coke!" I hit his knee in desparation. The pices fit easily enough. "So Shane's been giving you drugs?!"

"He'll stop if you tell him you know. So you better do what he says! Or I'll... I'll make sure to really break you!! I need Shane!" Gerard leant over and took heave deliberate breaths against my ear, "You know I can fucking break you." he promised.
"How can I do that?! What's even in it for him?" I flinched but didn't back down more than I already had.
Gerard laughed and swayed insecurely.
"You'll see..... Mikes, coke helps me out, see? Makes me forget that one day - Look, don't tell Shane, and I'll love you forever." Gerard had calmed down considerably. I could just see him grinning down at me. His plan no doubt made him feel in control once more. He sounded like he was about to pass out though, which he often does after he comes back after a hit.
I wiped my eyes in disbelief. The change in mood was too fast to take in. Once angry now in a blink of an eye, somewhat amiable.

I shakily asked one thing, "Forever...?" to which Gerard nodded lazily in reply. It wasn't long until he was with me in bed, cuddling me tight as I weighed up the pros and cons of not telling Shane, or anyone else. If it helps him forget Jimmy, if it seriously damages all aspects of his life... What can I do now?