Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > The Smell of Pure Fear
Author's Note: I know, I know it took me forever to upload this. But I'm going to continue updating like a maniac now! My New Year's Resolution is to not only write but also update much quicker. This task will now be much easier since I finally got a computer and am now able to write whenever I want. I hope to receive a lot of reviews on this chapter! It would really make me want to update and write more often.
"Gerard, seriously slow down on the coffee! You've had four cups in the past hour!" I tried to take the mug out of his hands but he shoved the cup closer to himself, away from my hands.
"And that's so wrong? Let me have my coffee!"
"Fine, it's only going to give you diabetes by the time you're 25!" Gerard only shrugged in response, as if saying, 'And who's suppose to care?' We had been in his room, reading comics, listening to music,
watching movies, and of course drinking coffee for the past 5 hours. I was sure that my dad had to of been furious by now. I should have been home hours ago.
The problem is, how are you suppose to leave when you finally feel comfortable and safe. Gerard was my safe zone, he wouldn't let anything happen to me. With my dad, I was thrown out to the sharks and
I had to fight to survive. It was a cruel world and I could never make a mistake, it could cost me my life, especially when it involves something as serious as drugs. That's all this town was, that's all my
father was. Perhaps, that's all I SHOULD be.
"I should go," I mumbled. I went to grab my book bag by the door and leave. Then, I realized that I didn't have transportation to get back home.
"Please don't go," pleaded Gerard. "I've had such a good time today. I don't remember the last time I've had this much fun. We're having a small party Friday. You should come." A party, that sounded fun.
Friday though? That was my father's bad day. He usually got the drunkest on Fridays which meant I had more work to do, to keep him safe. But, I needed to have some fun. I was 20 years old and never in my life had I ever done things just for myself. This would be the first time that I did things for me, and only me.
“I'm not sure,” Is what I settled with. The look on Gerard's face was too much to handle. I had finally given him someone to trust, someone to rely on and now, I couldn't even attend a single, small party. What kind of friend am I? “Fridays are difficult at home. I really shouldn't say yes without knowing if I actually can come.”
Gerard rolled his eyes. “You're a grown woman and you can't even make your own decision on whether or not you can come to a party. Why should you be held back? If you want to come to this party than please, just come. Don't say maybe, say yes.”
This was a horrible decision, I knew deep inside me it was. But I couldn't not go. This is my life and he was right, I needed to control it. Even if it does mean going against my father. I know it will make him angry, but what can he do? I am old enough to make my own decisions. “Fine. I'll be there. What time?”
A huge smile spread across Gerard's face. “How about I just pick you up from school and you can help me set up before everyone gets here. Maybe then you'll be able to meet Mikey.”
“That sounds like a plan. I've really got to go.” I opened the door and began to step outside, Gerard also stood up and grabbed his keys. When I looked at him with curiosity he only responded with, “You don't expect me to just let you walk home, do you? I have a car, I can easily drive you home.” I can only imagine my face flashing with horror. He can't see where I live. He can't see my dad. He can't see how my life really is.
As soon as I was going to protest I saw the look in his eyes. He had his mind set, he was determined. Gerard would take me home. I could only hope that he'd only drop me off and if not, maybe my dad was already out or passed out or... or... maybe my dad will be at the door. Maybe my dad will be waiting. Maybe he'll cause a scene and scare Gerard away. Maybe my dad will make me lose the only friend that I have.
Sitting in the car, only a few seconds away from my house, Gerard kept looking back at me with confusion across his face. He had to of been thinking, “This can't be the right place.” It was written clearly across his face. I suddenly felt ashamed of my house, of my life. I suddenly felt ashamed of myself. I wished that I could be whisked away and taken far, far from here. Maybe if my situation was different I wouldn't be ashamed. I had to keep the small little string of hope that Gerard would understand, because he also had family problems. The only difference was, his family loved him. His family still acted as though a family, mine did not. In all reality, I had no true family. Not here at least. Maybe someday in the far future I can make my own family but I can only pray for that.
We finally pulled into my driveway. The lights inside were on but my father was not outside waiting for me. I was so thankful for that. I opened the passenger side door and stepped out of the car. Gerard was about to step out of the car too but I only shook my head, “Don't worry about it. I can walk myself to the door without your help.”
“Are you sure?” Gerard asked. I nodded and said, “I'm positive. I'll see you tomorrow morning.”
“See you tomorrow,” Gerard said with hesitation. I shut the car door and walked to the front door. I looked back at the driveway, Gerard was just starting to drive away. I waved him off and entered my house. My dad was sitting in his recliner staring at the TV with a drink in his hands. He shut the TV off with the remote but continued staring at the blank screen. He slowly turned around to glare at me. I was frozen by the door, unable to make the escape toward my bedroom.
My dad looked furious, “Where were you?” His words weren't slurred yet but I could tell he was already getting drunk.
I rolled my eyes, trying to seem like I wasn't scared of him. “School, like every other person my age is doing.” My voice sounded strong and bold but my body was quivering. Somehow, I knew what was coming before I had even said anything. Though, why I still said it I'm not sure.
My dad gave me a cocky grin, a grin that only made me more scared. He stood from his chair and began walking toward me. I was finally able to move and tried to run to my room. My dad was faster than me though. I was slammed into the door, I crumpled onto the floor. My dad bent down and grabbed me by the throat, he was now eye level with me. “Now let's try this again. Where were you?” He spit at me.
I was silent for a second, until he gripped my throat tighter. “With a friend,” I choked out.
He laughed a hearty, broken laugh. “Friend? You have no friends! Don't lie to me.”
“But I'm not. I made a friend.” I was mentally furious at myself for giving him this much information. I'm not sure why but he always intimidated me into telling him everything, no matter how hard I try not to.
“Friends, you're such a naive girl. Friends don't care about you. You were suppose to come right away. I've been waiting for you all day.” He didn't even know what he was talking about. Gerard did care about me. I knew he did. And I cared about Gerard. I did have friends.
“I don't need your permission to be with friends. I'm not a kid,” I snarled. SHUT UP, I told myself.
“Please, sweetheart, of course you need my permission.” When I rolled my eyes at my dad he pushed me into the window. I fell through it, shards of glass cutting me all over. Pain was coursing through me but so was adrenalin and anger. I stood up, ignoring the sharp pains, and punched my dad in the jaw. I looked at him with shock written all over my face. What did I just do? “That wasn't a very smart move, young lady. You sure you don't want to take that back?” I ran to the front door and tried to open in. I was shoved again and lost my balance. My shoulder took the large impact, making me scream. He slapped me hard once before he kicked me out of the doorway and walked outside, leaving me alone and hurt. I stood carefully and walked as quickly as I could to my room. I closed and locked my door. I collapsed onto my bed and cried. I stuffed my hands inside my pocket and wrapped my fingers around a small piece of paper. I pulled it out of my pocket.
Call me anytime. I'll be there.
494-355-7634
-Gerard
Should I call him? No, I shouldn't. He didn't need to see me like this. After getting to the bathroom, I peeled off my clothes and started pulling out the shards of glass from my legs and arms. I winced in pain with each piece of glass. I had wounds all over myself and even after soaking myself in a nice bath I still felt horrible. I was starting to wonder if I'd even be able to go to school tomorrow. But, Gerard kept on popping into my mind. I had to see him tomorrow, he'd worry about me if not.
I lied down and was able to fall asleep. I had a dream about Gerard, about what could easily happen in the future.
The next morning I was able to sneak out of the house without my dad seeing me. I had a small bruise on my eye and cuts throughout my skin. I was able to easily hide the wounds by wearing a jacket but the bruise was a little more difficult. After applying too much concealer it was finally almost completely hidden. I looked almost normal, to the average eye at least. Gerard would probably be able to see something was wrong though.
I had gotten to college early this morning, before Gerard. I took a seat and started reading a book. Before I knew it the classroom was filled, all except for Gerard. I was starting to get discouraged about Gerard attending school when he finally walked into the classroom and sat next to me. My head had been down, worried to look at him.
“Hey,” Gerard said, he sounded almost giddy.
“Hey,” I said, still keeping my face pointed toward my book.
Gerard stalled before responding, “Guess you don't want to talk to me anymore, huh?”
I quickly lifted my head up. As soon as Gerard saw my face he gasped. I tried to hide again but he simply nudged it back to look at him. “What happened to you?”
“Nothing,” I whispered. I hoped that Gerard wouldn't say anything more about the subject after the Professor came in. But he did. I received a note from him about five minutes later.
I thought I told you to call me if you needed me for anything.
I rolled my eyes before writing back to him.
I didn't need your help though.
Gerard cocked his eyebrow, as if he'd laugh if he could.
You didn't need any help? Doesn't look that way.
In my eyes, I didn't need any help. If Gerard thought this was bad he didn't know what bad was. This was nothing to me, I had endured much worse in the past.
I'm Fine.
Even if Gerard didn't believe me I was telling the truth. I was fine. Nothing could change what happened. And the truth is, it will probably happen again, just worse than the first time. I can't change what happens, that's out of my own control. But I can change what I do to help it. I can't change the way that people think of me. But I can try to not run away. I can't be positive that everyone's honest to what they say. But I can let myself trust my own instincts. And my instincts tell me to trust Gerard.
Some people do not believe in me. But I believe in myself. And I also believe in Gerard.
"Gerard, seriously slow down on the coffee! You've had four cups in the past hour!" I tried to take the mug out of his hands but he shoved the cup closer to himself, away from my hands.
"And that's so wrong? Let me have my coffee!"
"Fine, it's only going to give you diabetes by the time you're 25!" Gerard only shrugged in response, as if saying, 'And who's suppose to care?' We had been in his room, reading comics, listening to music,
watching movies, and of course drinking coffee for the past 5 hours. I was sure that my dad had to of been furious by now. I should have been home hours ago.
The problem is, how are you suppose to leave when you finally feel comfortable and safe. Gerard was my safe zone, he wouldn't let anything happen to me. With my dad, I was thrown out to the sharks and
I had to fight to survive. It was a cruel world and I could never make a mistake, it could cost me my life, especially when it involves something as serious as drugs. That's all this town was, that's all my
father was. Perhaps, that's all I SHOULD be.
"I should go," I mumbled. I went to grab my book bag by the door and leave. Then, I realized that I didn't have transportation to get back home.
"Please don't go," pleaded Gerard. "I've had such a good time today. I don't remember the last time I've had this much fun. We're having a small party Friday. You should come." A party, that sounded fun.
Friday though? That was my father's bad day. He usually got the drunkest on Fridays which meant I had more work to do, to keep him safe. But, I needed to have some fun. I was 20 years old and never in my life had I ever done things just for myself. This would be the first time that I did things for me, and only me.
“I'm not sure,” Is what I settled with. The look on Gerard's face was too much to handle. I had finally given him someone to trust, someone to rely on and now, I couldn't even attend a single, small party. What kind of friend am I? “Fridays are difficult at home. I really shouldn't say yes without knowing if I actually can come.”
Gerard rolled his eyes. “You're a grown woman and you can't even make your own decision on whether or not you can come to a party. Why should you be held back? If you want to come to this party than please, just come. Don't say maybe, say yes.”
This was a horrible decision, I knew deep inside me it was. But I couldn't not go. This is my life and he was right, I needed to control it. Even if it does mean going against my father. I know it will make him angry, but what can he do? I am old enough to make my own decisions. “Fine. I'll be there. What time?”
A huge smile spread across Gerard's face. “How about I just pick you up from school and you can help me set up before everyone gets here. Maybe then you'll be able to meet Mikey.”
“That sounds like a plan. I've really got to go.” I opened the door and began to step outside, Gerard also stood up and grabbed his keys. When I looked at him with curiosity he only responded with, “You don't expect me to just let you walk home, do you? I have a car, I can easily drive you home.” I can only imagine my face flashing with horror. He can't see where I live. He can't see my dad. He can't see how my life really is.
As soon as I was going to protest I saw the look in his eyes. He had his mind set, he was determined. Gerard would take me home. I could only hope that he'd only drop me off and if not, maybe my dad was already out or passed out or... or... maybe my dad will be at the door. Maybe my dad will be waiting. Maybe he'll cause a scene and scare Gerard away. Maybe my dad will make me lose the only friend that I have.
Sitting in the car, only a few seconds away from my house, Gerard kept looking back at me with confusion across his face. He had to of been thinking, “This can't be the right place.” It was written clearly across his face. I suddenly felt ashamed of my house, of my life. I suddenly felt ashamed of myself. I wished that I could be whisked away and taken far, far from here. Maybe if my situation was different I wouldn't be ashamed. I had to keep the small little string of hope that Gerard would understand, because he also had family problems. The only difference was, his family loved him. His family still acted as though a family, mine did not. In all reality, I had no true family. Not here at least. Maybe someday in the far future I can make my own family but I can only pray for that.
We finally pulled into my driveway. The lights inside were on but my father was not outside waiting for me. I was so thankful for that. I opened the passenger side door and stepped out of the car. Gerard was about to step out of the car too but I only shook my head, “Don't worry about it. I can walk myself to the door without your help.”
“Are you sure?” Gerard asked. I nodded and said, “I'm positive. I'll see you tomorrow morning.”
“See you tomorrow,” Gerard said with hesitation. I shut the car door and walked to the front door. I looked back at the driveway, Gerard was just starting to drive away. I waved him off and entered my house. My dad was sitting in his recliner staring at the TV with a drink in his hands. He shut the TV off with the remote but continued staring at the blank screen. He slowly turned around to glare at me. I was frozen by the door, unable to make the escape toward my bedroom.
My dad looked furious, “Where were you?” His words weren't slurred yet but I could tell he was already getting drunk.
I rolled my eyes, trying to seem like I wasn't scared of him. “School, like every other person my age is doing.” My voice sounded strong and bold but my body was quivering. Somehow, I knew what was coming before I had even said anything. Though, why I still said it I'm not sure.
My dad gave me a cocky grin, a grin that only made me more scared. He stood from his chair and began walking toward me. I was finally able to move and tried to run to my room. My dad was faster than me though. I was slammed into the door, I crumpled onto the floor. My dad bent down and grabbed me by the throat, he was now eye level with me. “Now let's try this again. Where were you?” He spit at me.
I was silent for a second, until he gripped my throat tighter. “With a friend,” I choked out.
He laughed a hearty, broken laugh. “Friend? You have no friends! Don't lie to me.”
“But I'm not. I made a friend.” I was mentally furious at myself for giving him this much information. I'm not sure why but he always intimidated me into telling him everything, no matter how hard I try not to.
“Friends, you're such a naive girl. Friends don't care about you. You were suppose to come right away. I've been waiting for you all day.” He didn't even know what he was talking about. Gerard did care about me. I knew he did. And I cared about Gerard. I did have friends.
“I don't need your permission to be with friends. I'm not a kid,” I snarled. SHUT UP, I told myself.
“Please, sweetheart, of course you need my permission.” When I rolled my eyes at my dad he pushed me into the window. I fell through it, shards of glass cutting me all over. Pain was coursing through me but so was adrenalin and anger. I stood up, ignoring the sharp pains, and punched my dad in the jaw. I looked at him with shock written all over my face. What did I just do? “That wasn't a very smart move, young lady. You sure you don't want to take that back?” I ran to the front door and tried to open in. I was shoved again and lost my balance. My shoulder took the large impact, making me scream. He slapped me hard once before he kicked me out of the doorway and walked outside, leaving me alone and hurt. I stood carefully and walked as quickly as I could to my room. I closed and locked my door. I collapsed onto my bed and cried. I stuffed my hands inside my pocket and wrapped my fingers around a small piece of paper. I pulled it out of my pocket.
Call me anytime. I'll be there.
494-355-7634
-Gerard
Should I call him? No, I shouldn't. He didn't need to see me like this. After getting to the bathroom, I peeled off my clothes and started pulling out the shards of glass from my legs and arms. I winced in pain with each piece of glass. I had wounds all over myself and even after soaking myself in a nice bath I still felt horrible. I was starting to wonder if I'd even be able to go to school tomorrow. But, Gerard kept on popping into my mind. I had to see him tomorrow, he'd worry about me if not.
I lied down and was able to fall asleep. I had a dream about Gerard, about what could easily happen in the future.
The next morning I was able to sneak out of the house without my dad seeing me. I had a small bruise on my eye and cuts throughout my skin. I was able to easily hide the wounds by wearing a jacket but the bruise was a little more difficult. After applying too much concealer it was finally almost completely hidden. I looked almost normal, to the average eye at least. Gerard would probably be able to see something was wrong though.
I had gotten to college early this morning, before Gerard. I took a seat and started reading a book. Before I knew it the classroom was filled, all except for Gerard. I was starting to get discouraged about Gerard attending school when he finally walked into the classroom and sat next to me. My head had been down, worried to look at him.
“Hey,” Gerard said, he sounded almost giddy.
“Hey,” I said, still keeping my face pointed toward my book.
Gerard stalled before responding, “Guess you don't want to talk to me anymore, huh?”
I quickly lifted my head up. As soon as Gerard saw my face he gasped. I tried to hide again but he simply nudged it back to look at him. “What happened to you?”
“Nothing,” I whispered. I hoped that Gerard wouldn't say anything more about the subject after the Professor came in. But he did. I received a note from him about five minutes later.
I thought I told you to call me if you needed me for anything.
I rolled my eyes before writing back to him.
I didn't need your help though.
Gerard cocked his eyebrow, as if he'd laugh if he could.
You didn't need any help? Doesn't look that way.
In my eyes, I didn't need any help. If Gerard thought this was bad he didn't know what bad was. This was nothing to me, I had endured much worse in the past.
I'm Fine.
Even if Gerard didn't believe me I was telling the truth. I was fine. Nothing could change what happened. And the truth is, it will probably happen again, just worse than the first time. I can't change what happens, that's out of my own control. But I can change what I do to help it. I can't change the way that people think of me. But I can try to not run away. I can't be positive that everyone's honest to what they say. But I can let myself trust my own instincts. And my instincts tell me to trust Gerard.
Some people do not believe in me. But I believe in myself. And I also believe in Gerard.
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