Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo
‘ “Maybe ’Tis the Baloney Talking…” ’
And in the eighth second of the eighth minute of the eighth hour of the eighth day of the eighth month of the eighth year, a goat didst sneeze…
And it was good.
Then sayeth the Chicken, to clams in the clouds, to vibrating spiders to the air conditioner to thee: ‘How strange thou art!’
But no one kneweth who “thee” was, so the cute little animals didst look amongst themselves and shruggeth their shoulders.
And their collective shruggings didst cause a great disturbance in the Force which didst cause a butterfly to be blown off course and flitteth into the Sexy Way Station.
And the people didst see the butterfly and Sid Vicious said unto them: ‘Get thy throwdown swerve on! ’Tis a sign!’
For the voluptuous man crowd-surfeth with a 1000 neon monkeyz, powa of tha Jade Giraffe, and frowny-face was a hothead.
But when Irish refrigerators began smiling, and Mummified Cats were playing poker in a roomful of worried people, who didst all keep looking at the clock, wondering what the Apple was going on, The Voice From The Back made its Doomsday Broadcast.
And it came to pass that Orion’s belt no longer holdeth up his pants, and there was a sign in the heavens, and the Emergency Broadcast sayeth: ‘This is just a test! Awake, O North Wind! Repeat, this is just a test!’
And the valiant didst carry the sword and know fear in the night, for the daughters of Zion came forth from their garden of cucumbers with their obtuse speech and didst entrance Soccer Moms.
And so Martha Stewart didst make new commercials commanding all of her fanatical followers to worship tha neon monkey hed and grindeth up turkey and shapeth it into the form of the Daughters of Zion, saying, ‘I shall show thee how to maketh hand grenades out of pretty pine cones! Mine ass is on fire and so is tha chedda! Walka in tha name of god, it is kept in stacks. Labeleth them like unto this: “big international tuna like ryder”. Cat loveth food, yeah, yeah!’
And Gustav ze Vodka-Svilling Kitty didst eat and eat and eat, and eat and eat and eat, and didst grow large with food, taking on many calories until he didst grow larger than Buddha, than Shamu, than Jabba the Fuckin’ Hutt.
And the people didst panic, and misname a pizza restaurant after him.
And the monkey-man with his walking staff, who wieldeth the Power of the Jade Giraffe, didst masturbate ferociously whilst yelping the sacred word at the top of his lungs: YAGGIBLAHYAGGHIIBLAHGGGAYAYABLAGHHIEAIALSAAAAAHHGGGHHHH- BLGHIAIA! YAGGIBLAHYAGGHIIBLAHGGGAYAYABLAGHHIEAIALSAAAAAHHGGG- HHHHBLGHIAIA!’ when the matadors chasèd the bulls in a china shop, and he didst suffer fifth-degree burns.
And so the people said unto one another, ‘Holy shit! Didst thou see tha butt-munch?’
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BONUS BLANK PAGE!!
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...But the forgotten was remembered, and the megaphone of failure was made to work again, for it sayeth: ‘Get thee hence, foul desktop! I shall away with Windows XP be!’ For the grandmother of Republicans hath mighty toads to jump on mounds of scorpions for extra pants.
Yet the people didst not heed the Warning of the Goats, and so the robo-dog Dark Toaster came forth out of the wilderness like pillars of smoke, perfumed with myrrh and frankincense, and with all the powders of the merchant and didst give people free lunch meat.
And it was damn good. And the people didst rejoice. At least until all the moon and all of the planets were in middle class alignment, and an ominous form didst emergeth from warp space above the Earth…
And the crew of the Starship Enterprise was circling around Uranus searching for Klingons when Colonel Uhura said unto them, ‘Captain, I picketh up a strange reading off to port…’
‘Oh no!’ cried Treasurer Checkov, ‘ ’Tis the Galactic Battle Burger!’
‘Ach! Why now?’ cried Scotty on the comm, ‘I just got the toilets functioning properly!’
‘Well, shit,’ quoth Captain Kirk. ‘Quick! Setteth phasers to Blow Shit Up! Mr Scott, giveth me full fucking power!’
‘Ach! Mcfuck!’ cried Scotty. ‘ ’Tis no good, Captain! I cannot reach the control panel, and there’s not enough ketchup left!’
‘Surely ’twould taketh a lot of tomatoes!’ quoth Captain Sulu. ‘Didst thou eateth all the ketchup, thou fat fuck?’
‘Ach! I’m not fat!’ cried Scotty, ‘I’m plus Mcsized!’
‘Wait thee just a damn minute here!’ quoth Captain Kirk. ‘There canst be but one Captain on this ship!’
‘Oops, sorry…’ quoth Sulu, and the Captain didst changeth his rank to Lowest Man on the Totem Pole.
And the Galactic Battle Burger didst attack, and didst break through the Enterprise’s shields.
‘But…’ quoth Mr Spock, ‘ ’tis… not… logical…’
And his head didst explode.
‘Bones!’ cried Captain Kirk as he didst pull a pointy ear from off his face, ‘Do something!’
‘Dammit, Jim!’ cried Dr McCoy, ‘I’m a doctor, not a porn star!’
‘But…’
‘Verily I say,’ quoth Dr McCoy, ‘he’s dead, Jim.’
‘Ach! No!’ cried Scotty, ‘Not the Grey Water again!…’
(props
Peanut/ Green Mile
Goatmilker/ Pennywisdom
Nytrydr/ Green Mile
RancidDKMPunk/ Pennywisdom
Offchick/ Pennywisdom
AuntyNay4/ Green Mile
and a shout out to y’all who didst partake of the original Hondo Mad Lib!)
And in the eighth second of the eighth minute of the eighth hour of the eighth day of the eighth month of the eighth year, a goat didst sneeze…
And it was good.
Then sayeth the Chicken, to clams in the clouds, to vibrating spiders to the air conditioner to thee: ‘How strange thou art!’
But no one kneweth who “thee” was, so the cute little animals didst look amongst themselves and shruggeth their shoulders.
And their collective shruggings didst cause a great disturbance in the Force which didst cause a butterfly to be blown off course and flitteth into the Sexy Way Station.
And the people didst see the butterfly and Sid Vicious said unto them: ‘Get thy throwdown swerve on! ’Tis a sign!’
For the voluptuous man crowd-surfeth with a 1000 neon monkeyz, powa of tha Jade Giraffe, and frowny-face was a hothead.
But when Irish refrigerators began smiling, and Mummified Cats were playing poker in a roomful of worried people, who didst all keep looking at the clock, wondering what the Apple was going on, The Voice From The Back made its Doomsday Broadcast.
And it came to pass that Orion’s belt no longer holdeth up his pants, and there was a sign in the heavens, and the Emergency Broadcast sayeth: ‘This is just a test! Awake, O North Wind! Repeat, this is just a test!’
And the valiant didst carry the sword and know fear in the night, for the daughters of Zion came forth from their garden of cucumbers with their obtuse speech and didst entrance Soccer Moms.
And so Martha Stewart didst make new commercials commanding all of her fanatical followers to worship tha neon monkey hed and grindeth up turkey and shapeth it into the form of the Daughters of Zion, saying, ‘I shall show thee how to maketh hand grenades out of pretty pine cones! Mine ass is on fire and so is tha chedda! Walka in tha name of god, it is kept in stacks. Labeleth them like unto this: “big international tuna like ryder”. Cat loveth food, yeah, yeah!’
And Gustav ze Vodka-Svilling Kitty didst eat and eat and eat, and eat and eat and eat, and didst grow large with food, taking on many calories until he didst grow larger than Buddha, than Shamu, than Jabba the Fuckin’ Hutt.
And the people didst panic, and misname a pizza restaurant after him.
And the monkey-man with his walking staff, who wieldeth the Power of the Jade Giraffe, didst masturbate ferociously whilst yelping the sacred word at the top of his lungs: YAGGIBLAHYAGGHIIBLAHGGGAYAYABLAGHHIEAIALSAAAAAHHGGGHHHH- BLGHIAIA! YAGGIBLAHYAGGHIIBLAHGGGAYAYABLAGHHIEAIALSAAAAAHHGGG- HHHHBLGHIAIA!’ when the matadors chasèd the bulls in a china shop, and he didst suffer fifth-degree burns.
And so the people said unto one another, ‘Holy shit! Didst thou see tha butt-munch?’
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
BONUS BLANK PAGE!!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...But the forgotten was remembered, and the megaphone of failure was made to work again, for it sayeth: ‘Get thee hence, foul desktop! I shall away with Windows XP be!’ For the grandmother of Republicans hath mighty toads to jump on mounds of scorpions for extra pants.
Yet the people didst not heed the Warning of the Goats, and so the robo-dog Dark Toaster came forth out of the wilderness like pillars of smoke, perfumed with myrrh and frankincense, and with all the powders of the merchant and didst give people free lunch meat.
And it was damn good. And the people didst rejoice. At least until all the moon and all of the planets were in middle class alignment, and an ominous form didst emergeth from warp space above the Earth…
And the crew of the Starship Enterprise was circling around Uranus searching for Klingons when Colonel Uhura said unto them, ‘Captain, I picketh up a strange reading off to port…’
‘Oh no!’ cried Treasurer Checkov, ‘ ’Tis the Galactic Battle Burger!’
‘Ach! Why now?’ cried Scotty on the comm, ‘I just got the toilets functioning properly!’
‘Well, shit,’ quoth Captain Kirk. ‘Quick! Setteth phasers to Blow Shit Up! Mr Scott, giveth me full fucking power!’
‘Ach! Mcfuck!’ cried Scotty. ‘ ’Tis no good, Captain! I cannot reach the control panel, and there’s not enough ketchup left!’
‘Surely ’twould taketh a lot of tomatoes!’ quoth Captain Sulu. ‘Didst thou eateth all the ketchup, thou fat fuck?’
‘Ach! I’m not fat!’ cried Scotty, ‘I’m plus Mcsized!’
‘Wait thee just a damn minute here!’ quoth Captain Kirk. ‘There canst be but one Captain on this ship!’
‘Oops, sorry…’ quoth Sulu, and the Captain didst changeth his rank to Lowest Man on the Totem Pole.
And the Galactic Battle Burger didst attack, and didst break through the Enterprise’s shields.
‘But…’ quoth Mr Spock, ‘ ’tis… not… logical…’
And his head didst explode.
‘Bones!’ cried Captain Kirk as he didst pull a pointy ear from off his face, ‘Do something!’
‘Dammit, Jim!’ cried Dr McCoy, ‘I’m a doctor, not a porn star!’
‘But…’
‘Verily I say,’ quoth Dr McCoy, ‘he’s dead, Jim.’
‘Ach! No!’ cried Scotty, ‘Not the Grey Water again!…’
(props
Peanut/ Green Mile
Goatmilker/ Pennywisdom
Nytrydr/ Green Mile
RancidDKMPunk/ Pennywisdom
Offchick/ Pennywisdom
AuntyNay4/ Green Mile
and a shout out to y’all who didst partake of the original Hondo Mad Lib!)
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