Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo
‘The Chapter That Careth’
(And Doth Never Let Thee Down* )
‘…Say what?’ spake The Man.
‘I said, “May I tell thee a joke?” ’ quoth Scoot.
‘ ’Twas a simple enough question, dingleballs!’ quoth Nori.
‘If that is thy last request,’ spake The Man. ‘I was not sure I heard thee right. Fine. Tell thy stupid joke. I haven’t got all day.’
‘Yes. Of course,’ quoth Scoot. ‘It goeth like this:
‘One day, Confucius doth return from a visit to the Buddha. And the Enlightened One told him that he shouldst get out more and seeketh greater enlightenment. So Confucius went unto the circus which was in town that day.’
‘So let me getteth this straight…’ spake The Man. ‘Confucius went unto a circus in search of enlightenment?’
‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot. ‘So Confucius went forth unto the circus, and the train rolleth in bearing bunnies, binturangs and wankers, oh my!
‘And the barker barketh all about the Fat Lady and the Strong Man, and also telleth of the Beared Boy, the Uni-goat, of fabled Eskimos and naked Midgets who “Walketh Like an Egyptian”, of Flying Nuns and the dead— whom we all know traveleth in floating refrigerators— and also of juggling Beatles and ugly Rabbits.
‘And there art troublemakers on stilts, and Masters of the Custodial Arts blowing fire and swallowing bikinis, and a man juggling mummified cats, and an orchestra of beavers.
‘And the carnies art challenging people to such games as Swat the Clown, Eleven-Card Monte, Bush Toss, and Forks.
‘And the people art buying hot dogs and envelope-shaped balloons for the kids, blurry candy, Windexed popcorn, and stuffed Olyphaunt butts.
‘So Confucius buyeth for himself a ticket and goeth therein.
‘And under the big top, there art acrobats and x-ray technicians, clowns with tables, and the guitar-tamer was taming guitars, and seals balancing amps on their noses.
‘And the Clown-Shaguar came unto the circus tent, and an army of clowns came forth.
‘And Antonio Banderas swingeth on the trapeze without a net, and Julia Roberts was shot out of a cannon.
‘And so it came to pass that Confucius didst watch all of this, and didst try to seek greater enlightenment.
‘But then there came forth this clown, who didst insult and harass Confucius, calling him names and telling lies about his mother.
‘And Confucius was so beside himself with rage, that he couldst not think of a thing to say unto this rude and despicable clown.
‘So he left the circus, and didst go unto the temple scrolls to see if the Ancients had left any good comebacks.’
‘So thou’rt telling me that monks just sitteth around all day thinking up new insults?’ spake The Man.
‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Trust me, ye’d get really fuckin’ bored too if ye sat around meditating long enough!
‘Anyhoo, Confucius knoweth that the circus wouldst be in town for a few days, so he doth search amongst the scrolls, and doth find some really kickass comebacks.
‘So the next day he goeth unto the circus again. And the barker barketh all about the Fat Lady and the Strong Man, and also telleth of the Beared Boy, the Uni-goat, of fabled Eskimos and naked Midgets who “Walketh Like an Egyptian”, of Flying Nuns and the dead— whom we all know traveleth in floating refrigerators— and also of juggling Beatles and ugly Rabbits.
‘And there art troublemakers on stilts, and Masters of the Custodial Arts blowing fire and swallowing bikinis, and a man juggling mummified cats, and an orchestra of beavers—’
And here The Man didst interrupt Scoot, saying, ‘Didst thou not already tell me this part?’
‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Trust me, ’tis part of the joke. This is a good one. But thou must payeth attention to everything, for it is all important to the joke.’
And Casey said unto the Dudes, ‘I am told that Scoot hath learned this one from the Master Kungfucius himself.’
‘Aye, that I have,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Now where was I? Oh, yeah, the carnies art challenging people to such games as Swat the Clown, Eleven-Card Monte, Bush Toss, and Forks.
‘And the people art buying hot dogs and envelope-shaped balloons for the kids, blurry candy, Windexed popcorn, and stuffed Olyphaunt butts.
‘So Confucius buyeth for himself another ticket and goeth therein.
‘And under the big top, there art acrobats and x-ray technicians, clowns with tables, and the guitar-tamer was taming guitars, and seals balancing amps on their noses.
‘And the Clown-Shaguar came unto the circus tent, and an army of clowns came forth.
‘And Antonio Banderas swingeth on the trapeze without a net, and Julia Roberts was shot out of a cannon.
‘And so it came to pass that Confucius didst watch all of this, and didst try to seek greater enlightenment.
‘But then there came forth this clown, who didst insult and harass Confucius, calling him names and telling lies about his mother.
‘And once more Confucius was so beside himself with rage, that he couldst not think of a thing to say unto this rude and despicable clown.
‘So he doth leave the circus once more, and go unto the temple to search amongst the scrolls, and doth find some more kickass comebacks.
‘Now he is determined to get back at that malicious clown.
‘So the next day he goeth unto the circus again. And the barker barketh all about the Fat Lady and the Strong Man, and also telleth of the Bearded Boy, the Uni-goat, of fabled Eskimos and naked Midgets who “Walketh Like an Egyptian”, of Flying Nuns and the dead— whom we all know traveleth in floating refrigerators— and also of juggling Beatles and ugly Rabbits.
‘And there art troublemakers on stilts, and Masters of the Custodial Arts blowing fire and swallowing bikinis, and a man juggling mummified cats, and an orchestra of beavers.’
‘And the carnies art challenging people to such games as Swat the Clown, Eleven-Card Monte, Bush Toss, and Forks.
‘And the people art buying hot dogs—’
And here The Man didst interrupt Scoot, saying, ‘Really. Am I to believe that people really eateth these “hot dogs”?’
‘Ye would not believe some people eat…’ quoth Scoot. ‘Anyhoo, the people buyeth envelope-shaped balloons for the kids, blurry candy, Windexed popcorn, and stuffed Olyphaunt butts.
‘So Confucius buyeth for himself a ticket and goeth therein.
‘And under the big top, there art acrobats and x-ray technicians, clowns with tables, and the guitar-tamer was taming guitars, and seals balancing amps on their noses.
‘And the Clown-Shaguar came unto the circus tent, and an army of clowns came forth.
‘And Antonio Banderas swingeth on the trapeze without a net, and Julia Roberts was shot out of a cannon.
‘And so it came to pass that Confucius didst watch all of this, and didst try to seek greater enlightenment.
‘But then there came forth this clown, who didst insult and harass Confucius, calling him names and telling lies about his mother.
‘And once more Confucius was so beside himself with rage, that he couldst not think of a thing to say unto this rude and despicable clown.
‘So he doth leave the circus once more, and go unto the temple to search amongst the scrolls, and doth find some more kickass comebacks.
‘Now he is now even more determined than before—’
And The Man didst once more interrupt him, saying, ‘Scoot, is this going somewhere?’
‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot, ‘trust me. It is.’
‘This hadst better be good,’ quoth Nori.
‘Oh, it will be,’ quoth Scoot. ‘It will be…’
*DISCLAIMER: This chapter may not actually care about thee. In all probability, it doth hate thee. The ‘never let thee down’ clause as defined under terms of Contract (Section 6, Paragraph 3), and subject to availability. Side effects may includeth: Narcolepsy, Cerebral Bore, Drowsiness, Two-Dimensionality, Nausea, Chronic Inability to Keep Thine Eyes Open, Visible Auras, Odd Odors, Existential Quandaries, Dry Mouth of Doom, Explosive Flatulence, Visitations by Multiple Spirits, Occasional (Though Enjoyable) Probings, Terminal Boredom, Dwight D Eisenhower Syndrome, Random Moshing, Necrophelia, and Bitch-Tits. Thou shouldst not operate heavy machinery whilst reading this chapter. Void where prohibited. Some restrictions may applieth.
(props
Peanut/ Green Mile
RancidDKMPunk/ Pennywisdom
Offchick/ Pennywisdom
I Am Road Runner/ Pennywisdom
Nytrydr/ Green Mile
Goatmilker/ Pennywisdom
AuntyNay4/ Green Mile
and a shout out to y’all who didst partake of the original Hondo Mad Lib!)
(And Doth Never Let Thee Down* )
‘…Say what?’ spake The Man.
‘I said, “May I tell thee a joke?” ’ quoth Scoot.
‘ ’Twas a simple enough question, dingleballs!’ quoth Nori.
‘If that is thy last request,’ spake The Man. ‘I was not sure I heard thee right. Fine. Tell thy stupid joke. I haven’t got all day.’
‘Yes. Of course,’ quoth Scoot. ‘It goeth like this:
‘One day, Confucius doth return from a visit to the Buddha. And the Enlightened One told him that he shouldst get out more and seeketh greater enlightenment. So Confucius went unto the circus which was in town that day.’
‘So let me getteth this straight…’ spake The Man. ‘Confucius went unto a circus in search of enlightenment?’
‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot. ‘So Confucius went forth unto the circus, and the train rolleth in bearing bunnies, binturangs and wankers, oh my!
‘And the barker barketh all about the Fat Lady and the Strong Man, and also telleth of the Beared Boy, the Uni-goat, of fabled Eskimos and naked Midgets who “Walketh Like an Egyptian”, of Flying Nuns and the dead— whom we all know traveleth in floating refrigerators— and also of juggling Beatles and ugly Rabbits.
‘And there art troublemakers on stilts, and Masters of the Custodial Arts blowing fire and swallowing bikinis, and a man juggling mummified cats, and an orchestra of beavers.
‘And the carnies art challenging people to such games as Swat the Clown, Eleven-Card Monte, Bush Toss, and Forks.
‘And the people art buying hot dogs and envelope-shaped balloons for the kids, blurry candy, Windexed popcorn, and stuffed Olyphaunt butts.
‘So Confucius buyeth for himself a ticket and goeth therein.
‘And under the big top, there art acrobats and x-ray technicians, clowns with tables, and the guitar-tamer was taming guitars, and seals balancing amps on their noses.
‘And the Clown-Shaguar came unto the circus tent, and an army of clowns came forth.
‘And Antonio Banderas swingeth on the trapeze without a net, and Julia Roberts was shot out of a cannon.
‘And so it came to pass that Confucius didst watch all of this, and didst try to seek greater enlightenment.
‘But then there came forth this clown, who didst insult and harass Confucius, calling him names and telling lies about his mother.
‘And Confucius was so beside himself with rage, that he couldst not think of a thing to say unto this rude and despicable clown.
‘So he left the circus, and didst go unto the temple scrolls to see if the Ancients had left any good comebacks.’
‘So thou’rt telling me that monks just sitteth around all day thinking up new insults?’ spake The Man.
‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Trust me, ye’d get really fuckin’ bored too if ye sat around meditating long enough!
‘Anyhoo, Confucius knoweth that the circus wouldst be in town for a few days, so he doth search amongst the scrolls, and doth find some really kickass comebacks.
‘So the next day he goeth unto the circus again. And the barker barketh all about the Fat Lady and the Strong Man, and also telleth of the Beared Boy, the Uni-goat, of fabled Eskimos and naked Midgets who “Walketh Like an Egyptian”, of Flying Nuns and the dead— whom we all know traveleth in floating refrigerators— and also of juggling Beatles and ugly Rabbits.
‘And there art troublemakers on stilts, and Masters of the Custodial Arts blowing fire and swallowing bikinis, and a man juggling mummified cats, and an orchestra of beavers—’
And here The Man didst interrupt Scoot, saying, ‘Didst thou not already tell me this part?’
‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Trust me, ’tis part of the joke. This is a good one. But thou must payeth attention to everything, for it is all important to the joke.’
And Casey said unto the Dudes, ‘I am told that Scoot hath learned this one from the Master Kungfucius himself.’
‘Aye, that I have,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Now where was I? Oh, yeah, the carnies art challenging people to such games as Swat the Clown, Eleven-Card Monte, Bush Toss, and Forks.
‘And the people art buying hot dogs and envelope-shaped balloons for the kids, blurry candy, Windexed popcorn, and stuffed Olyphaunt butts.
‘So Confucius buyeth for himself another ticket and goeth therein.
‘And under the big top, there art acrobats and x-ray technicians, clowns with tables, and the guitar-tamer was taming guitars, and seals balancing amps on their noses.
‘And the Clown-Shaguar came unto the circus tent, and an army of clowns came forth.
‘And Antonio Banderas swingeth on the trapeze without a net, and Julia Roberts was shot out of a cannon.
‘And so it came to pass that Confucius didst watch all of this, and didst try to seek greater enlightenment.
‘But then there came forth this clown, who didst insult and harass Confucius, calling him names and telling lies about his mother.
‘And once more Confucius was so beside himself with rage, that he couldst not think of a thing to say unto this rude and despicable clown.
‘So he doth leave the circus once more, and go unto the temple to search amongst the scrolls, and doth find some more kickass comebacks.
‘Now he is determined to get back at that malicious clown.
‘So the next day he goeth unto the circus again. And the barker barketh all about the Fat Lady and the Strong Man, and also telleth of the Bearded Boy, the Uni-goat, of fabled Eskimos and naked Midgets who “Walketh Like an Egyptian”, of Flying Nuns and the dead— whom we all know traveleth in floating refrigerators— and also of juggling Beatles and ugly Rabbits.
‘And there art troublemakers on stilts, and Masters of the Custodial Arts blowing fire and swallowing bikinis, and a man juggling mummified cats, and an orchestra of beavers.’
‘And the carnies art challenging people to such games as Swat the Clown, Eleven-Card Monte, Bush Toss, and Forks.
‘And the people art buying hot dogs—’
And here The Man didst interrupt Scoot, saying, ‘Really. Am I to believe that people really eateth these “hot dogs”?’
‘Ye would not believe some people eat…’ quoth Scoot. ‘Anyhoo, the people buyeth envelope-shaped balloons for the kids, blurry candy, Windexed popcorn, and stuffed Olyphaunt butts.
‘So Confucius buyeth for himself a ticket and goeth therein.
‘And under the big top, there art acrobats and x-ray technicians, clowns with tables, and the guitar-tamer was taming guitars, and seals balancing amps on their noses.
‘And the Clown-Shaguar came unto the circus tent, and an army of clowns came forth.
‘And Antonio Banderas swingeth on the trapeze without a net, and Julia Roberts was shot out of a cannon.
‘And so it came to pass that Confucius didst watch all of this, and didst try to seek greater enlightenment.
‘But then there came forth this clown, who didst insult and harass Confucius, calling him names and telling lies about his mother.
‘And once more Confucius was so beside himself with rage, that he couldst not think of a thing to say unto this rude and despicable clown.
‘So he doth leave the circus once more, and go unto the temple to search amongst the scrolls, and doth find some more kickass comebacks.
‘Now he is now even more determined than before—’
And The Man didst once more interrupt him, saying, ‘Scoot, is this going somewhere?’
‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot, ‘trust me. It is.’
‘This hadst better be good,’ quoth Nori.
‘Oh, it will be,’ quoth Scoot. ‘It will be…’
*DISCLAIMER: This chapter may not actually care about thee. In all probability, it doth hate thee. The ‘never let thee down’ clause as defined under terms of Contract (Section 6, Paragraph 3), and subject to availability. Side effects may includeth: Narcolepsy, Cerebral Bore, Drowsiness, Two-Dimensionality, Nausea, Chronic Inability to Keep Thine Eyes Open, Visible Auras, Odd Odors, Existential Quandaries, Dry Mouth of Doom, Explosive Flatulence, Visitations by Multiple Spirits, Occasional (Though Enjoyable) Probings, Terminal Boredom, Dwight D Eisenhower Syndrome, Random Moshing, Necrophelia, and Bitch-Tits. Thou shouldst not operate heavy machinery whilst reading this chapter. Void where prohibited. Some restrictions may applieth.
(props
Peanut/ Green Mile
RancidDKMPunk/ Pennywisdom
Offchick/ Pennywisdom
I Am Road Runner/ Pennywisdom
Nytrydr/ Green Mile
Goatmilker/ Pennywisdom
AuntyNay4/ Green Mile
and a shout out to y’all who didst partake of the original Hondo Mad Lib!)
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