Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo
‘The Collective IQ of a Doorstop’
or,
‘The Crisis of the Infinite Outhouses’
WARNING!
Read not this text straight through from beginning to end! These pages containeth many different adventures thou canst go on in the Further Adventures of the Dudes. From time to time, thou shalt be asked to maketh a choice. Thy choice may leadeth the Dudes unto disaster… or even worse disaster.
The adventures thou taketh art a result of thine own choice. Thou /art responsible because /thou chooseth! After thou maketh thy choice, follow the instructions to see what doth happen to the Dudes next.
Remember— thou canst not go back! Thinkest thou carefully before thou maketh a move! One mistake canst be thy last… or it may lead the Dudes unto fame and fortune! So don’t fuck up!
Choose Thine Own Adventure…
I
And it came to pass that Ayatollah Asshollah came unto the Island of Mu. And he didst sneak up on them and take Yoco and didst hold him hostage in true Radical Islamic fashion.
‘Ha!’ quoth the Ayatollah, ‘Now let us see thou try that Super Afro Man stunt this time!’
‘Hail, Ayatollah!’ quoth Scoot, ‘So what hast thou been up to? Burned any good books lately?’
‘Hey! Wait a minute!’ cried Nori, ‘I thought thou died with Dr Färtnøkker!’
Quoth the Ayatollah: ‘Allah be praised! for Dr Färtnøkker’s Mecha-Wheelchair hadst a parachute, lest I be long in my grave now.
‘Now I shall have my revenge on the Infidels! If thou doth not surrender, I shall bloweth this one’s brains out!’
And it came to pass that Scoot the Ko’An didst laugh his ass off, and so didst the Dudes.
‘For the love of Allah, what is everybody laughing about?’ cried the bewildered Ayatollah.
‘He’ll live,’ quoth Scoot.
‘Thou’rt insane!’
‘No.’ And Scoot didst pause for a moment, then said unto him, ‘Well, yes. But he is immortal.’
And the Dudes didst shrug their shoulders.
And Yoco didst lift his head up high, and Ayatollah Asshollah didst blow his brains out.
‘Ow! Fuck! That hurt!’ cried Yoco as he didst stagger to his feet.
And Ayatollah Asshollah was afraid, very afraid, and he didst run away, and never did he trouble the Dudes again.
‘Shit!’ quoth Yoco, ‘Scoot, why didst thou not do something?’
‘Thou’rt still alive, art thou not?’ quoth Scoot.
‘Just because I’m immortal, that doth not mean it doth not fuckin’ hurt!’ quoth Yoco.
And so Casey, being the Dudes’ resident medial expert, didst put Yoco’s brains back in his skull and fixeth him up with duct tape.
And it came to pass that the God of Orange Juice Drinking didst appear before them as the Opposite of George and said unto them: ‘Hail, Dudes! I am come bearing strange tidings!
‘Jennifer, thou shalt go unto New Jersey and buildeth the First Church of Hondo. After thou hast done this, we shalt sendeth another Dude at random to buildeth the Second Church of Hondo.’
‘But, mighty God of Flirting,’ quoth Jennifer, ‘must I goeth unto New Jersey?’
‘Aye,’ spake the God of Nipples, ‘for no one else wilt.’
‘He hath a point,’ quoth Nori.
‘Any who wish may goeth with her,’ spake the God of Hawai’ian Shirts. ‘Now I must away to figure out what we, the Gods of Hondo, shalt do with all of the spare time we hath now that The Man hath been defeated. Fare thee well, Dudes!’
And so the God of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions didst vanish from their midst.
And the next day, Jennifer didst prepare to go unto New Jersey and buildeth the First Church of Hondo, and like the others, she didst wonder what the hell the Gods of Hondo couldst possibly needeth a church for…
If thou goeth unto New Jersey with the High Priestess, turn thee to XII.
If thou sayeth, ‘Screw ye guys, I’m goin’ home!’, turn thee to XXVI.
II
‘Where’s Waldo?’ quoth the cops as they didst look around amongst the confusion.
‘Canst we help thee, officers?’ quoth Loki Amaya, for he had a knack for dealing with the Authorities.
‘Aye,’ quoth the officer, ‘for we seeketh Waldo. He is always hiding, so we figureth he must have done something.’
‘Okay,’ quoth Loki, ‘just telleth us what he doth look like.’
And the officers didst fall down.
‘Ye gods!’ cried one, ‘thou hast no idea what Waldo doth look like? Must we show thee a picture?’
And the Dudes didst shrug their shoulders. And so Loki didst continue to ask stupid questions, and thereby get stupid answers, in accordance with the Forty-Second Commandment. All the while, the cops didst continue to look around, but they couldst find no sign of Waldo.
Finally, the cops didst walk away in disgust, saying amongst themselves, ‘Damn that Waldo! He’s just too clever for us!… And since when were there so many hookers wearing bunny suits in New Jersey?…’
‘Aye,’ quoth the other, ‘and all of them 34-C’s…’
‘My Mom sayeth there art a lot of hookers in New Jersey.’
‘Shut up, fatass!’
‘I’m not fat! My uniform hath shrunk in the wash, that’s all!’
‘Bullshit!’ coughed the other.
‘Oh yeah! Well thou eateth even more donuts than I do!’
‘Aye, but I’m still not as fat as thee.’
‘Whoa! Verily I say,’ quoth one of the hookers, ‘Goddam, that’s a big, fat ass!’
‘Goddammit!…’
Turn thee to X.
III
‘Who’f arted?’ spake the Demigod David as he didst appear in their midst, causing the Outhouse to become even more crowded.
And all didst look unto Nori.
‘Don’t ye try to blame this on me!’ quoth she. ‘I can’t stand the stench anymore!’
And the Dudes didst scramble out of the Outhouse, only to findeth that a herd of dinosaurs was stampeding at them.
If thou retreateth back to the Outhouse, turn thee to XXV.
If thou hast no common sense, turn thee to XXI.
IV
And so Scoot didst go home, and the Dudes went their separate ways, and it came to pass that they didst all find their true callings:
Booby didst discover that he had a gift for directing traffic; RJ didst become very wealthy after he developed a rare medical condition which caused him to shit dollar bills; though he didst enjoy his career as the New & Improved Grim Reaper, Richard fell under the Curse of the Erstwhile Doodlers; Casey didst become the Assistant Russian; Jennifer didst found the First Church of Hondo, and she didst help Booby found the Second Church of Hondo in Shitsplat, which is Havre; Adria didst take her prophecies on various radio programs, and her brother, Myles the Unbeliever, didst follow and debunk her; Dirty Uncle Orty didst spend the rest of his life cruisin’ around in the Ort-Mobile with the volume cranked, for he had invented the Perpetual Motion Machine out of sheer boredom; the Demigods David and Heidi didst wander the earth and lend their powers to assorted pointless causes; Bigfatjohn didst ride the rails, spreading the Book of Hondo far and wide, for he was the Messenger of Hondo.
And Loki Amaya didst found the Latter-Day Dudes, the Followers of the Brian, for they sought all the ways of Hicks, Perverts, and all Beings and Objects which were Odd, Perverted, and Just Plain Wrong in the eyes of the Gods of Hondo.
And the Hans didst tag along with Scoot, for he had nothing better to do.
And so it came to pass that they didst come unto Scootly Ko’An Manor, and Nori said unto them, ‘Be it ever so fucked-up, there’s no place like home!’
But when they opened the door, they didst find a serial bather in Scoot’s bathroom.
‘Begone!’ cried Scoot, and he didst brandish his staff, saying, ‘for I already have an intruder in this house; his name is Yoco!’
‘Damn straight!’ quoth Yoco, and he didst draw the Edge.
‘Hey! Goddammit, that’s my line, thou giraffe-bagpiping… piss-guzzling… hunchback… 6th and Blair…’
And whilst Nori was bitching out the Hans over using her line, the serial bather didst run away, and it came to pass that he was taped on the nightly news running ass-naked in the streets, as he had forgotten to swipe Scoot’s towel.
Which was good, for ’twas the only one Scoot had in those days.
‘Well,’ quoth Scoot as he didst sit down in his study (which also doubled as his bedroom, game room, office, dining room, livingroom, library, and Outer Space Meditating Chamber, as well as Yoco’s home), ‘I guess I shouldst start writing the Book of Hondo. But where to start…’
‘Perhaps at the beginning,’ quoth the Hans.
‘I am told that it’s a good place to start,’ quoth Nori.
‘Hmm… that soundeth just crazy enough to work,’ quoth Scoot, and so he sat down to start writing the Book of Hondo.
But first he didst take a nap, for he had not slept in days. And whilst the Hans didst make for himself a sandwich, and Nori didst take a shower, Scoot didst lay back and wonder what the Gods of Hondo had in store for him next…
Turn thee to Chapter 11.
or,
‘The Crisis of the Infinite Outhouses’
WARNING!
Read not this text straight through from beginning to end! These pages containeth many different adventures thou canst go on in the Further Adventures of the Dudes. From time to time, thou shalt be asked to maketh a choice. Thy choice may leadeth the Dudes unto disaster… or even worse disaster.
The adventures thou taketh art a result of thine own choice. Thou /art responsible because /thou chooseth! After thou maketh thy choice, follow the instructions to see what doth happen to the Dudes next.
Remember— thou canst not go back! Thinkest thou carefully before thou maketh a move! One mistake canst be thy last… or it may lead the Dudes unto fame and fortune! So don’t fuck up!
Choose Thine Own Adventure…
I
And it came to pass that Ayatollah Asshollah came unto the Island of Mu. And he didst sneak up on them and take Yoco and didst hold him hostage in true Radical Islamic fashion.
‘Ha!’ quoth the Ayatollah, ‘Now let us see thou try that Super Afro Man stunt this time!’
‘Hail, Ayatollah!’ quoth Scoot, ‘So what hast thou been up to? Burned any good books lately?’
‘Hey! Wait a minute!’ cried Nori, ‘I thought thou died with Dr Färtnøkker!’
Quoth the Ayatollah: ‘Allah be praised! for Dr Färtnøkker’s Mecha-Wheelchair hadst a parachute, lest I be long in my grave now.
‘Now I shall have my revenge on the Infidels! If thou doth not surrender, I shall bloweth this one’s brains out!’
And it came to pass that Scoot the Ko’An didst laugh his ass off, and so didst the Dudes.
‘For the love of Allah, what is everybody laughing about?’ cried the bewildered Ayatollah.
‘He’ll live,’ quoth Scoot.
‘Thou’rt insane!’
‘No.’ And Scoot didst pause for a moment, then said unto him, ‘Well, yes. But he is immortal.’
And the Dudes didst shrug their shoulders.
And Yoco didst lift his head up high, and Ayatollah Asshollah didst blow his brains out.
‘Ow! Fuck! That hurt!’ cried Yoco as he didst stagger to his feet.
And Ayatollah Asshollah was afraid, very afraid, and he didst run away, and never did he trouble the Dudes again.
‘Shit!’ quoth Yoco, ‘Scoot, why didst thou not do something?’
‘Thou’rt still alive, art thou not?’ quoth Scoot.
‘Just because I’m immortal, that doth not mean it doth not fuckin’ hurt!’ quoth Yoco.
And so Casey, being the Dudes’ resident medial expert, didst put Yoco’s brains back in his skull and fixeth him up with duct tape.
And it came to pass that the God of Orange Juice Drinking didst appear before them as the Opposite of George and said unto them: ‘Hail, Dudes! I am come bearing strange tidings!
‘Jennifer, thou shalt go unto New Jersey and buildeth the First Church of Hondo. After thou hast done this, we shalt sendeth another Dude at random to buildeth the Second Church of Hondo.’
‘But, mighty God of Flirting,’ quoth Jennifer, ‘must I goeth unto New Jersey?’
‘Aye,’ spake the God of Nipples, ‘for no one else wilt.’
‘He hath a point,’ quoth Nori.
‘Any who wish may goeth with her,’ spake the God of Hawai’ian Shirts. ‘Now I must away to figure out what we, the Gods of Hondo, shalt do with all of the spare time we hath now that The Man hath been defeated. Fare thee well, Dudes!’
And so the God of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions didst vanish from their midst.
And the next day, Jennifer didst prepare to go unto New Jersey and buildeth the First Church of Hondo, and like the others, she didst wonder what the hell the Gods of Hondo couldst possibly needeth a church for…
If thou goeth unto New Jersey with the High Priestess, turn thee to XII.
If thou sayeth, ‘Screw ye guys, I’m goin’ home!’, turn thee to XXVI.
II
‘Where’s Waldo?’ quoth the cops as they didst look around amongst the confusion.
‘Canst we help thee, officers?’ quoth Loki Amaya, for he had a knack for dealing with the Authorities.
‘Aye,’ quoth the officer, ‘for we seeketh Waldo. He is always hiding, so we figureth he must have done something.’
‘Okay,’ quoth Loki, ‘just telleth us what he doth look like.’
And the officers didst fall down.
‘Ye gods!’ cried one, ‘thou hast no idea what Waldo doth look like? Must we show thee a picture?’
And the Dudes didst shrug their shoulders. And so Loki didst continue to ask stupid questions, and thereby get stupid answers, in accordance with the Forty-Second Commandment. All the while, the cops didst continue to look around, but they couldst find no sign of Waldo.
Finally, the cops didst walk away in disgust, saying amongst themselves, ‘Damn that Waldo! He’s just too clever for us!… And since when were there so many hookers wearing bunny suits in New Jersey?…’
‘Aye,’ quoth the other, ‘and all of them 34-C’s…’
‘My Mom sayeth there art a lot of hookers in New Jersey.’
‘Shut up, fatass!’
‘I’m not fat! My uniform hath shrunk in the wash, that’s all!’
‘Bullshit!’ coughed the other.
‘Oh yeah! Well thou eateth even more donuts than I do!’
‘Aye, but I’m still not as fat as thee.’
‘Whoa! Verily I say,’ quoth one of the hookers, ‘Goddam, that’s a big, fat ass!’
‘Goddammit!…’
Turn thee to X.
III
‘Who’f arted?’ spake the Demigod David as he didst appear in their midst, causing the Outhouse to become even more crowded.
And all didst look unto Nori.
‘Don’t ye try to blame this on me!’ quoth she. ‘I can’t stand the stench anymore!’
And the Dudes didst scramble out of the Outhouse, only to findeth that a herd of dinosaurs was stampeding at them.
If thou retreateth back to the Outhouse, turn thee to XXV.
If thou hast no common sense, turn thee to XXI.
IV
And so Scoot didst go home, and the Dudes went their separate ways, and it came to pass that they didst all find their true callings:
Booby didst discover that he had a gift for directing traffic; RJ didst become very wealthy after he developed a rare medical condition which caused him to shit dollar bills; though he didst enjoy his career as the New & Improved Grim Reaper, Richard fell under the Curse of the Erstwhile Doodlers; Casey didst become the Assistant Russian; Jennifer didst found the First Church of Hondo, and she didst help Booby found the Second Church of Hondo in Shitsplat, which is Havre; Adria didst take her prophecies on various radio programs, and her brother, Myles the Unbeliever, didst follow and debunk her; Dirty Uncle Orty didst spend the rest of his life cruisin’ around in the Ort-Mobile with the volume cranked, for he had invented the Perpetual Motion Machine out of sheer boredom; the Demigods David and Heidi didst wander the earth and lend their powers to assorted pointless causes; Bigfatjohn didst ride the rails, spreading the Book of Hondo far and wide, for he was the Messenger of Hondo.
And Loki Amaya didst found the Latter-Day Dudes, the Followers of the Brian, for they sought all the ways of Hicks, Perverts, and all Beings and Objects which were Odd, Perverted, and Just Plain Wrong in the eyes of the Gods of Hondo.
And the Hans didst tag along with Scoot, for he had nothing better to do.
And so it came to pass that they didst come unto Scootly Ko’An Manor, and Nori said unto them, ‘Be it ever so fucked-up, there’s no place like home!’
But when they opened the door, they didst find a serial bather in Scoot’s bathroom.
‘Begone!’ cried Scoot, and he didst brandish his staff, saying, ‘for I already have an intruder in this house; his name is Yoco!’
‘Damn straight!’ quoth Yoco, and he didst draw the Edge.
‘Hey! Goddammit, that’s my line, thou giraffe-bagpiping… piss-guzzling… hunchback… 6th and Blair…’
And whilst Nori was bitching out the Hans over using her line, the serial bather didst run away, and it came to pass that he was taped on the nightly news running ass-naked in the streets, as he had forgotten to swipe Scoot’s towel.
Which was good, for ’twas the only one Scoot had in those days.
‘Well,’ quoth Scoot as he didst sit down in his study (which also doubled as his bedroom, game room, office, dining room, livingroom, library, and Outer Space Meditating Chamber, as well as Yoco’s home), ‘I guess I shouldst start writing the Book of Hondo. But where to start…’
‘Perhaps at the beginning,’ quoth the Hans.
‘I am told that it’s a good place to start,’ quoth Nori.
‘Hmm… that soundeth just crazy enough to work,’ quoth Scoot, and so he sat down to start writing the Book of Hondo.
But first he didst take a nap, for he had not slept in days. And whilst the Hans didst make for himself a sandwich, and Nori didst take a shower, Scoot didst lay back and wonder what the Gods of Hondo had in store for him next…
Turn thee to Chapter 11.
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