Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo

Macabre 10 - V - VI - VII - VIII

by shadesmaclean 0 reviews

The Outhouse of Time V - VIII

Category: Humor - Rating: R - Genres: Fantasy,Humor - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2011-01-12 - Updated: 2011-01-12 - 1416 words - Complete

Meanwhile, the Dudes didst stand around, tapping their feet impatiently for Loki Amaya.

‘Oh for fucks sake…’ quoth Nori, ‘I shall drag his hairless ass out of there myself if he doth not come out soon! Scoot, thou hast officially lost thy title of Bathroom Gorilla.’

‘Well, that’s just prime…’ quoth Scoot.

‘Dost thou not mean Guerrilla?’ quoth Casey.

‘Don’t ye correct my spelling whilst I’m ranting, dumbass,’ quoth she, ‘or I’ll tear ye a new—’

But she was interrupted as it came to pass that the God of Being Bored and Extremely Dangerous didst appear before them as Kimba the White Lion, and said unto them, ‘Hail Dudes—’

And the God of Evil didst appear as Disney CEO Michael D Eisner wielding a broom, saying, ‘Shoo! Shoo! Begone! Get thy cute, fuzzy ass back to Japan!’

And he didst sweep the God of Project Mayhem back into nothingness.

‘There!’ spake the God of Magic, ‘take that—’

But the God of Snappy Comebacks didst appear as a Super Saiyan. And he didst power up menacingly, and his hair didst get completely out of control.

‘Eep…’ And the God of Hawai’ian Shirts vanished from their midst.

‘Now… Ah, hell! I forgot what I was going to sayeth!…’

And the God of Bitch-Tits didst put two fingers to his forehead and concentrate, and vanished from their midst.

And it came to pass that a few minutes later the God of Homemade Special Effects didst reappear as a bunch of dancing bears of many colors. And the Dudes were still standing there, scratching their heads in confusion at the last appearance of the Gods of Hondo.

‘Oh Yeah! Now I remembereth!’ spake the bears in unison.

‘Who said that!’ quoth Casey, looking amongst the bears.

‘I did!’ spake the red bear, ‘for I am the God of Troublemakers!’

‘No!’ spake the green bear, ‘I am the God of Troublemakers!’

‘But I thought I was the God of Troublemakers!’ spake the blue bear.

‘Shut the fuck up!’ spake the yellow bear.

And so it came to pass that the bears didst argue amongst themselves over who was the real God of Troublemakers.

Aarrgghhh!’ cried Nori, ‘Wilt the real God of Troublemakers please fuckin’ stand up!’

‘Enough!’ cried the green bear, and they didst all fuse into one shimmering bear of many colors.

‘Trippy…’ spake the God of Not Falling Off the Accoutrement in many voices, for he was well pleased with his new form. ‘Anyhoo, thou shalt go into yonder outhouse and findeth Loki Amaya.’

‘Why?’ quoth Nori, ‘Didst he fall in?’

‘Aye,’ spake the God of Chimney Rock, ‘but not the way thou thinkest. For yonder outhouse is none other than the Outhouse of Time; all who enter therein art randomly transported unto other times and places. For we, the Gods of Hondo, have used this outhouse, and have discovered the terrible risks of fucking up the Space-Time Continuum.’

‘Thou meaneth like the time Lord Derrick accidentally invented the light bulb?’ quoth Dirty Uncle Orty.

‘Or when thou turned into a giant robot and helped Benedict Arnold defeat the British at the Battle of West Point?’ quoth RJ.

‘Aye!’ spake the God of Twin Phantom Sub Machineguns.

‘Yeah!’ quoth Casey, ‘like the time the Gods of Hondo fell from the heavens and helped defeat the Huns!’

‘Wait a minute!’ quoth the Hans, ‘I thought they didst appear to Shakespeare in a tripe and teacheth him how to add more kung-fu action to his plays!’

Aarrgghhh!’ cried Nori. ‘Didst thou not read thy history books? ’Twas Count Chocula™ who didst fall from the heavens, and everybody, including the Huns, didst all enjoy a bowl as part of a balanced breakfast, thou glue-sniffing turdburglar!’ (props Ian/Pennywisdom)

‘I see what thou meaneth, mighty God of ALL-CAPS,’ quoth Scoot. ‘We shall go forth at once, Lord Matt, and do all that is within our power to rescue Loki.’

‘Excellent…’ spake the God of the Triforce as he didst tent his hands, and vanished from their midst.

‘Excrement…’ quoth Nori, and she didst tent her hands, saying, ‘I get to spendeth my vacation in a time-traveling shithouse…’

Turn thee to VII.

‘We shalt go unto Boing-Boing Burger,’ quoth Scoot.

And so the Dudes went forth out of the land of New Jersey and came unto Boing-Boing Burger.

‘Welcome to Boing-Boing Burger, where life’s a holiday!’ quoth the woman at the counter.

And the New Guy said unto them: ‘Tryeth the fries!’

And the Dudes didst place their orders.

‘Wouldst thou liketh to Plus Size that?’ quoth the clerk.

And the New Guy said unto them: ‘Tryeth the fries!’

‘Aye!’ quoth the Dudes, and Scoot didst pay for it with his PermaDebt Card, saying, ‘I hope I never loseth me wallet!’

‘Goodstuff!’ quoth Nori. ‘Mmm… deep fat fried… I canst feel my arteries clogging as I eateth it… Too bad Fuct’s dead and that fat bitch Butt’s always on a diet, or I wouldst have invited them!’

‘Hey!’ quoth the Hans, and he didst look under the bun, saying, ‘Where’s the beef!’

‘Possibly ’tis in the milkshakes!’ quoth Nori.

‘Is it in the Vegetarian Salad?’ quoth Adria.

‘Methinks it’s in the cheap plastic toy,’ quoth Casey as he didst gnaw on it, saying, ‘When’s my food coming?’

‘I think it doth get cooked out of the burger before we getteth it,’ quoth Scoot.

‘Thou’rt such a smartass!’ quoth Dirty Uncle Orty.

‘Aye,’ quoth Nori, ‘I know not how his ass got to be so smart, but otherwise ye all have the collective IQ of a doorstop. Where doth he come up with this shit?’

‘I don’t know,’ quoth Casey, and he didst get slimed.

‘Eww!’ cried Orty, for he had also gotten splashed, ‘green Fake-Shake!’

‘Beware!’ cried Nori, ‘Let not the fake-shake get anywhere near thy mouth, dumbass!’

And it came to pass that the Dudes didst eat the place completely out of stock.

‘Oh well,’ quoth Casey, ‘ye know what they sayeth: modulation in all things.’

And the Dudes didst fall down.

If thou doth decide to go home, turn thee to IV.

If thou doth decide to wander some more (and perhaps burneth off a few calories), turn thee to XXVI.

Or, if thou’rt still hungry, turn thee to XIII.

‘Well,’ quoth Scoot, ‘at least ’tis not the haunted outhouse I ran into in the vast forests of Alaska.’

‘H-h-h-haunted…’ quoth Casey.

‘Fear not, O Beige Knight,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for only unfortunate wanders ever findeth that terrible place. Now let us go forth.’

And so the Dudes came unto the Outhouse of Time, but ’twas obvious to even they that it was too small for all of them to fitteth inside of at once.

‘We must decideth who shalt go,’ quoth Scoot.

‘Way to go, Captain Obvious,’ quoth Nori.

‘I volunteereth,’ quoth RJ.

‘Not with that Hyper-X Buttplate, thou’rt not!’ quoth the Hans.

‘Wheresoever I goest,’ quoth he, ‘there shalt my buttplate also go.’

‘Okay, Mr Hot Pants,’ quoth Nori, ‘thou’rt staying.’

‘Counteth me out!’ quoth Adria. ‘This place doth stink unto high heaven!’

‘Booby,’ quoth Scoot, ‘we may need thy flying carpet.’

‘No way!’ quoth Booby. ‘ ’Tis not Scotch-Guarded!’

‘I fear no shit!’ quoth Casey.

‘And thou doth not fit either, thou big galoot!’ quoth Nori.

‘I canst sure as hell try!’

‘This doth seriously cramp my style,’ quoth Dirty Uncle Orty, ‘but I shall go forth.’

‘Good,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Lead, on Yoco.’

And so Scoot, the Hans, Nori, Orty, and Casey didst manage to sqeezeth into the Outhouse.

‘Holy shit!’ cried Nori, and she didst plug her nose. ‘Loki was here, alright!’

If No 1, turn thee to III.

If No 2, turn thee to XXII.


And ’twas a most unfortunate sound to the Dudes’ ears.

And it came to pass that the Dudes didst find Loki, for he had been cornered by a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

‘I couldst useth a little help here!’ quoth he.

‘We’ll save ye!’ cried Orty, Yoco and Casey.

And they didst power up and beat the crap out of Mr T Rex.

‘Many thanks!’ cried Loki, ‘for surely he wouldst have eaten me alive!’

‘So,’ quoth Nori, ‘doth any of ye geniuses remember where we left the fucking Outhouse?’

If thou doth go forth and search for the Outhouse, turn thee to XXVII.

If thou doth just sit on thine asses, turn thee to XXVIII.
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