FicWad

Nothing felt like being home. I could only think of one thing better than sleeping in your own bed, sleeping in your own bed with your partner and baby. Yes, that without a doubt would have made this much better. But still, it was a good change. I had tried to make myself feel brave and strong, thinking I didn't need anyone to help me, to make me. The truth is, I do. You just aren't the same when you aren't you, and you aren't you if you aren't happy. You can't be happy if he isn't on your side. Now you see my problem. I'm not sure who's side to be on, or who's side they're on. Brendon or Gerard? It was the same question that seemed to be racing through my mind nonstop. I think I knew the answer though, why try and change something when it was already nearly perfect. I may love Brendon but I love Gerard too. I feel like I could be totally comfortable with Gerard, forever and an eternity. He just needed to be gentle, not push into things.

I was currently laying in bed, unable to force myself up. I had a plan, to stay in this bed all day. However, I soon realized I wouldn't be able to do that. I wanted to see my baby. I wanted to hold her close and know she wouldn't go anywhere. The five month old was my life, my pride and joy. I was worried about Lilly though, she was so mature for her age. She had just turned 11, she grew up so fast. I still remember when I first met Gerard, she had only been 9 at the time. Instead of listening to Hannah Montana she had found a new interest in rock. It was hard for her not to though, it was in a way destined for her. The only people she ever would have a chance to hear music with would be Katy, Hayley, Gerard, Brendon, or me. All of which had similar tastes in music. Lilly was smart enough to know something was wrong. She had already been through too much stress, she didn't need any more.

A knock was signaled at the door, Gerard came in soon after. I tried smoothing my hair down, to lock at least somewhat presentable. Then again, I had no use of doing so. Gerard had seen me at my best, but he'd also seen me at me worse. “We need to talk.” I was scared of what he had to say. “You have beautiful eyes, stop hiding them.” Gee brushed the strands of hair from my eyes and tucked them behind my ear. “That's better. I just feel like we need to talk. Because, if this is going to work we need to get some understanding between us.”

I nodded, “I agree. Where should we begin?”

“At the very beginning of course. You seem like a stranger to me now. I want to understand everything about you again. I want everything to be just like it was before. Why did you deny the proposal. I don't believe the reasons you told me. I want to know the truth.”

I sighed, this wasn't going to be as easy as I had hoped for. My mind flashed back to when he had said forever and always, when all those joyous times were shared. It had only come to an end when my life had come to a shattering stop. “Life was so chaotic. I wasn't ready for marriage, Gerard. I was so scared and confused. I couldn't stop thinking, 'Jesus, I think I'm in love with my best friend.' When you proposed to me, something triggered in my mind, really just a terrible chain of reactions. I really felt that you were using me, taking my parents death and my instability and using it to your own advantage. I didn't like how every time I was around you I worried about the smallest things, like if my hair looked alright. When I'm with Brendon, I don't worry and I feel much more carefree. I don't have to worry about anything with Brendon. When I'm with you, I feel like I'm constantly getting embarrassed because you're just too damn perfect, nothing you do could make you look like a fool. You're so collected and sure of things, and here I am, confused, alone, and crazy. When I'm with you, I feel like I wear my heart on my sleeve. I constantly catch myself working so hard, trying to also be perfect. When I'm with Brendon, I'm myself. Until now, I didn't realize that the feelings and differences between you and Brendon are: I'm in love with you. I just love Brendon. I worry about the simple and small things with you because, I want you to be impressed and love me. With Brendon, I know I always will have a place in his heart. I have to fight for yours.”

Gerard groaned in response, running his fingertips through his hair, pulsing his temples. “Why won't you ever realize, you have my heart. I can and will only ever love you. There never be anyone else. I'm in love with you, Rose. That's why I proposed to you. That's why I had a daughter with you. That's why I've become so close to your family, your friends. They're now also a part of me. Why do you think I feel as close to Lilly as I do, I feel like she's my daughter too. Why do you think I'm still trying to compete with Brendon? Why didn't I quit when I first realized that he would always win. That you would never choose me over him. That's why I let myself get heartbroken everyday, seeing you love some other man. Not because I love you. But because I'm in love with you. The feelings I have toward you are beyond passionate. No words describe it. I'm in love with you, I just wish you'd choose me.”

“I have chosen you.” Gerard's head shot up in shock. “If I hadn't of chosen you I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have gotten into that car and let you bring me home. I want to be with you. I want to raise our children together. I want to have your children and be your wife.”

Gerard finally smiled. “That's all I wanted to hear. That basically covers my next topic too. I want to help raise Eliza and this unborn child with you. I was worried, you'd want to get rid of it or not want to be with me. Either way, leaving me away from the decisions of it.”

“This is our baby. Therefor, we'll raise it together as a family.”

“My last request isn't exactly a request, just a fact. I have a really big need to kiss you. It may possibly be even worse than my need to drink coffee at all hours of the day.”

I laughed at him. “Hm, then how about you get over here and kiss me.” Our lips clashed together. The emotions passed between each other were powerful, anger and regret, love and admiration, but most of all passion. We needed each other, and we couldn't hide it if we had wanted to.

Our moment was spoiled when we heard a cough from the doorway. We both looked up to a grinning Hayley. “I guess y'all like each other again. There are children in the room, jeez. Try and keep it PG.” My eyes had finally settled on the little thing in her arms. She started giggling and flailing her arms around. I jumped from the bed and grabbed my little girl. My five month old began to speak in her own little language.

“Awe, did my little girl miss me?” Eliza nuzzled her head in my shoulder. Gerard wrapped his arms around my waist from behind me, kissing my cheek then Eliza's forehead. I felt like I was at home, a sense of comfort overwhelmed me. Hayley had an intent gaze on us, never wavering. Eliza yawned and began to fall asleep. I opened the connecting door and gently placed her in her crib.

When I went back to the bedroom Hayley had taken a seat in the corner, Gerard was on the bed. Hayley stood up and embraced me in a big hug. “I was so worried about you. Are you okay?”

I knew the answer I should tell her, I should have lied to her and told her everything was perfect now. That there were no troubles with me anymore. With Hayley I couldn't do that though. She would know if I had lied, but I don't think I could have lied to my best friend even if I had wanted to. “It's getting better,” I said instead. I continued, “Gerard and I have spoken about what happened and why it happened. We've come to a good understanding that I just wasn't ready. It's too close to my parents and Maria's death. It seemed too much like he wasn't marrying me because he wanted to be my husband, but because he didn't want me to be hurt anymore. That and my confused emotions were enough to tip me off.”

Hayley didn't seem satisfied with my answer, she wanted more details but I wasn't going to give them to her. Gerard touched my belly and shook his head. How couldn't I tell Hayley, she was my best friend. Better yet, why couldn't I tell Hayley I was pregnant? I trusted Gerard's opinion, I would wait to tell Hayley. “So you're okay, Rose?”

“I'm fine,” I addressed Hayley. At that moment I realized something, I hadn't seen Lilly. “Where's Lilly?”

Hayley sighed before answering. “I imagine she went to her room. She's had a hard time the last couple days. She's just really scared.”

“I'll go check on her,” I rushed down the hall. Knocking on the door before walking in, I heard a “Leave me alone!” I wouldn't wait on her. I barged into the room, receiving a shocked little girl. She wiped at her eyes, I noticed they were bloodshot from crying.

“Can't you give me some privacy? You got it, why can't I?” Lilly sassed at me. Her words were like daggers to my heart, showing just how much I truly had failed as her step-in mother. “Excuse me?”

She took no pause before continuing on, “Get out of my room now!”

I shook my head at her, “You don't make the rules at my house.”

“This isn't even your house. It's Gerard's. And Gerard has adopted me. He's more like my family than you are. I'd rather be with him than you. I wish he'd just kick you out so you would finally leave us be. Don't you understand that you've done enough to us? What's your point of coming back, you've hurt us quite enough.”

“You don't speak to an adult like that.” I warned her.

Lilly only laughed at me. “Well you don't tell me what to do. Maybe I'll listen to you when you begin acting like an adult. Until then, get out and leave me alone.”

My voice bellowed down the hallway. “Until you decide to speak like a lady and be reasonable then shut up!”

She looked at me as if I had just killed her dog. “You disgust me,” she snarled.

I shrugged my shoulders. “I disgust you, you tick me off.” A barely there smile came into view. Whether it was in success of finally making me mad or because she wanted to back down I was unsure of. “By the way, you're grounded if you hadn't already figured.” I wasn't quite sure if that's what I was suppose to do. I didn't know how to mother a tween yet, and I had so far found it very difficult. It's different when you're a mother of a 11 year old. You've had 11 years to learn how to discipline. It's a different story when you've been the sister for 11 years, your only job to annoy.

“Is everything okay in here?” Gerard asked wearily from the door.

Lilly ran from her bed and grabbed Gerard's arm. Pleading to him she said, “Make her go, Gee. Please get her to leave me alone. It's not fair. She isn't being fair.”

I felt hazel eyes on me, as if saying “Deal with this, Rose.”. Instead he said, “I'm sure she has a reason. What's wrong?”

“Ugh! She grounded me for nothing! I did nothing to her. I practically said nothing, but she still for some reason grounded me. It makes no sense. Life is so unfair.” Lilly droned. I had to try my hardest not to laugh, she could be an amazing actress.

“She's being very disrespectful. I grounded her because it's a just punishment.”

My sister rolled her eyes. “She barged into my room when I told her not to. I was crying and didn't want her to see me like that.”

“Why were you crying?” Gerard asked.

“Because I'm scared of what's happening.” Lilly took a deep breath before closing her eyes and spitting out everything on her mind. “I'm scared that you and Rose are going to break up and I won't have anywhere to go. I'm scared that Rose is going to end up like my parents from her random insanity. I'm scared that mom and dad are affecting Rose. I'm scared, that if you continue being this way I'm going to lose the little bit that I still have.”

I was shocked at what she was saying. I was appalled with myself that I had let such a young girl worry about something, worry about me. Gerard and I spoke the same words. “Everything is going to be okay; with us and with you.”

Sorrow filled Lilly's eyes. “I wish I could believe you but I find myself believing in life less each day. I can't believe you when you say everything's going to be okay.” Her attention shifted to Gerard. “How can you be so naive to believe her when she says she loves you? Maybe she lied all along? To all of us. She left so suddenly last time, what makes you think she won't do it again. Don't you wish you could believe her?”