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Scratch, scratch, scratch.

The sound of pencil on paper was driving me insane.
And the clock ticking.
And the occasional hopeless grunt from another student.

I hated practice papers. Even more than the real test. Quite a bit more. I grew tired of tapping my pencil of the desk and checked the time. Five minutes. I helplessly threw my head on the paper in vain, I would never get this thing done - I was only about halfway through it. With absolutely no hope in my abilities, I shot through the pages, writing anything. Suddenly, and all too soon, the sound of the bell ringing pierced my ears. I sighed and packed my bag - not that there was any point, it would get thrown around regardless - and left the class, English paper left on my desk. Not long had I left the room I was ambushed. All boys, all douche-bags. I couldn't really be bothered with all the hassle so I gave up my bag.
"Awww, now that's no fun!"
"Yeah, put up a fight you pussy!"
I remained silent.
"Fine. Let's see you won't scream now then fag"
They were like dogs, they could smell fear.

I slammed the door shut on my way in, possibly giving Brendon the biggest fright of his life.
"I've got some studying to do, I'm going upstairs don't bother me"
"Aww dude, again?"
I'd known Brendon since first year, not to long considering we were in sixth year, but he could read me like a book despite.
I stayed still - I had a habit of doing so.
"Look it's not a big deal"
"You got all your stuff?"
I nodded. That much was true, I only ever carried my notepad and sketchbooks in my bag as he rest remained in my locker out of harms way, and so the guys always discarded it in disappointment.
"Sure your okay?"
I made the mistake of looking up at him.
"Jesus Christ! Come here you poor thing.."
"Get oooffff" I cried in despair as he tampered with tissues and water and weird medical stuff.
My pleads were ignored.
"What have they done to you?"
Everything was awkward and silent. He just shook his head.
We were both crying, and when he threw his arms around me in a tight hug I could feel the clammy, warm tears against the back of my neck.

Brendon was like my anchor. The only thing that stopped me from dying inside. He has his problems to I'll admit, he never wears short sleeved shirts... I know why but he would never admit it - he hates people to see him upset. But he is the only on this world that truly loves me, would miss me if I was gone. Likewise, of course, I love him more than anything in the world. Anybody can judge, and everybody does, but we don't care. He doesn't. That's just one of the things that makes him so amazing. But I was a horrible boyfriend. I was snappy, anxious, defensive and on the edge of a mental breakdown.


I didn't hug him back.
I cried myself to sleep that night.


I woke, Brendon by my side. Still asleep. I kissed him on the forehead and left.

It sounds crazy, but I carry a gun with me everywhere. Trust me, when you live in New Jersey your gonna need to. So I didn't plan anything, don't be getting stupid ideas in your head.
The final exam was today, but before even thinking about that, I went to collect my practise. I gingerly crept in.
"Miss..?"
"Ryan...I didn't receive your paper."
Slightly stunned I stood silent.
She began to shake her head at me.
I walked out with a meek thanks and started on my way to he study hall when one of the boys from the day before hopped in front of me.
"Looking for this?" He grinned and showed me a scrunched up price of paper. My test.

Something in my head clicked. I lost control of myself and what I did. And what I did was push past him, continuing on to the study hall. As I reached the entrance I knew what I was doing. Nobody turned a head, nobody but my Brendon. He looked terrified. Maybe I did too, I felt it. When I reached the front of the hall everyone looked up. I smiled at Brendon, my poor confused Brendon. "Goodbye." I whispered in my head. And then I did it. I pulled out the machinery and put it to my head. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Brendon begin to get up and shout but it was too late, I was already gone.




TEENAGE BOY SHOOTS HIMSELF IN FRONT OF CLASS

Yesterday, eighteen year old boy Ryan Ross put a bullet through his head, deemed to be the cause if bullying. His year were sitting their final exam, when Ryan walked casually in, marched to the front of the hall and shot himself right in the head. Boyfriend, Brendon Urie, also eighteen, kindly spoke to us about the traumatic experience.
"It almost didn't feel real. I think I knew he was going to [ Commit suicide] from the moment he stepped inside. He's been bullied since he was much smaller before I knew him. But..he has always kept it to himself..and like, brushed it aside..and...." The poor boy burst into tears before finishing. But this is a perfect example of just how much harm bullying can do to people, and others around them. Maybe one day we can get rid of it completely, we all know it's wrong, so why do it?