Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Against My Rules
Raise your hand if you love Cute Is What We Aim For and actually understand the title of this chapter! ~Puts hand in the air gleefully~ Yeah… I’m probably the only one who gets it. You could always look up the lyrics to the song, though. I was actually gonna call this chapter 'Comatose' considering some of the stuff I'm putting in here and how it relates. Plus I can't stop listening to Skillet today :) So, just a random question... what are your guy’s killjoy names? Leave a review and let me know... mine's Blaque Liberation. (And no... it has nothing to do with Blaque Audio. I just like spelling it that way.) It was originally Detonation Ragdoll after everybody started coming up with their names, but I think I like this one a teeny bit better. Anyway... ~glares at keyboard and chuckles evilly~ Ohh... it's go time.
I yawned and pulled my pillow closer. It had recently become my second best friend in the past two days, though it wasn’t as valuable as my bottle of vodka I held close to my chest. Nobody had spoken to me since I crashed on my bunk that night. Nobody was even in the room when I pulled part of my beloved stash of liquor from my suitcase. Mandy had tried to call me after Adam texted her the day after, but I refused to answer and took the battery out of my phone. If I didn’t have my ‘big brother’, I didn’t want anything else. If my life had been so disgusting the thought of it made me want to retch before this happened, then what was it now? Enough to make me want to run out of the bus and off myself? If I wasn’t cradling a quarter of a bottle of vodka, then probably.
It wouldn't be long before I had to get out a second bottle, but I wouldn't mind getting out of that tiny bunk for a moment. Of course, a moment in the light would be all I could handle before the rest of my sanity went down the drain. I sighed quietly and pressed the bottle to my lips and tilted my head back. I didn't even mind the burn as it hit my throat. It felt nice to know that I wasn't numb to pain yet. But it wouldn't last forever. I wouldn't feel it anymore, and I would just keep drinking until I felt something. Anything. The only think I currently felt was my head still throbbing. I had somehow managed to get the blood out of my hair, even though I didn't even remember what happened very well.
Everything had gone by in a blur. Maybe I just didn't want to remember. Or maybe I couldn't. I kind of hoped that I couldn't, since I figured it would be better if I didn't know. It was normal for me to have memory lapses when I was chugging my booze, but I think that part of the problem was my head in the first place. Whatever was wrong with it, it hurt like hell. I used the trick my mama had taught me of using two mirrors to see the back of your hair to check the damage. Even though my eyesight was a little blurry, there was definitely a large gash. My hair was sticky and covered in blood. I wondered exactly how much it had bled before it finally stopped. It probably hadn't lasted too long, but I couldn't be sure.
I made a mental list of the things that I knew had happened: I had left the concert in search of Jay. I wasn't positive of what he was doing when I found him, so I just disregarded it. After all, it couldn't be that important. Anyway, I remember a small shouting match that followed up with whatever had happened to my head. I knew I had kicked him once or twice, but only because I was pinned against a wall. And then something he said stuck clearly in my memory. That beautiful accent and those hate filled words. I wish you were dead.
I would never forget that. Even if some things were hard to recall, I would always know just what a pain in the ass he considered me. I had always loved the Italian language. Especially when he spoke it. There was something about the way he only used it for saying meaningful things or something that was supposed to be secretive that just made me love it even more. He taught me a lot of the language when we were kids. His father was Italian, so both Jay and his little sister Lily had to learn it and perfect it. After I met Jay, I thought it was amazing that he could speak another language. I begged him to teach me some, and he taught me a lot over the years. The first phrase I ever learned was 'cara mia, la bella.'. It meant 'my beautiful beloved'.
That phrase somehow stuck with me as I grew up. And the more I thought about it, the more I loved that phrase. I never actually heard anyone use it until I was fourteen. And the person that did was Jay. It was a week or so after my mama had died, and he had snuck into my room again. He'd been asleep for a few hours, but I was still awake. I just lay in bed and stared at my wall. I remember that in that silence, I heard my mama's voice. I heard her call my name from the living room. I had opened my mouth to answer, but it dawned on me that I would never truly hear her voice again. So instead of a reply, the only sound I uttered was a choked sob. It was quiet, and almost inaudible. I gripped my pillow in my fists and let the hot tears fall down my face. I didn't even hear Jay move.
I felt a hand on my arm. I didn't even respond. I closed my eyes and tried to look as if I was asleep. "Becca? Was that you?" he asked quietly. I bit my lip to try and make the tears stop.
I could hear the worry in his voice as he spoke. "Becca, please answer me. I know you're awake." I bit down harder on my lip. I wanted to answer him. I really did. But what would I say? Surely I couldn't tell him I was 'alright'. Because I was far from that.
Jay sat down on the edge of my bed. He didn't say anything more. He simply moved his hand. He gently brushed my dark hair away from my face so I couldn't hide. I let out a small sob and opened my eyes. I could see the fear in his eyes. He didn't want to see me like this. I never cried in front of anyone, and he was no exception.
But I knew I couldn’t avoid Jay. His big blue eyes were filled with concern, and I couldn’t handle knowing that he was worried about me. I slowly sat up a bit and averted my eyes from his steady gaze. He gently pulled me into his arms.
I moved closer to him as he held me tight. The tears didn’t stop, though. They just kept coming. I clung to him like he was my lifeline. Jay meant everything to me. And I needed him more than my own breath right now.
“Shh…” he whispered. “Cara mia, la bella… please don’t cry. You have to be strong through this.”
I bit down on my lip as hard as I could. I had to stop, if only for him… for the one who was my everything.
I clutched my bottle tighter and gritted my teeth. No. It wasn’t real. He never meant it. I quickly downed the rest of the vodka and held the bottle close to my chest. I stared into space, deep in thought. “I can’t…” I whispered quietly to myself. “I swear to god that I will never get that close to a man again. I’d rather kill someone than do that.”
And I would, too. It wouldn’t be hard to protect myself like that. I have the temper to do so. But if I did get close to someone, could I even attempt to hurt them? A complete stranger, sure. But when I care for someone, they become sacred. Only because of how I grew up am I like that. But that little rule will always stand.
I feel so guilty that this chapter was so short... I just can't write anymore. I really wanna write the next one though... I've been waiting so long to post it that it's pure agony. It shouldn't take too long, but with that evil little virus that decided to attack my computer, I can't be sure. R&R plz!!!
I yawned and pulled my pillow closer. It had recently become my second best friend in the past two days, though it wasn’t as valuable as my bottle of vodka I held close to my chest. Nobody had spoken to me since I crashed on my bunk that night. Nobody was even in the room when I pulled part of my beloved stash of liquor from my suitcase. Mandy had tried to call me after Adam texted her the day after, but I refused to answer and took the battery out of my phone. If I didn’t have my ‘big brother’, I didn’t want anything else. If my life had been so disgusting the thought of it made me want to retch before this happened, then what was it now? Enough to make me want to run out of the bus and off myself? If I wasn’t cradling a quarter of a bottle of vodka, then probably.
It wouldn't be long before I had to get out a second bottle, but I wouldn't mind getting out of that tiny bunk for a moment. Of course, a moment in the light would be all I could handle before the rest of my sanity went down the drain. I sighed quietly and pressed the bottle to my lips and tilted my head back. I didn't even mind the burn as it hit my throat. It felt nice to know that I wasn't numb to pain yet. But it wouldn't last forever. I wouldn't feel it anymore, and I would just keep drinking until I felt something. Anything. The only think I currently felt was my head still throbbing. I had somehow managed to get the blood out of my hair, even though I didn't even remember what happened very well.
Everything had gone by in a blur. Maybe I just didn't want to remember. Or maybe I couldn't. I kind of hoped that I couldn't, since I figured it would be better if I didn't know. It was normal for me to have memory lapses when I was chugging my booze, but I think that part of the problem was my head in the first place. Whatever was wrong with it, it hurt like hell. I used the trick my mama had taught me of using two mirrors to see the back of your hair to check the damage. Even though my eyesight was a little blurry, there was definitely a large gash. My hair was sticky and covered in blood. I wondered exactly how much it had bled before it finally stopped. It probably hadn't lasted too long, but I couldn't be sure.
I made a mental list of the things that I knew had happened: I had left the concert in search of Jay. I wasn't positive of what he was doing when I found him, so I just disregarded it. After all, it couldn't be that important. Anyway, I remember a small shouting match that followed up with whatever had happened to my head. I knew I had kicked him once or twice, but only because I was pinned against a wall. And then something he said stuck clearly in my memory. That beautiful accent and those hate filled words. I wish you were dead.
I would never forget that. Even if some things were hard to recall, I would always know just what a pain in the ass he considered me. I had always loved the Italian language. Especially when he spoke it. There was something about the way he only used it for saying meaningful things or something that was supposed to be secretive that just made me love it even more. He taught me a lot of the language when we were kids. His father was Italian, so both Jay and his little sister Lily had to learn it and perfect it. After I met Jay, I thought it was amazing that he could speak another language. I begged him to teach me some, and he taught me a lot over the years. The first phrase I ever learned was 'cara mia, la bella.'. It meant 'my beautiful beloved'.
That phrase somehow stuck with me as I grew up. And the more I thought about it, the more I loved that phrase. I never actually heard anyone use it until I was fourteen. And the person that did was Jay. It was a week or so after my mama had died, and he had snuck into my room again. He'd been asleep for a few hours, but I was still awake. I just lay in bed and stared at my wall. I remember that in that silence, I heard my mama's voice. I heard her call my name from the living room. I had opened my mouth to answer, but it dawned on me that I would never truly hear her voice again. So instead of a reply, the only sound I uttered was a choked sob. It was quiet, and almost inaudible. I gripped my pillow in my fists and let the hot tears fall down my face. I didn't even hear Jay move.
I felt a hand on my arm. I didn't even respond. I closed my eyes and tried to look as if I was asleep. "Becca? Was that you?" he asked quietly. I bit my lip to try and make the tears stop.
I could hear the worry in his voice as he spoke. "Becca, please answer me. I know you're awake." I bit down harder on my lip. I wanted to answer him. I really did. But what would I say? Surely I couldn't tell him I was 'alright'. Because I was far from that.
Jay sat down on the edge of my bed. He didn't say anything more. He simply moved his hand. He gently brushed my dark hair away from my face so I couldn't hide. I let out a small sob and opened my eyes. I could see the fear in his eyes. He didn't want to see me like this. I never cried in front of anyone, and he was no exception.
But I knew I couldn’t avoid Jay. His big blue eyes were filled with concern, and I couldn’t handle knowing that he was worried about me. I slowly sat up a bit and averted my eyes from his steady gaze. He gently pulled me into his arms.
I moved closer to him as he held me tight. The tears didn’t stop, though. They just kept coming. I clung to him like he was my lifeline. Jay meant everything to me. And I needed him more than my own breath right now.
“Shh…” he whispered. “Cara mia, la bella… please don’t cry. You have to be strong through this.”
I bit down on my lip as hard as I could. I had to stop, if only for him… for the one who was my everything.
I clutched my bottle tighter and gritted my teeth. No. It wasn’t real. He never meant it. I quickly downed the rest of the vodka and held the bottle close to my chest. I stared into space, deep in thought. “I can’t…” I whispered quietly to myself. “I swear to god that I will never get that close to a man again. I’d rather kill someone than do that.”
And I would, too. It wouldn’t be hard to protect myself like that. I have the temper to do so. But if I did get close to someone, could I even attempt to hurt them? A complete stranger, sure. But when I care for someone, they become sacred. Only because of how I grew up am I like that. But that little rule will always stand.
I feel so guilty that this chapter was so short... I just can't write anymore. I really wanna write the next one though... I've been waiting so long to post it that it's pure agony. It shouldn't take too long, but with that evil little virus that decided to attack my computer, I can't be sure. R&R plz!!!
Sign up to rate and review this story