Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo

Apocrypha 1-1

by shadesmaclean 0 reviews

Return to the Outhouse of Time

Category: Humor - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Fantasy,Humor - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2011-01-27 - Updated: 2011-01-27 - 1179 words - Complete

I come bearing strange tidings!

(Nori the Cursing Faerie butteth in: ‘Is there but any other kind with him?’)

grabbeth Nori and stuffeth her in coat pocket (muffled cursing)

Anyhoo, whilst I was oot scootin’ aboot in the Hondonian Archives, I didst come upon a long-lost text, believed to have once been part of the Lost Flathead Lake Scrolls. The translated excerpts contained herein art believed to be concerned with the Prophecy of the Seventh Generation, though I am not yet certain in what way. ’Twas a strange tale, indeed, but I have illuminated it for thee.

(NOTE: This story doth contain vague references to The Dark Tower V, but doth NOT contain any story/event spoilers (sorry, SK, ’tis too good a word to abandon :) ). Those who hath read the book wilt have a few good laughs, and if thou hast not read the book, then the references wilt be totally lost on thee, or make no sense until thou hast read the book. I sayeth this in light of recent events, and promise that no one who readeth this tale shalt have anything good roont for them.)

It may not be the New & Improved Testament, but try to enjoy it whilst it lasteth...

-Standing backwards, Scoot.

ADDITIONAL NOTE TO PRESENT READERS: Contains references to members of other message boards, notably (RIP), and the original Green Mile (presently on hold), hence the names Milers and Soldiers of the 'Wise. This story was written long after the first book, as part of one of the Mile's occasional Writing Challenges, in this case being a story about other members.

“Concerning the Seventh Generation”
(Or, “The Sword, the Prophecy, and the Outhouse”
Or, “The Milers Meet the Soldiers of the ’Wise”

(The Ultimate Message Board Crossover) )

“Return to the Outhouse of Time” (The Milers)

And so it came to pass that the Gods of Hondo were oot scootin’ aboot, when they came upon an outhouse in the middle of nowhere.

‘Hark!’ spake Derrick, God of Fist-Pounding, ‘This is most particular!’

‘If ye say so,’ spake Matt, God of Everything Else.

‘Aye,’ spake the God of Dammit, ‘but good for me, for I must taketh a shit.’

‘Ye do that,’ spake the God of Killer Sneeches. ‘Thou shouldst really lay off the chili-dogs…’

And so Derrick didst go into the outhouse, but when he was finished wiping his ass, he didst step out of the outhouse and found himself standing outside of an important-looking building.

And he didst enter the building, and therein were the Founding Fathers, for they were writing the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. And the God of Stupidity said unto them: ‘Hey dudes! May’st I taketh a look?’

‘Um… Okay…’ quoth George Washington.

And the God of Evil didst read of the document, and said unto them: ‘Thou shouldst addeth another Amendment, something like “Congress shalt maketh no law prohibiting the right to wear spandex.” ’

‘Cool!’ quoth George Washington.

‘A most radical idea!’ quoth Benjamin Franklin.

And so it came to pass that the 10¾ Amendment was ratified, and the God of Orange Juice Drinking didst go back to the Outhouse well-pleased with himself. And he didst enter therein once more, and when he stepped out, he didst emerge on a prehistoric plain, with dinosaurs roaming about.

And a certain Tyrannosaurus Rex didst stomp up to him, and saw that he looked good to eat. But just as he was about to try to eat the God of Magic, he didst sneezeth in T-Rex’s face.

‘Oops…’ spake he, ‘I hope no one saw that.’ And he didst duck back into the Outhouse.

And this time he didst come out in the midst of a wond’rous ancient city. And there were great shimmering spires and streets paved with gold, and common objects studded with gems of many colors and facets.

‘Wow!’ spake the God of Humor, and he didst wander around this city of wonders.

And he didst come upon the biggest, shiniest gem he had ever seen, just stuck in the ground.

‘Ooh… Shiny…’ spake the God of Hawai’ian Shirts, and he didst yank the stone out of the ground.

And a great torrent of water came forth from the hole, and when the people saw what the God of Stupidity had done, there were cries of: ‘Thou fool! Thou dung-eating fool! Thou hast pulled the Great Crystal Plug of the God Poseidon!’ and ‘Atlantis is doomed!’

‘Uh-oh…’ spake the God of Magic, and he didst wade back to the Outhouse before it too was submerged in the sinking of the island.

And he didst manage to hold his breath long to be washed out in the middle of nowhere, and he didst wander the land. At last he came upon the Annual Miler Meeting at the Second Church of Hondo in Shitsplat (which is Havre), and the Milers didst look upon him with some confusion.

But after a moment of quantemplation, the Milers didst welcome him, bowing and tapping their throats thrice, saying: ‘Long days and pleasant nights, stranger. We art the Milers.’

And Nytrydr (Tower Junkie) said unto him, ‘Wouldst thou tell us who thou art, that thou might joineth our party?’

‘I am Derrick, God of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions,’ spake the God of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions, ‘and I accept thine invitation, for I am lost and confusticated, and couldst useth some refreshment.’

‘And give ye joy of it, sai Derrick!’ quoth AuntyNay4 (Tower Junkie).

‘Derrick…’ quoth Kathy5 (Miler), and she didst quantemplate for moment, then said unto them, ‘ ’Tis a God of Hondo! We’ve not heard of ye for many and many-a! Eat and drink as much as ye wish, Lord Derrick.’

‘Thank’ee sai!’ spake the God of Odnoh, and he didst.

And after they didst hold palaver, and the God of Nipples didst explain his situation, saying unto them: ‘I am on a quest for the Outhouse of Time. Wouldst thou not help me upon my way?’

‘Aye, let’s,’ quoth be81827 (Miler), ‘for he is lost and confusticated, hear me, I beg.’

‘Hear him! Hear him!’ quoth the Milers.

‘We hear ye, I say thank ya,’ quoth Ree (Miler), ‘and ye say true. Now let us decide who among us shalt travel with Lord Derrick, for ’twould be too complicated for us all to go.’

And the Milers didst join Derrick’s party. And they didst decide that Nytrydr, AuntyNay4, be81827, Kathy5, and Ree wouldst accompany the God of Flirting on his quest.

And there was much rejoicing.

And the next day, the Milers didst suggest that Derrick goeth back the way from whence he came, and they didst come upon the Outhouse.

‘Well,’ quoth Ree, ‘that was quick.’

‘D’oh!’ spake the God of M&Ms.

‘Aye,’ quoth Nytrydr, ‘but I thinketh we shouldst follow him until he reacheth his own where and when, ye ken?’

And so the Milers didst agree to keep the God of Fist-Pounding from doing too many stupid things to history.
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