Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo
CHAPTER 2
“Asleep at the Wheel” (The Soldiers of the ’Wise)
And it came to pass that Scoot the Ko’An was asleep at the wheel of the Scoot Mobile, and knew not whither he had gone.
‘Dammit, Scoot! Ye got us lost, again!’ quoth Nori the Cursing Faerie.
‘Mayhap, I shouldst not have taken the Scoot Mobile to a quantum mechanic…’ quoth Scoot.
‘Aye!’ quoth Loki Amaya (Position Pending*), for he was just along for the ride. ‘An 1884 Chevy Shit-Mobile… Who’d’ve thought?’
‘All the same,’ quoth Nori, ‘wouldst thou please keep thy fucking eyes on the road? Those Roman chariots art going to run us over if thou’rt not careful!’
‘Sorry,’ quoth Scoot, ‘but we seemeth to be going around in circles, and I canst not find the off-ramp…’
‘Shit-mobile, indeed!’ quoth Nori. ‘Didst thou not see Ben Hur lap us yet again?’
‘But Scoot hath it floored,’ quoth Loki. ‘Why didst that quantum mechanic install such ass-backwards controls?’
‘I do not know,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Perhaps if I presseth the Y button…’
‘NNOOO!!’ cried Nori.
And she didst open her eyes to see that they were now driving through the air.
‘What the bloody fuck?…’ quoth Nori. ‘How canst this be?’
‘Scoot Mobile hath wings!’ quoth Loki as he didst look outside.
‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot, ‘but I still hath no idea how to control this thing.’
And so it came to pass that the Scoot Mobile didst crash-land at a Pennywise concert, and there they didst find Matt, God of Moshing, rockin’ out with the Soldiers of the ’Wise.
‘Well rocketh mine ass and call me Shmiles,’ quoth Nori, ‘ ’Tis Matt, God of Moshing!’
‘Scoot! Nori!’ spake the God of Moshing, ‘Wtf art thou doing here?’
‘We were oot scootin’ aboot,’ quoth Scoot. And he didst explain about the Quantum Mechanic.
‘But what art thou doing in this when? ’Tis before we even met,’ quoth Scoot.
‘But how dost thou know we’rt in the past?’ quoth Nori.
‘How else couldst Jason Thirsk be playing up there?’ quoth Scoot.
‘Aye,’ spake the God of All Things Unfound, ‘but let us turn to more pleasant matters. Enjoy thee the show, for ’tis unlike anything thou shalt ever experience again!’
And the Dudes didst savor the moment of a lost era, living in that moment, and sampling the vibe to treasure for the rest of their days. And the show didst fuckin’ rock!
And there was much rejoicing.
And it came to pass that when the show was over, the God of Wookiees said unto them: ‘If thou’rt wondering what I am doing here, it is because I am searching for Derrick.’
‘In the past?’ quoth Scoot.
‘I know not when,’ spake the God of Militant Poetry, ‘for Derrick and I have discovered the legendary Outhouse of Time.’
‘The Outhouse of time!’ cried the Dudes in unison.
‘But I thought thou didst destroy the Outhouse of Time!’ quoth Nori.
‘I do not remember such a thing,’ spake the God of Tasting the Rainbow. ‘The Outhouse doth exist in many wheres and whens, and we may have entered it at time before ye did.’
‘Shit!’ quoth Nori, ‘Not this again!’
‘Look! ’Tis Matt, God of Vegemite!’ cried I Am Road Runner (’Prentice Dude), and the Soldiers of the ’Wise didst gather ’round.
‘Holy shit!’ cried the Ian (Useth Both Hands), ‘I have always wanted to meet thee!’
‘Aw, quit acting like such a n00b!’ quoth Breezypunk (Old School). ‘Let us heareth what he hath to say.’
‘Well,’ spake the God of Vegemite, ‘I am come—’
‘Yoda Talk!’ cried Ian.
‘Aw shit!’ quoth Breezy, ‘Well, goeth the neighborhood, there doth!’
‘455b46!’ quoth GOATMILKER06 (Soldier of the ’Wise), ‘Do that for, what didst thou?’
‘Go the Ian!’ quoth Road Runner.
‘ “Assbag”…’ quoth Nori, ‘Remembereth that, I must…’
‘Thinkest thyself such a l337 haxor, thou doth, GOATMILKER,’ quoth Offchick (La Chichona).
‘Anyhoo,’ spake the God of Shit-Weasels, ‘Lost Derrick, God of Hawai’ian Shirts, is. Loseth himself in the Outhouse of Time, he didst. Stranded anywhere or anywhen, he may be. Thy help I asketh in seeking him.’ (For even to gods doth Yoda Talk apply.)
And he didst tell his tale. Of how he didst come upon the Tower of Babel, and, finding the people in a state of confusion, he didst fold his arms, not his head, and wink, and didst provide them with Babblefish. And Jehovah was righteously pissed.
Of how he didst appear before William Shakespeare in a tripe, and didst teacheth him wire stunts for his own amusement.
Of how he had gone back in time to remind himself to make it to a dental appointment he didst miss before he became a God of Hondo.
‘Oh my fletch!’ quoth Road Runner, ‘Thou pwneth, mighty God of Duct Tape!’
And join Matt’s party, the Soldiers of the ’Wise didst.
*See also Macabre 9:40
“Asleep at the Wheel” (The Soldiers of the ’Wise)
And it came to pass that Scoot the Ko’An was asleep at the wheel of the Scoot Mobile, and knew not whither he had gone.
‘Dammit, Scoot! Ye got us lost, again!’ quoth Nori the Cursing Faerie.
‘Mayhap, I shouldst not have taken the Scoot Mobile to a quantum mechanic…’ quoth Scoot.
‘Aye!’ quoth Loki Amaya (Position Pending*), for he was just along for the ride. ‘An 1884 Chevy Shit-Mobile… Who’d’ve thought?’
‘All the same,’ quoth Nori, ‘wouldst thou please keep thy fucking eyes on the road? Those Roman chariots art going to run us over if thou’rt not careful!’
‘Sorry,’ quoth Scoot, ‘but we seemeth to be going around in circles, and I canst not find the off-ramp…’
‘Shit-mobile, indeed!’ quoth Nori. ‘Didst thou not see Ben Hur lap us yet again?’
‘But Scoot hath it floored,’ quoth Loki. ‘Why didst that quantum mechanic install such ass-backwards controls?’
‘I do not know,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Perhaps if I presseth the Y button…’
‘NNOOO!!’ cried Nori.
And she didst open her eyes to see that they were now driving through the air.
‘What the bloody fuck?…’ quoth Nori. ‘How canst this be?’
‘Scoot Mobile hath wings!’ quoth Loki as he didst look outside.
‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot, ‘but I still hath no idea how to control this thing.’
And so it came to pass that the Scoot Mobile didst crash-land at a Pennywise concert, and there they didst find Matt, God of Moshing, rockin’ out with the Soldiers of the ’Wise.
‘Well rocketh mine ass and call me Shmiles,’ quoth Nori, ‘ ’Tis Matt, God of Moshing!’
‘Scoot! Nori!’ spake the God of Moshing, ‘Wtf art thou doing here?’
‘We were oot scootin’ aboot,’ quoth Scoot. And he didst explain about the Quantum Mechanic.
‘But what art thou doing in this when? ’Tis before we even met,’ quoth Scoot.
‘But how dost thou know we’rt in the past?’ quoth Nori.
‘How else couldst Jason Thirsk be playing up there?’ quoth Scoot.
‘Aye,’ spake the God of All Things Unfound, ‘but let us turn to more pleasant matters. Enjoy thee the show, for ’tis unlike anything thou shalt ever experience again!’
And the Dudes didst savor the moment of a lost era, living in that moment, and sampling the vibe to treasure for the rest of their days. And the show didst fuckin’ rock!
And there was much rejoicing.
And it came to pass that when the show was over, the God of Wookiees said unto them: ‘If thou’rt wondering what I am doing here, it is because I am searching for Derrick.’
‘In the past?’ quoth Scoot.
‘I know not when,’ spake the God of Militant Poetry, ‘for Derrick and I have discovered the legendary Outhouse of Time.’
‘The Outhouse of time!’ cried the Dudes in unison.
‘But I thought thou didst destroy the Outhouse of Time!’ quoth Nori.
‘I do not remember such a thing,’ spake the God of Tasting the Rainbow. ‘The Outhouse doth exist in many wheres and whens, and we may have entered it at time before ye did.’
‘Shit!’ quoth Nori, ‘Not this again!’
‘Look! ’Tis Matt, God of Vegemite!’ cried I Am Road Runner (’Prentice Dude), and the Soldiers of the ’Wise didst gather ’round.
‘Holy shit!’ cried the Ian (Useth Both Hands), ‘I have always wanted to meet thee!’
‘Aw, quit acting like such a n00b!’ quoth Breezypunk (Old School). ‘Let us heareth what he hath to say.’
‘Well,’ spake the God of Vegemite, ‘I am come—’
‘Yoda Talk!’ cried Ian.
‘Aw shit!’ quoth Breezy, ‘Well, goeth the neighborhood, there doth!’
‘455b46!’ quoth GOATMILKER06 (Soldier of the ’Wise), ‘Do that for, what didst thou?’
‘Go the Ian!’ quoth Road Runner.
‘ “Assbag”…’ quoth Nori, ‘Remembereth that, I must…’
‘Thinkest thyself such a l337 haxor, thou doth, GOATMILKER,’ quoth Offchick (La Chichona).
‘Anyhoo,’ spake the God of Shit-Weasels, ‘Lost Derrick, God of Hawai’ian Shirts, is. Loseth himself in the Outhouse of Time, he didst. Stranded anywhere or anywhen, he may be. Thy help I asketh in seeking him.’ (For even to gods doth Yoda Talk apply.)
And he didst tell his tale. Of how he didst come upon the Tower of Babel, and, finding the people in a state of confusion, he didst fold his arms, not his head, and wink, and didst provide them with Babblefish. And Jehovah was righteously pissed.
Of how he didst appear before William Shakespeare in a tripe, and didst teacheth him wire stunts for his own amusement.
Of how he had gone back in time to remind himself to make it to a dental appointment he didst miss before he became a God of Hondo.
‘Oh my fletch!’ quoth Road Runner, ‘Thou pwneth, mighty God of Duct Tape!’
And join Matt’s party, the Soldiers of the ’Wise didst.
*See also Macabre 9:40
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