Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo
CHAPTER 3
“Yesterdays” (The Ancestors)
And it came to pass that the Dudes and the Soldiers of the ’Wise didst pass through many wheres and whens until they didst come upon a party on a quest.
‘Ahoy-hoy!’ spake the God of Puff-Puffs, ‘Who art thou?’
‘I am Brucewülf,’ quoth the leader of the party.
‘Brucewülf?’ quoth Scoot, ‘The son of Jerah the Punk, art thou not?’
‘Aye,’ quoth he, ‘but how didst thou know that?’
Quoth the Scootly One, ‘For thy great, great, great, great, grandson, am I, Scoot the Ko’An. And on a quest for the Lost Flathead Lake Scrolls, art thou not?’
‘How dost thou know that?’ spake a tall, red-headed member of the party.
‘Hey!’ quoth Nori, ‘Android 16, thou must be! Ancestor of Brian Fritz Pud Yoco Peppy McBean Oreamnos Americanus Something Pookie Skanky-Bitch the Hans*.’
And the rest of the party didst introduce themselves, and the Dudes didst figure out whom they wert. Extreme Jake, ancestor of Casey, the Beige Knight of Hondo; Mr Mystery, ancestor of Sir Richard, Black Knight of Odnoh and Patron Saint of Ass-Whoopin’ (New & Improved Angel of Death in some realities); the Reverend Jimmy, ancestor of Dirty Uncle Orty, High Demon of Odnoh; Little Slippery Dude, ancestor of the Prophetess Adria; Gwyn-Zen, the Guru of Math, ancestor of Myles the Unbeliever; and the Amazing Beardless Woman, ancestor of the High Priestess Jennifer.
‘According to the Flathead Lake Scrolls, destined thou art to help the Gods of Hondo,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Read them in mine own when, I hath.’
‘Join us, wilt thou?’ spake the God of Commala.
‘Perhaps,’ quoth Brucewülf, ‘for we art told that the Flathead Lake Scrolls art in the Land of Wind and Ghosts, or perhaps the Misplaced City of Constagando…’
Quoth Little Slippery Dude: ‘I’ll win y’all, kick ye in the shin, y’all! Tell y’all to sit on it and spin, y’all!’
‘Knowest thou The Legend of Billy V Gan!?’ quoth GOATMILKER06.
‘Aye,’ quoth Little Slippery Dude, ‘by heart.’
‘Let us join them,’ quoth Extreme Jake, ‘for they art with the Gods of Hondo.’
‘Aye,’ quoth the Reverend Jimmy, ‘let us.’
And the Ancestors didst join the Dudes and the Soldiers of the ’Wise. And they didst set out for parts unknown.
And in another where and when, they didst meet a stranger upon the road.
‘Ahoy-hoy!’ quoth the stranger, ‘who art thou, may I ask!’
‘I am Matt, God of the Far Side,’ spake the God of the Far Side. ‘And these art the Dudes and the Soldiers of the ’Wise. So, who art thou?’
‘I am called Jehoiachin, the True Lord of the Dance,’ quoth he.
‘Jehoiachin!?’ quoth Scoot. ‘Another of mine ancestors…’
‘Ancestors…’ quoth Jehoiachin.
‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot, ‘Thy descendent I am, Scoot the Ko’An, and another of thy descendents, Brucewülf, this is. On a quest to find Lord Derrick, we art.’
‘Aye,’ quoth Jehoiachin. ‘for I have seen him earlier, down the way.’
‘Many thanks,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Wouldst thou not showeth us the way?’
‘Aye,’ quoth he.
And Jehoiachin didst join the Dudes, the Soldiers of the ’Wise, and the Ancestors.
And down the way, they didst encounter another party, and one of the party said unto them, ‘Hile, stranger! We art well met! If thou telleth us who thou art, and we shall tell thee.’
‘I am Matt, God of—’
‘Matt!’ cried one of the party, and he didst run up and grabbeth him in a great bear-hug, saying, ‘Matt! Matt! I thought I wouldst never see thee again! I got lost in this outhouse, and didst run around like a buttmunch and…’
‘Derrick!’ spake the God of Sunstones, ‘Relaxeth! I am here, and now we shalt find our way back to our own where and when.’
‘Oh. Right,’ spake the God of Flirting.
‘Dammit, Derrick!’ spake the God of Hot Dogs & Apple Pie as he didst smack him over the head with a paper fan, ‘All over history, I have searched for thee! What wert thou doing!?’
‘Well,’ spake the God of Dammit, ‘I diddeth rewrite the Constitution,’ (‘Not good, this canst be…’ quoth Offchick.) ‘wiped out the dinosaurs, and sanketh Atlantis. What hast thou done today?’
‘Doomed humanity to five thousand years of endless war, reminded my former self of an important appointment, and gave Shakespeare more kung-fu action,’ spake the God of Freedom.
‘Now that back in our party is Lord Derrick,’ quoth Scoot, ‘set out for the Outhouse, shall we not, O Great God of Elton John?’
‘I am not the God of Elton John!’ spake the God of Not Being the God of Elton John. ‘He is!’
‘No I’m not! Matt is!’ spake the God of Evil. ‘I am just the God of his outfit!’
‘No, thou art the God of Elton John!’ spake the God of One To Go On Forever.
‘No! Thou art!…’ spake the God of Orange Juice Drinking.
‘Oy…’ quoth Scoot. ‘Let us saveth it for a Godly Challenge, what says thee?’
‘Aye,’ quoth Loki, ‘for surely ye misseth Scootly Ko’An Manor.’
‘Aye, I do…’ quoth Scoot.
‘Ye dumbass, Loki!’ quoth Nori. ‘Don’t ye remember? Destroyed was Scootly Ko’An Manor, when Cthulhu returned?’
‘Oh yeah, and what a mess that was…’ quoth Loki. ‘Wondering I was why thou’rt living at the headquarters of the Buddhist Liberation Front…’
And so the Milers didst join the Dudes, the Soldiers of the ’Wise and the Ancestors, and they didst set out for the Outhouse of Time, that they might findeth their way back to their own wheres and whens.
*in some realities
“Yesterdays” (The Ancestors)
And it came to pass that the Dudes and the Soldiers of the ’Wise didst pass through many wheres and whens until they didst come upon a party on a quest.
‘Ahoy-hoy!’ spake the God of Puff-Puffs, ‘Who art thou?’
‘I am Brucewülf,’ quoth the leader of the party.
‘Brucewülf?’ quoth Scoot, ‘The son of Jerah the Punk, art thou not?’
‘Aye,’ quoth he, ‘but how didst thou know that?’
Quoth the Scootly One, ‘For thy great, great, great, great, grandson, am I, Scoot the Ko’An. And on a quest for the Lost Flathead Lake Scrolls, art thou not?’
‘How dost thou know that?’ spake a tall, red-headed member of the party.
‘Hey!’ quoth Nori, ‘Android 16, thou must be! Ancestor of Brian Fritz Pud Yoco Peppy McBean Oreamnos Americanus Something Pookie Skanky-Bitch the Hans*.’
And the rest of the party didst introduce themselves, and the Dudes didst figure out whom they wert. Extreme Jake, ancestor of Casey, the Beige Knight of Hondo; Mr Mystery, ancestor of Sir Richard, Black Knight of Odnoh and Patron Saint of Ass-Whoopin’ (New & Improved Angel of Death in some realities); the Reverend Jimmy, ancestor of Dirty Uncle Orty, High Demon of Odnoh; Little Slippery Dude, ancestor of the Prophetess Adria; Gwyn-Zen, the Guru of Math, ancestor of Myles the Unbeliever; and the Amazing Beardless Woman, ancestor of the High Priestess Jennifer.
‘According to the Flathead Lake Scrolls, destined thou art to help the Gods of Hondo,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Read them in mine own when, I hath.’
‘Join us, wilt thou?’ spake the God of Commala.
‘Perhaps,’ quoth Brucewülf, ‘for we art told that the Flathead Lake Scrolls art in the Land of Wind and Ghosts, or perhaps the Misplaced City of Constagando…’
Quoth Little Slippery Dude: ‘I’ll win y’all, kick ye in the shin, y’all! Tell y’all to sit on it and spin, y’all!’
‘Knowest thou The Legend of Billy V Gan!?’ quoth GOATMILKER06.
‘Aye,’ quoth Little Slippery Dude, ‘by heart.’
‘Let us join them,’ quoth Extreme Jake, ‘for they art with the Gods of Hondo.’
‘Aye,’ quoth the Reverend Jimmy, ‘let us.’
And the Ancestors didst join the Dudes and the Soldiers of the ’Wise. And they didst set out for parts unknown.
And in another where and when, they didst meet a stranger upon the road.
‘Ahoy-hoy!’ quoth the stranger, ‘who art thou, may I ask!’
‘I am Matt, God of the Far Side,’ spake the God of the Far Side. ‘And these art the Dudes and the Soldiers of the ’Wise. So, who art thou?’
‘I am called Jehoiachin, the True Lord of the Dance,’ quoth he.
‘Jehoiachin!?’ quoth Scoot. ‘Another of mine ancestors…’
‘Ancestors…’ quoth Jehoiachin.
‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot, ‘Thy descendent I am, Scoot the Ko’An, and another of thy descendents, Brucewülf, this is. On a quest to find Lord Derrick, we art.’
‘Aye,’ quoth Jehoiachin. ‘for I have seen him earlier, down the way.’
‘Many thanks,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Wouldst thou not showeth us the way?’
‘Aye,’ quoth he.
And Jehoiachin didst join the Dudes, the Soldiers of the ’Wise, and the Ancestors.
And down the way, they didst encounter another party, and one of the party said unto them, ‘Hile, stranger! We art well met! If thou telleth us who thou art, and we shall tell thee.’
‘I am Matt, God of—’
‘Matt!’ cried one of the party, and he didst run up and grabbeth him in a great bear-hug, saying, ‘Matt! Matt! I thought I wouldst never see thee again! I got lost in this outhouse, and didst run around like a buttmunch and…’
‘Derrick!’ spake the God of Sunstones, ‘Relaxeth! I am here, and now we shalt find our way back to our own where and when.’
‘Oh. Right,’ spake the God of Flirting.
‘Dammit, Derrick!’ spake the God of Hot Dogs & Apple Pie as he didst smack him over the head with a paper fan, ‘All over history, I have searched for thee! What wert thou doing!?’
‘Well,’ spake the God of Dammit, ‘I diddeth rewrite the Constitution,’ (‘Not good, this canst be…’ quoth Offchick.) ‘wiped out the dinosaurs, and sanketh Atlantis. What hast thou done today?’
‘Doomed humanity to five thousand years of endless war, reminded my former self of an important appointment, and gave Shakespeare more kung-fu action,’ spake the God of Freedom.
‘Now that back in our party is Lord Derrick,’ quoth Scoot, ‘set out for the Outhouse, shall we not, O Great God of Elton John?’
‘I am not the God of Elton John!’ spake the God of Not Being the God of Elton John. ‘He is!’
‘No I’m not! Matt is!’ spake the God of Evil. ‘I am just the God of his outfit!’
‘No, thou art the God of Elton John!’ spake the God of One To Go On Forever.
‘No! Thou art!…’ spake the God of Orange Juice Drinking.
‘Oy…’ quoth Scoot. ‘Let us saveth it for a Godly Challenge, what says thee?’
‘Aye,’ quoth Loki, ‘for surely ye misseth Scootly Ko’An Manor.’
‘Aye, I do…’ quoth Scoot.
‘Ye dumbass, Loki!’ quoth Nori. ‘Don’t ye remember? Destroyed was Scootly Ko’An Manor, when Cthulhu returned?’
‘Oh yeah, and what a mess that was…’ quoth Loki. ‘Wondering I was why thou’rt living at the headquarters of the Buddhist Liberation Front…’
And so the Milers didst join the Dudes, the Soldiers of the ’Wise and the Ancestors, and they didst set out for the Outhouse of Time, that they might findeth their way back to their own wheres and whens.
*in some realities
Sign up to rate and review this story