Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo
CHAPTER 4
“The Bitch is Back” (The Monkey-Boy)
And in the midst of an ancient forest, the Gods of Hondo and their companions didst come upon the Monkey Man. Only in this when, he was but a creepy little Monkey-Boy. And he was levitating whilst he was masturbating in front of a stone monument in the midst of an ancient circle of stones.
‘ ’Tis the Monkey Man!’ quoth Scoot. ‘Remember that face I wouldst, even if ’twere centuries younger!’
‘Who art thou?’ quoth the Monkey-Boy.
‘I am Scoot the Ko’An, though met me yet, thou hast not,’ quoth he. ‘Doing out here, what art thou?’
‘I was… um… outer space meditating,’ quoth the Monkey-Boy, ‘and I was led unto this place by a vision…’
And in the midst of their palaver, a familiar spaceship didst land, and a sleek and deadly figure didst emerge.
‘Ahoy-hoy, Astro Bitch!’ quoth Nori, for she didst recognize the notorious bounty hunter from their battle with the Vorlon God Boojee.
‘What the hell art thou doing in this when, Nori?’ quoth she.
‘Fucking up history,’ Nori shrugged. ‘What else?’
‘Oh well,’ quoth she, ‘whilst thou’rt in the neighborhood, hast thou seen any evil-looking robots in thy travels?’
And they didst look among themselves and shruggeth their shoulders.
‘Ah. I see,’ quoth she. ‘I seeketh the bounty on Dr Färtnøkker’s final creation, the Disco Robot. According to my Transwarp Disco-Meter, it is somewhere in this when.’
‘Well, Astro Bitch,’ quoth Scoot, ‘Good luck in thy hunt. Fare thee well.’
‘Long days and pleasant nights,’ quoth the Milers in unison.
And Astro Bitch didst part ways with their party.
And they didst turn their attention to the monument they now stood before, for he and Nori didst recognize it.
‘Holy shit!’ quoth Nori. ‘ ’Tis where thou picked up the HellRazor!’
‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for recognizeth the inscription I do. Klaatu… Barada… Hey! In this when, it even sayeth the last part! Nikto, huh? Now why didst I not think of that?’
‘Getteth me started, do not…’ quoth Nori.
‘But missing is the HellRazor,’ quoth I Am Road Runner, ‘yet this is where ye got it?…’
‘In mine vision,’ quoth the Monkey-Boy, ‘I didst see a mighty warrior setteth the HellRazor in that stone.’
‘I see…’ spake the God of Physical Phatness.
‘Ah,’ quoth Scoot, and he didst thrust the HellRazor into the stone, saying, ‘Served its purpose, the Might of Old hath. Now rest it must, until it is needed again…’
And so Scoot didst don his shades, and the God of Neuralizers didst neuralize the Monkey-Boy. And Nori and Loki and the others didst close their eyes.
‘The people which thou hast seen do not existeth,’ spake the God of Neuralizers. ‘Figments of thine imagination they art. Ate of the wrong ’shrooms and had a bad trip, ye did. When gone art we, nothing shalt thou remember, save this command: thou’rt to spend the rest of thy life seeking Scoot the Ko’An, that thou may leadeth him here.’
‘Aye,’ quoth the Monkey-Boy.
‘There, now settled is that—’
‘Who art thou?’ spake the God of Stupidity (for he had forgotten to closeth his eyes), ‘Who am I?’
‘Well shit,’ spake the God of Neuralizers.
And so the God of Neuralizers didst spend the next few weeks telling the God of Odnoh his life story before they didst resume their journey.
But as they didst set forth once again for the Outhouse, they didst come upon another traveler down the way.
‘Look!’ cried be81827, ‘ ’Tis the Super Squirrel!’
‘Damn!’ cried Offchick, ‘Looketh really pissed, he doth!’
And the Super Squirrel didst power up and transform into a Level 3 Super Squirrel. And his bushy little tail didst get completely out of control.
‘Holy shit!’ cried GOATMILKER06, ‘Bigger than he, his tail is!’
‘Yer bugger!’ quoth Ree, ‘Now that’s what I calleth bright-eyed and bushy-tailed!’
‘Ay Commala!’ cried Loki. ‘How long didst he spend in the Hypersquirlic Time Chamber this time?…’
‘Shit!’ quoth Scoot, ‘Wish now, I had not relinquished the HellRazor… But accepteth his challenge, I shalt.’ And he didst throw down his weighted training denim, powering up and saying unto the SSQ3, ‘Fuck the bullshit! ’Tis time to throw down!’
And it came to pass that the SSQ3 didst kick Scoot’s ass with great kung-fu action.
‘Ow…’ quoth Scoot. ‘Little help, Loki…’
And Loki Amaya didst join the battle.
‘FU… SION… HAA!…’ cried they in unison.
And Scoot the Ko’An and Loki Amaya didst fuseth and become Scooti Amaya. And Scooti Amaya didst power up and take the fight back to the SSQ3, and this time it was an even match.
‘Ha!’ quoth Nori, ‘Take that, muthaf—’
‘Shut yo mouth!’ quoth Scooti Amaya.
‘But I’s talkin’ ’bout Fletcha…’
‘Oh,’ quoth Scooti. ‘Mighty Gods of Hondo, wouldst thou not also fuse?’
‘No way!’ cried the God of Space Nerds. ‘I wouldst not be caught dead dancing like that!’
‘Know I do not,’ spake the God of Humor, ‘Kinda fun, it looketh…’
And the God of Writing Challenges didst taketh a couple steps away from him.
And it came to pass that Scooti Amaya didst kick the SSQ3’s ass with great kung-fu action, and he was about to finish him off…
When the Fusion didst wear off.
‘Well shit,’ quoth Scoot.
‘Aye,’ quoth Loki, ‘Half an hour just ain’t what it used to be…’
‘Fuck-commala!’ quoth Nori.
‘Verily I say,’ quoth AuntyNay4, ‘thou’rt indeed adept at learning curses!’
‘Aye,’ spake the God of Making Fun of the French Before It Was Considered Patriotic, ‘for she is fluent in over six million forms of profanity and—’
‘Va te faire futre,’ quoth she.
And the SSQ3 didst power up impatiently.
‘Ay-yi-yi!’ cried Loki. ‘What do we do now!?’
‘Run away! Run Away!’ cried Scoot.
And bravely didst their party run, and the Dudes, the Milers, the Soldiers of the ’Wise and the Ancestors didst beat a hasty retreat to the Outhouse.
And the Super Squirrel didst walk away, saying, ‘Damn straight…’
‘How the hell didst we all fitteth in there?’ quoth Nori as she didst unplug her nose.
‘Knoweth, I do not,’ spake the God of Senzu Beans.
‘Wilt we ever reacheth our own wheres and whens, I beg?’ quoth Kathy5.
And the God of Muffin Balls didst shrug his shoulders.
‘And one more question, mighty God of Ro-Sham-Bo…’ quoth Scoot. ‘Dude, when’s my car!?’
“The Bitch is Back” (The Monkey-Boy)
And in the midst of an ancient forest, the Gods of Hondo and their companions didst come upon the Monkey Man. Only in this when, he was but a creepy little Monkey-Boy. And he was levitating whilst he was masturbating in front of a stone monument in the midst of an ancient circle of stones.
‘ ’Tis the Monkey Man!’ quoth Scoot. ‘Remember that face I wouldst, even if ’twere centuries younger!’
‘Who art thou?’ quoth the Monkey-Boy.
‘I am Scoot the Ko’An, though met me yet, thou hast not,’ quoth he. ‘Doing out here, what art thou?’
‘I was… um… outer space meditating,’ quoth the Monkey-Boy, ‘and I was led unto this place by a vision…’
And in the midst of their palaver, a familiar spaceship didst land, and a sleek and deadly figure didst emerge.
‘Ahoy-hoy, Astro Bitch!’ quoth Nori, for she didst recognize the notorious bounty hunter from their battle with the Vorlon God Boojee.
‘What the hell art thou doing in this when, Nori?’ quoth she.
‘Fucking up history,’ Nori shrugged. ‘What else?’
‘Oh well,’ quoth she, ‘whilst thou’rt in the neighborhood, hast thou seen any evil-looking robots in thy travels?’
And they didst look among themselves and shruggeth their shoulders.
‘Ah. I see,’ quoth she. ‘I seeketh the bounty on Dr Färtnøkker’s final creation, the Disco Robot. According to my Transwarp Disco-Meter, it is somewhere in this when.’
‘Well, Astro Bitch,’ quoth Scoot, ‘Good luck in thy hunt. Fare thee well.’
‘Long days and pleasant nights,’ quoth the Milers in unison.
And Astro Bitch didst part ways with their party.
And they didst turn their attention to the monument they now stood before, for he and Nori didst recognize it.
‘Holy shit!’ quoth Nori. ‘ ’Tis where thou picked up the HellRazor!’
‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for recognizeth the inscription I do. Klaatu… Barada… Hey! In this when, it even sayeth the last part! Nikto, huh? Now why didst I not think of that?’
‘Getteth me started, do not…’ quoth Nori.
‘But missing is the HellRazor,’ quoth I Am Road Runner, ‘yet this is where ye got it?…’
‘In mine vision,’ quoth the Monkey-Boy, ‘I didst see a mighty warrior setteth the HellRazor in that stone.’
‘I see…’ spake the God of Physical Phatness.
‘Ah,’ quoth Scoot, and he didst thrust the HellRazor into the stone, saying, ‘Served its purpose, the Might of Old hath. Now rest it must, until it is needed again…’
And so Scoot didst don his shades, and the God of Neuralizers didst neuralize the Monkey-Boy. And Nori and Loki and the others didst close their eyes.
‘The people which thou hast seen do not existeth,’ spake the God of Neuralizers. ‘Figments of thine imagination they art. Ate of the wrong ’shrooms and had a bad trip, ye did. When gone art we, nothing shalt thou remember, save this command: thou’rt to spend the rest of thy life seeking Scoot the Ko’An, that thou may leadeth him here.’
‘Aye,’ quoth the Monkey-Boy.
‘There, now settled is that—’
‘Who art thou?’ spake the God of Stupidity (for he had forgotten to closeth his eyes), ‘Who am I?’
‘Well shit,’ spake the God of Neuralizers.
And so the God of Neuralizers didst spend the next few weeks telling the God of Odnoh his life story before they didst resume their journey.
But as they didst set forth once again for the Outhouse, they didst come upon another traveler down the way.
‘Look!’ cried be81827, ‘ ’Tis the Super Squirrel!’
‘Damn!’ cried Offchick, ‘Looketh really pissed, he doth!’
And the Super Squirrel didst power up and transform into a Level 3 Super Squirrel. And his bushy little tail didst get completely out of control.
‘Holy shit!’ cried GOATMILKER06, ‘Bigger than he, his tail is!’
‘Yer bugger!’ quoth Ree, ‘Now that’s what I calleth bright-eyed and bushy-tailed!’
‘Ay Commala!’ cried Loki. ‘How long didst he spend in the Hypersquirlic Time Chamber this time?…’
‘Shit!’ quoth Scoot, ‘Wish now, I had not relinquished the HellRazor… But accepteth his challenge, I shalt.’ And he didst throw down his weighted training denim, powering up and saying unto the SSQ3, ‘Fuck the bullshit! ’Tis time to throw down!’
And it came to pass that the SSQ3 didst kick Scoot’s ass with great kung-fu action.
‘Ow…’ quoth Scoot. ‘Little help, Loki…’
And Loki Amaya didst join the battle.
‘FU… SION… HAA!…’ cried they in unison.
And Scoot the Ko’An and Loki Amaya didst fuseth and become Scooti Amaya. And Scooti Amaya didst power up and take the fight back to the SSQ3, and this time it was an even match.
‘Ha!’ quoth Nori, ‘Take that, muthaf—’
‘Shut yo mouth!’ quoth Scooti Amaya.
‘But I’s talkin’ ’bout Fletcha…’
‘Oh,’ quoth Scooti. ‘Mighty Gods of Hondo, wouldst thou not also fuse?’
‘No way!’ cried the God of Space Nerds. ‘I wouldst not be caught dead dancing like that!’
‘Know I do not,’ spake the God of Humor, ‘Kinda fun, it looketh…’
And the God of Writing Challenges didst taketh a couple steps away from him.
And it came to pass that Scooti Amaya didst kick the SSQ3’s ass with great kung-fu action, and he was about to finish him off…
When the Fusion didst wear off.
‘Well shit,’ quoth Scoot.
‘Aye,’ quoth Loki, ‘Half an hour just ain’t what it used to be…’
‘Fuck-commala!’ quoth Nori.
‘Verily I say,’ quoth AuntyNay4, ‘thou’rt indeed adept at learning curses!’
‘Aye,’ spake the God of Making Fun of the French Before It Was Considered Patriotic, ‘for she is fluent in over six million forms of profanity and—’
‘Va te faire futre,’ quoth she.
And the SSQ3 didst power up impatiently.
‘Ay-yi-yi!’ cried Loki. ‘What do we do now!?’
‘Run away! Run Away!’ cried Scoot.
And bravely didst their party run, and the Dudes, the Milers, the Soldiers of the ’Wise and the Ancestors didst beat a hasty retreat to the Outhouse.
And the Super Squirrel didst walk away, saying, ‘Damn straight…’
‘How the hell didst we all fitteth in there?’ quoth Nori as she didst unplug her nose.
‘Knoweth, I do not,’ spake the God of Senzu Beans.
‘Wilt we ever reacheth our own wheres and whens, I beg?’ quoth Kathy5.
And the God of Muffin Balls didst shrug his shoulders.
‘And one more question, mighty God of Ro-Sham-Bo…’ quoth Scoot. ‘Dude, when’s my car!?’
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